Thighs Wide Shut

Rocky Balboa
A Knockout
Trailers

I never thought that in a million years that a 6th Rocky movie would not only be watchable, but effin yumcredible! DATS EFFIN RIGHT, YO! I said it and I don’t care if you think otherwise. RB is the perfect ending to a series that shoulda hung up its gloves well before Lang got clubbered in #III. While it largely succeeds cause its a respectful celebration of the well travelled road of Rocky, in my mind, it extra-largely succeeds cause the film is a cinematic metaphor for Sylvester Stallone’s own rocky roaded life. When Rocky sez something about his life in the film, he’s also talkin bout Sylvester’s. It’s actually all very touching, and I aint talkin bout what one does when watching a Keeley Hazel sex tape, and it call all purty much be summed up in these lines (which almost doubles the length of this review!)

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!

Gawd bless you SS. You turned what shoulda been a joke into something of relevance. I don’t think anyone expected that to happen, but you went out and did what you do best, and for that, I think we can stop making Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot jokes… for at least another year. Breast of all, this gives me great hope for Die Hard IV: Live Free of Die Hard… even if that stoopid Jeepers Creepers Apple loser is in it

Unsatisfied with this?: then wait for Rambo IV: Pearl of the Cobra, which, to my chuck-knoll-ledge, has nothing to do with Cobra

Possible Porno Name: Bumby Dildo, AHHHHHH!

Apt MPupil3: David Barrett‘s only shining moment, ‘That One Shining Moment‘ [d|vid|post]

IMDb Sweeney: Rocky Sylvester’s currently attached to play ex-LAPD Detective Russell Poole, the man who solved the Biggie Smalls case, but was thwarted by his own superiors, in the ‘008 TV film Notorious, which I guess will be the closest thing Sly will ever get to being in a Hitchcock movie, although he did have an uncredited bit part in Woody Allen’s klassic Bananas and in the Oscar winning Klute. And who had any idea that his first film role was in a porn, The Party at Kitty and Stud’s?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

2007…

Peace The Fork Outtings go out to the Messiah of instant noodles, the guy who wasn’t Magnus Ver Magnusson, Aaron Neville’s 2nd love (next to that thing on his head), and the Sardi who hearted a good party

Corey Haim – Me, Myself, and I [Newbsy]

Beware of Jon Scheyer’s face [Gomby Gombs]

Friendster Find: the lil girl from Advent in Babysitting [Navi the Terrible Bowler]

wonder if the wondertwits are in on the joke?

Cowboy fans, some say the greatestist in the world

IMDb Bottom 100: #4, Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj… juss edgin out From Justin To Kelly

Become a Lord, Lady, Baron or Baroness, for only £29.99! [Hisconsin Badger]

czech out the handy work [AC Green]

someone watched 1,413 films in the ’06, and sadly tit wasn’t me [Guns N Rosenthal]

The 50 Greatest Commercials of the ’80s

The 40 Best Celebrity Rumors Ever

•fess parker up, which one of yaz was searchin for florence henderson third nipple?

and because I know you’ve been dying to peep out Danny Pintauro’s NSFW junk and super happy fun hole…

still bored? add the following shiz into the url bar above, click enter and let the phun never end [S-Pax]

javascript:R=0; x1=.1; y1=.05; x2=.25; y2=.24; x3=1.6; y3=.24; x4=300; y4=200; x5=300; y5=200; DI=document.images; DIL=DI.length; function A(){for(i=0; i-DIL; i++){DIS=DI[ i ].style; DIS.position=’absolute’; DIS.left=Math.sin(R*x1+i*x2+x3)*x4+x5; DIS.top=Math.cos(R*y1+i*y2+y3)*y4+y5}R++}setInterval(‘A()’,5); void(0);

