Thighs Wide Shut

Friday, October 29

Not Yer Average Joe Friday

- And how bout some Photoshop Phriday phun!!

- What's grosser than gross? I guess anything over 144, but the fact that this girl, who used to work in my office, is doling out costume sex advice. YUCKIKES!!! [via Tim Werespanko/Ram Her Cruisemanko]

- The film I'm dying to see is I, Curmudgeon. No, this isn't the sequel to some overbloated Will Smith movie, but a documentary featuring interviews with such bastards as comic booker Harvey Pekar, Kid In The Hall Scott Thompson, and the greatest of them all, Andy Rooney. It plays next Thursday in Minny Appleous as a part of the Get Real Docuementary Film Festival.

- Straight Doper Cecil Adams always has an answer to the most random of questions. This week's queries: Have we ever had a killer in the White House? & What happens to all the stuff that goes down the toilet?

- Translate any url into Ali G-nese. When you apply dis to TWS, yer brain will explode. [via The Thinker]

- One thing I've always wanted to do since moving to NYC during Halloween, but still won't get the chance cause I is DC bound this weekend: Legend Weekend in the Sleepy Hollow hiz-area

- Many Bothans died to bring you Bush's debate notes. [via Dickie Greenleaf]

- Moby is a wuss.

- Poor poor Rip Torn.

- If you see one movie this weekend, or for that matter, this year, GO SEE Ray. Read our glowing review here where we basically guaranteed that Jamie Foxx will win the Best Actor Oscar. I'll really be shocked if he doesn't.

- And here's a great site of crap where I nicked this fantab animated gif

Added final note #1...
The breastest Bitched @ Swirth I've seen in awhile is HERE, from dem fine Whiney Sea Folk!!! [via Spence For Hires Root Beer]

Added final note #2...
Czech out this krizazy stat (via CBS) that Joey Sack o' Nickel reminded me of: Since voters elected Franklin Roosevelt to his first of four terms in 1932, the Redskins have forecast the next president of the United States. Over the past 18 elections, a Redskins victory in their last home game before Election Day has preceded a victory by the incumbent party. A home loss before the vote has preceded a loss by the incumbent party. The Redskins play host the Green Bay Packers in Week 8 on Sunday. Well don't worry cause the Redskins WILL win, cause I'll be at the game, and so will JFKerry. Thinker seems to agree since this is the year of the Masshole. And juss for shiz and biggles, the Skins were the last team to beat los Pats, and I was at that game too! The Daniel should give me season tickets for being the squad's lucky rabbit foot!!
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Thursday, October 28

The Triplets Wellville

- Welcome back from the hospital Lohandjob! Now move your stinking crap out of the Thighland Palace or I'll Ask Jeeves to do it for you.

- Stephen King may look like a nutbag, but he's wise beyond his looks. On his list of Pet Peeves of 2004, he said 'For every pretty, talented Elisha Cuthbert there is a Paris Hilton (and her little dog, too).' Notice that he mentioned that she was pretty first, talented second. He did however neglect to mention that any woman worthy of succeeded LL as Her Royal Thighness is worthy or having a religion founded in her honor: The Church of Latter Day Cuthberts.

- Johnny Depp + Kef Richards = future UMCREDIBLEness!! Speaking of Mob Depp, here's the first look at him as Willy Wonks. [2nd item via ProductShoppppppppe]

- Get yer Ashlee Simpson limited edition iPods here! [via Megbot]

- (juss in case u missed it) Bush gives the finger video & animated gif styles! [via Guns n' Rosenthal & Ultrahottie respectively]

- Has Ben Affleck officially replaced Carrot Top as box office poison king? (hat tip to Norm MacDonald)

- Fatboy Slim is going on a lil mini-US tour. Tix already on sale for the following dates:
Nov 10 @ Toronto Film Studios, Toronto (duh!)
Nov 12 @ Metro, Chi-Town
Nov 13 @ Drive-In Studios, NYC
Dec 7 @ The Premier, Seattle
Dec 8 @ Natural History Museum, LA
Dec 10 @ Mezzanine, San Franny
Dec 11 @ Forest Theater, Dallas

- Moby to release two albums next March: one full o' songs, the other all ambient stizz. But when is he gonna stop being boring?

- Ed Wood's final film unearthed. Maybe it should have stayed there.

- David O. Selznick gets a star on the Hollywood Walk o' Fame... 40 years after he dies. Did you know the 'O' actually stands for NOTHING!

- There's so much to enjoy on Daunte Culpep's website, like the ill na-na beats or the info contain under the 'Whassup?' section.

- Why does IU and Purdukie always have to make everything a competition?

- Not like you needed an eggcuse to watch Don Francisco do his thang on this fin de semana's edition of Sabado Gigante!

- Now not be a good time to be a hippie soccer player in Iran.

- My mostest flavoristic dwarf actor of all time, Peter Dinklage is engagded to theater director Erica Schmidt! CONGRATSu-f-in-lations my man!!! [via NY Daily News]

- Didn't Ali Shaheed Muhammad from A Tribe Called Quest die in the car accident along with Zach Morris, aka Mark-Paul Gosselaar? Apparently not since he just released a solo album. [via Joe E Tartar]

- Beloveded Trainspotting bar to be saved.

- Why are British people called "limeys"?

- Allergic cat haters will soon be allowed to visit the Thigh Master's rents house with ease! [via The Thinker]

- Grambs has Twenty Word Movie Reviews (currently under construction), but for those with even worse cases of ADD, how bout Four Word Reviews?

- EaglesHaveNeverWonTheSuperBowl.com [via My Man Marvkus]

- This Saturday, Roctober 30th at the Museum of TV & Radio in NY catch all 13 Simpsons Halloween eps starting at 12:30pm [via The Henry Scollins Band]

- What's the word of the year YOU were born? Naff all dat!

- Don't adjust yer TV set, er, um computer monitor.

