Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Friday, September 23

Things & Stuff










+ The Streets' Mike Skinner stole Radio 1 DJ Jo Whiley's mic and outted himself by way of Bloc Party 'Banquet' remix [d-lode]

+ bid on balloons actually touched by HRT the II!!! [via Warwick Dave-us]

+ At my request, our precious lil kingdomite, Jean-Claude Van Dame Dakota Fanning the I, has juss enlisted in the greatistest cookie selling organization know to man. Werd has it that I won't get a discount, but if she refuses to hand over my annual intake of 43 boxes of Samoas at no charge, I'll be forced to stop the payments on her dental work!! [via D]


[more pics]


# Things & Stuff

The 7 Month Old Review

Proof
Not At All Formulaic
View Trailer

jake, u wouldnt bee leave how awful that 'nappies' song is!!
Lucky is me who got to see such an early screening of this flick so no other critics' reviews can influence my opinion. Why? Cause there are no reviews! Snot only dat, but there isn't even an American release date set yet... unless you count Argentina as part of America. OK, enuff about how cool I am (mucho gra$$y-a$$ to Big Bad Bogsly), and lettuce break out our red pens and grade this math test movie. This movie has Oscar glory written all over it, based on the cast and crew. It's directed by John Madden (of Shakespeare in Love fame, not MNF) and is based on the hit play by David Auburn about a genius mathematician (Hannibal Lecter) who starts to lose it in his old age. He's taken care of by his daughter (Apple Martin's mum, bird-neck Paltrow) who in turn shares some of her father's traits: being brizz-ainy/crizz-zazzy. When the old man dies, Paltrow's sister (the EVER succulent Hope Davis) comes to town to whisk her away before she follows in papa's footsteps to the loony bin. Also, one of Hannibal's former students (Donnie Darko) starts digging thru his papers (the papers) in search of some Holy Grail of mathematics (or as British people call it, 'maths'). Paltrow lets her guard down (as well as her panties) to Darko (maybe cause he loves bunnies so much... so don't u dare call this movie Rabbit-Proof Fence) and reveals to him a mathematical proof that could change the world. STEP OFF PYTHAGORAS!! Too bad Hope & Darko don't bee leave her for a second that she could've come up with it and attribute the work to the late and great Dr Lecter instead. The rest of the movie deals with proving the proof. IF ONLY SHE HAD SOME SORT OF PROOF!! Oh the drama!! Seriously, who woulda thunk that a play/movie about math could be so engaging? It's hard not to be when the cast is as stellar as a bottle of Stella Artois. And unlike some plays that made the jump to the big screen, it doesn't come off as being too stagy. Supposedly this movie could have been released this past December as Oscar bait, but Mirabest held it back. I don't know what will be (or has been) retooled, but come next year Gwenie and David Auburn (scriptness) could be blessed with Oscar noms. And the formula works for me: Paltrow + Hope Davis divided by Darko = A Muss Sea.

Recommended for those who like: O'Hare Airport, Margot Tenenbaum, and Darko's eyebrows and facial hair.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix A Beautiful Mind.

[REPOST from our Feb 13th review]


# The 7 Month Old Review

Wednesday, September 21

A Return To Normalcy
by Warren G Hard-on

for
LOHAG
LOHAN
HFRT the I

wonder if the pubes
were dyed back too?

on the other hand, while ginger tatty has gone all thin and lizzy...
...the lil one has gone all Gotti, and lookin like a sweaty Adam Sandler with a wig that only hookers wear in movies

• Me and my new name Gavin agree, we're in it for the BOOOBS

• Only 10 mo days until we have a new crop of zany 'stache and 'ard snaps

• Only 4 more days until Winnie Cooper saves the world

• The US version of The Office, possibly the biggest sirprize bestness of since Baked Cheetos

• Keane the band, Keane the movie, Keane the bidness, Keane the sean, and Keane the toonist of zzzzzzz

• Grambo, alive and ready to pounce on Roll Bounce

• The return of the SI Cover Jinx

• #52 on the List of Things Never To Do: rape a girl in South Africa wearing a Rapex female condom-like device [via Laing Sack of Shit]

• How did the tradition of giving a "key to the city" originate?

• TWS.org, yer #1 result when intersleuthing for video of 'football lesbians'

• Is that really a cloud?

• When life hands you shitty QBs, make shitty QBsade. Fluke or not, Gibbs is still lord and Kornheiser's almost about ready to start up the bandwagon again.



