Thighs Wide Shut

May the modern porn ‘stache campaign never end

Got Sasha Cohen Camel Toe?
Yeah, we mos certainly do!

‘Nights In White Satin’ by the Moody Blues [d]
Blur’s ‘Coffee & TV’ video

There are few things I heart more than professional fooball. And since you didn’t ask, I’ll tell you what dem those few things be: fried chicken, Meg White’s bazongas, anything Stanley Kubrick, and a good ole HJ followed by an even better ole BJ. Now that we’ve established that, we can get on with our 1st pee view into the upcuming season of the NFL and some fantasy jounks to follow…

NFC East

More like NFC Best, or would NFC Beast be a better moniker? Top to bottom, the finest division, once again, in football (may rival the AL East as breastestiest divish is the werld!). Although many like the Eagles as a sleeper (they probably saw Invincible one too many times), I don’t see the Super Bowl winless Cheesesteakheads finishing anywhere butter than 3rd place. The loss of TO is huge, hispecially since his replacements are people you wouldn’t even pick in gym class. Well what about Donte’ Stallworth? More like Donte’ StallworthLESS(than Zero Mostel)!! It’ll be a dog fight betwixt the Skins, the Cowgirls, and the Giants til week 17. Since the ‘Girls get to play ‘Zona and the other two don’t, they may end up atop of the East. Despite the Skins’ lack of O (Randle El will be the QB by week 4) and my loathe of the other two, I actually like all three to make the playoffs, which almost happened last year.

NFC North

More like NFC Zzzzzzzzzz. Ever since TB got the boot from this division, it’s been more poop than Todd Van Poppel’s Score ’91 b-ball card. The Vikes are the Bears’ only competition, as the Packers and Lions are about as lame as Lane Meyer’s attempt at suicide, and that’s not really saying much. If anyone really youthinks the boys in Purple, with their pointless new jerseys (not to be confused with the pointless state of New Jersey) and whorrible mustiachioed coach, can win more than 8 games, I think you should tattoo Zygi Wilf on yer grundle. And Bearskis, even though yer a lock for the #2 spot in the NFC, don’t waste yer time drummin up another Super Bowl Shuffle, although I’d love to see a remake of the Grabowski… whatever the fork that was

NFC South

More like NFC ralph, er, um, whatever. The South, like Jimmy Hart‘s mouth, will no doubt make a bunch of noise this season, as they are undizzley the 2nd breastest division in the NFC. We’d all love to see Reggie Bush turn the ‘aints back into the Saints, but that’s probably a year or two away from happening. Vick blows goats and I don’t really trust Chris Simms’ ability as a starting QB either. I mean the dude looks like a Jake Busey clone gone bad and the only thing JB is good for is dental hygiene and destroying the Tom Skerritt space transporter in Contact. So that leaves the no-brainerness of the Panthers. He Hate Me or not, there’s a lot to love about their chances this year.

NFC West

More like NFC meh. I don’t care what moves ‘Zona made this offseason, they’re still the Cardinals and they still stink wurster than Pigpen licking microwaved tunafish off of Yancey Thigpen‘s monobrow. I’m hactually sirprized the NFL decided to let the Cards and the 49ers play any of their games in the US this year. They both should have been left in Mexico with Ron, even if the ‘fans’ have no clue what’s going on, they’d at least have some sort of support. The Rams, who really should be the Cardinals, are a mess, so the division is the Seacocks’ to lose. And if I still had my virginity, I wish it could be lost on any of the Sea Gals!

Seeds:
#1 Seahawks
#2 Bears
#3 Panthers
#4 Cowboys
#5 Redskins
#6 Giants

NFC Champs: Seahawks

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Me loves: Edgerrin James, Terry Glenn, Chris Cooley, Neil Rackers, Jason Witten, the Seahawks D, Roddy White, Joe Horn, and of all people Keyshawn Johnson

Me hates: anyone on Detroit, the Redskins’ O, Kurt Warner, Vick, any RBBC (Running Back By Comittee) situtation, the Bears’ and the Bucs’ WRs, LJ Smith, and Mike Vanderjagt

Don’t sleep on these sleepers: Mike Nugent, Greg Jennings, Joe Klopfenstein, Brad Johnson, Samkon Gado & Marion Barber (both Green and Jones will go down), the Vikings’ D, and Woody Allen’s Sleeper

pee es – since Kornheiser writes for the Post about once every 13 leap years, the funniest person on staff has gots to be Dan Steinberg (of ‘Starting Lineup‘ fame). Well, dude’s gotsa blog now, and tits gonna be mad hotttttt, so best to keep an eye and a thigh on that shaz!

Peace The Croc Out
Stephen Robert ‘Steve’ Irwin

1962 – 2006
eat: Chocodiles
video: Mr Irwin sacrifices child
audio: Chilly Willy The Penguin Theme Song [d]
only choice to star in a biopic: Simon Baker
Atari 2600ness: Jungle Hunt or Pitfall!
buy: Fear the Crocodile Tee
Netflix: Crocodile Dundee [TV Spot] or The Paul Hogan Show [McSoldier skit]
Wha?: Jacko hearts Energizer batteries
Surely You Can’t Be Serious: I am serious, YAHOO Serious!

+ bonus PTFO to the last living star of the Zapruder film!
+ bonus Holla Back The Spoon In to the Scream painting!

GO LAST WEEKEND W/O NFL FOOBALL TIL FEBUDREARY!
+ bonus b-day wishes to The Thinker for hittin the big 3-0

Dude, I think I’m in 40-love with the US Open. Fo the first time mt everest I took the John Rocker 7 train to Willets Point and my final destination was NOT Chez Ghetto Shea Stadium. Instead I walked the opposite way to a wet dream pairAdice filled with sweaty women in colorful tight outfits: The USTA National Tennis Center. The early rounds are apparently where tits at, cause good playas play on small arsed courts. Spankfully, due to rain delays and your mother, my true game, set, snatcher, Daniela Hantuchova played on such a court. I was cheering her on like mad, and so much so that after a key point she won, she briefly turned and looked at me. Lettuce juss say that no Maytag in the world could eva wash the Ken Burns’ jazz that stained my CKs. Too bad she won’t be headed to the Lizadies Final, cause that’s the next and last event me gots a ticket to. I guess Sharapova will do. Someone peas remind me to wear sum extra padding that night (methinks 5 pairs of Underoos, 10 Depends, and 20 rolls of Saran Wrap will do the trick), unless duhvs course Kim Clijijisjisstejsisters is playing… with herself!