Thighs Wide Shut

if you were ever pondering these two questions at the same time, what was Dev Patel doing before Slumdog Millionaire and whatever became of that boy (Nicholas Hoult) from About A Boy, then girl o girl, do we’ve got an answer for you! and it also happens to be the greatestest (first season of a) teen television show we’ve ever seen mt EVEReverEVEReverEVEReverEVEReverst! (of course much respek to Wonder Years, My So Called Life and Hey Dude)

whatever you have to do, do the first season of Skins. it’s like Kids, but a little less horrific, but 109% more British, and the characters are so real that they’re even more real than The Real Ghostbusters playing Real Madrid. juss take one look at these kids and tell me you don’t want to hang out with them, or at least watch them do their thang from afar

meat the gang

(above, left to right) Anwar, the drinking Muslim; Tony, the hot bastard; Michelle, his girlfriend; Jal, the bitchy musician; Sid, Tony’s lackey/BFF who’s in love with his GF; Maxxie, the gay one; Cassie, the lonely dreamer; (not pictured) Chris, the animal of parties; Effy, Tony’s sister

we heart Cassie (the beyond adorable Hannah Murray) above all

she’s like Courtney Love
with the brain of Sylvia Plath
and the looks of Hope Davis

although the hottiest of the hotness in terms of hots
has gotta be the TILF (teacher ILF)

Angie (Siwan Morris)

haven’t u seen enuff pretty pictures?
well imagine how purty them pictures will are be in motion?

Hail to the Skins!

peas note: season 1 and 2 aired and reairs stateside on BBC America (we missed the first airings too so we had to rent…), season 1 is on DVD (season 2 drops in the US in April), and season 3, which features an entirely new cast (save Effy and some other minors), is currently airing in the UK

spreaking of watching stuff

has anyone seen anything more than
the thighlarious trailer of The Office XXX?
if so tellpray/praytell

starring our mos flavorite NSFW chipmunker Ashlynn Brooke!

boo nus: give listenage to the Gossip’s ‘Standing In The Way Of Control (Soulwax Mix)’ [d] from the riznockin soundtrack

the 2009 Oscars Hugh Jackman Tony Awards were what we thought they were, extremely gay, and we’re not juss talking about Milk (last time we say this: be sure to watch this Oscar winning doc instead of that Gus Van Sant movie). there were no real sirprizes, outside of Bashir having their dance card torn up, and as always, everyone besides Sarah Jessica Horse/Mitchface looked wonderful, hispecially Kate Winslet’s dad, whom you may know better as Darkman!

we won’t waste any more of yer time rehashbrowning what took place at the Kodiak Theater, so instead lettuce praise jeebus that the following things will go away for a longs while:

– watching clips of Mickey Rourke saying ‘I’m an old broken down piece of meat‘

– Anil Kapoor anywhere near a podium (too bad the same can’t be said of Kate Winslet, although her Oscar speech was less awful than the previous 10 she gave over the past 2 months)

– Oscar montages unnecessarily including Judd Apatow films and actors (way to be serious on stage Seth Rogen!)

– seeing this pic of Melissa Leo with her arms crossed in every magazine

– Brangelina comas caused by the thought of The Snoozealing and The Not So Curious Case of Benjamin Borings

sea ewe next year!

pee es – we totally were going to do a actress fap-a-thon this year like we did two years ago, but these kids beat us to the NSFW punch (and then sum)

Eleven Minutes
77 Minutes Less Than 88 Minutes
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

We didn’t start watching Project Runway until Season 3(/were forced to by our then ThighMistress), and we haven’t stopped watching the compelling catfighting competition drooling over Heidi Klum sitting in a director’s chair with note cards in hand ever since. While we were hoping that our first post-Runway big screen romp would involve Kenley ‘Spears‘ Collins in a shot-by-shot remake of these three NSFW scenes from The Notorious Bettie Page, we were still pleased to delve into first season’s winner Jay Carroll‘s life, after his fifteen minutes faded away quicker than Ilan Mitchell-Smith‘s career. If yer a follower of the show, it’s a bro nainer for you to czech out this taking it from behind the scenes look at Carroll’s struggle to mount his first independent runway show and get his threads on a clothing store’s racks (hey, nice racks!). What you’ll see is nothing shocking, but it’s nothing schlocky either, and if you feel like you juss haven’t had enuff of The Hills/The City/The Peeps’ Revolution‘s resident ball star, Kelly Cutrone, here’s yer chance to have enuff. Runway novices may want to proceed without lust, but with caution

