Thighs Wide Shut

• Tell me dear Thighlanders, what would you dan rather read, this SuperCrapolaCelebBlog or a Voltron-esque one where Pinky, The Fiddler, The BlogFather, Stereogizzle, and myself all joined forces? That’s like 37 chambers of death son!

• Speaking of hot pics of me and maize, you’alls think I forgot about the CornMe Photoshop contest? FORK no bizatches! I’ve juss been waiting for some quality submissions, not the crap on the stick I’ve been gettin. So don’t hesitate, and send em NOW! [Note: some of the submishuns have been franztastic, but i juss want MORE!!]

• Speaking of umcredible photoshopping, the Fark Crew tackle possible promo posters for Star Wars: TV [via 1.21 Gigabestest]

• Hopefully this will put an end to those Renee ‘Pufferfish’ Smellweger & Jack White rumors. But what will the world do now that Orlando Boo has moved on after Lois Lame?

• I really lovin this Mischa Keds campaign. First there was the jungle fever, and now they got her in pink panties drinking milk. I dunno what that has to do with cruddy shoes, but GAWD I love boney women with strong bones whom I’d love to bone. BONE HOME baby from this bonhomme!! And do you think it’s the ape’s or my fault that her and Brandon are on their way to splitsville?

• Besides Freddy Got Fingered, anything Tom Green does is genius. Here’s hoping that trend continues with his rejuvenated rap career.

• Arnold Schwarzenegger does not want to destroy the moon. He really juss wants to get his a$$ to Mars. [last link NSFW]

• Franz fanz demandz the return of Alex’es hair.

• Portman to join Sinead O’ in a remake of Alien3?

• Hey, it beats pin the tail on the South Korean, doesn’t it?

• Didn’t realize that the new NIN was THAT good! [via Metafilts]

• I blame Sydney Pollack. I blame Jackson Pollock.

• Eels with strings!

• BRMC to return, but will anyone care? Maybe the should add a ‘The’ to their name.

• Keira Knightley’s butt was out of shape.

• Peace le fork out to the co-writer of Dumbo’s LSD trip.

• I guess he was sick of using DrivingMrsDaisy.com

• Download away! [via Maple Leafer]

• All Eyes On Jennifer Wilbanks

• Is this Dr Phil’s attempt at winking or juss saying ‘yes’ to Pat O’?

• Utz, when will u let me design your shirts!!

• CrochetMyCrotch.com [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• no coffee

• A Timeline of Confectionery [via House of Whacker]

• Sonic the H-hog heaven [via Justin Case]

• Clouds that look like things

• Toss-up, which smells wursterer: microwaved tuna fish covered in sulfur or this 2,000 year old shoe?

• Go Bonzo on dem drums!

• Vibrator For Children [via Brawny-Steen-Stein]

• Cuthbest’s next joint, Captivity, will be the greatestist Roland Joffe movie MT EVEREST (well, maybe 2nd to The Killing Fields)! At least someone knows talent when they see it… unlike the d-bags over at Maxim. Apparently the lad mag couldn’t squeeze HRT the II into der busted-arsed list of the Top Hot 100. WaaaaaaaaaHUUUTT!!?!? Sure Beaut Barfon made an appearance, but dat doesn’t make up for this blovious omission. I mean, on what planet do u have to hail from to think Mena ‘Surfin’ Suvari is attractive? Probably the same rock that her conehead head people be from. TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER Maxim crackheadz cause I wanna smack you’alls in the face. Plus, there’s only on Maxim in my book and that’s George Fortescu Maximillian ‘Maxim’ de Winter of Rebecca fame.

[via JJ]

• Life juss hasn’t been the same since Lord of The Rings ran its course and ran out of stories to tell each Christmastime (boy that was truly a golden age of awesomenessness, right?). Since then, there really hasn’t been any movie worth looking fwd too. C’mon, you can’t be serious that yer foaming at the pants with eggcitment for Episode III?? You think Hayden Crapysen all of the sudden learned how to act over the last 3 years? Well, my pessimism has turned to optimus-prime-mizzim after peepin the trailer for The Chronicles of Narnia: The L, W, & the W! Lettuce get all crunked up cause this one looks off the meat and your mother’s rack.