# A Return To Normalcy
by Warren G Hard-on

Tuesday, September 20

Never Forget

Simon Wiesenthal
&
his will to survive
hunting down of Nazi bastards
and his endless crusade to end Anti-Semitism

1908 - 2005

• And in not as importante passing news, we still pause (ok, we're done being rebels with a pause) and bid adieu to Lenny's bizatch Honey Bruce Friedman, who was portrayed by MISS TESCHMACHER!!! in the movie, where DUHVS course, she showed a lil skin

• Rumored Gorillaz 5 night gig has now become a reality! The plan this go around is to not hide behind a screen, invite all the guest stars on stage, and let it all out. Sure to be a once (or fifthce) in a lifetime opp. So who wants to get all madchester in Manchester November 1-5? [via NME]

• Not even Gomer Pyle could be Sirprized, Sirprized, Sirprized by this

• Catch some zzzzzzzzzz

• The new kids on the block, dorkmaster Jon Cannon and semi-soylicious Kelly Miyahara, are like the Patrick Ramsey and Mark Brunell's of Jeopardy!'s Clue Crew. Somewhere Sofia Lidskog (see bottom of post) breathes a sigh of relief. Somewhere I have my hand down my pants thinking about Sofia Lidskog.

• Me loves the music, but I aint schooled enuff to review albums. Good thing then that Ms Mod purrfectly captured the ins and mainly outs of the Fiery Furnaces and Grandma crack pipe fest '05 side project. Eeeeeeesh. The disc is the antonym of 'easy listening'

• The Stanley Kubrick: Inside The Mind of a Visionary Filmmaker eggzibit heads to the Australian Centre for the Moving Image in Melbourne, Rooland starting November 24 til the end of January. Then the damn Romans get it from April on. Cato may actually have to wear underwear if he wants to attend the opening gala.

• CUTHBEST DRIVES!

• Mandy Moore chips in seven points, 29 assists, nine kills, and 28 digs

• TWS.org, one of Six Blogs You Should Be Reading, according to someone else who isn't my brother-in-law or left hand. I also reveal my flavorite site that isn't mine or NonUSHotties!

• A review of Twin Peak Fest '05... Waldo the mynah bird's blood soaked donuts not included [more pic links here]

• Why2k?

• I think I found a way to cure my un-funemployment blues: watch TV for 69 hours and 49 minutes straight

• Remember Cpt 20/Count Gore De Vol? Well if u aint from DC and waz born after 1985, probably not. Our brother from another smothers, Dick 'The Dizzle' Dyszel, has returned to the metropolitan hiz-area complete with his bumpin a$$ DJ service, low-priced mustache rides, and other mustache related hotness. Last week he dropped by the WaPo for a lil chat wit fans. Peep the transcript here [last via Johnny Holla Dollar]

• The Soon To Be Relatively Famous Hooters Employee Handbook

• When I eventually get all married and shiz, the only kitchen item I'll request on my registry is this [via Del Fiddler]

• Shatner takes on 'Rocket Man' [via Shady Akers]

• And to make up for CC the IV's grateful dreadful outfit at whatever the funk Avenue of the Stars is and her claims that my name is Gavin and that we were lovers in our former lives, please viddy well, oh my brothers...



# Never Forget

To Hell With The
80s USA Hockey Team

Cause
this
is
the
real
effin
MIRACLE!

FUCK DALLAS!
14 more Ws to come

[rally sponsored in part by Rally's
er, Checkers, er, um, uh, Rally's]

