Thighs Wide Shut

• The baby geniuses over at KiddieRecords dug up some rare ole Disney MP3 hotness, but now has left yer humble mumbler crazy hungerin and hankerin and huntinin for the original soundtrack to his mos flavorite double Oscar Nominated Disney gem of thighsthymme starring Donald Duck AND Carmen Miranda’s sister: The Three Caballeros. If you’ve never seen this loco enchilda fiesta of a toon, you flavioiously didn’t have a childhood and I pity and shit on you. It’s like the OG Who Framed Roger Rabbit, where toons & G-rated poon [NSFW] go hand in hand! So can ANYONE help me find this lost on a digital world soundtrack? This mission is even more importante (that’s Spanish for ‘important’) than my jihad crusade on ending Vince Vaughn’s career (although he really needs no help from me… being probably the most unfunny actor that everyone deems funny). If you find it, I may buy you a hamburger. And if yer a vegetarian, I’ll take you out and force you to eat bacon. In the greenwich meantime, for a lil taste of what I’m stalkin’ about, download Bing Crosby doing ‘Baia’ & ‘You Belong To My Heart’, which both appeared in the film, juss not his versions. [MPtres via LP2CD]

• And look what Disney’s doing these days: Instead of coming up with stellar 2-D toons, they’re busy digitally reducing Lohag’s ex-gynnormous bazoongies from Herbie so not to make lil kids horny. I juss read this in the NYDN, but apparently this is old news. ADDDED: Defamer’s got visual evidence?

• Speaking of melons-collie, will Kylie Minogue’s ill boobies double-handedly reform the forking STONE ROSES?!??@#?@! If that happened, some might say, that sister is the messiah!!

• Leno on the stand is purty much like Leno on his show: no laughing matter.

• MC5 to Kick Out The Jams (motherfuddgers) from start to finnish @ NorthSix

• Clive Owen: ““I’ve always wanted to be James Bond. I’ll pour it all out right now! Why won’t they offer it to me?“

• The first sign of the Apocalypse? Or is it the second?

• NFL bids the ‘horse-collar’ tackle a-doo-doo. Is the camel clutch next?

• Gawd how I love the White Stripes, their new vid, and Meg White… even if she is a robot. [via link via ONTD]

• The Raven goes Rambo. Sounds like the biggest mistake since Dr Seuss went the Great White Way!

• Bad prequel news: Texas Fisher Price My First Chainsaw Massacre

• Good prequel news (for once): No Go on Crouching Cub, Hidden Valley Ranch

• Cathedral to Star in Da Vinci Code Film. Is that Charlotte Church’s less attractive cousin?

• Yeah Beck, the qwiker you can make Midnite Vultures II, the butter!

• Sharapova survives round 1, but loses in the pics dept. Sorry Engle, whomever you is, I guess we’ll have to wait a few more matches before the hot spandex wedgie photos arrive.

• Kasabian to write Engerland’s World Cup Anthem?

• Ringo wants to save his birthplace AND come easy @ Irving Platz June 19th.

• What do Phil Spector, Bob Geldof, the REAL Anakin Skywalker, Melting Nazis, and Lindsay Lohag all have in common? I dunno, but they creep the living FORK outta me!

• There’s nothing Grimm about Bellucci

• Want real Britney news, you know where to go. Want stoopid Britney stuff, then click here.

• Kournikova eats a popsicle. Want Moooore?

• Hey, is anyone seeing Gang of 14 tonight at the 9:30 Club?

• Educated consumers click here for 10% off.

• Normally I shun all things cartoony (sides Gorillaz videos and pre-1985 Disney stizz), but in this case, I’ll make an eggggggggsception. [Parker Sister]

• Just what my dad wants, a Skins’ jersey that sez ‘Name’ on it!! Then he’d be 1/2 as cool as his son who has ‘Your Name’ on his.

• Bid on Amy Sedaris’ John Hancocked Bust!

• The definitive Dark Side Over The Rainbow

• Billy Murray geht wieder mal unter die Geister!