• What do you get when you cross IT’S PAT’S SAUCY V-MAILS and ROSIE THE RIVETING RETARD? THIS!!!!! [via the Unstoppable Gasm of TV]

• Before Wax, Cuthies had never been to a wax museum. She had too many better things to do, like pick up my dry cleaning, make me waffles, and bathe me. Either way, none of this eggsplains why Kingdom of Boredom beat Wax at this weekend’s box office. And is there a chance Cuthsplurt could be coming back to 24? “I don’t wanna come back unless it’s incredible and amazing and something wild and fun. If I come back I wanna come back in a big way.” And by incredible, amazing, wild, fun and a big way, she’s talking about my cak. Anywayz, had she been cast as Lois Lane, no one would have ever had to read this!

• Da Da Vinci Code‘s teaser poster

• Why?

• Free passes to Lords of Dogtown in NYC and Bewitched AND Stripes (?) in various cities!

• Ali-G Ring Weapon Charge Quashed

• KittenWar.com

• Ouch in words and Ouch in video [via Marv/ItzrRichy]

• What’s the world’s greatest blog, that isn’t a blog? This collection of one customer’s Amazon reviews. [via Natty-lie-t]

• I love it when Yessica gets cold and Jenna gets wet [wetness-NSFW]

• Everyone’s flavorite game: Computer Programmer or Serial Killer? [via Clevetown Mustard King]

• WTF, the animated gif [via My Ole Kenspunky Home]

• These three peeps all have to get on a bus and drive off a cliff. Please, don’t act all sirprized by all this.

• And if I were to ever make a music video, I’d force Mischa Mistress the MIXLIX to dress like this

[via UMC]

And Robert Palmerize the rest

• Didn’t czech it out yesterhay? Well, you haz to today: Rosie O’Donnell is a big fat retard who loves buses, marshmallows, toilet seats, being touched by Andie McDowell, and talking really loud – THE MONTAGE!!!

• Blessed be the ones who greenlit Catherine Zeta-Tomata-Zendejas-Jones-Douglas in that outfit Part II!

• NME gives props to Demon Days + one lengthy-arsed Gorillaz interview. BUT WHEN WILL THE US TOUR DATES BE ANNOUNCED?!?!

• Spielberg is a pussy

• Posh: I Wannabe A Singer. Reason 21245667891 to leave planet Earth.

• Al Gore, the internets older brother, finally gets some respec

• Slough-ouch!

• The new and improved Amy Sedaris.com

• When I grow up, I either want to go to Bovine University or Whore College.

• Abi Titmuss is a genius, and has a name I’d loved to rub my member on.

• The 27 Million Dollar Paper Weight

• Jesse Metcalfe Picks His Nose

• Sh%t is bananananas [NSFWness via Kizuna Lover #1]

• I don’t

• And Trey, if you ever lay a hand on Mischa Mischka again, I’ll cut off yer eyelids, break your lava lamp, make you my bitch and force you to carry food and drink items on your name.

[caps via OCFans]

• Have you been following Jeopardy!’s THUMBcredible Tournament of Champions? Probably not cause yer a big fat loser who can only compete with the lame brains that appear on Wheel of Fortune. Anywhozitz, the bizatches they normally have competing on the show are the fattiest of the fat hippo-tot-a-butches. Lizadies that look like yer English teacher in high school who had dem giant John Stossel ‘staches. (I know this is all a bit shallow, but like Stossel would say ‘Gimmie a break’ cause I’ve been watchin this show for EVA) But alas, I think I’ve finally found my Jeopardy! Aphrodite. And Aphro’s real name is Pam Mueller. What’s crizz-azy about this is that my lusting for the Muel goes back to when she cleaned house on 2000’s College Tournament. I thought I’d never see her again and she quickly escaped my mind, til she showed up again on my TiVo a few weeks back in this Ultimate Tourney. Well, the horny-ness-ness is back on full force and I think this love is fo realzz!! Don’t worry folks, she aint Her Royal Thighness material, but mos def a strong Trung candidate to mother my childrenz. She’s not only a super genius, but she’s ultra adorable, well poised, and currently resides in the DC area. All major pluses in my book. And I bet it’s safe to say she loves corn and going to the movies. So peeps, be sure to root on my dearest Pammy as she tackles a bunch of super dorks in the Elite 18. I mean, who’d u rather see collages of, Ken Jennings, or Perfect Pam? [Note: I know those pics SUCK, but there aint many a Pam Mueller pics tearin up dem internets]