- For those who aren't in the know, the mos ultimate teen show on telly be Smallville. It's like The OC with super powers and even co-stars a Duke from Hazzard county. While everyone including Clark Kent salivates over the fine Lana Lang, the real tang o' poon that everyone should be boning for is that of uber-hotness Chloe Sullivan, aka Allison 'The' Mack. I leave you with eggzibit A which will surely help get her inducted to the Thigh Master's Hall of Jizz in Cleavage, OHio...

[pic love via Pakulashaker]
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Kidman-Tested
Mother-Disapproved

Birth
aka Sean of the Dead
View Trailer

Nicole Kidman's husband croaks. Ten years later she's all set to get married again, until the day a 10 year old (non precocious) boy shows up at her door claiming to be her dead husband Sean. At first she dismisseseses this as a crude joke, but the lil boy seems to know his shit about the days of their lives and juss won't let her be. Eventually Nic Kid finds herself falling, yes falling, for the kid. On paper this movie sounds more recockulus than the BoSox winning a World Series, but movies aren't watched on paper, they're watched in theaters, and it was (love) actually believable on screen. And snot only that, but yer humble mumbler, The Thigh Master Blaster, attended the North American pre-shmear screening with Kidman and co-star Lauren Bacall in tow! With so much star power in the room, they had to shut down 50 blocks of Manhattan. Anywho, while some in the audience were bored to tears, I found it to be one of the most entrancing movies I've seen in awhile. So entrancing, that I often found my hand stroking my chin in pensive thought. It was directed with a crisp and slow-paced style by music video whiz Jonathan Glazer (Radiohead's 'Karma Police' and Blur's 'The Universal) that was reminiscent of Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut (no relation to this site ;). There was also one scene in particular when Kidman's fiancé flips his lid and attacks the lil boy Sean in front of a group of socialites. This reminded me of the scene in Kubrick's Barry Lyndon where the title character is provoked by his stepson and lunges on him in front of a group of socialites, thus shredding his standing in society. Now I aint saying Glazer is the next Kubrick, especially since the ending left much to be resolved, but there's enuff here for me to give it semi-high marks. Them things include: Nic's Mia Farrow's pixie do ala Rosemary's Baby, an egggggsalad score, the return of Anne Heche, the fact that they gave me free popcorn, and casting one of my favorite lil known Non-Us-Hotties Cara Seymour in the role of Sean's mum.

Recommended for those who like: seeing snow in Central Park, Peter Stormare with an American accent, and lil boys in bathtubs.

Unsatisfied with this? See p.s., as it looks like the same movie!

Sideways
2 Bottles Away From Being Amazing
View Trailer

Lettuce compare this movie to a bottle of wine since it's pretty much the co-star of the entire film. At first we admire the label. Some ooohs and ahs come to mind when you see that its from writer/director Alexander Payne's vineyard. We should expect sensible and heartfelt characters in situations that we can all easily relate to. Then you notice that it stars Paul Giamatti. Even butter!! I mean anyone whose work ranges from Pig Vomit to Harvey Pekar is a friggin character actor and a 3/4ths! So we uncork the bottle, pour a teentsy bit into our glasses, sniff and take a small taste aka get a feel for the flick. Our two proton-agonyists, down on his luck Pig Vomit and lothario actor Lowell Mather from TV's Wings, head off for a week of wine and golf before Lowell gets all hitched at stuff (don't worry, a 10 year old girl doesn't arrive claiming to be his dead wife). But Lowell has some other ideas on how to spend his last week and he won't let Pig Vomit's depression stand in his way. Basically he's going to replace the golf with girls. Seems like the recipe for a vintage bottle to me, but as was continue to sip, the taste becomes vaguely familiar and wees know what to eggspect even before we're done drinking our glass. Not only that, but the taste is a tad uneven. There's some sweet moments here, some morsels of humor there, and a lil emotion tossed in, but nothing really stands out over the other, or should I say is outstanding. Then as we take our final intake of el vino aka the final act, something finally registers, but its too late cause the credits are already rolling. Sideways aint no two Buck Chuck, but it mos certainly aint no Chateau d'Yquem either.

Recommended for those who like: Pig Vomit movies, California geography, and wine not from a box

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Bachelor Party

Palindromes
ThismovieblowsgoatstaogswolbeivomsihT
To be released in April 2005
No trailer available

While Alexander Payne makes movies where you can identify with the characters and situations, Todd Solondz is on the other end of that spectrum. Solondz'es movies are filled with painful people, doing painful things, in the most painful situations that we all pray will never ever happen in our lifetimes. What is you forking deal bro? Did mumsy and daddy beat you with a sock filled with walnuts? Did your wicked uncle Ernie fiddle about with you? Out of his three previous flicks, Welcome To The Dollhouse, Happiness, and Storytelling, only that last one was remotely watchable, meaning I didn't have to take 16 showers afterwards just to feel clean again. I was hoping that trend would continue here, but sadly (more like gladly) that was not the case. Solondz goes right back to ugliness that no one really needs to intake. Here's the dreadful story this go around: an awkward young teenage girl named Aviva gets pregnant, parents force her to abort, then she runs away to discover... gawd knows what: pedophiles, religious crusaders, abortion doctor killahs, and a Partridge Familyesque collection of handicaps and mentally retarded kids. If that's not enuff to make you slit yer eyes out w/out even seeing it, how bout the fact that the actress who plays Aviva, changes 7 or more times! First she's a lil chubby black girl, then a dumpy white girl, then a skinny white girl with red hair, then some other white girl, then a huge-ass black girl, etc. and finally Jennifer Jason Leigh?!?!??? WTF? Egggzactly. Stay home and cut off your ears instead. That would be more enjoyable and you'd still have 10 bones in yer pocket.

