Thighs Wide Shut

and I guess it’s better to lose a job than yer life, so we give brief PTFOuts to the dude who sorta helped Edward Norton’s career and Richard Gere’s hair and the bizatch who basically paved the way for Alex DeLarge to have a song to sing while raping and pillaging

Lily Allen, cutie at large (no relation to Alex DeLarge)

[herspace]

Jack White, the OG Dane Cook

Hey, YAAAAAAAAAA [Hattan]

‘I Done Soiled My Britches!‘ [Gulf of Tonkin]

Where Are They Now: The White Shadow

the real Fapino Royale [NSFW]

world’s wurstest burglar since the Hamburglar [Jewanicur/Texas Dave]

Jonesing for Jones. I dare you to try to keep up with them all

Where does the expression ‘Be there or be square’ come from?

Stuff People Write On Money

Abandoned Shopping Carts

before Sacha Baron Cohen was the cause of Kiddd Rockk’s ire he was a nobody/the host of some busted-arsed UK cable show called Pump TV. Peep a bit o’ his stylin’s here (at the beginning and then about 3:45 in)

For Your Consideration
It’s Not Funny
Trailers & mo

It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny, at all. OK, so there was ONE funny bit, but dats cause phun with photoshop + Ricky Gervais always = funny. Otherwise, It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny. It’s not funny.

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix the only truly deeply madly funny Guest joint Waiting For Guffman [trailer + ints]

Possible Porno Name: Consider Fornication

Be Our Guest: this Dread Pirate Roberts impostor is ALMOST as funny as For Your Consideration

To Help Ease The Pain & Ease Strokin Your Vein: Britney’s NSFW shaven roast beef platter

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): consider Slittin Yer Eyes Out Wit POOPulous

until next thyme, the balcony is clothed…

Say what you will about Labor, Arbor or Secretary’s Day, but thighs down, there is no better American holiday than Spanksgiving. Everyone in our mostly fine country celebrates it, regardless of race, color, smell, or updog. If yer not eating pie on the third Thursday in November, then you probably aint gonna make it with anyone anyhow. So in honor of Honor Blackman‘s boning of Principal Onyx Blackman while listening to Onyx‘s ‘Slam'[d], we give spanks, and misgivings, and Earnest Givens

Spanksgiving!
-for my mother’s redonkey-donk greasy spoon
-for Joe Gibbs listening to Jesus’ call to bench Mark Brunell
-for Cliff Engle
-for Goldenfiddle
-for Orbit’s Lemon-Lime gum
-for Shitney giving her ho the heave
-for Garyland’s 7-0 start that may wash away memories of missing the tourney for the past 2 years and this, Navi the Terrible Bowler’s desktop background image
-for the color combo of green and yellow
-for Amy Ruth’s candied yams
-for The Onion‘s headlines
-for Mel Gibson showing his true colors, and for those who boo his name when they see his Apocalypto trailer in theaters
-for Under Armour undies, they protect this house, and by house i mean my sweaty ball sac and killer dong!
-for Jhoon Rhee’s ‘Nobody Bother Me’ commercial
-for saucy red-heads with everlasting smiles
-for Spike TV’s Bond-A-Thon & AudioGarden’s Casino Royale KILLAH Bond theme
-for the moment I get my grubby lil hands on the Nintendo Wii
-for Drew Brees’ fantasy numbers that actually make Peyton Manning benchable in my keeper league
-for 1/20/09
-for Maryland’s world’s bestest flag
-for Borat’s endless curiosity of packaged cheese
-for Dan Steinberg’s Sports Bog
-for Sesame Chicken
-for bowling
-for Matthew leaving Eleanor at home to put her boots back on
-for mustaches
-for the return of Kelly Leak

Misgivings!
-for that cacophony of crap that is Timb Lake’s ‘Sexy Back’
-for the NFL Network
-for HD-DVD & Blu-Ray
-for mircowaved tunafish
-for Mel Gibson showing his true colors
-for Nazis
-for Surf Nazis, who must die
-for my State Comptroller
-for Tower Records’ closing
-for the NBA
-for Philly’s Mütter Museum‘s love of all things mad yuck, including but not limited to sliced sections of the human head
-for NBC picking up Studio 60 for the whole season, thus forcing me to watch overly dramatic shiz that doesn’t need to be dramatic
-for Libby Gelman-Waxner’s mostly worthless ‘If You Ask’ articles in Premiere
-for Jessica Shaw’s always worthless Shaw Report in EW
-for the Lions, who should be banned from Turkey Day
-for Gustav Graves

Earnest Givens!

