Thighs Wide Shut

Alex, I’ll take Pop Tarts & Ye Olde Boobies for $200

Lily Allen’s ‘Smile’

Shiz is more basic than the movie Basic. Wad up wit dat Sophie Muller? Savin all yer good vid ideas for Garbage, or perhaps for Shakespear’s Sister‘s 4th album that no one’s waiting for, cept maybe Shakespear’s Sister’s mothers? Could someone please pass Lil-Al Gondry‘s phone #, or at least pa$$ dat shit over here. I think if him, myself, Peabs, and Charlie Kaufdrops were to collaborate, the world would go blind from the resulting amazingnessness!!

Paris Hilton’s ‘Stars Are Blind’

First she rapes the vocal chords of Gweni Stefan, and now she shits on the grave of Herb Ritts, who directed Chris Isaak’s totally JOable ‘Wicked Game’ vid. STROKE THAT PALM TREE, BABY!!

can u say breastest music vid a(sh)long side Madonna’s ‘Vogue’?

I’m sorry, what was I saying? I got hypnothighzed by this operation overload of B&W yammy yam yams!! Juss remember kids, beatin yer meat at yer computer is so 1997, AND the bird is the werd, yo!

THIS JUST IN: we found a short clip of Paris Hilton covering Gnarls Barkley’s ‘Crazy’ [d] with a very very special guest star, who awhiles ago lent his pipes to the greatesteist medley of balls thyme [d], with a lil help from myself and Tom Wellington: the greatest living actor. AHH YEAH DAWG!!!

Looks like someone went to hell and back yesterday…

[UMC]
…take me with you!!

Yes, I finally updated the right side of this site. And yes, Brooklyn Vegan has moved inches away from dethroning the World Beard & Mustache Championships for the top spot in my (lynx) heart (sorry Grambs, but u juss don’t post often enuff to keep atop my ATP rankins, all dough, So Dark The Con Of Vanegas is a klassic with a k, but not as classic as the Kostars(Luscious Jackson side project)’s Klassics with a K)! I mean, I check no site more often than the BV, even if he keeps turning down my offers for free bacon cheeseburgers, and without him, I wouldn’t know which bands I’m going to miss at the Siren Fest cause I’ll be too busy trying to work off dem junk food calories at the batting cages. Besides, praying to the guy who really hates foie gras, u’all should give some love to the new links in the cellar, hispecially my boy and king of thighly contributions, Zach de La Roachlip, who doesn’t care for what’s above, cause he’s all about DEATH FROM BELOW

Keanu, ready for the girl of his Reeves! Woooah!

Any Air news is… AIR NEWS!!!

Fiddler tips us to the trailers for Woody Allen’s 2nd adventure in Britannia and the Wicker Man remake mistake. First off, is there anything the Fiddler hasn’t tipped us to these days? And secondly, I’ll cut off yer johnsons, but not nearly as much as the whole One Day In September/Munich shaz, if you don’t Netflix the original Wicker Man, NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

What’s the bestest thing Brittany Murphy has appeared in since Clueless? Her and Paul Oakenfold’s ‘duet’, ‘Faster Kill Pussycat’ [vid]. Personally, I think Oaky as found the winning recipe for Murphy tolerance: limit her to 3 1/4 minutes of air time!

Korhneiser, talksin bout Ricky Williams’ defection to Canaduh, and what it sez on the ‘plaque’ of the CFL, ‘Give us you tired, you poor, and your whizzinators, and Lazarus‘ So tell me again why aren’t you DVRing the best darn sports show MT EVERwood?

Skeeter, I hearts you like mad (cow disease spread all over Hitler’s mother’s vagina), but if I can’t get thru Horton Hears a Who!, how the hell am I gonna get thru yer 6,079 worded behemoth of a post?

13 Memorably Unpopular Characters From Popular TV

Child Costume: Toilet!

Taking a dump, in FLIPBOOK mode!!

Catputer!!!

Dungeon Escape!!!!

Photographs of Harry Enfield!!!!!

For Sale: Judah Friedlander’s microwave!!!!!!

“Пока смерть не разлучит нас” похоже устарело:) Японские “трупы” женяться (8 фото)!!!!!!!

and triple peace the fork out goes to Space Ghost, the 19th 5th Beatle, and some Egyptian actress!!!!!!!!