Recommended for those who like: torturing themselves, the sound of fingernails on a chalk board, and Lyndie England's hot bod

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix any other movie in eggsistance as I guarantee it'll be better

Team America: World Police
Pull The Strings!!
View Trailer

I loathe puppets (snas Jim Henson's universe). I'm frightened to death of marionettes. I can't even stand watching South Park. How on earth did I ever end up seeing this? Good question, but its too late to answer that as the deed has already freddy been done. And? Mos def the finestest puppet movie I have ever seen. Napoleon Dynamite is still the Hugo Boss of comedies this year, but I'd have to say this is in the top 3. If I was on AOL IM during the movie, I would have typed in LOL at least a dozen times. And if I were at home, my pants would've been around my ankles during the in-famous sex scene. Who knew puppets could be sexy!! The songs were franztastic (the slow version of 'America, F*%k Yeah' hispecially). And muchos kudos to the puppeteers who gave their stringed friends more human qualities than any of the characters is Star Wars Eps I or II combined. But nothings perfect. The larfs disappeared towards the end and the attacks on the Hollywood stars were kinda weak. Just cause a puppet looks like Helen Hunt or Tim Robbins, doesn't mean you pretty much stop there with that bit. Plus since I'm a lover of all things Asian, eggcept cartoons, I say its a big nish-nish to make fun of the way they speak. I'd like to see them try to speak Mandarin Chinese or eat a Mandarin Orange and speak Korean, or eat out a Korean and speak Esperanto.

Recommended for those who like: TV's Thunderbirds, Hans Blix, and bushy eyebrows

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Kung Pow

The Notebook
More of a Three Ringed Binder Than a Three Ringed Circus
View Trailer

Rich girl meets poor boy. Rich family doesn't like poor boy. Poor boy goes away. Rich girl about to marry other rich man years later. Poor boy reappears. Rich girl must choose. Who does she choose? Hmm, if she choose rich boy, movie basically stoopid. So guess who rich girl choose. Hint, it's the dude who played a Jewish Nazi. File under cheesy films that you could possibly watch with yer girlfriend.

Recommended for those who like: Rachel McAdams in roles that may sirprize you, James Marsden without those lame-o Cyclops goggles, and the sound of one hand clapping

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Big Fish
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Wednesday, October 27

Cellie-Bratin'
The Subway's
Cent-Tennyul

On behalf of the breastest city named after a state, we all want to wish a berry merry 100th B-day to you Mr NYC Subway!! For on October 27, 1904, New York City's firstestest official subway system opened in Mannyhattan. The Interborough Rapid Transit Company (IRT) operated the 9.1-mile long subway line that consisted of 28 stations from City Hall to 145th Street & B-way.

Did You Know...
(info via MTA)
- There are approximately 660 MILES(!) of passenger service tracks. Counting track used for “non-revenue” purposes (e.g., in subway yards), the number is more than 840 miles. And if laid end to end, all de NYC Transit train tracks would stretch from New York City to Chicago (home of the busted-a$$ El Tren)!!!

- There are 468 subway stations. That's only 35 fewer stations than the combined total of all other subway systems in the country!!

- The longest ride with no change of trains is the trip from 207th Street in Manhattan to Far Rockaway in Queens (more than 31 miles). The longest with a transfer is the train from 241st Street in the Bronx, with a transfer to the Far Rockaway-bound Train (more than 38 miles).

- 4.5 million peeps ride dat train on an average weekday and about 1.4 billion do a year! That makes the NYC zissystem tied with Mexico City for 4th on Highest Annual Ridership list. Moscow tops the list at 3.3 bills, followed by Tokyo with 2.6 and Seoul with 2.2.

- The highest station is Smith/9 St in Brooklyn, measuring 88 feet above street level. The lowest station resides at 191 St in Manhattan, rocking 180 feet below street level.

El Master o' Thighs
1st Annual
Subie Subway

- Breastestest Line In The Whole Dang Thang: 1/2/3/9, and I'm not being len biased. It's the truth ruth!

- Worstestest Line In The Whole Dang Thang: 4/5/6. The trains never some come and the service always seems to be kaput on weekends.

- Stops Worth Stoppinging For: Union Sq (4/5/6/N/R/W/Q/L), South Ferry (1/9), Coney Island-Stillwell (D/F/Q), 161 Street-Yankee Stadium (B/D/4), and Christopher St (1/9).

- Mostest Recockulus Transfer Point: Taking the F to Broadway-Lafayette Street and having to walk a couple o blocks AND pay again just to take the 6 uptown.

- Finestest Dumbestest Thing That I Find Really Amusing: How at some stations, 'SUBWAY' is spelt 'SVBWAY'.

- Biggest Waste of a Stop: 18th St on the 1/9. Isn't having a stop at 14th and 23rd enuff?

- The Has Anyone Ever Rode This Line Award: J/M/Z

- Greatestist Subway Oriented Movie: The Warriors. Peas view this trailer. The Baseball Fury gang scared the living daylights & octopussy outta me when I was a wee lad. Maybe that's where my udder disdain for the Yankees and clowns began.

- Greatestist Subway Oriented Documentary: Style Wars.

- Mos Fabuloususeous Website Dedicated Subways of Yore: Forgotten NY

- You Know You're Lostest When: You're riding the G train.

- Only Bathroom I've Ever Useded At A Station & Live To Tell About It: West 4th

- Mos Umcrediblistic Public Transportation Other Than The NYC Subway: London's Underground

- People Watchingistest Train: The L-boogie heading into Billy'sburg. Duhvs!

- Swamp A$$ Award For Most Moltenest Station At 2am In The Summer: Lower East Side - 2nd Ave (F)

- If This Platform Can Be Friggin Air Conditioneded, Why Can't They All Be: 42nd St - Grand Central (4/5/6)

- Slammeniest Subway Song: 'My My Metrocard' by Le Tigre

- Biggestest Subway Celeb: The I Have No Legs guy from Kids

- The Last Place I'd Sleep If I Were A Bum: Transfer tunnel between Port Authority and Times Square

- Thriftyiestest Deal On A Train: 2 AA batteries for a buck.

- Strangers With Candy: Any kid selling M&Ms for his high school's basketball team. But the real question is, if these kids go to school, why are they riding the trains at 11am?

- Startingist Five of The All Name Team: Rector St (N/W or 1/9), Livonia Ave (L), Van Siclen Ave (J/Z, A/C, or 3), Zerega Avenue (6), and o' course, good ole Hoyt St-Schermerhorn St(A/C/G). Honorable mentions: Dyckman St and Inwood-207 St (both on A)

And finally...

