Thighs Wide Shut

And that fire is peoples’ mad desire to become gamers again, for the first time, or to continue on being the twelve-sided dice freaks that this for this new busted-arsed century. Seriously folks, aged 9, 69 or 6969, man or bizatch, whitey or blackie, yellowie or Redskin, dirty Jew or dirty dancer, if you’re an agronomist, a
boatswain, a comptroller, a dominatrix, an exchequer, a fellmonger, a gondolier, a haberdasher, an innkeeper, a juggler, a kinesiologist, a lady-in-waiting, a manicurist, a ninja, an oboist, a pickler, a quivermaker, a registrar, a sexton, a
taikonaut, an usher, a ventriloquist, a wainwright, a xylophonist, a yodeler, a zoot-suitist or are of any other occupation and have two hands YOU MUSS GO OUT AND BUY A NINTENDO WII (don’t let the caps throw yo off, although the ‘tendo is gettin into a World War for yer money vs Sony & Microsoft).

After my domination of Tony Hawk 3 on PS2, I had retired from the gaming world, I thought for good, cept for the occasi 8-bit glory of blowing into my ye olde cartridges, but hype and curiosity got the breast of me. And methinks that $250 is a small price to pay for the single greatest toy of balls thyme. Also, I never owned me the Power Glove, and I figured that this would help to make up for that bit o’ my lost childhood

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it’s so much fargin fun that even hot chicks dig it

and even average looking chicks too!

and I’m sure fatty-boom-booms do too since the Wii provides more eggsercise than removing a slice of pizza from a box and shoving it down one’s piehole!

Breast part of the whole dang thang, besides the thumcredible interactivity, the people destroying their televisions and themselves (czech out Wiihaveaproblem.com early and often), or the old school skin you can buy, is that you can download old games (NES, SNES, N64, Sega Genesis, and even ye booty arsed TurboGrafx-16) thru their Virtual Console. Not a ton o games are available yet, although I’m totally rockin Sonic the Hedgehog, but every Monday four more get released. No word on if or when Toobin’ will be available

So don’t delay, blow whomever you have to, but get a Wii so you can wii all over yerself like I have for the past 2 bestestest weeks of my life, besides the first 2 weeks of life and the 2 weeks I totally anally raped your father in Guam

we bid Peace The Fork The Outtings to everyone’s mos flavorite RBI Baseball SS, a mustached art-theft expert, a Jeane who could getherasskicked, a chess grandmaster flasher, a dude who a lot of people hated, but not for his snappy dressing, and a belated one goes out to the Tengen peeps, who PTFOed in the ’93

Cuthbert currently in NYC filming My Sassy Girl, and currently being hypnotized by clapboards

Dakota Fanning wants to direct more than she wants pubes

Sacha Baron Cohen Was a Male Model

•Michael Psenicska, 2006’s Best Supporting Actor

David Lynch poo-poos the more Twin Peaks notion. Funny, cause word has it that his new movie is poo-poo

Rocky screenings galore, sadly it’s not for Rocky I

the Bergdorf Goodman windows

How many hours of TV does a person watch in a lifetime?

where have I seen this layout before?

a History of Snowboarding in 2 minutes flat, like yer mum’s chest [Bizzaro Lazzaro]

you can’t spell Danni without ‘in’ or ‘nad’, but you can’t with NSFW

Ghanian film posters [Cab Driver]

Tasty Crispy Silkworm

Walt Disney’s The Story Of Menstruation, fo-five-reals!

Tefillin Barbie [The Thinker]

locate a cell phone anywhere in the world [The Eating Machine]

and how come Tron Guy hasn’t thrown his latest male-camel toe creation up on his websight yet? [WTFOMGZ]

much love from me head to Danny Glover’s gloves go out to my other main man (that aint Marvkus) Pakula Shaker, for help in the Photochop Suey brainstormin norman dept this weak. Goo luck to anyone in fantasy pay-offs this weekend. I already know who I’m startin, but if you had both Brees AND Peyton, whom would u choose to rock the rock?

Kelly Kapowski

Tiffani Thiessen

Lisa Turtle

Lark Voorhies

Jessica ‘Jessie’ Myrtle Spano

Elizabeth Berkley

Stacey Carosi

Leah Remini

Laura Mooney

Nicki Kapowski

Ginger

Bridgette Wilson

Laura Benton

Jennifer McComb

Rhonda Robistelli

Kirsten Holmquist

Robin

Soleil Moon Frye

Courtney

Carolyn Cable

Tracii Show

Hilary

Nurse Jennifer

Nancy Valen

Cynthia

Denise Richards

Ed Alonzo

Max, Owner of the Max

Kevin the Robot

Kevin the Robot

The Prestige & The Fountain
A HUGHe Step In The Right Direction
Pres Trailer & Fout Trailer

Good for Hugh Jackman. After outperforming the usual dreck that he stars in (c’mon peoples, the X-Men movies aren’t all that great… I mean, can you differentiate between the 3 of them?) it seems as if he’s earned the right to pick and choose the directors he wants to work with. And who on earth wouldn’t have Christopher Nolan (The Prestige) and Darren Aronofsky (The Fountain) in their top 5? Last summer he crossed Woody Allen off his list as he did admirable work in his subpar (when only compared to Match Point [review]) Scoop [review], which oddly enuff also involved British magicians AND ScarJo. And with his mos excellent work in Nolan and Aronofsky’s latest pics, Jackman will continue to get his way. Who doesn’t salivate at his teaming-up on Australia with fellow Aussies Nicole Kidman and master Baz Luhrmann, who’s been marty mcsorley missed from cinema ever since his beyond brills Moulin Rouge captivated even Andy Capp back in the ’01?

In the battle of the ’06 magician movies (we won’t even bother includin the Woodman’s Scoop on this war) The Prestige is leaps and gagged and bounds mo better butter than The Illusionist [review], which was by and far the bestest Paul Giamatti film of the year. I mean, how can anyone compete with Batman & Alfred AND The Great White Duke & Smeagol all in one movie? Hell, this puppy is so darn good that I deem it the most re-watchable outta all the Christopher Nolan joints. Yes, even more so than Memento, which had much more thinking involved, but wasn’t nearly as fun as Prestige.

When Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchett and yer 70 million $ budget for yer pet film project about the search for eternal life past, present, and future suddenly vanishes like D.B. Cooper, what is one to do? While most would move on, Aronofsky continued on, and not too shabbily, despite losing 30 or so of dem millions, with Hugh Jackman and his super dope fiancee Rachel Weisz. While most people don’t know the backstory of The Fountain‘s black plagued production, and probably won’t know or care in generations to come, I believe it should be taken into consideration when viewing it. You have to accept and embrace it for what it is instead of what it could have been. Aronof had to compromise his original vision, but the finished project is not a total loss, even if it is a giant mess. The Fountain is a lot like Spielberg’s mammoth undertaking of Kubrick’s unrealized A.I.… it’s seems incomplete, but the filmmaking is so effin gorgeous that I’d rather it eggzist in some form than not all

Unsatisfied with this?: peep Andy Serkis rock out with Tenacious D

Possible Porno Name: The Pressed Teets & The Fountain of Poo

Apt MPupil3: ‘Magic’ [d] by The Cars

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Pres, Breast In Show & Fout, despite its flaws, Jeepers Worth A Peepers

until next thyme, the balcony is clothed…