Thighs Wide Shut

Sorry kids, but yer Master of Thighs is too effin busy being hypnotized by Merton Hanks’ giraffe neck to flazzum 4 mo photochops this week. Shiz takes forever, and ever for, is not what I is have. Cheer up, cause yer mom gives the best HJs around!

GO HAIL SKINS!
(and the Thinker for the Merton linker)!

You hearted the NFC preview so much that yer boners tore thru every pair of Under Armor under garments in yer drawers (pun sorta intended), right? Lucky you, I cobbled together an AFC preview on the very day that the season commences. Lucky me that Just My Luck is now available on DVD, as it will soon be headed for the dreaded bargain bin, which will then fill my need for new drink coasters for the homestead!

AFC East

There’s juss sum tang about this division that bores me more than Hebrew school. It’s filled with nuttin but perennial losers, sans the Patsies, all dough the Pats are losers in a different way cause the abandoned Pat the Patriot for Pat the Super Future Shiny Patriot. At least they had the foresight to not use Mel Gibson‘s Patriot. YUCK. If Brady and Belichick are still running the show, they’ll keep winning the division. And while people are all up on the Dolphins’ chances, I’m still not 800% sold on a ‘healthy’ Culpeps and Ronnie Brown as their sole running back, cause ya never know, he could go up in smoke like Cheech & Bong> and end up playing for the Amsterdam Admirals

AFC North

This divish is the eggzect opposite of the AFC East. I honeslty would lock myself in a closest and watch nuttin but ten billion games between these 4 teams, even if two of them are technically the Cleveland Browns. There’s so much hate, and so many cool a$$ color schemes nick goings on here. Sure, the Ravens would never win the approval of Michael Kors, but you gotta give props to a team named after an Edgar Allen Poem. Is it too late to name their stadium The Pit and the Pendulum? Despite the ultimate bestness of having their logo appear on only one side of their helmets, the Danielle Steeles are no lock for the division crown, as Big Ben is in talks with the Knievel family about starring in a biopic about Evel. The Bengals, with Kitty Kitna gone to Dumptown, are one knee injury away from being the Anthony Wright squad (not to be confused with IU’s Wright Quad), which is juss so Anthony Wrong. That leaves the fake Browns and the real Browns to duke it out for divison crown and browndom. If you can’t figure out which one is the real one and which is the fake one, then you gotta go to Mo’s (Death Watch)!

AFC South

I think the Colts should build four zillion houses for the dude who decided to put the Texas Toastens, JagOffs, and Titan AEs in their division. That’s purty much 5-6 wins guaranteed for them each year for the foreseeable future. OK, so the Jags aint that bad, but they lasted about as long in the playoffs last year as Judge Reinhold did spanking to Phoebe Cates [NSFW]. The other two teams aren’t even worth talking about, so if I were the Colts, start learning the lyrics to ‘Bye Bye Bye’ and plan on taking a lil family vacation during the first week of the playoffs

AFC West

Too many off season moves and changes = too many a question marks for der Chefs (they’d been better off with John Edward summoning Barry Word than lettin Herm Edwards coach), the Chargers (seriously, who the fork is Philip Rivers?), and der Raiders (they shoulda invested in Magic Shell, not Art). And tit aint gonna help the Chiefs none with a cheerleading squad as bunk as theirs (the Raiderettes aint so fine either, see above snap). That leaves the Broncos (whose c-leaders are a distant 2nd to the Charger Girls) to clean house in those super ooogly unies they’ve been sportin since the ’97. Yetty, how could one hate on a team with two Bells at running back? If the Mile High Clubber(Lang)s should open a Taco Bell in their stadium and rock halftime shows with Camilla Belle stripping at the fity yard line, I could easily kiss my burgundy & gold allegiance g-bye for good.

Seeds:
#1 Colts
#2 Broncos
#3 Pats
#4 Ravens
#5 Steelers
#6 Dolphins

AFC Champs: Colts

Super Bowl Winner: Colts

Fantasy Outlook AFC Shazz

Me loves: Colts everything, Reuben Droughns, Lee Evans, T Gonz with a moster return to form, and the Pats D (look at their schedule, they play poop on a stick!)