• Pakula, this one’s for you: Thundercats Outtakes! [via the Gold DiSpencer]

• Cybernetic Parrot Sausage AND Origami w/Hot Dogs? [via Nipsy Newbsy]

• If you click on only one thing today, make it How To Dance Like A White Guy [via 1,2,3, Look @ Richie Lee]

• And while some people have gone the way of Skeletor, others juss keep getting better by the day. Cuthsplurt, how could I ever dispose you as Queen of Thighland? I’ll never say ‘never ever’, cause I never ever would have guessed that Keds could give me a Boner Stabone. Anywayz…

[via the always mammoth, UMC]

• So what is Jack Bauer to do NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW, NOOOOOOOOOW that he is a man without a bourne identity, a man without a country, and a man who will probably never ever eat Chinese food again. Tom Wellington, Me, & Mies van der Rohe all think there is only one logical next step: call up Stephen J. Cannell and start up a new A-Team!! Can’t u juss see Jack assuming the role of ‘Hannibal’, Behrooz Araz as ‘BA’, Jude Law as ‘Faceman’, Jack Black as ‘Howling Mad’ Murdock, and Jack’s daughter Kim (you know, ELISHA CUTHBEST) as ‘Triple A’ Amy Amanda Allen, who will only last one season, just like the original character did. Somehow they’d also have to work in Chloe, who returned to her people down in Fraggle Rock, Edgar, who semi-retired to challenge the skills of Takeru Kobayashi, Tony ‘THE MAN’ Almeida, who works for the National Institute of Whispering, and President Palmer, who’s gotz his good hands tied up with Allstate.

• Related #1: But is dearest Her Royal Thighness the II better suited for the mystery female role in MI3?

• Related #2: A-Team Drinking Game

• Trump University. Too bad there aint no courses on ‘Dealing With Bad Hair’, ‘How To Have Beautiful Children Like Me When You Look Like… Me’, and ‘TV & VCR Repair’.

• Me loves it when a star denies a report and then a Brit paper/site reports that as a ‘slam’. Latest: Mischa & Brandon’s splitsville report AND Lohan & her weight.

• Senate centrists agree, Monica Bellucci has some killer knockers [all 3 NSFW]! “Oh…. thank you, Doctor.“

• Madness to strap on their baggy trousers in their house, make a new album, and yes, finally visit our shore sometime in the fall. Or so B-Board claims.

• J-Fo working 9 to 5 again? Seems Dolly Parton and Lily Tomlin are game, but how come no word from The Dabney?

• Somethings are breast left alone, as the crap that they is.

• Wouldn’t want to be at the Knowles’ this T-giving.

• Please be true to your words and leave. Please take those comments back and yer cloths off!

• Charlie’s Dingbats

• Peace the FORK out to the importance of (used to) being Ernest T. Bass AND to a man who was soo grrrrrrrrrrrrrreeaat!

• A bunch o’ Star Werz crap: Two more doses of Fark Photoshop genius (hispecially these: 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5), one set from Worth1000 (HOT), Allah Ackbar, Darth Vader, jerk-ass, and now thief, StoreWars, The Last Supper, B-Wagon Boy reviews Star Wars 6 The Attack of the Sixth, and at least ONE good thing came out of all this: more of our dearest Natalie [via DataW?/EgoMyTastics/JJ/Other Crap]

• No Batdance 2005

• Benicio Del HERO

• Am I a B-List Blogerrebrityiggizillzedydo cause these guys are the #1 Google result for ‘thighs’?

• Juss to be clear, Regynyouth is not Regnyouth

• I heart anything written on Skeet On Mischa

• Albert Hammond, Jr, dropped as a baby

• Tell Uncle Rico that the dream is dead

• While the search continues for the real Cliff Engle, here’s the story behind the Cliff behind the Notes.

• And so castles made of sand fall in the sea, eventually.

• Anyone want some pizza with yer Posh Spice pepperoni? [NSFW]

• Ball Boys, Fat Boys, & Frat Boys [last NSFW]

• Man Leaps From Car to Retrieve Cigarette. Maybe Rooney WAS on to something… or at least he’s on the path to immortality.

• Kiddie Records Weekly

• RentMyDaughter AND RentMySon dot coms? We’ve come a long way since My Buddy & Kid Sister. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• MK, PHONE HOME!!

