Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Saturday, February 26

Nobody's Perfect

then how come cuthy's # wasn't listed on her sidekick?

honey, that there's something about cameron diaz look is so '98


# Nobody's Perfect

Friday, February 25

Non-US Wide Jokes.comorgtv

- Before my Thighs were Wide Shut, and even before my Non-US ladies were all Hottied up, I used to write quite a lot for my boys over at InsideJoke.TV. But now that I'm such a huge superstar blogjay, I have less and less time for my old compadres. However, I will never forgot all that they have done for me, like paying me in hamburgers, so I always throw back some love when I can. And my latest contribution is the most brilliant thing you've ever read that has the word 'gopher' in it. I present to you, my qwikie guide to winning your Oscar Pool: Million Dollar Maybes. Maybe it will even help yer chances of beating me in my pool, which u still need to sign up for (group id 'Thighs R Us', password 'cuthbert'). U can even PayPal me the $10 entry fee! How easy is that? And if I win, I promise I'll become like all the other cool people and get meself an iPod.

- Here's a pic of HRT the II with my giant boner stabone towering in the background. Big ups to my best friend Balthazar Getty who snapped this... although I'm so sick of him putting his name all up on his pics.

i'm glad her kabuki theater look was juss a passing phase

- How great was The OC lass noche? Peter Gallagher AND his eyebrows gettin into trouble, better girl on girl action, Spiderman refs, and the peace the fork outtings of two of my least flavorite characters, Lindsay & Zach! And I figure once Marissa's done with her whole lezzie phase, she may take on a whole new animal kingdom.

- Daddy Lohan claims his shenanigans have helped LL's career. Too bad it's another Michael that brought her this far... ME!!

- The teaser of Phil K Dick Linklater's A Scanner Darkly his online. Basically, if you liked Waking Life, yer gonna love this. [via The Bitch]

- Birdneck Paltrow and Chris Boring's love on the rocks? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (s)topp!!

- Things I never thought of doing til Peabs suggested it #5: watch 'The Bicycle Thief on 'ludes and kit kat while getting your ass Edvard Munched upon by Mark Fidrych...'


blonde ambitious


# Non-US Wide Jokes.comorgtv

Thursday, February 24

24 Hour Party People

If you've never been to Europe (unlike me who's been running the joint since '98), you really haven't been to Europe. And playing Risk or Axis and Allies doesn't count. I mean, where else is one going to figure out how great we have it here without trekking outside of it? OK, I wouldn't call visiting the Old Country & Pannekoekenland roughing it, but I wouldn't call it Easy Street either. Did you know that napkins and ice cubes are a luxury over there, the way that hot towels at a restaurant are over here? And consider yerself lucky if you walk out of a restroom (aka loo or water closet) without diaper rash after taking a dump. I would have actually welcomed sand paper instead of the stuff they call toilet paper. And don't even get me started on television programming. Sure, they do have 20+ music video channels and some of the channels are commerish free, but doesn't everyone need a break when they're watching hours of snooker or EastEnders? Sounds like a horrible trip, right? Well, it was the eggzact opposite, cept our mighty dollar got me raped at every ATM. I don't think I had partied this hard since the Harding Administration. Instead of going into play-by-play mode, I'm going to take you there thru the magic of pictures (that are SFW). To hell with my bandwidth!! Maybe I will end up hustling for money in Thompkins Square Park after all!

London, England
Great Britain, United Kingdom
Fri the 18th - Mon the 21st of Feb

They use signs
JUST LIKE WE DO!
heathrow airport, terminal 4 is a dumphole
Brits will not hesitate to say 'my word'
if you look right instead of left

Can it be thighmasterly possible that I've been
devoid of this fine eatsiery for almost 7 years?
order anything on a ciabatta
Open up and say YUM!

There aint nothing like throwing down £2.80 in the middle
of the day for beer that tastes great and is MORE filling
finnegan's wake me up before u go go
and don't even think about tipping the bartender!

Despite the warnings...
what? NEWS to me

Me and my chum Paul..
he's in the Jeovah's Witness Relocation Program
continued to make our lungs
blacker than Michael Jackson

On with the touristy crap...

