Thighs Wide Shut

• [Peas Note: I know nothing of politics, cept that I love a good parade AND free buttons!] All hail Mayor Mikey Bloomberg!! What, you a hater? How could be raggin on my man who green-lit the Gates AND be close to gettin us AN NFeffinL STADIUM, a Super Bowl, AND the Oryimpics!?!! And who cares if he controls the media? Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Now if only we can get him to love the gays, then he’d be my most favorite person Mt Everest next to Billy Zabka. And who would you rather have in hizoooner’s place? Franz Forking Fernando Ferrer? Mark my slurs: You should never trust a man with a mustache. Hispecially one who has a blog that leo getz less comments than I’s! Or maybe, au jus maybe, FFFF should hire ME to be his publicity manager and pep up his boring-arsed campaign! Juss think of the pastabilititities…

• Smoking Gun’s gots Jeff Weise’s ‘Target Practice’ cartoon. Eerie, Indiana Minnesota.

• Thighs, it’s not what you think [via Typo]

• A third Gorillaz LP not far behind??? If Damon put together an album of farts and me screaming about how bad microwaved tuna fish smells, it would still be gene by genius. [via The Blower of Maple Leafs]

• Gotta love the Drunken Stepdaddy: Dunstin’s Nips check in & Pam in saran

• What’s scarier than this cat that looks like a shriveled penis? I dunno, but dis comes close: Billy Corgan and Robert Smith dueting The Bee Gee’s ‘To Love Somebody’.

• Is this considered news in Engrland? I guess that’s why they call London, the new New York!

• NYers, Bostoners, DCists, and Chipeoples, you can all see the Donnie Darko Director’s Cut fo free! BONUS for NYCers: suffer for FREE thru Fever Pitch!

• Own yer own Gestapo Soup Shop or Scott and Laci Peterson’s former restaurant. [via Made of Brawny]

• I’ve got you covered [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

• Napoleon Dynamite Numa Numa Dance

• A bunch of Asian boobie animated gifs [NSFW Junk via UselessJunk]

• The Longest Bird Penis Ever [via WTF Peeps]

• I’m being Xtreme-lee liz-azy this morn and didn’t plan on any April Foolishness Elliot Ness-ness. Boo is me. Maybe I’ve been too busy being a fool in love (Frankie Lymon stizzle stick stee-lo style) with this 2/3 NSFW clip of Cuthbert getting some in the back seat of a car to the sweet sounds of David Gray, or this pic of her punching herself…

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50 Loathsome New Yorkers

Justin Guarini, pre-Side Show Bob stizz

Me love this dude’s default avatar.

The Single’s Man Guide To TV Dinners [via MetaPhilter]

Trost In Lanslation: This Chinese Menu [semi-NSFW via MonkeyPhilter]

• The internets is so wonderfullofitself. Case it point: The Pat O’Brien Scoreboard AND LookAtMeAndSayYes.com… they even have a killer tee for sale. [2nd via St Ignacio]

• Lollapalooza to give it the ole college try? [via PSNYC]

• Vincent comes clean about his Gallo’s pole.

• DJ Qualls, former model?

• Sandra Bullock claims she’s still a sex symbol at age 40. Luckily she didn’t claim that she’s a good actress.

• Don’t ask Penelope Cruz to spell ‘Matthew McConaughey’

• Danny Aiello slams’ Kevin Spacey’s unwatchable Beyond The Sea, but not cause it licks turtle’s dingleberries, but cause he hired Bob Hoskins?

• Wanna learn how to succeed in bidness? Be like Jeff Feagles and maybe Plaxico Burress will buy you an outdoor kitchen for your home in Zona. [via Juwanamaker]

• Ben McKenzie Diversifies By Growing A Moustache

• Matt Fielding NOT gay!

• Search Continues For Origin of Finger Found in Wendy’s Chili. I hear Count Rugen and his six fingers are the prime suspects!

• Next on Andy Rooney’s sh#tlist: gas prices

• Stereogum is so darn ‘cheeky’ AND beloved in MapleSyrupLand

• I guess the kids of Hogwarts start smoking alotta pot and following Widespread Panic around the country in the next flick. How else do u eggsplain their hair?

• Confessions of a Prairie Bitch [via retroCRUSH]

• Dynamic Duos of 2005: Kobayashi & Krystal’s AND me & the National Sweet Corn-Eating Championship. [vias Brawny Man]

• Next up for bidding: a servant for one whole year [via Natty Lite]

• The “If Your Name Was An Emo Song… Generator Thingy”. Somewhere Ian MacKaye is unimpressed.

• Finger Twister

• This is probably the biggest load of girlpoo ever featured on the internet and possibly in the world. Myranda Didovic (22) was constipated for little over a week due to I.B.S. when this scene was recorded. [major NSFWness via Fubar Redux]

• Tasteless has a first, middle, and last name and it’s the Shiavo Animated Gif! [via Newbsy]

• The ultimate tribute to Kool-Aid’s pal, Sharkleberry Fin

• Thigh Master still looking for questions, advertisers, but not an intern. Announcement on the last one 4thcummin.

