The Quiet
Coming Thru (My Pants) Loud And Clear
Trailer
There are only two ways I can objectively review this movie: Han Is Lee and Len Biased. And you my lucky (reuben) drones, will be treated to both
Han Is LeeSexual abuse within a family never makes for the mos popcorn pleasing cinema, yet
The Quiet, director
Jamie Babbit's follow up to her quirky
But I'm a Cheerleader, is a pleasure to watch. Me not saying that I get my kicks outta watching a father molest her daughter to the point of her wanting to kill him, but what I is saying is that all the players involved are so darn convincing that I could overlook the student-filmish feel and pacing of the entire picture. Hell, this thing had 'straight-to-video' written all over it, but since it stars the hotliest screen duo of the aughts,
Cuthbest/Bellebest, and not
Justin Timberlake, it has a chance to strike a chord with a wide audience. And I sure hope it does. While there's much to commend about the mannered performances of Martin Donovan, Edie Falco, and of course, one of the brightest and mos
eyebrowlicious stars around,
Her Eternal Royal Thighness, the real props deleon have gotta go to HRT the II,
Elisha Cuthies Cuthsplurt Cuthbert. Best know for being the clueless daughter of Jack Bauer, who has been chased by everything from bears to
Johnny Chase, and for her mad blue-balling of audiences everywhere in
The Girl Next Door, Ms Cuthbert really hasn't had a chance to show her true talents, outside of those who've seen
Lucky Girl/My Daughter's Secret Life (I'm spanking in yer direction
BlogFather). As the abused and damaged gooded daughter in
The Quiet, Cuthie goes the extra mile here and truly has earned the right to be called something a lil more important than a fine piece of a$$. If I'm not mistaken, I believe the industry calls such a thing an 'actress'.
Len BiasedDude,
Barbara Fiorentino and
Rebecca Mangieri should not only receive honorary Oscars, but the key to every Scottish city that has a loch (get it?), a parade across the entire surface of Mars complete with
Shriner escorts, and the right to take a dump in any men's bathroom they please. Why? Well, as casting directors for
The Quiet, one can only
a$$ zoom that these two were responsible for the mos splooge-tastic screen pairing since
a bottle of champagne met with Denise Richards' bosoms [NSFW, duhvs]: Cuthlisha Bellmilla.
OH MAI FORKING LORD O MIGHTY MOUSE! Even though the two don't lick each other, share a bath, help each other shower, help each other shave, help each other apply lotion, Cool-Whip, or WD-40 to their respective bodies, the screen sizzles whenever the two occupy the same frame. There was one shot in
pardickular where the two are lying on a bed together, fully clothed, and I turned to
Tom Wellington, the greatest living actor and Pat O'Brien remixer in the world, and said, '
this is what heaven looks like.' Juss think of it as the ultimate tease. While there's so much dark matter being displayed on the screen, the viewer/splooger is left to create his (no 'her' here, unless 'her'
licksalottapuss) own light splatter when they get home from the theater. While some may see that as a disappointment, you gotta give these young girls credit for keeping their clothes on. Cause once they head down the nekkid road, there's no mystery left and therefore no man needs to see a movie with them in it ever again. And to make yer splatters wurst, the only yammy yams one gets to see belong to Edie Falco. I haven't seen such
sloppy jalopies like dat since
Edith Wharton took her top off at that Who concert! Did I mention that when Cuthbust is not being molested by her father
(and if you were her father, wouldn't you...) she's probably wearing
a cheerleading outfit? You can't spell 'actress' without 'ass', as in piece of. YOWZAAAAAAAA!!!
Recommended for those who like:
Bobby Drake,
James Bowie High School, and Deepak Chopra Winfrey
Possible Porno Name:
Quite The TitUnsatisfied with this? Netflix
The Woodsman [
Review |
Trailer]
Apt MPupil3: 'Quiet' by
The Smashing Pumpkins [
d]
IMDb Sweeney: I'm all aboard the Babbit train, hispecially if she keeps lining up the hotties. Her next pic,
Itty Bitty Titty Committee, stars the Diet Coke-Starry Eyed Sirprize beaut
Nicole Vicius (see bottom of posting)
Han Is Lee John Grisham's Jizzum (aka Verdict):
Jeepers Worth A PeepersLen Biased John Grisham's Jizzum (aka Verdict): dude, do u even have to ask?