Casino Royale
More of A Turn Than A Flop, So Let This River Flow
Trailers & much mo

Like the Redskins looking to the future with Jason Campbell at the helm, the other biggest entertainment franchise of franchises has also decided to breathe much needed life into their own stale bag of chips. The name you know. It’s such an obvious name that the theme song to our her00’s latest adventure is simply called, ‘You Know My Name’. Bond, James Bond (for those who just arrived on planet earth), and before dirty blond/steely-blue eyed Daniel Craig got the starting nod from coaches Barbara Broccoli & Michael G. Wilson, this ship was headed for an iceberg or even worse, a Goldberg (I wonder if Kramer hates Jews too?)! Hell, one more Pierce Brosnan snoozefest and they coulda dropped the ‘7’ and juss leave us with Robert Parish’s jersey number, not just one zero, but two, showing you how devoid of greatness Bond had become.

Well, the wait is over and said wait was well worth it. And besides Thomas Crown the II being shown the door, the other single greatestest aspect of Casino Royale‘s release is that we can stop seeing the word ‘reboot‘ appear in magazines, newspapers, and whathaves you until they decide to ‘reboot’ the Leonard Part 6 franchise (btw, even though I have 2.6% filmmmmaking skills, I still want to write and direct Leonard Parts I-V as one movie!). This relief even tops my disdain for the use of the word ‘editrix’ when critics were reviewing The Devil Wears Prada [see TWS.org review for DIS-dain!]. And while the gadgets are gone, the rest of the stuff one would eggspect is tailor made (but not by one in Panama): ruthless European villian with bleeding eye (check), a cool Felix Lighter (check PLUS for bringing Jeffrey Wright into the mix), and saucy saucy biddies with more than juss boobies (what, u didn’t fap that shit yet?).

So with the good, there’s always gotta be bad: 2hr 24min. Shave 45 minutes off this baby and you have the bestest Bond flick since the Connery days. Keep it the same length and you have the bestest since The Living Daylights. Oh what, you a T Dalton hater? Thought so. OK, bestest one since Max Zorin was pimp of the blimp. Either way, Daniel Craig rules the school and does it look like I give a damn… about run times?!

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix the TWS.org Breast In Show stamped Layer Cake [trailer] DUVHS!

Possible Porno Name: Cunt Sea Knows Roy’s A$$

Cameow: yep, that awfully smiley bearded man that you can barely see making his way thru Miami airport’s security is none other than Virgin gazillionaire Richard Branson, who also somehow netted a cameo in Superman Returns

Apt MPupil3: ‘The Gambler‘ [d] by Kenny Rogers, but not his rotisserie chicken

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Major Peepers

until next thyme, the balcony is clothed…

Peace The Fork Out
to
the guy who’s final pretentious movie
starred Lindsay Lohag
for cryin out loud
Robert Bernard Altman

1925 – 2006

• my personal fav The Long Goodbye
• the greatestist casting of balls thyme: Shelley Duvall as Olive Oyl in his Popeye
• a slightly NSFW oddly fapolicous Cynthia Stevenson in The Player
• as an ‘actor’ slingin drinks in Franco Zeffirelli’s Endless Love
• his NORML activites, as a member of their advisory board
&
• Ini Kamoze’s ‘Here Comes The Hotstepper’ [d|vid] from PrêtShit-à-Porter

+ much hugs and misses to Andre ‘Dirty’ Waters & Bo ‘Peep’ Schembechler