Sin City
‘So f#$king HOT‘ – Pat O’Brien
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Despite what you think, this udderly franztatsic visually arresting eye orgasm of a movie is not 2 + hrs filled with Jessica Alba swaying her leather clad hips with lasso in tow. Knowing that you’d probably stink that that would be a BAD thing. Come to spank of it, Alba’s (and Michael ‘how do people keep hiring him?’ Madsen) acting chops were probably the least memorable parts of the whole sha-thang. The rest of cast howevs shines brilliantly in front of the blue (green?) screen. Devon ‘Hottie Owl Face’ Aoki gets no lines o dialog and still rocks the hiz-ousele with swastika ninja stars! And don’t even get me started on how much I want Marley Shelton’s red lips wrapped around my burrito. And who would have ever guessed that Elijah Wood could be menacing, as a Charlie Brown-Harry Potter-Wolverine hybrid from hell? Or how bout being able to sit thru an entire Brittany Murphy film? Finally Ebert & Roeper can shut up about her starring in the bratwurst of the wurstest. To hell with the actors, all the real kudos though should be saved for co-directors Frank Miller & Robert Rodriguez and their team of visual and special effects artists for creating, by far, the greatest comic to movie adaptation of alls thyme! Eat your farts out Dick Tracey AND Sky Captain and The World of Zzzzz!! Some might say Robert Rodriguez’s greatist work ever. Or maybe even Mickey Rourke’s, or Powers Boothe’s, or even Alexis Bledel’seszzes! If you ever plan on seeing this movie in yer lifetime, do it in a theater, for the full eye-candynessistic eggspearence. By the lay, did I mention that Benicio kinda looks bitched @ swirth with Jack White?
Recommended for those who like: movies, women, and guys who like movies with women who lasso, but don’t get nekkid.
Unsatisfied with this? Find a-Ha’s video for ‘Take On Me’.
The Ballad of Jack and Rose
Not Titanic Part II or Another Cougar Mellencamp Ditty
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Daniel-Day Lewis doesn’t juss act in any movie, therefore this one already had an aura of ‘muss c’ written all over it. And while it’s no My Left Foot, it mos certainly aint Gangs of New Bore, although I wouldn’t mind if he sported that stache in every movie. The story, from which I’m sure 4 of you maybe heard about, focuses on aging communer Jack (Daniel-D), who single-handed raises his sheltered, yet carefree daughter Rose (played by del-lish-us up and cummer/my new mos flavorite 18-year-old of the moment, Camilla Belle) in a secluded tiny isle off of the American mainland, which is next up on Beau Bridge’s suburban redevelopment hell list. As Jack’s health deteriorates, he brings in his girlfriend (Catherine Keener) to help out and give Rose the motherly figure she’s long been with out. Along with the lady, comes her two sons (both brills) and the end of Eden as we know it for our title characters. Rose feels betrayed and goes to great lengths to drive her new ‘family’ out of her and pa’s once perfect eggsitance. What eggzatcly happens is for you to find out, but Director Rebecca ‘Arthur’ Miller does an eggsalad job of taking us on that journey from paradise, to paradise lost. Sure, the ending felt a bit rushed, but there’s enough here to give it my seal of apple-roval. Did I mention that Camilla’s eyebrows are the new Jordana Brewster’s eyebrows? No diggty.
Recommended for those who like: the kid from L.I.E., West Virginia family relations, and Jason Lee, in a role that may sirprize you… btw, is it me or has Ryan Reynolds stolen all of his roles lately?
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Professional.