Volver
Return of the Mack Padre
Trailer

When Pedro Almodóvar releases a movie people go and see it. For those who don’t cause you hate Spain or the language you were forced to take for 7+ years of yer academic life, you should follow suit. Why? Cause like the taste of McDonald’s fries, you’re about 90% sure of being satisfied to the bone. Sure, they sometimes come out soggy, but you’d still eat em anywayz. Volver, while not as adventurous as La Mala Educación or as coma-tastic as Hable Con Ella, is still a splendid piece o work and a mos s’wonderful addition to Almodóvar’s cannon of chick flicks for this early bit of the 21st century. Every Volver review that one reads gabs on and on like Gabbo about how this is a giant return to form for its star Penélope Cruz. Yeah, no shit, cause listening to her speak English is like listening to me taking a dump after plowing thru the entire Fresh-Mex menu at Chevy’s. And while each of those reviews are busy creating needless Oscar buzz, they fail to point out the mos important bazzle of Cruz’ volve to her native tongue: since you don’t have to pay attention to what’s coming outta Cruz’ piehole you are free to spend the entire pic faping to her redonkey-donk yammy-yams or rehippopotamus-hipp tuchy-tuchus or her regiraffe-gira necky-neck (damn that thing is long!)

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix Son De Mar [trailer] featuring the NSFWness of one of Pedro’s bizatches and my mos flavorite Western Europeaners, Leonor Watling

Possible Porno Name: Vulva

Apt MPupil3: the title track that Cruz lip syncs and clap syncs to, ‘Volver‘ [d] by Estrella Morente

I Licked Yer Mum’s Pechos On Yer Dad’s Techo: mi mos favorite Spanish verbs es molestar y chupar, as in como para chuparse los dedos = it’s finger licking good!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): like a majority of cine del Almodóvar, Pecho En La Demostración/Breast In Show

until next thyme, which will be sooner rather than later cause my arse has gotta lotta seein and reviewin to do, the balcony is clothed…

Bobby
The Pursuit of Sappyness
Trailer

Bobby is director/actor/Charlie Sheen’s brother Emilio Estevez’ love song to Robert F Kennedy and the turbulent era that he was the new voice of. More importantly, it reunites The Mighty Ducks‘ coach with his star player Charlie Conway, aka Pacey, aka Josh Jackson. While I golf clap EE’s earnest attempt at creating a Robert Altmanesque bazillion character crossover joint, taking place at LA’s Ambassador Hotel on June 6th, 1968, the date of RFK’s assassination, this joint will only light the hearts of anyone who’s 45 years or older.

The main problem that I had with the film is that I couldn’t care less than two shits (maybe even one) about said bazillion characters roaming around the hotel, talking about The Graduate, Warhol’s soup cans, and even tripping on acid with Ashton Krunchyner. If you name yer film Bobby, then there should be nothing but. Maybe I’m juss spoiled after takin in the bestness that was JFK, Nixon, and sure, why not, Dick. Luckily the brothers Weinstein forced a lot o archival footage of RFK into the film cause had they not, this woulda been a bigger cheesefest and disaster than last summer’s Poseidon [TWS.org’s review]. The other issue I have with this flick is how do you cast the NSFW goodlyness of Sharon Stone, Demi Moore, Heather Graham, Helen Hunt, Svetlana Metkina, Joy Bryant, and Her Former Royal Thighness Lohag, and the only nudity we get is Shia Where’stheLeBeouf‘s arse cheeks?

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix The Assassination of Richard Nixon [TWS.org review | trailer & mo]

Possible Porno Name: the Spanish classic Bob y Kneel

IMDb Sweeney: in the ’74 TV movie The Missiles of October, Martin Sheen portrayed RFK to William Devane’s JFK, even though Devane looks more like Bobby, but Sheen nine years later got his due and portrayed Jack in the ’83 miniseries Kennedy, but nothing tops David Kobzantsev, who has now stepped into the shoes of assassin Sirhan Sirhan TWICE!

1nce Bitten, 4eva Smitten: with future sex-kitten Mary Elizabeth Winstead

Apt MPupil3: ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy‘ [d] by BOBBY McFerrin

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

until next thyme, the balcony is clothed…