• Spinning gold teeth to impress all your friends! [via CEF]

• Demon Days drops today, SON! You must buy it NOWWWW or Jack Bauer will be forced to eat Sesame Chicken in a Chinese jail. I mean, when a band has to choose between Dennis Hopper and J.R. Ewing to guest star on their album, you know that shiz is gonna be off the coat rack AND redonkeylous! And tit tis! NO DOUBT!!!

• Although not as magnificent as Twin Peaks was after season one (& sadly often compared to), Desperate H-wives wrapped up round 1 in about as high fashion and class as it started with. And to tell the truth, the hotnessies left for us to mull over during our summer vacay’s are far more interesting than the ones the OC dropped on us last week. Don’t spank me wrong, I’d can’t wait to see Mischa bend over for the soap in jail and becoming the Andy Dufresne for a whole new generation, but that juss doesn’t compare to Zack/Dana/Pothead’s looneybinness, RFK’s second meeting with death, and the unsolved reasoning behind Carlos being all ‘crotch-mouthed’ (genius term dreamt up by Michelle on Tvgasm). Soon I may replace ‘is it football season yet?’ with ‘is it Marcia Cross season yet? [last semi-NSFW]

• Spice Girls To Reform?!?!?!?!!!! I mean, this isn’t as big as Gang of Four (whomever the fork they are) getting back together, but this begs the question, when will Our Gang reunite?

• Kate Boosworth could have been Katie Holmes?!?!?

• Stream the new Stripes & watch their new video

• Yabba dabba later

• Antonio Banderas to play Dali. Interesting choice, but maybe he would’ve been a better choice to play van Dyke.

• Gavrilo Princip woulda had such an easier time assassinating Franz Ferdinand had he know about dem peanuts. But it’ll take a lot more than an allergic reaction to Arachis hypogaea to keep the Archdukes from Live Aid, now called Live 8.

• Is this guy the second choicen one?

• Motley Crue vs Duran²

• Time Magazine, you know, the authority on all things film, have unleashed their list of the All-Time Top 100 Movies. They sloboviously cant be trusted if A Clockwork Orange, Cloak & Dagger AND Escape From The Planets of the Apes were all omitted.

A now for a bunch of blog related blog stuff…

• I don’t really know what all this fazzle with Blogebrity is, but apparently I’m only good enuff to be a B-List Blogebrity. Are you forking kidding me? I mean, this alone is worthy of A-Listedness! At least they don’t know my real identity. And until the day I get elevated to A-List status, Blogebrity will be a B-List Cewebrity.

• Nike iD enlists the help of the blogerati to design shoes/whore out their products. So who’s kicks have the most kick? And how am I too choose between Stereo’s, Pradashoppe’s, Aeki’s, Melody’s, Coolfie’s, & Leafblower’s? And out of all dem beautiful peeps, which one eats the most boxes of Kix? And when will Adidas let me design their shoes? Is it cause I want to make the first sneaker made from corn?

• Only the combo of me, Trey Atwood, and my man boobs could make Pink go red!

• GoldenFiddle.com, don’t call it a come back. Cause it’s a be back.

• TWS, yer 5th 4th result when searching for all things ‘Pam Mueller’

• And BritPoppa apparently discovers the Who’s Quadrophenia font.

Back to yer regularly scheduled crap on a stick…

• Tom Cruise to direct Steve Spielberg in a movie about a Russian immigrant?

• Every time I read about her, I juss can’t get the image of Penelope Ann Miller out of my head.

• Mr Cliff Engle lives, but not of 80s NFL sweater fame. The search continues for the real man behind the cloth of the gawds.

• Rooney babble ons about ashtrays, matches, and cigarette holders. And apparently, if you smoke, yer more likely to be an idiot.

• Why are soap operas called “soap operas”?

• Twin Bobbleheads

• Speakers on &: Nooooooooooooooooooo! Which comes a close 2nd to YTMND in my heart. [via Leader of the Pak Man]

• Be the only earthling to own 6 Freezer Freakies Beanies

• I take it all back, there is one sport in the summertime that I actually like to watch: Women moaning in tight clothing whilst smacking balls. Hispecially womenez who are in a hurry, that be curvy, and that make the BlogFather’s pants all filled with slurry.