Dear Frankie
A Letter Worth Replying To
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Here’s another gem that I’m sure has already played and left your local cinematorium. Well, that’s a crying shame considering how wonderful this film truly is. It may be a lil sappy for some, but this is my Billy Elliot (boy was that movie a shitterd). Similar to Jack and Rose, where a parental figure is absent and a new person comes into the picture, Frankie has the roles reversed, mother (the mt everest beautiful Emily Hottimer) raises sheltered deaf boy, and they don’t live in Eden… far from it, seaside Scotland. Anywho, Frankie’s mum has been lying to him all of his life about his father’s whereabouts, telling him he’s a seaman, when in fact he’s an abusive arsehole. When pa’s ‘boat’ is headed to town, mum is forced to decide between tellin Frankster the truth or continuing the ruse. She picks the latter and hires a man to act as Frank’s papa. What started as a business proposition turns into something a lil more than she bargained for, and this is where the movie eggcels. Did I mention how much I want Emily Mortimer to be the mum of my children?
Recommended for those who like: fish, chips, and actresses who looks like Pamela Reed.
Unsatisfied with this? See Millions, which is reviewed below.
Downfall
Hitler Gets Humazined My ASS!!
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I muss admit, had I seen this before making my Oscar picks, I might have said it was the one to beat in the Best Foreign Film category (which netted my fav of 2004 Sea Inside a golden boy). Oh boy is this recount of the Third Reich’s final days franz fascinating. If you have any interest in history at all, you MUSS see this. It’s been a long while since we’ve seen a Nazi movie that doesn’t primarily focus on the Holocaust, Lee Marvin, or Indiana Jones. What we do get is a claustrophobic depiction of life in Hitler’s bunker as Berlin crumbles all around. Could you imagine being stuck underground with Der Lover of Watermelons? Many a reviews have made a point of saying this flick ‘humanizes’ Hitler, but I beg to differ. The guy was still a forking psycho who never gave up, even when all pastabilites were eggsausted and his men were starting to turn on him. I mean, is shooting your dog and committing suicide human? Well, not the kind of human I want to be or be around. Spank you berry much.
Recommended for those who like: people shouting in German, watching Nazis lose, and Michael Jackson’s HIStory.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Blind Spot: Hitler’s Secretary.
Millions
So Effin Money
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I had my doubts about Danny Boyle after he followed up one of the greatest movies of all time, Trainspotting, with two microwaved tunafishes: A Life Less Ordinary and The Beach. Then came 28 Days Later, the better zombie flick of the past 2 years, and my faith was mostly restored. And with Millions, a film about faith and money, he hasn’t earned the right to be re-canonized, but he’s fo shozzle off my shit list for good. Mr Boyle is in-jason-capel-a-bull of repeating himself, and for that, I will always look fwd to his next joints. What, you wanted to know something about the movie? It’s cute and you can drag yer g or b-friend to it. Did I mention that our lil hero, Alex Etel, has the cutestest set of freckles this side of Punky Brewster?
Recommended for those who like: charity, the eventual peace the fork outing of the British Pound, and the bible.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Brewster’s Millions.
Aliens of The Deep
Why 3-D IMAX Was Invented
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Get stoned and go see this.
Recommended for those who like: to get stoned and see 3-D IMAX movies. What, you need two more reasons to go and see this?
Unsatisfied with this? Then you must be an ex-pot smoker. Netflix Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit you square!
Born Into Brothels: Calcutta’s Red Light Kids
The Kids Stay In The Picture
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Speaking of the Oscars, there was no doubt that this was gonna kick Morgan Spurlock’s super-sized arse off the stage that magical evening for Doc’s best prize. I mean, I could have made that documentary when I was at college, living off of 5 BK Whoppers for 5 bones. But this spot isn’t reserved for the fu-manchu-McD’s-munching-mini-Michael Moore. No, that honor goes to the whores, and their children who are stuck in the Red Light district lifestyle. Enter Zana Briski, who is so taken by these lil hopeless utes that she does the only thing she knows how: teach them photography, and maybe that’ll be their ticket outta there. What starts off as a slow burn/start, turns into a delightful sizzle/story as the kids’ creativity becomes unleashed and their futures’ seem limitless. Too bad that whatever they do it’s awfully hard to shake the stigma of being a prostitute’s child. Their story is important and had to be told. Maybe we can all help these kids, instead of ceasing to down McNuggets.
Recommended for those who like: Kodak moments, smiling Indian kids, and curry in a hurry.
