Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Friday, December 17

Cropp, In The Name of Love


the BLOW man group?


- Linda W. Cropp is the new Hitler. But maybe DC's better off without baseball anyway. That way I can go back to being a hater and the city can go back to being Skins Country.

- Oh crap, if I ever want to win Her Former Royal Thighness' heart back, I better get meself a car! I'm thinking she'd love to roll around town in a pimped-out LeCar. But she probably doesn't have time for me anymore since her debut album hit #4 on Billboard's chart! Wow? Who knew that so many Americans had such little taste! And many of you have sent this to me and I'm sure you've seen it all over the internets anywhoitz, but here u goes: Lohan Got Some Big Ole Tittties (NSFW).

- Lisa Marie to sell off Elvis' name and image for around 100mil. I'll sell my name and image for 50 bucks if anyone wants it. [via The Medicine Man]

- Paris 'too lazy' to have sex.

- Albarn & Coxon perform in the same place and the same night, but not together.

- Paul Mc may use a Les Paul, be he may also use Lee's Press On Nails too!

- Boo.

- And the first Oscar of 2005 goes to...

- After last week's touching piece, Steve Hartman has returned to lameland. The guy is like the Jimmy Fallon of news reporting.

- Tickets already on sale for The Twin Peaks Fest. With a few weddings next summer, I may have to wait til 2006.

- The eye in the sky is a perv. [via Sistah Sistah]

- Make McDonald's filet-o-fish right in yer own kitchen. Microwaved fish? Forking dissssssssgusting! [via Ask Yaz]

- I don't think my sister would have been able to live in any age prior to WWI. The stench would have killed her.

- Get yer 'I Heart Fags' ashtrays right here! [via Popbitch]

- For the last time, I DON'T want a Redskins Christmas stocking with John Smith's name on it. We broke up ages ago and you people juss won't let it die.

- And to close up shoppe for the day, I juss wanna say that despite all the hotties than inhabit The O.C. and my wet dreams, me thinks me mos flavorite character and actor on the show has gots to be Caleb/Alan Dale (not this Alan Dale). The dude owns and forks everything. Plus I'd bone any of his offspring and stepchildren (and maybe him too). Not only that but he looks like the lovechild of that ultra creepy guy from Beverly Hills Cop The I and that ultra creepy German dude named Udo. Anywho, can you bee-leave C-Love/Alan to the mutter fudging D once had hair? Here's the proof Ruth!

let me be yer sugar honey and u can be my daddy!


# Cropp, In The Name of Love

Thursday, December 16

My Very Late Homework Assignment

Closer
With This & That Baby With No Face Running Thru My Head, I'm Never Having Sex Again!
View Trailer

who doesn’t like their meat a lil bit pink?
Men are such bastards and women are utter biznitches. And no movie in my recent memory banks exemplifies that statement better than this one, (mos def) one of the YEAR'S BREASTEST!! Starting with The Graduate and coming full circle with his latest joint Closer, Mike Nichols perfectly examines the complex nature of humans and our forked up relationships we have with one another. I felt the same sort of shame and guilt for Natalie Portman's character Alice as I did for Dustin Hoffman's Benjamin Braddock. And the two movies may be distant cousins in terms of plot, but the driving force behind both of them is in the actors' willingness to open up and pour out the emotions. Jude Law, in what must be his 17th film of the year, is eggceptional in the role of Dan, Portman's selfish lover who always has his eye out for greener pastures/bacon strips. But the real scene stealer here, besides Natalie's batty crease, is Clive Owen. He goes from being the world's happiest chap, to down in the shitters, to manipulating assjerk, all in less than two hours! Mr O made a huge splash in the lil '98 gem known as Croupier, but since had been starring in crap that no one saw AND whoring himself out to those Jerry Bruckheimeresque BMW mini-flicks. Well, hello world, wake up and smell the Clivemiester cause he has just arrived at A-list land!! You all OWE(n) him yer attention and yer paying monies at the box office. I'd also like to mention that I broke one of my two personal movie jihads in the process of vidying this DELI-icous film: never see a Julia Roberts movie. I mean, I had to see how it was possible for two men to be in the love with the same woman, even if she looks like Falkor! Did I mention Porty's batty crease?

Recommended for those who like: poll dancing hotties, large photographs, and Jude Law looking like a total prick.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Mike N's other 4 person relationship hell-a-thon, Carnal Knowledge.