Pee es - FUCK DALLAS, THE YANKEES, THE NBA, DUKE, and DAVID DUKE


# To Hell With The
80s USA Hockey Team

Monday, September 19

The REEL Deals

The Constant Gardner
The Garden of Earthly Delights
View Trailer

Could you imagine being in City of God director Fernando Meirelles' shoes? How on earth would he able to ever top his breakout film, which went one to become one the finesest and most talked about in the past decade or so (and in retrospect, got so heavily Oscar dissed)? It's a pretty daunting task, kinda like Welles after Kane, if I may be so bold, but 'Nando is certainly up to the task with his follow-up, The Constant Gardner. While it's not fair to compare this work with his last, it is safe to say that since Gardner is so brills it's now a bit easier to say that he is one of the finest filmmakers working today, and wees all will always be eagerly awaiting whatever his next joints is be. While the subject matter may be a complete 180 (slum gangsters in Rio vs corrupt pharmaceutical companies working in Africa), Meirelles still comes through on what he does best: acting as our personal National Geographic photographer, taking us to the outta the way places that we'd rather donate money to than ever dare to visit, as we sit in the safe confines of our local megaplexes. And he's keen on the details too. For example, anyone can film a simple scene in a restaurant where two characters meet, but Meirelles goes the extra mile by fully painting the picture. While most directors may show the viewers the exterior of the restaurant, FM digs deeper, and explores the little nuances behind the scenes, like the chef in the kitchen preparing the meal, the waiter bringing the meal from the kitchen to the tables, and the other people sitting around them, before we even get to our two characters sitting down and chatting. While I've heavily stressed the virtues of the filmmaking itself, I don't want you to think there's nothing else to applaud, cause the rest of the parts that make um this scrumptious sum are purty much as perfect as perfect can get, from the casting (can't go wrong with Ralph Fiennes or Rachel Weisz), to the musical score (nothing with dumbed down English lyrics), to the intriguing and thrilling plotline with a point to share (from a John Le Carré novel), which I won't even bother blabbing about cause I knows yer gonna go see this, right? What if I told you that you'd get to see Weisz' bum as she comes out from a bath? Ooops, did I give too much plot away?

Recommended for those who like: Paul Simon's Graceland, the father who was in the name of, and names like Ndukwe 'ND' Kalu

Possible Porno Name: The Constant Gardner Hoeing His Hos

Unsatisfied with this? I don't knows how you would cause this is a serious Oscar contender alongside Crash, but why donts you Netflix something far inferior like The Interpreter


Cronicas
This Shiz Be The Chronic
View Trailer

While Gardner will garner a lot of attention, Cronicas is mos certainly not to be overlooked cause it is also a film brewing wit eggsaladness from A to Zed. The only thing that will hold back peeps from seeing this is that it's not in English, and the fact that it's not playing in many theaters. Good thing then than the forces behind this production thought to cast John Leguizamo in his first full Spanish-speaking role (although he does throw a few English werds in from time to time) as Miami-based media whore reporter Manolo Bonilla in search of a child molester and killer in Ecuador. But since many will not be able to see this before DVD land, you'll surely miss the always versatile Leguizamo tossing in one his best and more serious work in years. Along for the ride are his trusted cameraman (Jose Maria Yazpik) and ethical, and most beautiful producer (played by the coma-hottiness of Talk To Her's Leonor Watling... more on her hotness in weeks to come on TWS.org). What starts out as a simple assignment, and a simple plot structure, for the trio keeps pushing them deeper and deeper towards the truth, and in turn we get a deeper and deeper understanding of the world of television journalism. The path I thought I was going down (a hunt for a serial killer on the loose), turns into something much more than a conventional 'whodunit' mystery. And it's results are so much more butter because of it. Need more elbowing in yer ribs to go? It was produced by Alfonso Cuarón (Y tu mamá también) and Guillermo del Toro (The Devil's Backbone). PASS THE CHOCO-TACOS!!!

Recommended for those who like: Geraldo Rivera, Final Cut Pro, and Telemundo

Possible Porno Name: Chupa Me Penga Tu Pero-cas

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Network


Junebug
Southern Comfort
View Trailer

Junebug could easily pass as another 'fish out of water' comedy, but dares to be a bit different, and takes the more dramatic approach. It's kinda like Meet The Parents, cept the ladies are more in the forefront, and the people involved aren't a bunch o' walking stereotypes. In the Ben Stillerish role is Embeth Davidtz, who plays Madeleine, an art gallery head on her way to North Carolina to snatch up the next greatest artist (a great side bit about a racist, yet visionary painter with a few screws loose). While in the neighborhood, she and her husband George (Face/Off's Pollux Troy) decide to drop by and pay a visit on his rural family, whom she has never met. While it's most certainly a culture shock for everyone involved, no one acts in an overly-exaggerated way where you know everyone's going to love each other by the films end. Eager to please from the get go is George's chipper pseudo-sister-in-law Ashely (Amy Adams, in a career defining role) who takes immediate interest in Madeleine's urbaness and silver-spoon upbringing. When they first meet, Ashley refuses to let up in the question department. She's so giddy to ask question after question that she guesses the answers sometimes just so she can get to the next question, 'Did you have a lot of boyfriends? I betcha did!', gives her own answers to her own questions, and also is in such awe of some of Madeleine's answers, like when she tells her she was born in Japan, Ashley goes 'You were not!', in that Southern innocent tone associated with polite Confederates. But the movie isn't juss Ashley asking Madeleine questions galore, it's filled with insights into their relationships with their respective men (The OC's Ryan Atwood drops some great brooding with a mustache as Ashley's baby's daddy and George's brother) and how they all interact with George's feisty mom and dormant dad. There's isn't some huge point to hammer home like our first two movies, but the little sweet and tender moments are more than enough to keep us satisfied throughout.