But why the Egyptian actress that no one’s ever heard of besides Anwar Sadat, and not say, ump Eric Gregg? Cause a woman with a silly headpiece is always funnier than a fat guy who’s fat. I think it was Robespierre who said that, and that’s why he’s no longer with us. Stoopid racist French pig who was always wearing ROBES!!

Ellen Page + Ben Foster = please kill me now

+ semi-video evidence here @ around 01:47 in

Kitty, if yer reading this, Angel isn’t WORTHy(INGTON) of your time, adorablenessness, and pelvic thrusts

The Heart of the Game
Nuttin But Net
Trailer

Two miraculous things happened right before my very own eyes. The first is that I saw people clapping and rooting loudly at a taped basketball game on film like they were in Vega$ for the NCAA Tourney. The second is that I lived after watching 102 minutes of women’s basketball, which is 9.27272727(repeated) times more minutes than when I watched the Lady Terps triumph over the Duke Rapists, which was the first time I watched women’s b-ball since my Rocket Pride Rocket Power days. That right there should tell you there’s sum-tang quite special about The Heart of the Game, the captivating and truly heartwarming doc about a UW taxation teacher (who could pass for any pudgy bearded teacher with a great dry wit that you may have had), who decides to give high school basketball coaching a try, and the girls who’s lives and figures he shapes over the course of a handful of seasons. While not as epic and stu-pen-dis as Steve James’ slam dunk, it’s still worthy of being dubbed by meself: Hoopette Dreams.

That brief but summationious summary pretty much sums it up, so now I’d like to take the opportunity to pass along a note to any aspiring documentarian, or filmmaker for that splatter: please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please STOP SHOOTING ON Digital Video. Sure, no budget cinema was cool for all of 10 minutes in the mid to late 90’s (see 10 minutes and then some of T Vinterberg’s mid to late 90’s Dogme95-a-thon The Celebration), but enuff already. Slain and pimple, movies shot on DV look like crap, or like a real film that’s been shat upon and then taken to the dry cleaners who try their best but still can’t get the shat upon stains out. Look, I know film stock is eggspensive as hellz, but it’s worth it. So do whatever you have to do, sell yer dad’s sperm, yer mum’s eggs, and yer brother’s worthless unopened boxes of 1990’s Pro Set NFL cards, but stop torturing my eyes. Plus, film is forever, and digital video is fornever, or maybe even for Fenella Woolgar

Recommended for those who like: Christopher Brian Bridges‘ vox, Jimi Hendrix and Quincy Jones’ high school, and the second ever female Harlem Globetrotter

Possible Porno Name: I Heart-On Your Gams and Yams

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix last year’s DV wunderkind Murderball [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Eye of the Tiger’ by Survivor [d]

IMDb Sweeney: someone by the name of The Angel not only scored this film, but also worked some of dat magic for Boiler Room (REMEMBER THE MUSIC??? neither do I). Anywho, I have the feeling that she may be related to Drexl Spivey, but then again, I’ve been known to make mistakes, from time to time

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): A doc that works = Breast In Show

Opens this Friday in NY/LA, and elsewhere whenever LOSERS

until next time, the balcony is clothed…

Dude: Starls Barkley!!

No man is an island: and no woman is as fine as SB Cohen’s fiancée Isla Fisher

all the above + Borat and much mo when the pointless MTV Movie Awards airs (taped) this Thursday

Ass promised: Lily Allen‘s cover of the Kaiser Chiefs’ ‘Oh My Gawd’ [d]

Joining Tom Carvel in that peace the fork out pie in the sky: Mr Mister Softee

Edgar Stiles will never go outta style: the EGGSclusive promo to his Life’s A Pizza flick AND a soon to be dad AND husband (wait, are they both preggers?)!!

Battle of the funny commmmmences this fall between the Borat movie and: Jackass: Number Two [For Hires Root Beer]

More irony than reading T-K Stack Money’s Pumping Irony while ironing a box of Total cereal: Jeffery Maier joining the Orioles?