Unsatisfied with this? Bang a hooker.
Inside Deep Throat
Open Up And Say Ahhhh
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If you took Boogie Nights, presented it in style reminiscent of VH1’s I Love The 70s, and threw on Time/Life’s Ultimate 70s in the background, you’d purty much come out with Inside Deep Throat, the behind the scenes, after the orgasm look at the blue movie that started it all. And spankfully it got an NC-17 rating, so we’re all free to see Linda Lovelace shove Harry Reems’ sausage down her thrizz, while talking about the flick’s social and political implications. I think some people would call that infotainment. I call it ‘worth a peep’.
Recommended for those who like: BJs, O-faces, and John Stossel’s stache.
Unsatisfied with this? Watch the Catholic High School Girls In Trouble [NSFW] part of Kentucky Fried Movie.
D.E.B.S.
S.O.R.T.A. B.L.O.W.S.
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Despite the umcredible rotoscoping, this one unfortunately falls flatter than Louie Anderson on a 14 year-old’s set of breasts. How can it be humanly possible to take a set of young crime fighting girls in skirts (one of them being my Thighcubine, Devon Hotkoi), with one of them falling for another girl, and turn it into a no-so trip down man’s fantasy lane? I dunno, but if this is the best director Angela Robinson can do here, juss imagine (or don’t) what she’ll do with Lohan and Herbie. Eeesh. Did I mention that Jordana Brewster is even mo hotttier in person than she is in bed with my eyes closed?
Recommended for those who like: Owl-faced girls smoking cigs, light lezzie action, and quality rotoscoping.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle.
The Jacket
It Doesn’t Fit, But Don’t Acquit
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Mos psychological thrillers have two types of uneggcetable endings: one that is a complete cop out (see, or don’t see Hide & Seek) and one where nothing is ever really explained or makes one lick of sense (see, or don’t see The Ring). The Jacket is guilty on the second charge (Adrian Brody time travels in his head to help people in the present?), but that doesn’t stop it from being totally unwatchable… read: where else you gonna see a brief glimpse of Keira Knightley’s boobies (hopefully Domino)?
Recommended for those who like: dog tags, Daniel Craig’s blue blue eyes, and Kris Kristofferson’s complexion.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Jacob’s Ladder.
Melinda & Melinda
Boring & Even Boringer
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What a crying shame. Woody Allen still reels in top talent (Will Ferrell, Chloe Smellygny, that kidnapped fat chick down the well from Silence of the Lambs), but does not one thing with them. His recent crop of movies seem to run on autopilot… one which was last updated around 1987. Sure he’s had some goodies since then, but nothing that any of us will likely remember in decades to come. I wouldn’t say the Woodman is done, but I expect more, not to be floored, but not to be bored either. If I wanted that, I’d go to a baseball game and take a nap.
Recommended for those who like: Hollywood Ending, The Curse of the Jade Scorpion, and Small Time Crooks.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Sweet & Lowdown.
Be Cool
Be Gone!
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Oh my forking gawd. What’s worser than seeing a whoreible flick on opening night? Trying to conjure up my thoughts and feelings about it, when I’ve tried so hard to repress them in the annals of my anal mind. You will not laff for one minute of this movie. If you do, please go read a boring blog instead. OK, the Rock’s bit as a gay bodyguard was kinda amusing, but it was a bit overshadowed by the body he was guarding: the MOS UN-FUNNY ‘ACTOR’ IN THE MILKY WAY, Vince Vaughn. I felt like I was watching an American remake of Snatch, cept they replaced all the cool elements with something I pooped out of my a$$ after spending 3 hours at Pizza Hutt’s lunch buffet and somehow found space to throw in Steve Tyler’s disAlGoresting lips. This makes Kevin Spacey’s Beyond The Sea look like The Sea Inside.
Recommended for those who like: scripts written on cocktail napkins, microwaving tin foil, and Two and 1/2 Men.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Citizen Kane.
Until next time, the balcony is clothed…
12. Apr, 2005 
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