Thighs Wide Shut

Akeelah and the Bee
Spell On Earth
Trailers

Outta all the modern spelling movies I’ve seen (Spellbound/On Your Knees Season) and filmed entertainments involving the Spelling clan, letter for letter, Akeelah is the grand prize trophy winner of them all, in my mind, and mos importantly, in my heart. Sure, the outcome is a tad predictable (I mean, isn’t a child gunning down all over her classmates with an uzi so passé these days?), but the journey that Akeelah takes from reluctant speller to outright queen of the alphabet had me at ‘can I have the word’s origin, please?‘ I’m a sucker, of and for many things (like large cock lollipops), but hispecially for franztastic heartwarming stories about overcoming odds in the least likely of places. There is not one negative thing I could say about this, cept I was crying so dang much, that I think I lost most of my street cred that day. Everyone involved is the knees forkin BEEs, from our lil hero-ette Akeelah (Keke Palmer), to her feisty mentor (Laurence Fishburne, sportin a killah beard, yo!), to her widowed mother (Angela Bassett), to her rival’s asshole father (Jack Bauer’s wurst nightmare), to even her pal of princes principal, played by the one and only Booger, who’s single-handedly having one the bestest, mos quietest career resurrections since Jesus Christ joined the Steppenwolf Theater Co. ABCee this now!!! You won’t be disappointed. Trust me, or e-a-t s-h-i-t a-n-d d-i-e!!

Recommended for those who like: Crabman, Scrabble (or even Yahoo!’s ghetro version Literati), and movies funded by overpriced disgusting coffee

Possible Porno Name: Akili Smith and Deez Nuts On His Tonsils

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Stand And Deliver [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘No Rain’ by Blind Melon [d] cause of the bee girl in their vid

IMDb Sweeney: Todd Wagner, Mark Cuban‘s producing partner, makes his acting debut here as the Regional Bee assistant judge. And cause I know you wanna know, Mark Cuban has appeared in 2 movies, and THREE episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): do I have to SPELL it out for you? Breast In Show, yo!

until next time, the balcony is clothed…

Sure, we missed the fiesta-tivi-tees-nutz by a week, but it’s never too late to celeBRAte the 20th annie verse airy one of the tres lamestest American things that did a lot of good from ’86 (which occurred a month after the disaster at Chernobyl): the bicoastal-4,125 miled-7 million-peopled human chain, that ran through 17 states, and included the likes of Mary Lou Retton, Coretta Scott King, Mickey Mouse, Rev Billy Graham, Oprah, Prince, Jane Fonda, Kenny Rogers, Brooke Shields, Jerry Seinfeld, and Rappin Ron, aka:

For some reason, unbeknownst to me, my family did not partake. Maybe we were too busy watching Mike Boddicker and the O’s whip up on the Mariners or goin coo-coo for Coco Puffs cause George Brett had his 2,000th hit, or maybe, JUST MAYBE, wees were trying for hours to pronounce the name of newly born António Pinhão Botelho. To this day, I feel like something’s been missing from my life, and this may be it… besides many a H-wood starlets riding my face like it was the Belmont Stakes. So, did any of you participate? If so, did I miss out on anything? Besides the pastability of gettin hand herpes from the person I woulda been linked together with.

Lynxsters for yer sphynxters…

• ABC news looks back
• Many a snap-pulls from the event
• Hands Across America, the VIDEO GAME
which was oddly made 3 years earlier
• Megan, an Akronite who wants to do it again on 7/7/07 at 7pm
• the Ramones’ ‘Hands Across Your Face’ parody
• The Simpsons ref [d]
• and flubvs course, how could we forget the ‘Hands Across America’ theme??? He’s a short clip of the song [d] and here’s one from the music video, which was directed by the same dude who foreva changed a young Stereogum’s life

X-Men: The Last Stand
If Brett Ratner Is Shit, Can We Call Him Shatner?
Trailers

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Seems like X3‘s script was carefully attuned to who was still under contract for future adventures and who was not. And with that in mind, you know a bunch of the biggies are gonna fall, while the smallies would stand tall. Had the biggies (who rival Wendy’s Biggie fries) known that Bryan Singer was goin to leave em hangin with Brett ‘One of the Mos Worthless Jews Who’s Worth A Lot’ Ratner they may have restructured their contracts to end with numero dos. While that opening bitchslap that I juss dee livered may sound like this is the second summer helping of Das BOO, it’s still an entertaining movie. But then again, when has a super hero flick of this decade been completely unwatchable (sans anything involving Ben Affleck or his loved ones)?

So, now that we know some Men-Xers bite the dust, or whatever mutants do, this should make for a mos engaging evening. But alas, even with more shocks than the opening scenes of Shocker [trailer], this movie is more empty than a can of Beefaroni after Isak got to it. And once again this installment falls victim to my main issue with the entire series: THERE ARE WAY TO MANY FRIGGIN CHARACTERS TO KEEP TRACK OFF, even if 1/2 of them are super yummy. But as the biggies begin to drop, we realize that what we’re left with blows more than 94’s Fantastic Four starring the Boy Who Could Fly, but sadly (or is it gladly?) not the Girl Who Is Fly. And don’t even get me started on the dreadful CGI. Shaz looks like it was made on Fisher Price’s My Very First George Lucas Ruins Movies Playset

And regardless of what u’ve been told, staying past the credits is a waste of yer time. Ferris comes out and tells us all to go home. HOW ORIGINAL!!

Recommended for those who like: the long-overspew return of Rosemary Cross, to see Rebecca Romijn as Aeon Flux, and the Araz family matriarch

Possible Porno Name: seX-Men: The Left Hand

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix season 4 of Six Feet Under and watch Ben Foster embody one of the least likeable characters in TV history, Russell Corwin

Apt MPupil3: ‘She’s Like The Wind’ by Patrick Swayze [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Josef Sommer, who plays the Prez, has also played Woodrow Wilson, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and Gerald Ford, and although not a Commander in Chimp, he did invent D.A.R.Y.L.

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Ron Howard shoulda directed this and Ratpoo shoulda takin on Da Vinci, cause it was gonna suck anyways. Anypoo, Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Wearing My Pryde On My Sleeve Cum Rag: I’m with Justin, cept I’d make #3, #1, caus ELLEN ‘TURNS ME ON LIKE I TURN HER’ PAGE!!!

(don’t fret, juss fap, she’s 19)