- The Tastiest & Mos Awfulistic Sangwhiches At Subway: Being a former Sangwhich Artist myself, I have a lot of eggspertease in this area. Tastiest? The BMT, no diggty/doubt. I mean the initials BMT could represent the Brooklyn-Manhattan Transit Corporation, but secretly it's Bigger Meatier Tastier. Don't tell Subway HQ I told you this or they'll cut of my johnson! Mos Awfulistic? Tunafish, microwaved on high for 90 seconds.
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Tuesday, October 26

Peel & Eat Pimp

- Peace the fork out DJ Jazzy John Peel.

- Cher wishes she could turn back time, well, I do too. I wish I was 19, enrolled at U of Tejas' film dept, and it was September so me could've worked on Cuthbert's latest joint Dot. That's right, Longhorn students gots the opps to work on a feature friggin film!! Eat my a$$ IU!! But had I worked on that shoot, I would have been so dang Longhorny around the C-Bert that she would've had to slap a restraining order on me. But who sez she hasn't done so already?

- Heard about that fab MSG New Year's Sha-Bang starring The Flaming Lips, Wilco, and Sleater-Kinney? Well boviously u don't read ProductHopNYSea. Internet pre-sale begins Monday, November 1 @ 10 a.m. EDT at Wilco's site and the public on sale is Friday, November 5 @ 10 a.m. via Ticketbastard.

- To hell with Phriday, how bout Stereogum-Simpson Photoshop Phuesday!

- Remember that San Jose Mystery House I gabbed about a couple o weeks back? It was profiled this morning on CBS. And what better time to visit the ole house than this Halloween weekend with their flashlight tours!

- Allah Made Me Funny. Sure he did!!

- Stormtroopers need to take a dump too!

- Cracksmoker.com. Tits not what you think. [via The Thinker]

- The Testicle Festival. Where everyone has a ball! [via Made of Brawnsteeen]

- Will Hooters single handedly bring down Communism in China? We wish the new franchise the breast of luck! [1nce again via Made of Brawnsteeen]

- X-Ray cameraphones are available in Japan. What's their equivalent of a Peeping Tom? Peeping Hiroshi? [via the I-Train]

- Can you imagine being 113 years old and a Red Sox fan?

- These dead people still make more money than you alls and eye combined!!!
1. Elvis Presley $40m
2. Charles Schulz $35m
3. JRR Tolkien $23m
4. John Lennon $21m
5. Theodor "Dr. Seuss" Geisel $18m
6. Marilyn Monroe $8m
7. George Harrison $7m
7. Irving Berlin $7m
7. Bob Marley $7m
10. Richard Rodgers $6.5m
11. George and Ira Gershwin $6m
11. Jimi Hendrix $6m
11. Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Loewe $6m
11. Cole Porter $6m
15. James Dean $5m
15. Dale Earnhardt Sr $5m
15. Jerry Garcia $5m
15. Freddie Mercury $5m
15. Tupac Shakur $5m
15. Frank Sinatra $5m

And tits been awhile, but at the suggestion of Kim, one of our dear readers, did u realize that Interboring's Carlos D and Crispin Glover were Bitched @ Swirth?

# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Monday, October 25

Gifsed & Talenteded

I love to give gifs, but its much butter to receive them. So Gawd Bless the following peoples in order of the gifs: Money Many Anos (via Liberal Bass Turds), J-Dollar-Dollar Bill Y'all, and the lovely Rag Doll del Ciudad!
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Bad To The Bone Her

BREAKING NEWS: LOHAN HOSPITALIZED DUE TO HIGH FEVER!!!

BREAKING NEWS PART II: ELISHA CUTHBERT NAMED HOTTIEST CUTHBERT EVER BY THIGH MASTER

- Andrew Dreskin is trying to recruit Radiohead, Lou Reed, The Cure, Bjork, Sonic Youth, The Pixies, Norah Jones, No Doubt, Burning Spear, Toots & the Maytals, The Strokes, The White Stripes, Neil Young, Coldplay, Tom Waits, and R.E.M for Field Day 2005. Whoever he gets, eggspect the venue to be changed 2 minutes to showtime, 1/2 of the acts to be axed, and the anti-Christ to rise sometime during the weekend.

- Heard about Ashlee Simpson's' horribilistic 'performance' on SNL? Well see it here (Windows Media style). [via College Humor]

- Scooby Doo comes from behind to reclaim their crown, over The Simpsons, for having most episodes of a cartoon comedy series EVER! Heavens to Murgatroid!! I haven't seen a come from behind victory like this from the Scooby Doobies since the Laff Olympics was held in Florida/China!

- Need a last minute costume that will scare the bejesus outta anyone? Click here. Or looking for something a lil bit more retro, why not go as student from yer favorite fictional High School. And I'm a bit BIAS about this one. [first 2 vias Senor Gomberigas]

- Phew, Love Actually cutie-fly Martine McCutcheon has no plans to wed. I'd like to dip my chips in her fish.

- Dis be a whole lotta plastic soldiers, dis be a whole lotta pumpkins, and dis (mos def NSFW) be a whole lotta love!

- When are YOU going to die? Hopefully not before the next Old Spice Pit Festival! [via the future Mr & Mrs Made of Brawnsteeens]

- What's more boss than Hugo? Thumbing thru the Rolling Stone with LL on the cover to see K+1 making love to a can of Sparks (click 'Reports' off of main page)! Two grrrrrrrrrreat tastes in one place!!

- I can watch Fidel fall over and over and over. Does anyone know how to turn this into what would be the ultimate animated gif?

- Me new mostest favoritist word be slake.

- Nobel Sleaze Prize has gots to go out to the genius behind Bally's strip tease class!! [via Laing Sack of Shiiit]

- Kriz-azy-a$$ black man. Need I say more? [via CityRagDoll via Catchdubs]

- And for all to enjoy, here's David Brent's s'wonderful cover of 'If You Don't Know Me By Now'. [right click save hotness via Megbot]
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Top o' the Morning To You

# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Saturday, October 23

Arn & Hammer

[all awesomeness via Balloon Farm]
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Friday, October 22

Tank Gawd Tits Fryday!