People pray here
it's St Paul's for those who care
I think they call it a 'church',
but don't ask me, I'm Jewish

This is the famed River Thames
quite fishy
His brother's name is Joaquin Thames

This former powerhouse station...
no, not the one on the pink floyd album cover
...now houses fine modern art.
How mod

Trafalgar Square is the eggzact
center of Central London
it IS hip to be square
And is now almost close to
being rat-with-wings free!
Almost, you bastards

Piccadilly Circus is not a circus
or a pickle or a dilly, yo
wow, NEON LIGHTS!!! what will they spank of next?
It's juss like Times Square
where no one speaks English

The roads here have no rhyme or reason
more black cabs than black people
And have curves as sweet
as Monica Bellucci

On with the debauchery...

This perfectly describes what I
became over a 48-hour period
even geezers need eggcitment
If only Mike Skinner was
here to translate that for us

This is what a French person looks like
i didnt check to see if he shaved his underarms
I hear he prefers Freedom Fries to french fries

This is what a typical English fridge contains
geezers need refreshmint
Who doesn't love the gas-o one
gets from the Old El Paso?

My weekend hosts
i heart u both
Leslie (the greatest actress in the world) & Paulos

And my new bestest friends*
a bunch of carlos boozers
*who by now have probably forgotten my name

Why am I so fat
they thought the browns played in cincinnati
Or why are they so darn skinny?

This is what vomit looks like in a urinal
scrambled eggs or my innards?
Men are so cool

And when the pubs close at 10:30
is that the room or my head spinning?
You have no choice but to party
yer balls off at a club

Would you believe that I hung out with
both Kate Hudson AND Rhys Ifans?
for once, i wasnt the most famous person in the room
[Jude Law and the Queen Mum not pictured]

What's Happening Now?
my eyes are red cause i got the devil in me
Good Times & nuttin but

What's next?
this is kate's greatest role since 'Almost Famous'
Get on the table and
we'll point at your crotch!

And there's always time to trim the hedges
most be a south african thang
Especially when yer phil rissottoxed!

I think it's time to call it a night
good thing i snapped this pic, otherwise i thought i saw 12 moons
It's 6AM and I think my brain
gave up on me hours ago

The morning early evening after
the only thing missing from this pic is the corn on the cob
And no, I am not a member of the Lampe family

Amsterdam
Holland/The Netherlands
Disneyland For Adults/The Greatest Place On Earth
Mon the 21st - Tue the 22nd of Feb

Bike to the future
even poor people in america have better bikes than the dutch
Oy vey, that was a horrible pun

Automatisch for the people
what the fuck is a frush?
I gave myself a Dutch Oven while spoeltting

Off to Wagamama's
some might say best, i say BREASTESTESTIST!!!
(which means 'selfish' in Japanese)

This is slightly better than
my mum's matzoh ball soup
the only other bowl i sparked while in the dam
So why again do they not have W'mamas in NYC?

This is where kids get vondelled
i wonder if this font is known as 'Willy Wonka'
aka Neverland Ranch

This place used to be called Hooters
not one mention of wings, legs, thighs, OR breasts!
But I guess they were forced to change the name

Time 1nce again to become a culture vulture...

Off to The Rijksmuseum
for some Dutch Masters
it effin rijks like Rembrandt in here!
And I aint talkin bout blunts neither

Then goghne to Vince's pad for the nth time
only arabic could make his name look ugly
Be sure to get the audio tour and
listen to how the lady sez 'Arles'

And how could one forget one of the world's
best modern art museums, Het Stedelijk
almost more hi-tech than War Games
Even my finger's shadow is handsome

I was too busy to get a hooker
ha, he said 'must'
Otherwise, I might have
had to think such thoughts

The day's winding down
What to do, what to do?
tesla would be proud
Nuff said

The next 4 hours were a total blur, but I think I inhaled a lot of things

When Stroopwafles Attack!
strooooooooooooooooop!!!
Which btw, are the world's most orgasmic snack

And meet up with our random
Dutch fans like Big Daaaaan!!
we speak the same language: FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!
Who hadn't scarfed a pannenkoeken since he was a tyke!
I told him that Holland should revoke his citizenship

Ham & Cheese PANCAKE!
eat my dick IHOP
Kosher it is not,
redonkeylonkylicious it is

In any language...
dodelijk is SO 1996
I'm going to die

And they sure love their gummies
Bela would be proud
They even sell Jessicatandyden!