• Coming soon to BetaMax and your pants: Banging To The Oldies w/HRT the II. Eat yer heart out Richard Simmons!! Btw, sweaty shoulders are the new side boobs.

• So tell me again, why do we need guns in this country? Seriously, do u need one? Does it make you feel like a real man? Do you watch too much Deadwood or sumtang? What’s yer effin deal pal? Oh, you pissed at me? Why don’t you come over to my .org and shoot me dead. It’ll solve all yo problems, right? I mean, only COOL people use lead pipes, ropes or other Clue weapons these days (that aren’t the revolver). Don’t bee leave me? Ask my good pal Col Mustard. But don’t you dare ask him why ‘colonel’ isn’t spelt like it sounds, ‘kernel’.

• A diet-coked up Pat O’Brien likes to leave silly voice mails on hot chicks’ cellies. Dude loves to eat a$$ apparently. [NSFW audio via The Dec West]

• Eeeeeesssh, Mishka-Mischa’s sister looks like a microwaved version of the Keds hawkin’ star. But back to more important things, like Barty-Barfon’s NSFW nippies [via The Drunk StepDaddy & The Double V]

• Everyone knows I’m a big fan of freshly-minted 18 year olds, right? Well, guess who’s party I’m crashing on the second Saturday in April at Hiro in the Maritime Hotel, sponsored by Motorola, that includes a live performance by Maroon 5? I’ll give you a hint, she’s always in a hurry and hits yellow balls with great furry. Give up? Click here. And for you my dear, the countdown continues. Boy am I sick. [via NYDN]

• Why gawd why? Not even Gabrielle Union’s crazy/beautiful selfness can save this pointless reimagining.

• Twis it jus me or does the new Weezer song ‘Beverly Hills’ (listen to a clip here) sound like ‘Undone (The Sweater Song)’. I don’t even think the lads are even trying anymore.

• Jessica Simpson Cringes When Watching ‘Newlyweds’… join the club sweetats!

• David Spade, or is it Owen Wilson, has a penis nose? [via The I-Train]

• Graham Coxon to start work on new album, then decorate his bathroom.

• A black woman will be one of 7 peeps playing Bob Dylan in biopic directed by genius Todd Haynes. I guess the times ARE a changin’. [via Made of Brawnski]

• Ricky G will not be ‘BBC’s bitch!‘

• Pulp’s ‘Common People’ illustrated by Gorillaz/Tank Girl guy Jamie Hewlett. [via Attention Baby!]

• How many 5 year-olds could you take on at once? Let the debate begin! [via My Man Markus]

• 4 dolls that scare the crap out of me.

• Ouch! [via Z de la JuicyFruithead]

• Take one guess who said this, ‘I don’t like to complain all the time, but that’s what I do for a living, and I’m lucky because there’s so much to complain about.’ Did you guess right?

• Lass nite, me & Ms Megbot attended the NY premiere of D.E.B.S.. This has got to be the bestestist AND wurstestist plaid-skirted, lesbian crime-fighting flick of all thyme. A full review is 4thcummin (like 23476742389095 others I’ve promised), but in the meantime I wanted to point out how impressed I was with the rotoscoping. Somebody hire this girl, who I hear is a champion fencer as well! And major spanks to the mooovie for reminding me of the beauty and the peach that is Jordana Brewster, who was also in attendance. Had this site been a fully operational Death Star five or so years ago, she might have easily been crowned Her Royal Thighness The I. I guess I’ll have to settle for dreaming about licking honey and brown sugar off of her bushy eyebrows. Yummy-lama-lumma-licous!

• Which mooovie director still maintains a beard so it can help hide his super-obese neck? If you can’t figure it out from the picture, maybe this equation will help: his Neck Size is in Inverse Proportion to the Quality of his Films.

• Congrats to les Twerps for somehow gettin invited to the tournament of tournaments.

• Pulp, not dead yet!

• If Guy Ritchie ever wants to win an Oscar like Sean Penn did, he’ll have to ditch Madonna like Sean Penn did.

• Next Bond flick to be more classy, less Cleesey, and Tarantino won’t ever shut up.

• What do De La Soul, Salt-N-Pepa’s ‘Push It’, Deborah Harry, Ike Turner, Shaun Ryder, MF Doom, and Dennis Hopper all have in common? They’re going to be on the year’s breastest album: Gorillaz’ Demon Days.

• Dolly Parton gropes Sandra Bullock in the name of cinema.

• Terry Reid to play Glastonbury this summer. Tara Reid to gargle jizz this evening.

• The line-up for this year’s Tribeca Film Fest is up.

• Somebody please arrest Hilary Duff… she’s missing an ‘l’ in her first name.

• There’s nothing better than a chocolate dipped cone from the DQ.

• Andy Rooney teaches you how to weed thru yer mail.

• I am – Sheryl Crow is Naked (NSFW)

• One in three dads try breastmilk. The other two prefer tossed salads.

• Dirty boobies are the new side boobs…