Bad Education
Is This Is Bad, I'm Dying To See His Good Education!
View Trailer

men behavin badly
We are all very lucky that we live in the times of Pedro Almodóvar. It's like having our own French Wave, but without all the jump cuts, cigarette smoking, and French people. The man is a not a filmmaker, but an arteeeeest (not as in Ron Artest, mind you)! His films are large canvases in which he paints vividly colorful broad strokes of life slices... slices that include raping nurses, trannies, and all sorts of Spanish oddballs. The man loves men, but he loves the beauty of women even more. But in Bad Education, he leaves the ladies behind for a more personal and intimate look about childhood, baddie priests, and life as a filmmaker (or should that read arteeeeeeest?). Many compare this work to that of Hitchcock's thrillers and they're bloody right! Why you can't even appreciate the multi-layerednessness of the plot until hours after you left the theater. And to me, that’s the sign of a franztastic movie.

Recommended for those who like: man ass, man love, and priests who sing 'Moon River' to children.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Hitch's mos eggsalad Vertigo.

The Motorcycle Diaries
Easy On The Eyes Rider
View Trailer

ride captain, ride!
If you were to see one Gael García Bernal (GGB, as I like to call em) film this winter, make it Bad Education. But if yer looking for him to keep his clothes on and not wear make-up, than this is the one for you! GGB plays Ernesto 'Che' Guevara in his free-wheelin' salad days, years before he got all guerrilla and became an icon that would later be used on a Rage Against The Machine t-shirt. Joining him on this sojourn is his best mustached friend, Alberto Granado. Together they go up and down South America searching for love and what their purpose in life is. After a lot of riding, boozing, and dancing, the two encounter the mistreatment of native Americans and also help some lepers. After these experiences, an epiphany strikes young Che, setting the path to his future and place in history. A beautiful film that only fails in one respect: you want to see where Che goes from there. I guess there's still hope for sequel, Motorcycle Diaries 2: Che Lets His Hair Down... then again it wasn't made in Hollywood.

Recommended for those who like: medical students, people with missing body parts, and hearing the words 'Machu Picchu'.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix El Norte.

A Very Long Engagement
Unfortunately, The Theater Engagements Probably Won't Last Long
View Trailer

audrey tautou you!
Like Almodóvar, Jean-Pierre Jeunet is an arteeest that we're lucky to have. If only America had such visionaries as these guys, we'd be in a lot better shape... unless David Fincher comes back from his nap with something good! JPJ doesn't explore our world, he lets us explore his. And for our benefit, it aint always the same world time and time again (Wes Anderson seems to inhabit only one world). Engagement's world deals in pre, during, and post WWI France, and the scenery is so pristine and gorgeous that you'd wish they sold post cards in the theater's lobby. Basically, this movie is worth seeing just for the production design alone! But there's much more here than just purty pictures! Like a tragic love story that ties all the characters together (many of them mustached). Think JPJ's own Amélie meets Kubey's Paths of Glory. And whiles yer at it, think yerself over to the theater and see this NOW!

Recommended for those who like: staring at Audrey Tattoo’s anime eyes, French mustaches, and seeing Jodie Foster (yes, that JF) getting boned!

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Paths of Glory fo sho!

The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou
Movie Overbored
View Trailer

sad to say, but this baby is lost at sea
Tsk, tsk, tsk Mr Anderson. This is how you follow-up yer melon collie and infinite sadness/greatness that is The Royal Tenenbaums? Did you conjure up this story whilst taking a dump? Well that’s how I sorta felt after I left the theater, dumped upon. Now I'm not saying this movie is shit, cause I still need to see it 173245123475 more times before coming to that conclusion, but c'mon, this is a step backwards, not forwards into yer (hopefully) long and tuck everlasting career. All the Wes Anderson touches and comforts that we all know and love are well in place: dysfunctional Salingeresque characters played by Hollywood's finest, his kitschy kitschy bon-bon style and design, killer soundtrack, and Bill Murray, but that’s basically all surface, and nothing underneath. Its like watching The Simpsons these days, where everything looks and feels familiar, but you know you've seen better from them before. One of my major gripes is that a lot of stuff 'happens', but basically nothing happens. You don't ever develop a relationship with the characters like you do in his previous films. You can't cause they're too busy showing you how cool the Zissou boat is or what the gang would look like if they were fighting Asian pirates (don't ask). Anywho, there is still much to love and appreciate as Anderson is our best hope for American cinema's future. I hispecially like how he cast Bud Cort (Harold of Harold and Maude) in a minor role, which felt like he was paying homage to the 70s movies that influenced him. But you know there's something just plain wrong when the only thing I thought about post-screening is where I can score some Team Zissou Adidas kicks (no luck so far)!