• XtraGoogle, the mp3 search engine we’ve all been waitin for! [via Double Whopper w/Vikes]

• Waitin for the big guys to write about Coachella? Well, have fun waitin, cause shiz takes foreverski to write about. Bee leave u a me, I almost had to quit my day job last ano juss to wrap up last year’s festives! In the meantime, I suggest you peep out Central Village‘s musings and Arcade Fire masturbation piece. Also I got a real kick out of World Wide Wang’s review. Here’s a snippet that made me laff more than a whip-it:

We again left early for some experimental band called Bloc Party. I’m not sure what exactly to call them, but they seemed to be a new wave of British punk-pop that will be the big thing in a few years. Mr. Starfizzy with his infinite knowledge of British rock, explained to me that they are the new catchy thing.

• Is there anything better than a wet Yessica Alba?

• Colbert = ColBEST!

• Damon Albarn To Record Album With Val Kilmer?

• Orlando Bloom is like the Puff Daddy of England. I hear he’s gonna start a pointless t-shirt co called ‘Voteth Or I’ll Star In Another Movie That Takes Place Before the 19th Century’! Related: Subservient Blair

• No one can turn nothing into something like the great Srunken Deppfather! FYI: his content is usually NSFW. His ads are mos farfelly NOT SAFE FOR EYEBALLS!

• So at my 10 year reunion, should I just walk around sportin’ sunglasses and corn? Rocket Pride Rocket Power!

• Finally there’s a reason for me to join the army. [via The Barrister]

• How much tzatziki sauce do you thinks the Gyro Captain consumes in a day?

• I don’t think it’s fair that Saturn has 46 moons and we have only 1. Sure, we have hot ass babes, but where does that really get us?

• Wanna see J-Lo lock horns with J-Fo fo free? [via Melly Mel]

• If u ever want a girl to bone u, buy her this. [via Verbose Semicoma]

• My Favorite Word. Mine? Grundlicious!

• Seriously, what is wrong with her eyes?!? That look is so 69 B.C.!!

• Is that Jenna Bush’s bush [NSFW] dat I o’ say can I see????#~@?$?~?$%$ And twat do we all owe this (dis)honor??? By the Lays, she kinda reminds me of a chubbier Cuthbest. [clam bake via Zach de la Roachclip, other pic via Fark]

• Page Six Six Six to be deep sixed by Page Six? Does that mean that dear ole Paige Six will be 86ed by Turk 182!? [Gawker article via Jared, cause I don’t read Gawker… sorry Jess :(]

• Ex-Maryland great, Juan Dixon was inspired by the internets to not play all sucky-like, our beloveded Guns n’ Rosenthal reports. Hopefully something similar will happen where Kate Booosworth reads this site and ceases to be borrrrrrrrring.

• Sick of Ultragrrrrrrrrl? Too bad.

• Bestest Trent pink texty thing of ’05 [via Some Site]

• Coach Carter meets Pulp Fiction meets Chris Chelios? [via MerWizzle]

• Jennifer Wilbanks Runaway Bride Wedding Kit! [The Miami Vikings of Bloggeriah]

• How many Mischa Bartons = one XL member of the Davis clan? I say, maybe 16? [via ONTD]

• Say g’bye to yer free whack-off matz you Texan high schoolers!

• More Ron Mexico clothing [another via Z de la R]

• Steve Irwin can’t help but be… Steve Irwin

• I hate cartoons, but… [via Johnny Dollah Dollar Bill Y’alls]

• Dancing Mascots Animated Gif [via the new Hotness]

• Did anyone see Pat O’Brien at Coachella ? [NYDailyNewz/Spence]