Lets Be Real(ity) For A Second: before Reality shows invaded our grill spaces (and ruined television), the only thing remotely real on the hairwaves were talk shows, and the one man who’s been the realist of the real, hispecially for our Clear Pepsi generation, is and was and will always be Conan O’Brien (with some early help from Andy). Tonight Conan closes up shoppee in NY, and like Fievel before him, he’s headed west for a bigger piece of the cheese. We wish him well in the year 2000 and 8 on his new Left Coast journey, and spank him for all the memories, herspecially this one and anything having to do with your Finland trip

Verdictgo: for all the Runway swayers, Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Eleven Minutes opens in select theaters today, and apparently online on here! Gay Television On Demand

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Two Lovers
The Rapper’s Pre-Delight
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Joaquin Phoenix‘ got problems, and we’re not even talkin about the muy malo ones in his new not-so-hip-hop life, like falling off stages and I’m Not There talk show appearances (Baldwin!). In what may be his final screen performance (which means it probably won’t be his final screen performance), Phoenix’ got onscreen problems, like having the horrible dilemma of choosing between Gwyneth Paltrow (showing some NSFWness that only baby Apple gets to see) and Vinessa Shaw (a fine Eyes Wide Shut actress that Hollywood has basically ignored). His Jewish parents (mum’s played by the not so Jewish Isabella Rossellini), with whom he lives with and works for, are pushing him towards family friend Shaw, but his heart keeps pulsing for the blond goy (and which Jew’s heart wouldn’t?). Mos men enjoy the chase/challenge of bagging an out of their league honey, instead of being chased and going for the easy lay, and Phoenix’ lovable loser character (think a more attractive Marty) is apparently like most men, and his choices may ultimately lead him to heartbreak hotel. While the title might suggest plenty of physical lust and caution, Two Lovers is more of an emotional mental affair, and that’s actually OK cause the film doesn’t require it (although we’re not complaining about Gwny’s boob flash). This film re-teams Phoenix with director James Gray for a third time (the other two being the gritty ditties We Own the Night and The Yards) with a role that completely suits his reserved and awkward demeanor (also correctly put on display in Parenthood, To Die For and Quills… we woulda included The Village, but playing The Village‘s idiot didn’t involve much acting). For way too long Phoenix has been miscast in parts that were bigger than his britches and his range (we weren’t buying him at all as Johnny Cash). So now that he’s hit a walk-off home run on his way to retirement (and hobo beardsville), it’s our hearts that are broken. Maybe we’ve taken him for granted and granite, and now it’s our turn to chase him

Moby Peaches: the only musician who gets less credit than Phoenix has gots to be Moby. Years after the release of his brilliant Play all the newbie fans seemed to hit the stop button. Tis a shame cause baldy’s been bustin out killah tunes in the ensuing years. His song ‘I Love To Move In Here’ [d], from last year’s overlooked Last Night (in retrospect, it should been near the top of our bestest of ‘008 list), is featured in a sultry, dick-teasing dance scene. Listen up, and get down!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Under The Sea 3-D
Sea’s Candy
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Jim Carrey‘s voice guides us on a 40 minute 3-D IMAX adventure down under the sea down under. There aint nuttin particularly special about these 20,000 leagues here that you haven’t seen on Planet Earth or the 88 other IMAX movies that took a dive, but watching ugly camouflage fish make beautiful looking fishes their dinner again and again in 3-D isn’t the worst way to spend your hard earned dollars. As the clock winds down we wondered if there was a point to this film, other than putting smiles on the faces of kids and stoners, and there is! Carrey explains in a few sentences that if we don’t take care of our planet some of these beautiful and ugly creatures will disappear forever. Tell us something we don’t already know. Actually, don’t and juss show us more clips of ugly fishes getting their grub on!

Dimension Films: 3-D is all the rage, but 4-D looks outrageyier! we mean, where else are you gonna see Elmo poop Skittles above yer head?