Recommended for those who like: City of God's Knockout Ned, Willem Dafoe kicking it German again, and topless women.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix any of Wes' other works!

The Incredibles
Is It Too Late To Rename It The UMcredibles?
View Trailer

she's replaced jessica rabbit as my cartoon HJ partner
Within one group of reviews I broke both of my movie jihads. The second being seeing any cartoons (occupational hazard, don't want to talk about it). But boy o boy am I glad I laid down my rocket launchers and saw this! For those who love Brad Bird's The Iron Giant or never saw it, this is how animation and storytelling should be! You won't find any sappy animals being all sad and stizz cause their moms got shot by a hunter or any awful Nathan lane musical numbers here. What you will find is 100% fun fun fun (50% killer action, 40% Elastigirl hotness, and 10% Craig T Nelson!). That be so much fun, that yer daddy will take the t-bird away. This is the breastest American animated feature I've seen since Toy Story 2. Yep, green ogres don't do it for me. Neither do fish or the band Phish, so I pray they don't ever make a musical cartoon, or reform for that matter. I think Jamie Foxx's performance in Ray and this are locks for Oscar statuettes.

Recommended for those who like: Zorro masks, TV's Coach, and a movie that looks like but isn't Sky Captain And The World of Tomorrow.

Unsatisfied with this? You won't be, juss go and see it for Chisssssakes!

Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason
Keeping Up With The Joneseses
View Trailer

hey, at least its not puck!
Many have trashed this film for just being more of the same Bridget Joneseseses hijinks, but isn't that eggzactly what we want in a sequel of this type? As my AP European History teacher once said, 'If it aint baroque, don't fix it.' And I'm glad they didn't. Pufferfish/Renee is back as tubby mcgee, but this time she's got the man, the always reserved/always charming Colin Firth, in her hands. But of course with Bridget, she overanalyzes and thinks Colin doesn't want her cause she's a pufferfish and his assistant is the uber-hot Jacinda from Real World: London! Embarrassing moments ensue, throw in some seduction from Hugh Grant, predictable ending occurs and dat's what I call pure entertainment folks! However, towards the end, the movie jumped the shark when Bridge lands in a Thai prison and sings 'Like A Virgin' with a bunch of 14(?)-year-old prostitutes!!! Oh the horror!!! Or should that read, oh the whorer!!!

Recommended for those who like: traveling, girls with puffy cheeks, and pig shit.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Love Actually.

Overnight
How NOT To Succeed In Bidness
View Trailer

look at me, i'm a jackass!!
How many of us will ever get our dream script sold or land a recording deal for or phat band? Probably none of us (eggcept you should hear the demos of my band the Hi-Hats, where the only instruments we play are hi-hat drums... we can even freestyle without the drums). So can you imagine landing both of those prizes in one shot? Well, that’s what really happened to Boston bean-head turned LA bartender Troy Duffy. Not only that but, he got Harvey Weinstein to throw in the bar that he worked for! Now you gotta be something special to be in that kinda position, eh? Well, problem is, Scruffy McDuffy lets it all go to his head and in turn divides his friends and becomes nemesis to Harvey and Mirabest. Not a good thing if you ever want to make it in del biz. This documentary that documents his minor ascent and heavy downfall is a muss c for anyone itching to get in the bidness. You may decide to give up on yer dream and go to law school. Good thing it wasn't in theaters long, cause this is mo suitable for the home entertainment system.

Recommended for those who like: Massholes, cocky mutherstickers from Boson, and Harvey haters.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Startup.com.

National Treasure
Our Founding Fathers Are Shitting In Their Graves
View Trailer

jerry SUCKheimer does it again!
Lame. Stoopid. Redonkeylous. Yep, that pretty much sums it up. When people see Ron Howard's adaptation of Da Da Vinci Code, they're gonna think that its such a rip-off of this Nic Cage gag-me-with-a-spoon-a-thon (actually, the script for Treasure was written well before Dan Brown's book). Too bad this movie is all fun and no brain, unlike Da Vinci which is tons of brain AND tons of fun. Please don't see this crap, unless you want to larf yer a$$ of at the lil things like Sean Bean/Borimir playing a good guy turned bad for the nth time or Harvey Keitel playing a police chief who wears denim shirts! Tripe on a stick! Stay away at all costs.

