Thighs Wide Shut

While certainly no back alley abortion with wire hangers covered in Crisco, the Redskins (from here on out shall be known as the Deadskins) basically gave the Colts the NFL equiv of a homecoming game, right before my very own thighs. It was truly deeply madly a tale of two halves. The first was a thing of fragile beauty, capped by that Antwaan Randle El punt return for a TD. Unfortch the second half was a tale more worthless than An American Tail 2: Fievel Goes West. If only the Deadskins had the talent and soul of a James Ingram and Linda Ronstadt duet (‘Somewhere Out There‘ [d]). But to be purrfectly honest, the Skins weren’t the stankiest stank of the weekend. That honor belongs to my arse, who on Saturday night, in a five hour span, dished out 26+ (not even jokin) room clearing farts. And how did my bowels make such a movement? The state of Indiana is not only filled with an overlode of bumble fork white folk and super hottie blond chicks, but enuff ranch dipping sauce to feed every third, fourth, and fifth world country. Ithinks I ingested more ranch sauce than I did alcohol at my ye olde university stompin grounds. Thinks? Meknows! And while I was beyond amused by my own odors, others were not. My gay lover Marwanicure was there to witness the disfitness and described said ass air poofs to a (far)T:

– cream cheese thats been left out of the fridge….for 16 years

– someone slaughtered a horse and then let the meat sit in the sweltering sun for 40 days

– a rotten egg that was eaten and then crapped out by a homeless guy

– roast beef that had been dipped in giraffe vomit

– tuna fish that was eaten, puked up, and then farted on by a dog

Gawd bless America, and the gluish substance that they call ‘ranch sauce’ that made a pooish substance in my pants, from the finiestest za establishment that dontsesnt nathan hail from NYC, Chi-town, STL, Ledo’s, or Italy: Pizza Express, which should be confused with its Indy offshoot that has the bestest use of ‘box’ double entendres: Hot Box Pizza (all dough sadly none are mentioned on their url)

and while you imagine what my ass smelled like, I leave yous with this pic of an IU building sign that someone graffitied with what everyone tallways thinks of when they see it…

the city of Scranton hearts The Office, even if Jim has been the only one to have actually visited

and Borat…

visits Germany’s TV Total show

chats with Jon Stewart

visits Amsterdam

and their prostitutes

drops in on Holland TV’s Jensen!, Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

crosses the Mexican-American border (deleted scene)

and is invited to visit Kazakhstan!

this will never get old
even if the shlong remains the same

I’m off to Bloomington/RCA Dome
for it’s do or thigh time for our beloved Skins

GO CARDS/END OF BASEBALLS!

Ellen Lewis Herndon Arthur

Eleanor Rosalynn Smith Carter

Jane Means Appleton Pierce

Edith Kermit Carow Roosevelt

Laura Lane Welch Bush

Frances Clara Folsom Cleveland Preston

Abigail Smith Adams

Sarah Childress Polk

Jacqueline Lee Bouvier Kennedy Onassis

Hannah Hoes Van Buren

Martha Dandridge Custis Washington

Anne Frances ‘Nancy’ Robbins Davis Reagan

Letitia Christian Tyler

Dolley Payne Todd Madison

Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton

Elizabeth Kortright Monroe

Helen ‘Nellie’ Herron Taft

Sarah Jane Mayfield Fulks
Durrell Futterman Wyman Reagan Karger

Alice Hathaway Lee Roosevelt

Margaret ‘Peggy’ Mackall Smith Taylor

Mamie Geneva Doud Eisenhower

Running With Scissors
Running On Empty
Trailer

Augusten Burroughs‘ NY Times breast sellin memoir of the same name muss be a purty darn great read, cause the movie that it inspired surely aint great viewing. Don’t really know what got lost in the translation, but it seems as if the filmmakers were too caught up in stylizng it to the nines to deliver anything of substance (for 1nce substance abuse woulda been a good thing!). In what shoulda been a harrowing and deeply emotional examination of Burroughs’ teen years (he basically was abandoned by his beyond narcissistic mother and forced to live with her beyond bananas shrink and his beyond the valley of the dolls family) is juss a bunch of cute movie fragments strewn together with a blaring ’70s soundtrack, which seems to have been cobbled together from the C-list leftovers that Cameron Crowe didn’t use for Almost Famous. The top notch cast (Benning, Baldwin, Paltrow, the OG Hannibal Lecter, that slut-in training from Thirteen, the faux ye olde Diane Keaton, fab Gab Union, and Joe Fiennes doin his bestest Scott Stapp doppelgänger thang complete with porn mustache) have little to do here but overact in groovy threads and hipper than thou sets. In a nutshell silverstein this one coulda been contender, but ended up playing like The Unroyal Tenenbaums. If I wanted to watch a 5th rate Wes Anderson movie I shoulda juss stayed home and suffered thru The Life Aquatic again. [SPOIL HER ALERT] If one scene could sum how liz-ame this flick churned out to be, it would be the final one, where the screen and real life Augusten share a smile

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix a more functional tale of dysfunction, Ang Lee’s The Ice Storm [trailer]

Possible Porno Name: Cuming On The Scissor Sisters

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Rental Round Up(dog)

The Devil & Daniel Johnston [trailer] – Think Augusten Burroughs gotz issues? Underground manic-depressive music sensation Daniel Johnston has so many issues that the dude’s got a lifetime subscription. I’ve seen so many franztastic docs this year, and this one my fiends, is by jamie farr the breastest in show! Dare4 the biggest movie mistake I’ve made this year was NOT seeing this one in a theater. Luckily it made its way to the top of my Netflix queue as soon as it was dropped on DVD, and you should follow suit. The extras are extra hispecial, hispecially DJ’s reunion with his unrequited love Laurie

Lollilove [trailer] – Since I’m a sucker for The Office‘s Pam, I’m a sucker for anything Jenna Fischer, and that is what led me to this 3 dollar budgeted flick that she directed about doling out lollipops to the homeless with the help of her real life husband (boo!). As a feature it’s unwatchable, as JO material, it’s invaluable!

NOTE TO NYCers: there’s a sheet lode of movies cumin out this weekend, but only one to see, Jonestown: The Life and Death of Peoples Temple [beyond Thighly recommended], and for those outside of Da City, czech for dates here, or juss wait til it airs on PBS’ American Experience in April of the ’07

Borat Bone Us: The Gum has gots 3 hot mp3s from the Borat sdtrk, includin ‘In My Country There Is Problem’, ‘Born To Be Wild’, & ‘You Be My Wife’

until next thyme, the balcony is clothed…

Beck & Gondry dial it up

[The Gum]

Jim & Pam get dirrrrrrty

[My Man Marv]

Bol’in for Dollar$

I used to work with that bum!

No, I am not related to this kid

when Stossel got Stosseled

and this Borat greatness juss in