Recommended for those who like: the Carolina Panthers, woodworking, and Civil War penis art

Possible Porno Name: Poonbug...ger

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Daytrippers


Elevator To The Gallows
The Birth of Cool
View Trailer

They say that this film noir was the birth of French New Wave cinema. Depending on your take on FNW cinema this could be a good thing or it could make you want to slight yer eyes out. Just for yer reference, I don't care too much for FNW cinema. It's all a lil too pretentious and meandernessness and not enuff goodness for my chops, with some eggceptions of course (Band of Outsiders anyone?). But rest assured, whatever your position is, Gallows is a fine piece of work, top ta bottom. It's filled with all sorts of goodies and coolness that you'd eggspect from a highly acclaimed ye olde Frenchie film, like booty-ful B&W cinematography, hottie arsed French mademoiselles, a Mile Davis score, plenty of ciggy smoking, and in this case, a dude trapped in an elevator! OH SNAP! This is an elevator you'll want to ride to the top. Just make sure you hold the 'Door Open' button so others can join you.

Recommended for those who like: watching French chicks walk, German tourists, and Otis

Possible Porno Name: My Elevated Shaft In Your Swallows

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Rififi


The Exorcism of Emily Rose
Don't You Mean The Court Case of Emily Rose?
View Trailer

It's only been a week since I've seen this film, but what I remember isn't that memorable. That's not to say that this isn't worth seeing, but if I didn't write any of this down, this flick would surely pass through my memory banks like other decent, yet standard fare as Spy Game, First Knight, and Primary Colors. The marketing is misleading. The people looking for an Exorcist type scarefest are going to be a bit disappointed, unless of course courtroom dramas give you the willies. And that's what we gots here: a based on a true story account of a priest who performed a botched exorcism is being tried for the death of the exorcisee (is that a word?). While the fright level is set to a minimum (all thru flashbacks), and were basically left with a play by play court battle for the priest's life, the movie does try to raise questions about exorcisms and what are we to believe based on our faiths. I'm sorry, where were we? I completely forgot what movie we were talking about...

Recommended for those who like: Campbell Scott avec mustache, knowing that Campbell Scott is George C Scott's son, and KLF's '3AM Eternal' [d-lode]

Possible Porno Name: The Extra Jizzum of Emily Rosey Palms and The Five Fingers

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Primal Fear


Cry_Wolf
Underscore 1, My Prejudices 0
View Trailer

I am a prejudice moviegover. There, I said it. But who isn't? Who can go into a movie with no objectivity and let the pictures roll by. I'm no Will Smith fan, so I stayed away from Hitch. Now whether matchmaker met his match is any good or not, I'll never know, but I don't care cause I like to relish in my pre-judging. Enter Cry_Wolf, which looked about as poo-poo as any of the crap-crap coming out of Horrorland USA this past year (Boogeyman, Hide and Seek, The Amityville Horror). Plus it had the audacity to place and underscore in it's title. That's more of a turn off than reading the title Fear Dot Com. BUT ALAS FOLKS, this is more of a woo-whoo and clap-clap horror flick than those mentioned before, and that's kinda saying something for a nay saying something person like meself. Aiiiight, the days of such hotness as the Shining or Rosemary's Baby are mos def dead and done, but this flizz kinda harkens back to the days, and by days I mean the mid to late 90s, when horror movies were actually entertaining us again and not making us wanna run to the next Brandon Fraser romantic comedy. Yeah, the acting is kinda crummy (including you Jon Bon Jovi!), and sure, there aint no nudity or large amount of gore, and fine, there really isn't any reason why I should be championing it so much, but how can you go wrong with a private school setting where all the girls wear skirts and long stockings??? Some say shit on a stick, I say m'YUM. Did I also mention that I LOVED The Island?!!?

Recommended for those who like: AOL IM, EEO casting, and Bill Lumbergh with a British accent

Possible Porno Name: Who's_Afraid_of_Dry_Vagina_Wolf?

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix any Kevin Williamson scripted flick before 2000


# The REEL Deals