If I had any room left in my stomach
I would have at least had a slice at
ray who?
Which is where NYC pizza started, duhvs!
Lest we forget, my fine city was once called New Amsterdam

And the last pic I took probably looks
a lot like what was in my stomach
mess-a-po-tame-e-a
before I puked my guts out
AND sprained my ankle!

This is where our story ends. I did forget to mention that I watched Shall We Dance on the plane. It was so crapawfullatta that I would have rather given myself 100 minutes worth of lemon swirlies in the lavatory. And what did we learn? EUROPE friggaderio rocks and I still have one of the most limited vocabularies of any blogger in the jiggasphere. Now all we have to do is figure a...

good, i was starting to remember too much


# 24 Hour Party People

Punky Brewster's Millions

more PUNK than you!

- I used to have such a pre-pubescent hard on for Soleil Moon Frye, but alas, she reduced her boob size, seduced Kevin Arnold, and disappeared off the face of Uranus. While she hasn't pulled a full-on Barret Oliver, I hadn't seen a pic of her since the early days of the internerd. Anywho, aftering bumbing around on UseMyComputer, I found a few, and I muss say, I'm not too pleased with the 21st Century version. We aint talking reverse boner action here, where one's boner literally goes into the pelvis instead of out (like when I first saw Large Marge in Pee Wee's Big Ad), but she hasn't been keeping up with my joneses. Sure, the cleavage crease does raise my flag a bit, but there's juss something about her look these days that I can't put a penis on. Maybe she's too thin, or her hair's too black, or it could be the denim fetish, but I think it's time to bid her adieu for the rest of my life. I mean, look what became of that lil girl from Troop Beverly Hills! She's still riding down Hottie Lane. So what's your story Sun-Moon Fried? Peace the fork out.

- I wonder why Lohanski always thanks her family in speeches, but omits daddy's name when doing so? Maybe cause he threaten to kill all of them?

- Gawd bless the Oscars for being so dang classy. So dang classy in fact that they've barred Paris, Britney, and Pam from getting anywhere near them! This is an event for Kings and Queens, and even Princes.

- Speaking of her Royal Whoreness, were u wonderwomaning how dem hackers hacked into Paris' T-Mobile account? It really wasn't that difficult a task... hispecially since everyone knows the name of her dog.

- Revenge of the Sith image spoilers are up if you care. [via The D-Dubs]

- Belated b-day wishes to the world's greatest living actress.

- Love to dance AND fight for yer country? Well, apparently America is giving its soldiers ecstasy. Glow sticks not included. [via The Blur]

- Alvin Stardust, star-durst?

- Two heads are better than one? Probs not in this case.

- Anne Hathaway is fed up.

- Re-edit the clizzzasic Psycho shower scene. [via MetaFilts]

- Policeman Bribed With Burgers

- For the record, I have never hustled for money in Thompkins Square Park.

- And what's hottier than pics of Paris with Burt Reynolds? Pics of GIRLS EATING SANDWICHES!!! [via The Golden Child]

UPDATTTTTTTE: Moby to tour. Here be the dates thus far:

Mon 04/11/05 Norfolk, VA - The NorVa
Fri 04/15/05 Philadelphia, PA - Electric Factory
Sat 04/16/05 Boston, MA - Avalon
Tue 05/17/05 Manchester, UK - Carling Apollo Manchester


# Punky Brewster's Millions

Wednesday, February 23

Take A Swim
In My Oscar Pool

oscar de la sucksa
- So I opens my annual Oscar Pool to the public and only 11 of yous signed up? That's mandy moore PATHETIC than Stallone in Oscar!!! Shiz is this Sunday and you better enter or else. CLICK HERE, make yo picks, join the 'Thighs R Us' group with password 'cuthbert', and send me $10!!! Winner spanks all. Truss me, it's fun and you aint gonna beat me.

- Real-life OC porkers, Adam Brodes & Rachel Bill$ have been pleading with the show's writers to keep their characters apart. Then what's the point of even having the Summer character? And btw, who lives in her house? Seems like anyone can juss walk into her room unannounced. And if u didn't see it, The Sports Guy compares the first two seasons of The OC to 90210.