Four Breasts In ShowThe Quiet opens in NYC/LA this Friday
& st elsewhere st whenever
until next time the balcony is clothed...
..and hopefully next time Camish Cuthbelle will be nekkid
Tuesday, August 22
who knew that the
Shelden Williams' nerve tonic addiction not only inflated his head, but his hands? [
NBA/
Blurer]
Lucas on
Indy 4: '
We're basically going to do 'The Phantom Menace.' Hide the woman and children and droids!!!
take a leak on these
Transformer leaked snaps!! [
Pakula Shaker]
Lily Allen, meet North AmericaNetflix is one of the ten largest users of first-class mail in America. Find out how it all works, with this brief, but
in-depth report from a Netflix warehouse located in my MD hometown [
Stephen Hacking]
the thumbpossible has become possible? spanks to Laing Sack of Sh&t and his Hawaiian vacation,
Mauna Loa's Milk Chocolate Toffee Macadamias have temporarily replaced Dutch
Stroopwafles as my exotic treat that can't be beat! Will
Terrell Owens's Exotic Popcorn Getcha Popcorn Ready be the next champ of my chompers?
I wonder how the strip steak was at the
inaugural World Strip Poker Championship. Maybe they can hold the event next year in the Gaza Strip. Exiting corny jokes.... NOW!
qwik Tribe Called Quest 'What' riff: What heights are wuthering without Charlotte Bronte? What is
a Gremlins flick without Joe Dante?
America's Best Colleges 2007.
Bovine University, still unranked
unphotochop twosday:
The Jack White House [
Veeeeeg]
Goldenfiddle's Daily Double Genius Species:
A Man Should Look Out After His Family AND
Taggedthe only people who don't think that
the name 'Redskins' isn't racist? Redskins fans, and gawd bless em. But if a compromise had to be made, I says call em juss the Skins, as in red potato skins, and ditch the proud Injun on the helmet and replace it with the spear, or at least this picture of
Shitney Spears from the Teen Choice Awardspeace the fork out
Joe 'Guns n' Rosenthal, who may have taken the single mos iconic photo of balls thyme. And a belated p.t.f.o. to
Esther L. Snyder, who co-founded In-N-Out Burger, and in turn, the stoopidest thing I've ever heard of:
a secret menu
[AS220]Scottish actors are no longer permitted to smoke on stage or on a film set. Wales (the next Hollywood)
may follow suit. Luckily
Beetlejuice's Juno never lived to see this day. By the gay, czech out how fly
Juno (Sylvia Sidney) was as a young(er) actressSouth of the Border Simpsons... AYE CARUMBA! [
Monkey Boy]
Poll: Jews want to date Portman, Ali GPoll: Jews have predictable taste, hate bacon, but secretly love it
I cunt bee leave
Ahmadinejad gave
You, Me, and Dupree such a glowing review!
Are cats tails an involuntary or voluntary movement?don't bother clickin, cause u can get the answer from yer mom who's carpet I juss got dunn shaving:
How Kissing Works [
Mod Squad]
the least scariest game based on one of the more scarier movies:
The Freddy GameAre
two heads better than getting head?
NYC, Lego stizz [
Data Who Dat?]
Portraits of Current World Leadersthe largest s'more ever [
Super Thighs Me]
Onion Booty [kinda NSFW]
Man Not Found, Dogand if there were ever a time to pant over
panties...
Monday, August 21
Chris Isaak
Beacon Theater
Aug 17th, 2006
In the history of man, there are only three that I'd go 400% gay for, no preguntas asked: Jude Law, Damon Albarn, and
Alexander the Grape (green helmets really turn me on for some reason). Whoops, I omitted someone. Someone very special. No, not
Chris Burke, but the dude who hasn't aged a day over 31 and who's perfect singing voice could probably make any female's pelvic region gush more than
the falls that the car goes over in Romancing The Stone at the drop of a hat...