Verdictgo: for the kiddies/stoners Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Two Lovers and Under The Sea 3D open in limited theaters today

and until next thyme the balcony i
s clothed…

The International
House of Edible Plaincakes
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Ever wonder what a James Bond movie woulda been like had Clive Owen inherited 007’s License to print money over Daniel Craig? The International, with it’s duller than dullhouse cookies title, doesn’t necessarily fulfill that ‘what if‘ scenario, hispecially since it isn’t an over-bloated actioner, with fast cars and easy women and easy cars and fast women (sadly that means there aints no Naomi Watts NSFW fun to be found, or really a reason for her to be in this movie other than to sport them sexy buckteeth of hers… speaking of those teef, we kinda want to see a movie where all she does is eat carrots for 5 hours), but it’s about a good looking good bloke in a good suit caught up in a ploppy plot filled with evil European dudes working for evil European corporations making evil European transactions that will make them evil European richer… which sounds eggszactly like the inept and crapluster Quantum of Solace. That’s hactually a compliment for The International cause no one’s expecting anything from a movie that may actually be the same movie as Owen’s Duplicity (which also stars this guy), and everyone was expecting the world from Quantum, but apparently the world is not enuff (although we expect more from the director of Run Lola Run)!! Can you even name a single memorable scene from Quantum, without naming a scene from Quantum Leap? The answer is ‘you can’t’. ‘You cunt’ is also an acceptable answer, but only if you have a British accent. Wells, The International has one memorable scene, a giant shoot out in the Guggenheim (bestest building mt everest? perchaps, although they hammazingly created an exact replica of it instead of filming at the real deal), and it’s so rawkin and raucous and filled with endless Uzi gun spray (is there any better kind of gun spray?) that it not only makes up for the none-sense that comes before and after it, but makes it more worth a peepers than any of Quantum‘s jeepers. Shame on you Bond film peoples! And why the fred funk have you never cast scary German (East Prussian to be exact) guy Armin Mueller-Stahl as a Bond villain? He’s so scary and German that he makes the other scary German guy look as cuddly as a Blago Cabbage Patch Kid

Office Face: remember Neil from the British Office? he’s actually a solid actor named Patrick Baladi and he keeps popping up in movies (this one and also in Last Chance Harvey) and we love him so much that we may have to buy a Sergio Georgini knock-off of his Armani leather jacket

Verdictgo: for the Gugg Uzi spray fest alone, Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Gomorrah
(Gomorra)
Houses of Sodom
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Don’t know if you’ve been over-enveloped by the hype surrounding this film, but don’t believe every grandstanding statement you’ve heard or read or hread. Gomorrah is not the 19th coming of City of God (or Goodfellas). It’s not even the Italian City of God, but perhaps it’s the Italian Village of a Lesser God. Huh? Wuh? Wuhuh? You probably have no idea what we’re talking about or what Gomorrah is or why the word Sodom is missing or how much sodium a body needs or why Gomorrah in Italian doesn’t have an ‘h’ at the end or how it’s related to the Camorra in Naples, which has nothing to do with nipples. NIPPLES! Gomorrah is a movie based on a book of the same name about the Camorra (there’s that word again!), which is a mafiaso type mafia type mafia who organize crime and make money and kill people and make more money and kill more people. The movie follows 6 characters (a money middleman, a neighborhood kid who joins a gang, a guy who works in toxic waste, an expert tailor, and two wanksters who wish they were Tony Montana) and how their lives are shaped by the Camorra’s comings and goings and doings and shootings. Each storyline will keep your eyes glued to the screen throughout, yet as the movie winds down, you expect these pieces to line-up neatly together into one nice lil package, but then it doesn’t. The individual fragments remain juss that, and this piecemeal approach leaves us hungry for more than juss desserts. Nonethebreast, it’s always a pleasure to be let into a corner of the world that’s rarely seen, even if it’s not a nice place to visit or a worse place to get robbed

Tre Sei Mafia: give peepage to Excellent Cadavers (In Un Altro Paese), a hot doc on taking down the Sicilian mafia. if you speak Italian, you can wa
tch the entire thing here

Verdictgo: these fragments are waaaaaaaay better than The Tracey Fragments, so wees has to says Jeepers Worth A Peepers

International opens thighs wide, while Gomorrah hits up limited theaters today. more reviews to be posted today, so stay pooned!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…