[via The Superfish]

• I loves it when there be mad press goings on for things I really love. Last month it was a sea of Cuthbestedness for House of Wax Dat A$$, and now it’s the Gorillaz turn! Not only did we learn that their new tour will once again feature the same impersonal silhouette display they rocked back in the ’02 from B-board, but even the NY Times dropped some scoopage (+ a great pic of Mr Albarn on a bike!) like the Dreamworks feature film is not going to happen and that Danger Mouse will be on board for the next Blur album.

• Speaking of, details of Graham’s next crackers revealed! Hey Coxy, save sum of dem idears for yer former bandmates.

• Can yous bee leave someone ponyed up 7.4 mills to get Destiny’s Child to play their son’s Bar Mitzvah? If yer daddy had a fat bank roll who would you choose to make you Bar/Bat Mitzvah the mos rockinest Jewfest of all? For me, it would have to be the keepers of the keytars, Air. Although I bet it wouldn’t cost to much too get the Fiery Furnaces in general.

• 2B purrrfectlee honest, Andy Rooney is berry umcredible & unrelievable. I mean, I’ve always wanted to hear him say ‘itÂ’s, like, cool, man.’

• New Radiohead Album Out Early 2006?

• I don’t even know who you are anymore.

• Even if Natalie was a bald cancer-stricken-neo-Nazi-lesbian, I’d and you’d still bone her six ways from Saturday.

• First PS3 photo?

• Ladytron & Madness to tour Engerland (not together) this summer, but when the fork are they States bound?

• The Wendy’s missing digit mystery has finally been fingered out.

• R2-D2 hates on C3-PO

• Anybody know this Star Wars character’s name?

• WHAT?!?!?! The only good thing that could possib-lee come out of this is another round of McDonald’s Dick Tracy Crimestopper (scratch-off) Game, which I now will be on the look out for on eBay.

• Speaking of… Nintendo Game + Bad Movie = Pure Entertainment

• Liam Gallagher to star opposite Begbie?

• Trent is The New Messiah was chosen as the NY Post’s 10th entry on their weekly Hot List. I guess the Post doesn’t realize that he’s gay.

• How long can I stay tuned for their next move?

• Anyone looking to buy yer beloved Thigh Mizzle a gift and have $200 to spare? Look no further!!

• Come play with us Danny, for ever and ever and EVER!

• May is National Bike Month! Somebody call Eric Thomann!!

• Classic Car Commercials

• Anyone else going to the Kasabian show at Bowery tonight? I’m flying solo and need someone to rock out with. Look for me sans sunglasses & corn.

• Forgot to mention this last week, but Jeopardy! honey/my future wife, Pam Mueller, won her Elite 18 match against a bunch of social butterflies in the Tournament of Champions. This week she will compete in the Semi-Finals, and get one step closer to takin on dorkmaster Ken Jennings in the final round. My TiVo® pause button, Jergens® & Kleenex® are all ready 2 gogh!

• And a belated 29th burthday wish goes out to UK uber-cutie pie Martine McCutcheon [NSFW]. Boy I sure would like to McTouchen her mar’hiney.

Crash
David Cronenberg Who?
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We’re nearly half way thru the ’05 and it’s purty safe to say that no movie thus far can compare to the magnificence and brilliance that is Crash… besides the Citizen Kane of Paris Hilton movies: House of Waxin’ Cuth’sbutt. Ebert & Dorknutz

were so taken (not the Steve Spielberg presentin kind) by it that they is already making space for it on their year end best of lists, so you know that martin automatica that this is a muss see in a sea of mushy peas. Going into the flick, my eggspectations were about as low as a Cracker song. I mean, how good could this pasta-illy be with such star wattage as the Sandra Bullock (the poor man’s Julia Roberts, and that’s purty forking poor considering how busted Erin Boobonovich is as an actress), Ludacris, and Mr Reese Witherspoon. Luckily, they, as well as the rest of the mos eggsalad ensemble cast (Matt Dill, Don Cheads, Mike Pena-pasta, Thandie Newtz, Terrence D Howyadoin, and yes, even TONY ‘Mario Karts’ DANZA) all shined under the watchful eye and deft penmanship of one Paul Haggis, aka the mother brain behind a lil thang called Million Dollar Baby. Had some other director, say PT Andersucks or Ro-boo Altman, helmed this pic, which purrfectly examines the fragile relationships that eggsists between the races in America, it would have been a 3 hour self-indulgent preachy snooze fest. So don’t delay, go directly to Crash, do not see Go, and do not collect $200.