For some mo phun, how bout Photoshop Phriday!!

And after peering into my crystal balls,
I predict that the red team will win the World Series!!

...But Seriously
it'll be the Cards in 6 games,
with Willie McGee mcnabbing the MVP honors!

# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Thursday, October 21

Montreal Exposé

- The last Montreal Expos' hot dog ever sold went for a kewl $2,605! I bet that equals the most amount of money the organization has made in the last 6 years combined!! Good riddance you French fried beignet bastagessz!! DC welcomes you will open arms. Just don't name the team anything other than Los Senators... especially anything off of this horriblistic article.

- Paris Hilton's mumsy begs for producers to cast her opposite H.F.R.T. (Her Former Royal Thighness) in Fashionistas. If only we the people had the same power to halt the producers from going ahead with The Simple Life 3.

- Speaking of Ms Been Has, she's been selected to be the 200th Milk Mustachioed person. F-dat, she should be the spokeswhore for Got Mammaries? [pic via Guns n' Rosenthal]

- Strange bedfellows: Beautiful Barfon & the Brainiac Billionaire Gates

- Product placement in cartoons? What's next, product placements in commercials? [via Made of Brawnstein]

- Although some people are less that eggstatic about the news of Jarvis Cocker scoring the next Harry Pothead film, I think tits another step in the right direction for the franchise. Getting rid of Chris Colombo as the director was the 1st step and the foreshadowing of a threesome was the second!

- This eggsplains why I've never won jack palance at McDougal's Monopoly contest anytime before 2001! Those bastards have my train set!! [via JT's HUGE in Japan]

- Who cares?

- Peace the fork out to Commando Nanny and Tee Hee from Live And Let Die. We hardly knew yee both.

- In news that only matters to me and my bruthers over at Non US Hotties, super-fly Bond girl, Rosamund Pike has been linked to her Pride And Prejudice director Joe Wright. Which makes me ponder, are there any uber-lick-o-licious-lizadies out there who are single? And if so, do they like men who love corn?

- And in our last Bond related item, why on planet Zuton does Sarah Michelle Yercareerisovergellar think she should play 007 in the next go around? If the Broccoli family agrees to that poopage, I'm sure Matthew Lillard will play Q and Freddie Putz the II will be Mr Moneypenny.

- Add Damon Hotbarn and Noel Uni-Brow-llagher to the list of Band Aid III particy-pants.

- Detroit, beware of psycho talking bunnies and Sparkle Motion, cause there be some Donnie Darkoesque shiz going down in yo town!

- Sushi specs was one thing, but MP3 specs? [via DJ Tiny Timboes On His Toes]

- Don't forget to catch the 1st US airing of The Office Special tonight only on BBC America! And if you miss it, I'm sure it'll replay an a$$load of times this weekend.

- And to wrap things up, there's some TV show airing up north celebrating the Greatest Canadian mt EVERest. Sadly I doubt our Canuck friends are ready to bestow that honour to our own Ms Cuthbert. Have fun without hockey this winter you shmazoolieos!!

# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Curse Words

I muss eggstend my congrats to the BoSox for doing the umpossible (next to me failing english). It's really hard to believe that no team in the history of MLB or even the broke-a$$ NBA has come from 3 games down to win a series. It happened twice in the NHL, but who gives a FORK since there really isn't even an NHL anymo. But you wanna know the real reason why the Yankees collapsed and will never win a World Series for the foreseeable future? They are marred by a curse of their own. No Babe, no goat, no Bartman. Just the curse of Mike Mussina. The Yankees won their last World Series crown in that boring Subway Series of 2000. And when did Mike BOOsina sell-out my semi-belovededed Orioles, slap on some yucky pinstripes, and give birth to the curse? November 30, 2000. And what have the Yankees done since that fateful day? CRAP ON A STICK!! Sure you've won a fcuk load of games since 2000, but you gots to be ashamed losing in the Fall (Un)Classic to teams called the Diamondbrokes and the FRIGGIN Marlins! (Side note: What's with Miami's taste for horrible team mascots and colors? They should change the name of the Heat to the Gay Pride and don pink unies) So Yankee fans, if you really want to restore the glory tell Torre this story and send Moosehead packing. And by the way, this is the greatistist Bartman picture ever...

# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Wednesday, October 20

Coxoff, CoxON!!!

- BREASTEST NEWS OF THE YEAR (for me at least): Graham 'Cracker' Coxon to REJOIN Blur!!! I mean Blur's lastest, Think Tank, was a brilliant friggin album (that you all should buy NOW), but was truly madly deeply missing Coxy's fab kicks. I'm already jizzing with anticipation for their next album and hopefully a tour, as I've only seen the Blur w/out the Coxster. Hooray for BritPop for it will never die!

- Download Her Former Royal Thighness' latest single 'Rumors' here.

- I'm the Thigh Master and I approve these messages. [via Big Bad Bogs]

- Click this VERY NSFW link if you DARE!!! [via Warner Sistahs]

- Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic reunite publicly for the 1st time in 10 years for one reason: Get Rid of GW Bush!

- Gandhi to play Dr Death?

- It's no Dream Team like Paul McCartney, U2, Bowie, and George Michael, but Band Aid III, featuring the likes of Coldplay, Travis, Dido, and The Darkness sounds berry scrum-deli-umptious!!

- Who knew that the Peach Pit's own Joe E Tata was a Navy cook(!), appeared on TV's Batman(!) and a Woody Allen flick(!), and his real name is love actually Joey Tata(!)!!! [coincidentally via my boy Joe E Tartar]

- C'mon, who doesn't want to see Anna Kornacob's nepals? [NSFWness via The Miami Vikings]

- John Stossel with his super-gay mustache searches to see if 'gaydar' really eggsists. Gimme a break!! [via Crude Features]

- Every year since I was a wee lil ~~dyke~~ tyke, I've gottsen suckered into McDougle's Monopoly contest. Besides a few free fries and shakes, I've never won jack scalia. Has any of yous or someones you know ever won anything significant? I mean at this point, I'd at least like to win that Lionel Train Set!!

