Thighs Wide Shut

13 (Tzameti)
A Lot Luckier (And Better) Than Slevin
Trailers (don’t watch, for full appreciation)

There’s nothing quite like the feeling of seeing a director’s full length feature debut that wows me so much that I’d vow right then and there to see everything they make going forward, regardless if it’s actually good or not. While you’d think that many of today’s up and comers would fall under that category (David Fincher, Mathieu Kassovitz, Bryan Singer, Danny Boyle, and Quentin Tarantino), they IMDbly don’t cause the movies that won me over were usually their second trip out (Se7en, La Haine, The Usual Suspects, Trainspotting, and Resvoir Dogs respectively). Come to think of it, there’s only one name that pops into my mind that falls into this wow and vowdom: Darren Aronofsky, after being udderly and completely entranced by his slice of the Pi. Well, I like to officially welcome the France residing Georgian (as in vodka, not peach) expatriate director, whose probably not soon to be a household name, Géla Babluani (son of Temur) into the brethren, after viddying his stark, but brilliant brilliant brilliant noirish debut 13 (Tzameti). I saw it two weeks ago and I’m still thinking about it today. To purge the plot details would ruin half the fun, so lemme try to put it as simply as possible: if The Deer Hunter was an appetizer for the cinematic world of Russian roulette then 13 (Tzameti) is the main course + desserts + a free hand job from the waitress. But I muss warn you, if you can’t deal with French black & white movies, eat a dick, cause you’ll miss out on one of the bestest flicks I’ve seen this year, well, at least one notch below the jizzum jazzdum that is Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s HOTTTttt

Recommended for those who like: the French Larry Miller, the French Richard Chamberlain, and the French Non from Superman

Possible Porno Name: 69 (All Sweaty)

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Lilja 4-Ever [Trailer] , starring the mos deliscumptious Оксана Акиньшина

Apt MPupil3: ‘How I Could Just Kill A Man’ Cypress Hill cover by country folksters Battlestar America [d from their site]

IMDb Sweeney/America, F&ck No!!!: is there anything holy? The American remake of 13 (Tzameti) is set for 2008. Supposedly (and spankfully) it will be helmed by Géla Babluani [Dark Ho]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show, and you’ll think so too you breast groper!

until next time the balcony is clothed…

pee es – schlappy 78th B-day Kubrick, my lord and shaver. I promise to do u right next year… if there’s still a Thighs that needs Wide Shutting, schlobvs course!

Little Miss Sunshine
Ray of Light & Dark
Trailers

If Todd Solondz and Steven Nerderbergh had a bespectacled lovechild it would probably be right at home directing this poor man’s independent version of a Griswold road trip from hell, complete with car problems, money problems, and the dreaded query of what to do when a loved one passes on when passing through. Too bad the characters of Little Miss Sunshine aren’t having as much fun as Clark W & Co, cause their dysfunction kinda takes away from the flimsy plot it’s desperately trying to motor along on. Although the sextet esemble is quite thumcredible (Steve Carell, Alan Arkin, Toni Collette, Greg Kinnear, Paul Dano, and the beyond adorable-domed Abigail Breslin), the characters they portray are too darn self-absorbed to even be in the same movie, let alone the same Volkswagen van. Co-directed by husband and wife music vid veterans Valerie Faris and Jonathan Dayton (the mos brills S Pumpkins’ ‘Tonight, Tonight’ [vid] & RHCP’s ‘By The Way’ [vid]), Sunshine is nothing more than an frivolous exercise in trying to be cool filmmaking. It’s pretty much a bunch of nothing stitched together by a series of misfortunes that would even give Greg Focker a bit o’ confidence. And where does it lead us? To some creepy kiddie beauty pageant (which reminds me how uncomfortable Jon Benet Ramsey and her nutty family made me feel) where the youngest does her best to top Napoleon Dynamite’s sweet dance moves. I know the above is bit on the negative Nelly side, but there are plenty laffs to be had, hispecially for you plebeians. Hell, it’s the best use of Carell’s talent on screen since, well, ever! I know, I know, you think The 40 Year-Old Virgin [review] is the greatest thing since sliced Bobbit penis [kinda NSFW?], but I’m so darn funny, it’s hard for any movie to make me laff. WHY GAWD, WHY? Couldn’t u make me good at something else, like masturbating breakdancing?

Recommended for those who like: bit parts for Chloe, McDonalds drinking glasses, and the commitment doubter for Sparkle Motion

Possible Porno Name: Little Miss Lick Me Where The Sun Don’t Shine

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix any of the Griswold misadventures or Hairspray [Trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘We’re On A Road To Nowhere’ by The Talking Heads [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Matt Winston, who plays one of the bestest screen emcees in recent memory, is son of make-up and special effects wizard Stan (A.I., T2, etc). Also, writer Michael Arndt‘s only other screen credit is being Matthew Broderick’s assistant on the shoot of ’97’s Addicted to Love

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): I struggled long and hard on this one, but ultimately, it’s not that memorable, so Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

until next time the balcony is clothed…

a far ways away from Are We There Yet?: Ice Cube, the next pimp behind the Gorillaz wheel? Speaking of the next album, are we there yet?

it’s hard to stay alive when u loathe surnames: Mako peaces the fudgie the whale out

soon to be Don’tUseMyComputer.com: donate now biznicheszz!!

three words for Cuthslpurt: sassy, modest, and 69(0)

the reason Gawd invented H₂0: Darren Aronofsky’s The Fountain

speaks the truth ruth: Orrin Hatch, natch!

way to save D Housewhores from The Nothing: sign Falkor’s sister up

Michael Jackson loses again: The Streets to release 20 minute Guinness World Record breakin music vid

the story behind those gravity-defying breasts: NSFKeeley

things to do in ’07 besides yer mother: figure out how to fly into Preston, Idaho, which is home to the Napoleon Dynamite Festival [Teen Wolff]

question I really needed answered cause I need to know how dirty my a$$ is for including her in the 1st edish of The Fap Five: how old is Emma Rigby who plays Hannah Ashworth in hollyoaks?

Chowdaheads turns 1: and the fun has juss beguns!

bestest internerd use of a Star Trek 4 ref: DoubleDumbAsOnYou.com

never get lost on the way to the Texas Cheesecake Depository again: Guide To Springfield USA [My Man Marvkus]

the truth can now be told about the yak population in Lake Lillian, Minnesota: Why are rebate checks drawn on obscure banks in the middle of nowhere?

they get their game on, yet no game for the gamiest game movie of balls thyme The Wizard?: The Electric Playground

Famicom-edy: this dude and his collection of 10,000 to 15,000 Nintendo thingies

juss in case you didn’t f&cking see it: The Big Lebowski – F&cking Short Version

potty mouthed: animated tigers teach yer kids how to poo!

NSFW: milk & cookies dookies

and

[tracklisting & full NSFWness here]