Recommended for those who like: O-Dog, Lincoln Navigators, and racist jokes that are funny, but aren’t really funny.

Possible Porno Name: Cr-Ass-shhhh

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix To Kill A Mockingbird.

Layer Cake
If Marie Antoinette Were Alive, She Might Say, ‘Let Them Watch Layer Cake‘
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While Guy Ritchie has been playing Kabba-blah buddy to Madge, his ex-producing pal Matthew Vaughn has been carrying the torch for the neo-British gangster genre. And doin a fine job of it too I might add. Insert viewing of Layer Cake here. Wow, was that forking hella good, like a hot bowl of Chef Boyardee’s Beefaroni when u was 7 years old. LC contains a lot of the Snatch and Lock, Stock ingredients for goodness, like: being highly stylized, charming, dialog-licious, filled to the brim wit fantabulous character names, and doves course, a splendid sdtrk (use of Duran squared’s ‘Ordinary World’ was hispecially Guinness BRILLIANT!). The only thing that separates Vaughn’s stizz from Richie’s is that the cockney humor is kept to a minimum and therefore the flick comes off more like a serious drama rather than a banana daiquiri fun fest. And if yer melon was scratching at news of leading man Daniel Craig (who plays our hero ‘XXXX’… who is so much more X-cellent than Vin Diesel OR Ice Cube) possibly being the next Bond, you’d understand why he’s being considered if you saw this icy blue-eyed beauty/smoothie work his mojo in LC. The dude is cool. Mad cool. Don’t spank me wrong, I think Clive Owen is the only choice for JB, but methinks a grand idea would be to have them both be 007 agents in training in a single movie, and then afterwards have the public vote for which stud gets to order his martinis and bikinis shaken, not stirred. Anywho, seems like I’m not the only one who agrees that MV is the new hotness as he was recently tapped to direct X-Men 3. And what you gots left in yer arse-e-nal Guy Riches? I’m sure Revolver will be watchable, but with enlisting the help of Jason Statham for the umteempth time, are you really branching out or juss making the same thing over and over, red rover? He may have been better off directing The Transporter 2. Btw, the Real Jonah, aka the former Mr Thought, thinks u should run out and see the movie. He’s a tougher critic than I, and he’s a thinker. This is the statue that Rodin made of him in his honor. And if you don’t truss either one of us, I ask you dear sirs or hookers, would Michael Gambon agree to appear in crap on a stick? I mean, the dude is not only the new Dumbbledore, but ran the country in Ali G Indahouse.

Recommended for those who like: the dad from The Commitments, Greenwich Mean Time, and Sienna Miller’s side boob.

Possible Porno Name: Lay Her Cakes With The Icing From My Hostess’ Ding Dongs

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Croupier. [link NSFW]

Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy
Pack Yer Bags, Tis Gonna Be a Funky Ride
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Warning: if you did not read the book, you’re probably not going to ‘dig’ this flick. I read the book not long ago and didn’t really enjoy it get it see what the big deal was. To be honest, I was kinda let down by the book cause the mystery of what the HGTTG actually was had stewed in my mind since my pre-pubescent (but not pre-pubic) years. Too bad ’42’ was the answer I was looking for to this enigma. Anywho, I was scared to even approach anything HGTTG cause I thought it was related to the C. Thomas Howell/Rutger Hauer fright fest known as The Hitcher. And back then I was scared of anything, everything, and even Thing from The Addams Family! PLUS The KKK, Lightning, and Hebrew School! But I really dug the flick (not The Hitcher). I thought it effectively captured the humor and the spirit of the book, and in turn I started to appreciate the book’s nuisances and randomness a lil bit more. So I don’t know if anything, everything, or John Carpenter’s The Thing [beware of audio] what one can learn by reading any of greta garble written above. Should you see it? Should you not? Should you read the book 1st or at all? Should you revisit your C. Thomas Howell DVD box set including Soul Man, Hidalgo, and Red Dawn? I dunno, I can’t forking do everything for you stinkin peoples!! Btw, I heart Martin Freeman. I want him to work in my office.