- What's the sexiestiest thing Cleveland has to offer? I guess you could say it's this?!?

- There aint nothing worse than a gay banana. Bless this man who's straightening things up. [via GoldenPaddleBall]

- And since this is yer new home of Cuthbertedness, lettuce catch up on her uber-hotness. Supposedly she hates flying and wears a chi (Chinese for energy) necklace every time she does fly. But she so fly anyhow, why does even need a plane? Her hobbies include skiing, snow boarding, massaging her thighs, drawing, drawing pictures of the Thigh Master, photography, being HOT, roller blading, being Canadian, and painting!! And le WURST news about her be that she's engaged to some guy named Trace Ayala, who's JT's personal assistant or something. For our purposes, lettuce pretend that I didn't type that last sentence and just ogle at this photo from our first date...

# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

...and 2% More Cuthbert!*

Face it people, Lindsay Lohandjob is on her way out of my heart, and hopefully your minds. She's not only way overexposed, but weigh overtanned and whey overboobalated. It may be time to shift our focuseses away from Her Royal Thighness for good and give it all to Hotlisha. And juss cause Cuthy isn't in the news every two seconds, or starring in Disney crap on wheels, or dating someone from That Awful Show, or pushing a 'hit' single in the key of Spears-Federline, doesn't mean we shouldn't give her the same type of attention and dirty thoughts about her wicked-umcredible body as we did for LL. I have room in my heart and in my left hand for many a fine ladies, but I guess time will tell. In the mean thyme, please enjoy her thighs that truly tantalize...

*words of wisdom via Golden DisSpencer
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Tuesday, October 19

Stunted Hair Growth

- Who's a world famous stunt guru that wants to inspire you to exercise? Apparently it's this guy BikerFox. And if you peep his pictures, you'll wonder like me why he isn't called BikerWalrus. [via Dickey Greenleaf]

- Her Royal Thighness' album Speak drops on December 7th. I may buy two copies. One to listen to and the other to j.o. on.

- Speaking of her 2% less-ness, rumors are flying that she may be cast to play Firestar, aka Angelica Jones, in Spidey 3. To which that site sez, 'If you believe this, Meryl Streep is going to play Jenna Jameson in a movie about her life featuring a cameo by me as a double-dong.' Sounds like a safe bet to me! And will someone please tell this guy that the role has already been cast.

- Star Wars III trailer to be shown before The Incredibles starting 11/5. Will also air during crappy infotainment shows on 11/4. [via Double Vikes @ dot dot dot]

- A superbly fly chick riding a mechanical bull and eating a bacon cheese burger. Is this Thighland Heaven? No, it's a friggin Hardee's commercial. [via BLOGSplotation]

- You know yer campaign has shat the bed when Yasser Arafat has endorsed you. [via OneOfTheBreastSitesEVER]

- Peace the fork out to slash-temps and HELLO to full-on hotness from the gal who got me interested in bliz-ogging in the first place: Ms Modern Age.

- Björk, only you would have the mostest peculiariest animatedist giftistest!

- John Edwards has great hair. And here's one of the world's most boringist videos featuring it. [via Navi aka the I-Train]

- Why again are the Red Sox named the Red Sox? Don't bother calling Robert Stack, just click here. [via Jon Juan de Wanimaker]

- Glasto '05 bands announced already?

- Sure we all ate a few pennies when we were kids, but whatta bout $197K?

- Keenan McCardell finally finds a job. Too bad someone already has him on their bench in each of the three fantasy leagues I'm in.

- Got a great idea for Karate Kid 2K5: Daniel LaRusso vs The Kancer Kicking Karate Rabbi!

- And fianlly, how did Julie know I LOVE Louis Vuitton? And who the FUDGE is Susan and why on earth did she spend 500 bones on a bag?

# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

There Goes David Brent.
I Must Remember To Thank Him.

Hey Dude, Small Wonder, My Secret Identity. What do all these shows have in common? They were some of the Thigh Master's all-time flavor favs as a youngin. And as I grew up, so did my taste. These shows have now been replaced in my heart with more humoristic and intellectual fare such as Six Feet Wonder, Da Ali G Show, anything Andy Rooney sez, and of course, one of the finestest shows ever to grace a PAL or NTSC monitor: The Office. In a measly 12 episode set, I had never larfed, cringed, or become so attached to a show's characters than I did with this BBC import. I got my first taste when my former officemate P Diddy Robbins brought back the first season from the Olde Country. I couldn't live without seeing the second season and pleaded with my expatriated British Hotlantian bud Jamsey KnightsoftheRoundTable to dig them up for me. The very last episode ended on such a bleak tone that I almost wanted to cry my eyes out. I thought that was the end of it, but found out they released a Christmas Special that put the Star Wars Holiday Special to shame... like thats some feat. The Special picks up 3 years after season 2 ended, as the documentary crew are seeing what everyone's dilly be.

Now FF (or is that REW) to a month ago when I found out the Special was to finally get its US air date on BBCA in late October. I was more eggcited to peep this than Star Wars: Episode III... like thats some feat. Then Big Bad Bogs informed me that there was going to be a special screening of the Special at the Museum of TV & Radio, with the man behind the goatee himself, Ricky Gervais. I would have sold all of my organs and sperms to be at this event. Luckily it was only 12 dollars.

REW to last night, along with Dickey Greenleaf and Megbot, we got to watch the entire Special. And the verdict? For those of us who have been waiting for so long to see it, it was well worth it. Dicky Greenleaf said it was "f-ing AWESOME!", I say it was "friggin UMCREDIBLE!" and Megbot found it somewhere in between. I won't give away any spoilers, but lets just say its jam packed full of goodies like David Brent singing (again) and his attempt at tackling the dating world. We also get to see some sort of resolution on the whole Dawn and Tim sticky situation. Throw in some Gareth and Keith magic and what you have is 100+ minutes of some of the BREASTEST TV I HAVE EVER SEEN. I can't wait to TiVO it and watch a zillion mo thymes... or when

the DVD comes out with both seasons AND the special (which would make a grand Thigh Master b-day gift). If you've never seen any of em, its never to late to start. I personally give it my sign of approval. And if for some reason you aren't satisfied, I will buy you an ice cream cone from McDonalds (this offer not valid outside of the continental USA).