Recommended for those who like: really old documents, crap on a stick, Ben Franklin's good name being crapped on.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Indidna Jones and The Last Crusade, since its basically the same eggzact movie.

Till next time, the balcony is clothed!


# My Very Late Homework Assignment

Wednesday, December 15

Blathering Blatherskite

something wicked this way cums
- Harry Pothead is too em-bare-assed of his younger self to watch the first film. I bet he prefers watching The Prisoner of Azkaban cause Hermione's ever-developing boobs make his broom stick straight up!

- Colin Fuzzybrows did NOT bone Lohan. I'm sure that makes Disney happy since they don't want her to get nekkid.

- Puffer face and Jacky W gone splittsville for good?

- Eagles coach Andy Reid's rules the world and all he gets is this lousy cake?

- 'Give me a weapon of mass affection...' Boy o boy indeed! [via Ceffle via Metafilter]

- Who will be Biography's person of the year? Tune in tonight @ 8pm EST. Honestly, it should be Lohanski. No one has had a year like she has... besides me and the many nip/boob slips we've seen.

- The Ring Two looks like a major boo. This just in, scissors AREN'T scary!

- Wanna dress like Ali G? Ya missed yer chances!

- Here be some vids to pass the time: Mariko Takahashi's Fitness Video and Ouch. [via Del Roachclip]

- And yes, someone out there actually wasted their time creating a url dissing Gizmoduck.


# Blathering Blatherskite

Tuesday, December 14

Munching Carpet Samples

are those bacon strips that i smell in yer future?
- The O.C. juss upped the ante on its own uber-hotness: Marissa Barfon to embark on a thespian lesbian relationship with poor man's Jenna Jameson/Seth's crush, Olivia Wilde!!!! Good, maybe after the donuts bounce a few times, Jenna J Lite will get run over by a bus or get shot by the manager of The Arcade Fire at the Bait Shop! [via Seeking Iron-E]

- Speaking of slurping tuna tacos... Ellen DeGeneres has stolen Ringo Starr's step-daughter's lesbian lover! And for good reason, it's Portia de Rossi!

- Colin Farrell and Lindsay Lohan banging? Their children would have the creamiest of thighs and the nastiest of eyebrows.

- Google now has the ability to read your mind! [via Cubicle Hater]

- I thought I'd never live to see the day that Blockbuster dumps its late fees!

- Man breaks marathon record... on a treadmill! [via Mr Poon]

- Practice saying this before you order one: Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper. [via the Erect Donkeys]

- X-Entertainment supplies grrrrrreat holiday adverts of ye olden thymes.

- Take your magnifying glass, and go burn stuff up! Sounds like a bad Limp Bizkit song, eh? [via Ciffle Ceffle Caviffle]

- On January 5th at the Museum del Moving Image, there will be a special screening of A Very Long Engagement, followed by a discussion with its director, Jean-Pierre Jeunet (Amelie, City of Lost Children). Call (718) 784-4520 for tickets ($18 public/$12 Museum members).

- Michelle's franztastic review of last week's ep of Desperate Housewives reminds me how lazy I've become. Anyone yearn for the days when I'd write 4 billion trillion (+ or - a trillion) words about Webster and Vanilla Ice instead of microwaved tunafish?

- Wanna be a Green Bay Packer shareholder? Well, yer probably too late, but here's the history of it.

- Surgeons remove 90 metal objects, including keys, screw drivers, and nails, from a 22-year-old's stomach!

- And since there hasn't been any Cuthy Cuthbertenson news for ages, I'm going to make some up: Cuthbert Admits That She Loves Thigh Master More Than Corn AND PORN!

porn on the cob?

Add ons...

- The Pixies definitely rock, but they are so borrrrrrrrring in concert. The fake trees they have holding the lights have more stage presence than they do. At least I still have the fond memories of their Coahcella performance... when I downed 15 chocolate-covered-frozen-banananananas.

- I'm back rockin Atkins and losing weight, so therefore I eat more MacDougals than Morgan Spurlock. Last nite after demolishing 3 double cheeseburgers, Megbot and I wondered what the buns tasted like without the meat. We tooks some bites (but no swallows) and they still taste just like a McDonald's burger. And I thinks to meself, what a wonderful world.