Recommended for those who like: Droids, Pink Floyd, and British humor as dry as an Altoid.

Possible Porno Name: Bitch-Diker’s Guide To The Female Anatomy

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Fifth Element.

The Interpreter
Three ‘E’s, Three ‘R’s, & A Buttload of Zzzzzzzzzz
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If Sean Penn, Nicole Kidman, and the UN did not star in this movie, you wouldn’t even have a movie. You’d probably still have some things, like stuff and maybe some other stuffy things of thingy stuff, sprinkled here and there. This movie is such a pointless, mindless, senseless, purposeless, snoozefestlesses (which actually put my cinema mate to sleep that day!) that I’m juss goin to write a bunch of mind numbing dribble that would make Rob Dibble hit a triple-double whilst playing Double Dribble… This movie is lost in translation cause it’s in a dead language that no one in the world speaks anymore, cause that language is the native tongue from the land of boringggggggggggggg. I hear that’s where Lois Lame & Orslando Bloo used to vacay. Sprechen sie crap taking a dump on my crap? That’s a lil too harsh, but not as harsh as sitting thru this blah that sirpizingly came from the same Mr that brought you Out of Africa & Three Days of the Condor. Dis spiz came out more like Out of YOUR LEAGUE (of nations) and Seems Like Three Days Watching Condorman. Sydney, you were this close to earning the dreaded ‘Slit Your Eyes Out’ rating, but alas I have faith in you and I happen to be in a good mood today and therefore, we’ll call it ‘Not Awful’. I’ve said enuff. I haven’t said enough… cause I said ‘I’ve said enuff’, not ‘I’ve said enough’.

Recommended for those who like: a SHEETload of walkie talkies, who hate Air’s Talkie Walkie [download ‘Cherry Blossom Girl‘ and THEN tell me u hate them!], and a black guy with freakin lookin eyes.

Possible Porno Name: The PeterInToHer-perter

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the movie the UN didn’t allow to film inside its hallowed halls, Hitchbest’s North By Northwest.

The Amityville Horror
A REAL HORRORSHOW

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Maybe this remake would’ve worked had the name ‘National Lampoon’s’ preceded the title. Why? Cause how is one to bee leave for 4 fargin seconds that Ryan Reynolds is a phantom menacing and imposing father figure in a horror movie? And oh boy how the ‘movie’ goes to great lengths to show you juss how menacing and imposing he really is, in the form of: his eyes gettin real watery and bloodshot, his love of using his axe and yelling at his step-children simultaneously, and gettin’ really into staring at walls and looking at clocks that say 3:15 and not 4:20. All of this ‘insanity’ only happens when he’s inside the house. But when he’s out and about, he’s juss a great normal guy who loves sesame chicken and turtlenecks. You know, an avg joe like Van Wilder or someone Alanis Morrissette could possibly marry. And the sad part is, even if one shred of this movie was based on actual fact, which they do claim, I’d never bee leave it for a second. The events that occur are so redonkyelous and unrelievable that you feel yer on one of those stupid haunted mansion rides at the beach where you know a skeleton is going to pop out of a treasure chest at any moment. Basically the whole thing is about as scary as a Richard Scarry book in Ukrainian. Break out the razor and say (Joe-E-)ta-ta to yer eyeballs!

Recommended for those who like: cheese puffs covered in poo-poo, asparagus covered in pee-pee that smells like asparagus, and pointless Michael Bay-produced remakes.

Possible Porno Name: The Smelly clAm’N’Tees-ville Whore House

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the original, complete with James Brolin’s crazy beard.

Spaz always, until we meat again, the balcony is clothed…