The Q&A didn't really reveal much more than I already knew, but Ricky's greatest influence is Laurel & Hardy and his next project is about being a movie extra. Stay tuned!!

The Office Special airs Thursday, October 21st at 9pm, Saturday, October 23rd at 9pm, and Sunday, October 24th at 9pm. And Ricky will be appearing on Letterman tonight with Jude Law. Quite the Brit-lovefest!
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Monday, October 18

Keep Your Thighs
On The Prize

- The National Enquirer are friggin geniusesses. Not cause they have the scoop on Calista Flockhart returning to her home planet of Lipsezzes, but cause last week they beat me to the punch on a headline I could of used on this site (see right, below her feet). [via DJ Southern Fried Rebel]

- Speaking of Ms Thang, Lohan and Mark Ruffles Potato Chips were honored at the Diversity Awards. How could the Double L win one of these thangs when the Awards 'celebrate diverse achievements in film and television'? Do you think playing a buxom high school teenager in 4 movies is diverse? Watch yer merry lil steps Meryl Streep!!!

- Britney calls it a day... for now. Possible future replacements as the sluttiest person in entertainment: Jamie Lynn Spears, Dakota Fanning, Charlotte Church, Inconsiderate Cellphone Man, and ROB from Gyromite.

- Playboy is hot to get ye olde hottie Susan Sarandon undressed. My left hand and Jergens® are too!!

- ESPN released their pre-season College B-ball Top 25 Rankings. Da ACC (the greatistist of em all) occupies 6 of dem spots. And since me beloveded Twerps are ranked #10, as usual they'll probably lose a few or their early games, drop out of the Top 25, beat some highly ranked squads, make the tourney, only to lose in the second round. CAN'T F-IN WAIT!!

- Bush's thought process EGGSPLAINED!! Read this shiz and tell me you still want to vote for this Commander In Thief.

- You thought Apple Blythe Martin was an oddleistic name? How bout Sir Bob Geldof's daughters: Pixie, Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom, and of course Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily? Who cares, I'd love to pick Pixie's pocket and see if Peaches' peach is fuzzy or not!

- Sam Mendes and Shrek team up for Broadway. Screw that, bring on Toy Story: The Musical or Rosie O'Donnell's Head Meets Mr Guillotine.

- Peace the fork out Pierre Salinger. Yer eyebrows belong in the Hall of Fame next to Andy Rooney's, Martin Scorsese's, and of course, NY1's own George Whipple da III's.

- Air, Dizzee Rascal, Nellie McKay and TV on the Radio are scheduled to perform at the Shortlist ceremony at the Avalon Theater in Hollywood on November 15. More names to be added.

- Get yer free tickets to tapings of Jimmy Kimmel and Carson Daly. Btw, wtf is the deal with The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion being Daly's 'house band' for an entire week? That makes about as much sense as Jews for Jesus.

- THE REDSKINS WON A GAME!!! Joe Gibbs is the messiah and we're going to beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl!!!

- Club Paris. I wish that first word was used as a verb and not a noun.

- Break out yer 20-sided dice and max out dem hit points cause ~~Dorks & Dwebs~~ Dungeons & Dragons turned 30 this past weekend!! And in honor of the event, we should all burn every DVD copy in eggsistance of the self-titled movie starring Jeremy Irons. Jeremy's Iron? Mm hmm, well that's...very good...for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it?

- Did you know that some 40 percent of Albanians have no street address?

- And finally, Crazy Horse Kin Want Strip Club Renamed
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Saturday, October 16

The Gifs of Gab

all via El Bastage de Magnífico!
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Friday, October 15

Dukes of Hazardous Waste

- THE SINGLE BREASTEST SITE EVER CREATED BY A HUMAN since You'reTheManNowDog.com be RumorsOnTheInternets.com. I could watch this shiz ALL DAY SHLONG!!! [via Guns n' Rosenthal]

- Burt Reynolds, you are no Sorrell Booke!!

- Bill O'Reilly is not only a triple-douche bag, but apparently a quadruple-dirt-a$$ scum bag as well. No wonder he gets along so famously with the Peabs and the Coz!

- There is a Gawd and whoever HE may be, lettuce bless him on the miracle of picking Chris Rock to host the Oscars. Phew, cause Billy Crystal's jokes had more (cob)webs than Charlotte!! But somehow the producers will flex their Oscar magic and make the Rock un-funny.

- KRS-One "cheered when 9/11 happened." Look KRiS, if you want to garner attention to sell some albums, go the R Kelly route by peeing on 14-year-old girls instead of applauding the deaths of yer fellow country(wo)men/buying public. [via A Sock's Life]

- The NBA may one day dump 3-pointers until the last five minutes of a game. FUNK dat. If they really wanted to make the game mo interesting why don't they just adopt some MTV Rock 'N' Jock B-Ball Jam jounks like the 25 point basket or create teams like the Violators or the Bricklayers, coached by Bill Bellamy and Dan Cortese respectively. DON'T CALL IT A CALLBACK!!

- The other day I was pondering what Mr Belding, the butler on Fresh Prince, Kimmy Gibbs, and that kid who isn't Ben Savage from Boy Meets World have all been up to. Good thing the NY Daily News did all the werk fo me!

- Peep the Fat Albert: The Movie trailer. Er, um, well at least the costumes looks nice.

- Think that was a atrociousaladocious? Watch this trailer in its entirety. Keep an eye for the uMAZING special F/X.

- Hooray to VH1 for greenlighting Surreal Life 4 + the Flavor Flav & Brigitte Nielsen spin-off project! But who wants to watch a show where Daniel Baldwin, Biz Markie, Wendy the Snapple Lady, and Ralphie May try to lose weight? Wouldn't it be better if they were forced to eat more ala Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest?

