Thighs Wide Shut

and oh, even stephen mo good news: after much public pressure, the ORIGINAL, unLucasized versions of Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, & Return of the Jedi will be release on DVD, Zeptember 12th. So maybe there is a Gawd after all. But none of this will ever make up for the eggsistance of female Greedo [Pakula Shaker]

Colour Me Kubrick
John Malkovich Being Someone Else Who Was Being Someone Else
Trailer (contains too many spoilers in my o-pinion)
US Release Date – unknown

Written by one of MASTER director Stanley Kubrick’s assistants and directed with obvious passion by one of his assitant directors, Colour Me is the hilarious loose fictionalization of conman Alan Conway’s amazing mid 90s London exploits as a Kubrick impersonator [read the a UK article about it all here]. And since the internets was in its infancy, not many people knew what SK looked like. That worked heavily in the favor of the beardless, overly gay, and skinny Conway, who duped many, and in the process reaped the benefits of posing as the pseudo-Howard Hawks of our day. I couldn’t imagine a more perfect role for the overly serious, yet doesn’t take himself so serious Malkovich. It’s by far his mos humorous to date, unless you count his work as Teddy KGB in Rounders, which I don’t think was suppose to be funny. What more could you ask for? If you love the Kubrick AND the Malkovich, you’ll thoroughly enjoy this. PROMISE!! And if you don’t, please go back to Swaziland you effin Swazi!!

Recommended for those who like: the gayness of the killer from Silence of the Lambs, classic classical Kubrick scores, and costumes almost as outlandish and garish as the ones in Velvet Goldmine

Possible Porno Name: Hummer My Cute Prick

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the other Malkovich gay con job, Ripley’s Game [trailer in RM]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Hello’ by Lionel Richie [d] or anything by Color Me Badd [d], I guess

IMDb Sweeney: the only cast member to actually have worked with the Kub was Barry Lyndon‘s lady in hotness, Marisa Berenson. Other random notables in the cast are: Ms Pussy Galore, whose real name is even butter than that, GUPPY(!), Ayesha Dharker, who was in something called Split Wide Open, and the last known screen role of Jek Porkins

TFF Thighspotting: the Malk-man himself for a Q & A, and I aint talkin bout a guy who fronts Jicks

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Although probably mo of a Jeepers Worth A Peepers PLUS, I’m gonna give it my golden seal of approval, Breast In Show, although there are no breasts, juss a lot of gay men, but alas, no cock

Freedom’s Fury
No Fries Were Freedomed In The Making of This Movie
Trailer
US Release Date – unknown

This is the best water polo movie of all time, well, 2nd breast, behind the 1898 vlasic Water Polo (if anyone has actually seen it or knows anyone who has seen it and can write a 500 page essay on its impact on terrance farming in the Incan culture, I’ll take you to Wendy’s AND let you choose 5 items off the 99 cent value menu). Let’s be serious for a moment folks. OK, moments up. OK, now it’s question time: Did they ever teach us about post-WWII Hungary, under the iron curtaineded shroud and clout of communist CCCP in AP European History class? OK, answer time: No. Good thing I caught this then, could otherwise I still be famished for Hungarian knowledge (hey, I’m hungry, anyone want to get some bacon wrapped in bacon with me?). Ever heard of ‘the bloodiest game in Olympic history‘? Yeah, me neither. What if I told you that that that that the game in question was water polo, and that that that that water polo game was the semi-final match at the ’56 Summer Games where said Hungry-Men (not unlike former Swenson’s TV dinner pitchman/Man Oh Mann sausages inventor Charles Mann) were playing for more than medal glory when they were pitted against their oppressors, aka the country that gave us the world’s fynest faux-lesbians? Would you be a bit more interested in this fast-in-nating doc?
And maybers in the process become a better, more learneded person? Well, woulds yous? Can I ask anymore questions? Yeah, why do armpits smell but elbows don’t? And why did they cancel Drexell’s Class?

Recommended for those who like: the red dress from S’s List, flags with holes in the middle, and thinking about Mark Spitz’ mustache while he narrates things, like I did during this movie he narrarrrarorrated

Possible Porno Name: AnalFists of Fury

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix rent the VHS tape of Nazi Riefenstahl’s Olympia Pt 1 & 2 [WATCH BOTH PARTS!]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Radio Free Europe’ by REM [live Letterman vid] y ‘Power To The People’ by Lennon/Lennon [d] y ‘Hungary Like The Wolf’ by D² [d]

IMDb Sweeney: I think it’s safe to assume that no other movie co-stars three Belas, more Nagys than at Chuck‘s family reunion, and a few Magyars named after the dude who lives in Val Kilmer and Sarah Jessica Parkers‘s closet (aka Uncle Rico)

TFF Thighspotting: Marie Barone, like I have any cluedo who the fred funk that is

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show, and it has nothing to do with how awful Civic Duty was or how hot Kari Matchett is, who loves pointing at my meat… selection