- Even Obi-Wan loathed Episode II.

- Halle Berry to attend the Razzies?

- Tony Kornheiser comes up with the single greatest reason why Laveranues Coles should leave DC: so his computer's spellcheck won't stop every time at his first name. And don't forget, T-K Stack Money and Wilbon will be appearing on Letterman this Thurs and then the deadly combo of Ricky Gervais and Rachael Ray on Fries. Thanks to Spence for the following...

not even paula abdul could corey-o-graph something this goo

- The modern-day KITT?

- Who's the latest and greeeediest Lohan of them all? Gran-ma-ma Lohan.

- Peace the FORK out to punter extraordinaire Reginald Roby & mummy-loving terrorist Navi Araz. This gif's for both of yous...

bless u laing sack of shit for creating this!!


# Take A Swim
In My Oscar Pool

Tuesday, February 22

News To Me

What a long and strange binge it's been, but yer humble mumbler is back stateside and happy to return to the land of quality hamburgers and infotainment. I'll have a full up-wrap of my Eurotrip... juss as soon as I can remember what happened. But as 'they' say, the blog muss go on!!! Sorry if you've seen any of the below info before, but hey, it's Newzzz To Me.

- Where can you see Her Royal Thighness the II run in a sweaty white tee? Nope, not this season of 24, but what is sure to be this summer's hummer, The House of Wax. More like House of YES!! Too bad there's already a movie called that. Peep the BRAN new trailer here!

how many wax on, whack off jokes can i possib blee make?

- Speaking of House of Arse, did you see Paris' NSFW camera phone pics yet? Neither did I til The Drunken Stepmaster brought them to my attention.

- Sideways is boosting sales of pinot noir. I wonder what tis doing to Merlot sales? Whatta ya say Miles?

- That fat kid dancing to the Romanian techno song isn't from Holland after all, but from dirty Jersey? [via Double D]

- My girl, Anna Chlumsky, apparently NOT smoking cak for nickels!! [via Dog of Landers]

- The Saturday Night Fever disco dancefloor is going up for auction. If Gene Siskel were still breathing, you think he would have snatched it up to go along with his prized possession: Tony Manero's in-famous white suit?

- Twats slightly more funnierisitic than Ghost Dad? The National Women's Football Association. Big ups to ex-Skin Brian Mitchell for being named as the Assistant GM of my new mos flavorite team, the DC Divas! [via Juwanamaker]

- How many segments do you think eggisist of Andy Rooney complaing about adverts? Dunno, but lettuce juss say it's more than one.

- Belated Peace The Forkage outtage to Twin Peaks' man who pretended to be forked the peace out, Andrew Packard, and the crash-test dummy inventor (and no, not of the 'Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm' variety)

- 70s & 80s Hand Held Arcade Games

- Ukulele Books

- In news that I'm sure would even make Michael Jackson sick to his stomach: A 2 year-old girl has been selected to marry a 40 year-old man! [via Guns n Rosenthal]

- Who can turn a proper noun into a verb like it was nobody's Better Business Bureau? Why, Peabs of course who 'has been one to spasm-jasm my spyro-gyra into Elmira's coffee (she takes it black; muhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!) and shat toffee into David Klingler's Debra Winger.'

And although it's closer to this Friday than last...


the most successsful lookin band 'spot the drummer' has ever had


# News To Me

Monday, February 21

Fear & Forking
The Peace Out In Vega$

Juss cause I'm in Amsterdamage, doesn't mean I can neglect my blogbligation...

Hunter S. Thompson
Write In Peace Dr. Fozzie!
pop (t)art
1937 - 2005

&

Look @ Me
I'm
Sandra Dee

i bet she always had perky nepals
1942 - 2005

Sorry that Keyser Soze made a whorerrific biopic about yer husband and cast Kate Boozeworth to play you. Anywho, to be honest Sandy, since this is probably the last time we'll ever speak, I always wanted to tell you that I was a huge fan of The New Gidget ('86-88), which didn't even star you. The new Gidget, Caryn Richman, and her screen daughter, Sydney Penny, double-handedly got me thru my early stages of puberty (ages 9-11).

bitch blanket plinko


# Fear & Forking
The Peace Out In Vega$