Brothers gonna work it out: the Weinsteins in talks to take on Gorillaz movie. Don’t be sirprized if their muse Gwyny pops up in there somewhere

Decline of Western Civilization Part MIXLIX: Video games push for Olympic recognition [Marwanicur]

Oh, so that’s what that is: Sometimes I’m a bit behind on things. This go around I owe it to the fact that I rarely watch the Grammy’s Lame-y’s or listen to anything by Linkin Park (ok, anything besides ‘The End’ [d]). But I may have changed my tune as my ears have been glued to dat Jay-Z/Linkin Park mash-up ‘Numb/Encore’ [d | WMvid] ever since I fingered out dat dat is the song featured on dem Miami Vice trailers. Jan Hammer [d] who? Btw, I’m totally jazzed for this flick. I think it has mad po-tense-hole, hispecially with CH on board, who’ll also be seen in Noah Baumbach’s 2007 joint

Corky‘s #1 Fan: Mischa Barton’s mum

And cause you probably didn’t click on that Corky link above: Life Goes On‘s Chris Burke has a band, and yes, they’re touring. And yes, I have already marked 9/17 on my calendar. And yes, I’m not joking cause CORKY RULESS!!!

Sarah McLachlan’s music saves lives: see Darryl ‘DMC’ McDaniels‘ for proof. The two even dueted on DMC’s ‘Cats In The Cradle’ remake ‘Just Like Me’ [vid]

Dry your sweat, mate: Mike Skinner, aka the world’s effin greatest artist that’s a year younger than me, signs up for the NY Marathon

Is it football season yet?: No, but it’s almos futbol season!! And if yer an American rooting for some other country, go eat Hedwig’s dick and die die die! You Talibanistical jerknuts!!

[Muse of Hoax]
More shocking than Jeremy Shockey: Methinks I have unraveled the ‘inspiration’ for the American Idol theme song [d]. Listen to it 1st, and then listen to the guitar and crowd cheering at around 1:26 on the Utah Saint‘s ‘Something Good’ [d], featuring Kate Bush. Hmm, guess nothing about that show is original

Page still sexier than Ellen: 3 [NSFW]

The ‘IT’ Boy: Gregory Itzin/President Logan and his EPIC 24 poem (a muss click for ANY 24 fan)

Future yumscrubber: Camilla Belle Jr?

A reason to go all 88mph and shit again: the sorta rebirth of the DeLorean Motor Company! For even more DeLorean love, visit Tamir’s pre-shmear site!

Hold yer horses & hormones: ‘Lesley Ann Warren takes HRT‘

Can’t decide what to stare at more: Christina Ricci‘s boobs or mouse ears

Bruce Wayne waxed: Jill St John?

Insert middle-school Asian kid joke here: The Nerd Watch Museum

Where to fill yer Rated Rookie jones’n: The Baseball Card Blog

Cecil is dope: Who invented tampons? & Is some candy coated with beetle juice? & Why do you always see just one shoe by the side of the road?

Why bother with TV’s summer line-(d)u(m)p when there’s: TV In Japan

King Henry Died Monday Drinking Chocolate Milk: English ‘Johnny’ mnemonics

Yes it does: BluRaySucks.com

LOL name that a PR firm mistakenly thought yers drooly went by when they contacted me: John Stosseled

Spanking of those who stoss-ss-ss-le: Famous People Who Stutter, and where sum of dem found help, like Darth Vader and Xander

Somewhere Darwin’s smiling at this way for the fit ladies to survive: How to Make a Plastic Bag Bra

The Thigh Master’s latest non-endorsements: Lies Wide Shut & the Thigh Master [kindaish NSFW?]

I no that known of you click the links that hide beneath the Photochop Phryday mastercheeses, so: Rate My Poo [NSFW]

STOP THE PEREZES: PARIS HILTON SONG LEAKED (and for a shitty lil pop numba, it’s really not THAT bad, and I even kinda dig the Wendy Carlosish Clockwork Orangeee opening), and…

and who gives a flyin fjord who wins and who loses in women’s tennis, juss as long as the hotties keep sproutin up. Say hello to my new lil Slovakian friend whom I’d love to slowfcukin’in all night shlong, Daniela Hantuchova

+ meat my new hero: a San Franciscan boy has until Friday to raise 7k+ in order to land a date with chavilicious Lady Sov, who recently agreed to take part in this geniusessness of internetsing, but if and only if all the money is raised and spent like so

Lady Sovereign – ‘Cha Ching’ (cheque 1-2 remix) [d]