Me hates: KC WRs, Lamont Jordan, Steve McNair, Vinatieri, and Matt Jones

Don’t sleep on these sleepers: Nate Kaeding, Kellen Winslow, whoever wins that Texans starting RB gig, Steve McNair, Laveranuesnesses Coles, and peas do sleep on Sleepers, which Gulf of Sonkin took a girl to see on what has gots to be the single wurstest 1st date mt everest!!

Jennifer Connelly

Kelly LeBrock

Molly Ringwald

Alisan Porter

Lea Thompson & Mary Stuart Masterson

much respek
to
Sloane Peterson
(whose already been fapped to)
Cammie/girl who is fly
Ellen Griswold
Audrey Griswold the I
the girl in the Ferrari/pool waitress
who drives Clark W Griz crazy
the She of ‘s Having A Baby
Mrs Mr Mom
Hilly
Billie Bird
and NOT JC

+ one bonus fap for der ladies
(and me)

James Spader

alternative posting titles:
Fap Alone 2: Lost In New York
Career Faportunities
She’s Fapping A Baby
Planes, Trains & Fapmobiles
Some Kind of Fappable
Ferris Bueller’s Fap Off
Sixteen Faps
National Fap-poon’s Vacation

starring Lindsay Upskirt Sans Panties Firecrotch Taco Ring Her Tatum/Mike Bell Lohag/Lohan The I!!

[shaven heaven via the NSFW Father of Step]
she’s almost as classy as Shirley Bassey giving Freddie Blassie a glass bottom boat!

The Illusionist
Eat Yer Fart Out Doug Henning
Trailer

Tis about butt stankin time somone cast Jessica Biel in a real motion picture. I mean her only worthwhile credit before this was striking gold with the much honored, much snoozerificness of Ulee. In between the two it’s been nuttin but dreck (Stealth [TWS review]) upon dreck (Summer Catch) upon dreck (Blade: Trinity). I wouldn’ta been sirprized if her next project was called Dreck The Halls With Balls of Biel. Yet being cast in a real movie doesn’t always translate into a breakout performance, as is the case here with The Illusionist. Although Biel’s Sophie is a major character and plot point of the movie, she doesn’t have much to do besides smile and occasionally wear a dope a$$ satin red cloak. Hell, if they’re gonna give her lil to nothing to do, she should at least be in those scenes with lil to nothing on! Maybe her break out (or bustin out… of clothing) will take hold with her Next project (pun mos def intended, jerk!).

The lack of Biel meat is just one aspect as to why The Illusionist is merely entertaining, and not a thumcredible piece of cinema. The story about a traveling magician (a very hairy Edward Norton) who wows every audience eggcept that of the crown prince of Austria (bestest screen arsehole/poor man’s Jude Law, Rufus Sewell) doesn’t eggzactly wow us either. If they didn’t throw in that whatever twist at the end, I probably woulda picked up garbage from the theater’s floor and flung it at the screen. I don’t really understand why The Illusionist didn’t live up to it’s potential. How could they not pull a Ulee with a bearded up Paul Giamatti emoting his motes in front of one of the year’s finest set designs mees has seen? I dunno. Maybe it was all an illusion!!!

Recommended for those who like: David Brent’s training day facilitator from Episode 4, the Handlebar Club, and the kickin clothes of the Five Chinese Brothers

Possible Porno Name: The Ill Na Na-usionist

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix director Neil Burger’s udderly fascinating first feature Interview with the Assassin [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Abracadabra’ by The Steve Miller Band [d]

IMDb Sweeney: in the span of 4 years, character actor/THAT GUY Eddie Marsan has worked with Mike Leigh, Terrence Malick, Alejandro González Iñárritu, Michael Mann, and Martin Scorsese. Eggspect the Man from Mars to show up in even more hotness for years to come

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

until next time the balcony is clothed…