Thighs Wide Shut

Biggest event in the world or not, no game should be decided on penalty kicks, unless Scott Norwood is somehow involved

[Zenic | Grappy | YTMND/Ajamu Stoner Fan #1]

see you in the Orange Free State/Transvaal in 2010

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
I Was Saying Buoy-Urns
Trailers

Memo to Hollywurst:

Please stop excreting on all things succeeding, like a kick from Nate Kaeding, and the once promising Pirates franchise that’s now more fleeting than playing Yes & Know’s Fleet in a Fleet Bank during Fleet Week. Sequels should be banned in all 48 continental states unless it’s really worth continuing the story, or at least what we in the industry like to call ‘entertaining’. Are we a better species for having such rehash poo on a stick in eggsistance as The Legend of Zorro, Bring It On Again, Son of the Mask, 7 Fast, 7 Furious (although I’m still dying to see 3 Fast, 3 Furious), and Even Crazier/Even More Beautifullerier? Me thinks don’t so! We can now safely add Pirates 2 to the don’t waste your mime and toney list. Waste it instead on Darfur, or it’s worthy sequel, Darfur 2: Darfur On The Rocks. What more can I say about a sequel that’s juss one giant bag of blah? I dunno, but maybe we can do one of those funny math review thingies I pull out every once in awhile…

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest =

Pirates of the Caribbean:
The Curse of the Black Pearl

aka the super fun movie based
off a ride that no one ever rode

–

its Good Humor

dat has been replaced with no humor

+

Star Wars‘s’es
slimy bizatches

aka
Quarren
or
‘Squid Heads’

+

1/14th of the Pride & Prejudice cast

but sadly no Mulligan

+

more generic seamen

than a McAllister family reunion

+

Double Dare‘s

1 Ton Human Hamster Wheel obstacle

+

the deleted scened octopus
from the Goonies

that even ate Cyndi Lauper

+

big bad voodoo (daddy) advice

from Miss Cleo‘s ancestors

+

all the underwater Final Fantasy baddies

that made me lose sleep in my teens

+

Stellan Skarsgård

but not Peter Sarsgaard

+

all you can eat seafood

that’s more rancid than the band Rancid

+

Micky Dolenz’sz pal’s

locker (bee, scotland)

+

(what pretty much
sums up the whole movie)

The Nothing

from Die Unendliche Geschichte

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): I’m probably being too harsh, but you muss not fall victim, so, Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

until next time, the balcony is clothed…

GO FRANCE?
& anything that gives me a Hardenne!
(that’s Belgian for ‘hard-on’)

A Scanner Darkly
The Real Pic-Czar
Trailer

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If Sin City was last year’s udderly franztatsic visually arresting eye orgasm of a movie, than A Scanner Darkly is mos def 2006’s. And although Sin was perfect from far, it was still a muss see, which is the case with Scanner. But before you invest yer rhyme and synergy, ask yoself, self, did I dig on Richie Linklater’s Dizzy Deanish talk-a-thon Waking Life? Like White Castle hamburgers, there are only two answers, yes or no, cause there aint no middle ground. So you were either mesmerized by it, or wanted to be all sick like Alex DeLarge being strapped down, viddying the unspeakable. So, if you felt a bit droogish by that eggspeareance, stay home and get a life. But if you fell under the spell, dig in, you forking drug addict.

A Scanner Darkly is another paranoid path carved out by the great Philip K Dick (Blade Runner, Total Recall, etc), yet it seems the least futuristic outta any of his stories brought to the big screen. This tale is more of a parable about drugs and society, for any day and age. The Dick-man had lost many friends to drugs, so he conjured this up as a way to preserve their memory, and to let those who live be aware of the dangers. While not all together straight-forward and coherent, which perfectly fits the brain activity of our protagonist NARC, one can’t help but being wowed at what’s going on on-screen. It’s like going to an animated art museum, sponsored by Adobe Photoshop’s filter pull-down menu. Hell, if they filmed 6 hours of a fruit bowl in that digital rotoscoping shaz, I’d still pay to see it. Luckily, the fruit bowl sits out this go around, and lets the digital scenery be chewed up by such bestness as Keanu Reeves, Robert Downey Jr, Woody Harrelson, Slater from Dazed & Confused, and Winona Ryder, who has now replaced Harley Quinn, as the world’s sexiest digital entity that I want to penetrate. Ones and 0-HHH SSNAPPs!!!

The irony of it all is that this anti-drug film would best be enjoyed under the influence of drugs. Gawd bless America, and the fact that Linklater did this, and not School of Rock 2… yet!

Recommended for those who like: Ralph Bakshi, US patent #6061462, and dem Charles Schwab ads [via Seoul Brother #1]

Possible Porno Name: Jamming A Banana-er In Lark Voorhies‘ Lee Jeans

Unsatisfied with this? get yer OG rotoscoping jazzum on and Netflix Yellow Submarine [Trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘She Came in Through the Bathroom Window (rehearsal versh)’ by The Beatles (hey, who doesn’t love a don onslaught of Beatles refs?) [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Yes, the dude playing the Street Prophet, Alex Jones, was also the dude in Waking Life spouting mad isms from the PA system in his car

Next Up For A Philip K Dick Adaptation: Next, starring Nic Cage, Julianne Moore, and J Biel

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show, by a nose, and by the animated boobs one gets to see

until next time the balcony is clothed…

Don’t know how I missed this one, but I hear Rush Limbaugh will play Mary Lynn Rajskub(aka Chloe)’s cherry poppin’ sugar daddy turned Viagra poppin’ bioterrorist on next season’s 24