tie mcdaniel's oscar, being dropped! It's the dude who's song I hearded and hearted in the fantaboulous David Lynch film, which was lucky enuff to be sangwhiched between
Blue Velvet and
Twin Peaks,
Wild At Heart. Spunkily for us all, the Lynch directed film helped said song and said dude find a wider audience, but happarently
the Lynch directed music video was not jib cutting enuff, so
Herb Ritts went out and created a 2.69 versh that when dropped in the Feb of the '91 on an un-suck-specting world instantly scratch-offedly become
the sexiest music video of BALLS THYME
Dearest Chris, Helena, & Herb
±,
Thanks for taking part in the mos JOing-iest music video of all time. Like those stoopid women who never realized men didn't want to bang them until they read
He's Just Not That Into You
, it never dawned on me that I wanted to nail super hot topless chicks with crazy dark eye make-up on black & white beaches while cumulonimbus clouds that not even Bob Ross could wet dream up float at the speed of Speed Racer using the eraser at the bottom of
a number 1 pencil until I was 14 years of age and I made dirty to the beautiful images
Adam Curry was pumping into my rent's living room. How can I ever repay you? Besides ceasing and desisting from sending this same eggzact letter to you each and every day?
K.I.T. (keep in touch!)
Xoxoxoxo,
Thigh Maestro
wait, what the fork were we
blathering blatherskiting about? Oh yeah, how much we'd totally bone Chris Isaak, even if he force-fed us microwaved tunafish covered in microwaved gefilte fish. We've felt this way ever since the '91, but to be honest, the man hasn't been much on our radar o'reilly screens since our copy of
Baja Sessions
arrived in the mail spanks to my 818th account under an assumed name at
BMG Music Service. Spank the lord then that CI was still on my list of muss see performers before they or I perish (alongside such luminaries as Neil Diamond and ABBA, but not such luminaries as Eric Clapton and Bob Dylan) cause otherwise he may have completely been
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Minded out of my mind for all eternaltality (besides the off chance of catching
Fire Walk With Me,
Married To The Mob,
The Silence of the Lambs, or
Little Buddha on the telly)
I was a bit skeptical at first when Chrissy came out on stage (probably juss the bad acid flashbacks I get from time to time of the Huey Lewis & The News Bowery Ballroom show I saw where they started off playing 10 new songs that no one wanted to hear... hispecially the dude who kept screaming 'GHOSTBUSTERS!'), but I was easily put at ease like Eazy-E eating
Easy Cheese at Chuck E Cheese's after a few songs in when Chris himself climbed 2 flights of stairs to visit us peons in the cheap seats (btw, probably the bestest 30 clams I spent on balcony seats mt everest)! And from dat point on my pelvic area began to gush along with all the other ladies' cause Isaak's croontastic voice was crisper and clearer than
Coco Crisp heartily enjoyin a bowl of
Cookie Crisp soaked in
Crystal Pepsi. He so rocks. He so rules. He so fine he blew my mind. He has the so bestest hair. The so bestest complexion. I bet he drives a hot car. I bet he gets hot carls in that hot car in the drive-thru window at Carl's Jr. Did I mention that in the encore that he wore a mirrorball suit? You can't get much kooler and the ganger than that! If it did, I'd probably have to cut off my johnson and send it to him in the mail
set list (+ mo from the Leg Humpinidness of
the Knobbery)
* Lonely With a Broken Heart
* Let's Have a Party
* Let Me Down Easy
* Speak of the Devil
* Dancin'
* Somebody's Crying
* Wicked Game
* Go Walking Down There
* King Without a Castle
* One Day
* Want You To Want Me (Cheap Trick cover)
* Here I Stand
* Two Hearts
* Except the New Girl¥
* Graduation Day
* Can't Do a Thing to Stop Me
* I Love You Too Much
* Only the Lonely (Roy Orbison cover)
* Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing
* Don't Be Cruel (Elvis cover)
* Gone Ridin'
Encore
* Blue Hotel
* San Francisco Days
* Bonnie Bee
* Blue Spanish Skies
If you read this far and don't give two Massive-two-shits about the Isaak, I implore you to investigate one of the more underrated artists of the past 20 years. Start with the obvious (
Heart Shaped World
), knock out his bestest nextus (
San Francisco Days
), and then get yer own pelvic region flowin with another goodie but not so oldie (
Forever Blue
). Truss the man and you'll be as
right as Rain PryorNobody loves no-one
unless of corpse
yer the effin TM
and you totally want to bone Chris Isaak
this posting was not sponsored in part by
Kathleen Turner Overdrive±even though Herb peaced the fork 4 years ago, I still send his estate a letter per day
¥I always thought he was saying 'Accept The Nude Girl' [d fo yo self and never listen to it again the same 4eva]
, which many fear
, which must be exited