# Munching Carpet Samples

Monday, December 13

No Dave Butz About It

whats next? cat butt THE MOVIE?
- The biggest hit at the Thigh Master's family Channanaunaukah brunch besides the Latkes had to be Cat Butt Gum. Nothing sez Judaism more than chewable felines' anus. Anywho, Mumsy seemed to enjoy the lil thangs I got for her, and hopefully popsy will have the nerve to rock his Manischewitz® tee in public. On the receiving end, me was pretty happy to getz a new pair of 180s ear muffs and the $40 A Day book. Think these gifts blow? Oh yeah, well Hannaunankah does too! At least le fam del Thigh Master are Jamaica bound and gagged in a couple o weeks time! Thank Gawd AND the Maccabees!!

- The Golden Globes, the mostest pointless awardses, have announced their nominations. Still, it is a nice to see someone recognize the amazingness that is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

- A baby is born with no face (pussies need not click). [via Victor Newborski]

- Andy Rooney: CBS News Anchor?

- This guy can't be fo real. [via Z de la R]

- Last minute holiday shopping: Rocky statue or some Star Wars locks of hair. [via the I-Train]

- Carl's Jr to add a hamburger w/fried egg to their breakfast line-up. Will the bigger guns follow suit? But more importantly, when will MacDougal's start selling their hash browns all day? [via Made of Brawnsteeee]

- And the breastest headline I've read in awhile be: Lindsay Lohan's Huge Thighs Are Responsible For Her Weight Loss! Huge are not, in her thighs, we lust!!


# No Dave Butz About It

Sunday, December 12

A to Zissou

- Will the reel Steve Zissou please stand up. Seriously, there is a real person named Steve Zissou. And if yer last name happened to be Focker, you could have won a free vacation, aka a Focker Family Reunion, on behalf of Universal Pictures.

this is a harder search than searching for bobby fischer
- Also in the world of Zissou... My attempts at finding Team Zissou Adidas kicks have hit a bump in the rhode. The Life Aquatic site's store claims they offer said shoes, but have no more available. I have gone ahead and contacted Adidas to see if they have any, so stick around my Thighlettes!

- Did I mention that Zissou kinda sounds like Isuzu. And who the fork ever buys an Isuzu anymore? I mean, you know things are ruffer than a cats tongue when you gotta resurrect Joe Isuzu from his sarcophagus!

- One last Zissou thing... only cause I love using the word 'Zissou'... I'm willing to give the movie another go after being disappointed by my round 1 viewing. Maybe I'm missing something or I was juss too nervous during World Premiere screening cause I thought that Scott Rudin was going to eat me or buy the rights to my next bowel movement.

Non-Zissou related items start... NOW!!!

- Jeopardy!'s ratings plummet without Ken Jennings. DUH! Good, cause us Trebek groupies don't want you watching our umcredible show anymore anywayz anyhow anywho anywhere anythat anywhy and sometimes y. Switch off your brain and go back to watching Wheel of Boring.

- The monkey man himself, Ian Brown comes to town/Webster Hell on Saturday February 26. Eggspect him to throw out some Stone Roses jounks during the show. Tix are $30 and can be purchased here.

- Bored? Watch.

- Following up with a story reported months back, the Vermonster man who's home was overran by his herd of 300 goats just won permission to move them out of the state. I guess that means the poor old man will be forced to return to the old ways of gettin his doug jolleys on: masturbatin'.

- The Pasadena City College Courier (yes, one of the finest publications in all the world) claims that Stereogum is run by man named Steve Stereogum. Thats news to me, but maybe Steve is the new Scott. Anywho, Steve has recently gone Lohan CRAZY! Guess I'm out of a job, eh?

- Well I guess not, cause you know this is still yer one stop shop for all things Her Former Royal Thighness the I. Tweaking of... LL opens up about someone more troubled than her, her father: "I love my father very much, whatever he does. I don't respect what he's doing, but he's always been there for me and I love him. I don't do drugs and don't approve of drugs." Pish pah sweetits! That's not what you said when we were hitting our four foot bong and blowing lines off of prostitutes' breasts ala RoboCop! Anwyho, she took time out of her bizzy schedule of crying over pictures of Fez and blowing lines off of prostitutes' breasts ala RoboCop to make an appearance at Z100's Jingle Ball. Can you bee leave she was in the same building as Fez's new supposed love trAshlee Simpson AND rival Hilary Duff?!?!?! Now dem be some catfights people would pay per view to see!! Below is a pic I snapped of LL and her new background singers. It was DESTINY that brought them together.

bootyvicious!
more pics from Ball here


# A to Zissou