Thighs Wide Shut

Babel
A Towering Achievement
Trailer

Alejandro González Iñárritu’s geographical head and heartache Babel has been compared to everything from Crash to Traffic to any other modern politically-charged piece that intertwines stories that seem loosely connected, but really aren’t as loose as yer mum’s ‘gina. While the stories in Babel are barely connected, the film as a film is butter than anything it’s been compared to. While some see fault in these loose associations making up a complete picture, I, on the other hand, have no issue with it at all, cause to me, the three separate tales concurrently running against each other are so personal and so fascinating that they could stand alone as three movies I’d want to see (the sexual charged Japanese deaf girl tickled my fancy the most and the moist). And the breastest part of it all is that Brad Pitt & Cate Blanchett are barely in it, so the peoples who forked over 10+ bones to see juss them will leave with more than they bargained for. And for 10+ bones, we all get an effin bargain for a franztastic world trip at our local cinematorium

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix Iñárritu’s Amores Perros [trailer] cause I’m purty sure a majority of you xenocinefilephobes never saws it

Possible Porno Name: Babs Rang My Bell

Get Yer Cuar-ón: loved u some Gael García Bernal & Diego Luna in Alfonso Cuarón’s Y tu mamá también, well the three are in talks to re-team for México ’68, a tale of student revolt in the summer of said year, and if that wasn’t enuff, the two taco heartthrobs will both appear in Alfonso’s brother’s joint about fútbol, Rudo y Cursi

Apt MPupil3: ‘We Are The World‘ [d] by everyone AND their mother!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

until next thyme, the balcony is clothed…

The time was the 80s, the person was me. Before I was stroking my balls, I was hitting em, and spending endless hours collecting cards that would one day be worth as much as the 13th series of Garbage Pail Kids. Baseball used to be the shiznit in my life. Now it’s something I attend maybe twice a year and really only pay attention to when autumn leaves crisp up like a Coco Crisp eating a bowl of Cocoa Krispies. Before my beloved city of birth was re-awarded a team that instantly became my team, I was a fan of the nearby Orioles and the Cardinals, who hailed from the city where my parents were born and eating bread. So I guess that now means I have 3 flavorite baseball teams. That may sound like a recockulous amt of teams to heart, but 2 of 3 o dem squads are usually outta the pennant race by the beginning of May. And such is the lameness of the regular baseball season. Anywho, I aint here to mitch and boan, hispecially since me Cards juss picked up their 10th Series crown, so I is here instead to reminisce and celebrate that glorious decade of Whiteyball, and my ten mos flav Cards, who when taken dumps, would have some royal flushes

1. Ozzie Smith – dude back-flipped you fo reals and even appeared in the Simps ep ‘Homer At Bat‘

2. Willie McGee – the OG McG probably had the greatest face of balls thyme, a face that always sez, ‘Dat’s da smelliest damn fart I is have ever smelt!‘

3. Vince Coleman – I once saw the Cards play the ‘Stros in Busch Stadium and Vince hit a grand salami. I also once played hide the salami. I really do like salami and eggs

4. Bob Forsch – the forsch was strong with this him and his bro Ken

5. Tom Pagnozzi – sure, he may be a nobody, but I think I sent him 5 baseball cards to autograph and he returned them all with his John Hancock

6. Jose Oquendo – he hamazin-lee played every single position on a baseball field, including left out

7. Andy Van Slyke – if I could change my last name from Master to anything, it would mos def be Van Slyke

8. Darrell Porter – rumor has it that he was Dick Donner’s second choice to play Superman/Clark Kent

9. Jack Clark – his eyebrows got more pussy than most of us could ever spank of

10. Bruce Sutter – his beard got less pussy than Eric Stoltz did in Mask

much love and respek go out to Tomm Herr, Todd Worrell, Tito Landrum, Joaquín Andújar, and Terry Pendleton

Go NATS, O’s, & CARDS!

Marie Antoinette
Let Them Eat Cake Make Mistake
Trailers

I was probably the only person on earth who wasn’t heels over head in love with Sofia Coppola’s meandering Lost In Translation. It was good, but far from great, and far from Grape Ape. The girl’s mos def got a flair for visiual style and can pick a soundtrack better than Zach Braff or any Braff for that matter, but her storytelling leaves much to be desired. After winning an Oscar for Lost, Ms Coppola has cashed in her ‘get out of jail free‘ card (much like Gus van Sant, who followed his winning Finding Forrester with the losing Psycho remake) with her anachronistic trifle Marie Antoinette.

While I golf clap her attempt to mix modern (New Wave music, Chuck Taylors, American accents) with classic, I bitch slap her for not being able to make it work. The mod bits don’t add anything to the film, but do add up to be one giant mistake. Marie really coulda been something exquisite, but slain and pimple, is a giant waste of celluloid, and sirprizingly very zzzzzzzz inducing. Trying something different is one thing, but not even trying when you’re trying too hard to do something different is another thing all together, hispecially when you have a brilliant cast (Dunst and Schwatzman shine like Mop & Glo^®) and the bestest shooting location that money could never buy (the freakin real deal Versailles) at yer disposal. Public, on yer behalf I declare the honeymoon with this Coppola over. Now its time to give brother Roman another shot. I mean, CQ wasn’t the greatest, nor even the Grape Apest, but its soundtrack is way cooler than anything Sofia could dream up. LET SOFIA EAT POOP!!!

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix Kube’s second 2 none period piece Barry Lyndon [trailers | TWS.org review]

Possible Porno Name: Hairy Cunt I Pecked

Nepotismizms: co-starring Asia ‘Dario’ Argento, Katrine ‘John’ Boorman, Io ‘Sam’ Bottoms, Jason ‘Talia Shire’ Schwartzman, Mary ‘Bill’ Nighy, and Danny ‘John’ Huston

Apt MPupil3: since pointless modern music was the name of the game, why didn’t Copp throw co-star Marianne Faithfull’s versh [vid] of the Stones’ ‘As Tears Go By‘ [d] a bone?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit, But Mos Certainly No Stinkin Badgers

until next thyme, the balcony is clothed…