- I'm a sexist pig. And with that said, every woman should wear a pair of these Playboy jeans! Button fly? More like Bunny fly! Blue jeans? More like BLUE BALLS!

- Most un-sir-prizing statement of the 21st century: Comedy Central Darling Jon Stewart Backs Kerry. And this just in... Jewish Men Love Mel Brooks Movies, Microwaved Tuna Smells, and Lohan Has GYNORMUS Ta-Tas!!.

- John Kerry keeps talking about holding summits if he were erected prez. Is the World Toilet Summit in Beijing one of them? What about The Summit in Houston or Pat Summit?

- To hell with the real election, who would you rather vote for Jimmy Smits or Alan Alda?

- Sure Richard Marx AND Phish both played airport hangars, but does it get any butter than playing at the Nobel Peace Prize ceremony? Dunno, but the David Koresh house band, Le Polyphonic Spree, will find out.

- It must be a crying shame to be a Luxembourger these days. Especially when Liechtenstein put a 4-nil arse-whopping on you and yer 155th world ranked soccer squad.

- Speaking of western Europe, you know you live the greatistist country in the world when you can buy pot cheaper in a store than you can from the government!!

- And finally, congratulations are in order to chipmunk face, aka Lynndie England, who gave birth to the anti-Christ. That baby will probably be the universe's most frightening creature since Kuato from Total Recall or the half-alien/half-human thing that popped out of Robin's bagina on V: Final Battle (link is of the OG mini-series). I smell a Bitched @ Swirth!!

And with that image stuck in yer brain, HAVE A Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr8 weak end and be sure to Do a Lynndie!!
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

And for some mo phun, how bout Photoshop Phriday!!
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Thursday, October 14

Show Me That Smile Again...

- To hell with the re-united Wu-Tang Clan and to heaven with the re-united Seaver Clan, sans stoopid a$$ Leo who forgot his roots!! Gawd DANG Joanna Kerns/Maggie Seaver is STILL so fruckin FLY! And DANG gawd Jeremy Miller/Ben Seaver is STILL so frodging awkward looking! [via My Man Marvkus]

- Ken Jennings is not only some kinda genius, but a dirty lil bastage. When the answer was 'This term for a long-handled gardening tool can also mean an immoral pleasure seeker' he said this. [via Radosh via Posh n Beckers]

- Itching to play Halo 2 a month before it comes out, and for free?

- Beatles + Cirque du Soleil = Siegfried and Roy replacement!

- White Stripes to release one of me mos personal favorite covers EVERgreen as a single: Dolly Parton's 'Jolene'.

- Lohan is That 70's Show bound and hopefully gagged. Me didn't realize that that show was still on the air.

- Farrell & Fox to team up for Miami Vice flick? Maybe they can get Don Johnson & Philip Michael Thomas to duet on the sdtrk.

- This guy really loathes IKEA.

- The single most unpopular gift for the holly-daze has got to be Turd Birds.

- Why do CDs cost $15.99?
$0.17 Musicians' unions
$0.80 Packaging/manufacturing
$0.82 Publishing royalties
$0.80 Retail profit
$0.90 Distribution
$1.60 Artists' royalties
$1.70 Label profit
$2.40 Marketing/promotion
$2.91 Label overhead
$3.89 Retail overhead
Wal-Mart sez eat a dick to that shiz!

- These cookies aren't eggzactly Prince Charming. Ahhhhhhh snap, ginger style!

- How the fiddlesticks can Chick-fil-A be the #1 drive-thru spot in Amorica when we aint even gots on in the NYC area and it's closed on Sundays? [via The Fiddler]

- It goes without saying that Uncle Grambo is the f-in BlogFather of the entire f-in blogosphere. Yesterday's post was eggceptional... and I aint juss saying that cause he gave me some stizz love or that we're heteroflexible lovers.

- Our gal CityRagDoll drops the story behind Britney Federline's foot tattoo.

- You know yer a bona fide cultural icon when you get poked fun of in a video game. Case eggzample: that fat Star Wars kid in the new Tony Hawk game. [via Pakulashaker]

- Pray that this isn't yo granny!! [NSFW via Z de la Roachclip]

- Free movie ticks to Finding Neverland and for us NYCers: Sideways & Undertow

- In the WTF department, we give you the wurstest David Bowie cover mt everest! [via Popbitch]

- And here's something for you San Francisicindiansians to do this tweakend:

# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Wednesday, October 13

Paper Moon Unit

- Tis been out there for a few days and I apologize for the delay in the scoopage, but here lie the vid to LL's un-hit single 'Rumors'. And after further review, the song is just as awfulistic as any of Britney's, so I see no reason why she can't gain the same type of 'fame' as Shitney did in the music world. But who cares about the music anywayzitz? How bout how umcredible she looks in the vid. I haven't seen her sport such hotness for a few months. And she was mad crazy swamp a$$ sweaty throughout the entire thing, shakes her tail in a cage, and of course there are many a shots of her bovoistic tees!! All in all, she may be another brick in the wall, but I'll be fo shooozle buying front row seats to her show when she's NYC bound... and gagged [via StereoBubbalicious].

- And whatever Her Royal Thighness needs, its not the support of Mark McGrath, but of a super-hugemungos bra.

- Britney Federline? That's 17 times as redonkeylus as Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. Since she'll be paying all the bills and be birthing the kids, he should change his name to Kevin Spears. [via Time Werespanko]

- Franz Federline claim they only net 250 lbs a week. Maybe they can earn a bit o scratch if they appear in the next Harry Pothead flick. And if that doesn't produce dividends, they could always call in the Black Hand to assassinate their drummer, and cash in on his life insurance policy. TAKE HIM OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!

- The Wu-Tang Clan have reunited, no double LP, but the world still eggcited for their Nov 12 show in East Rutherford! Pre-sale this Friday at 9am. Password is 'First'.

- One things I could never understand is why they didn't have a Lebowski fest in LA. Mission accomplished! Too bad the bowling alley they used during filming no longer eggsists! [via Joe E Tata-tar-sauce]

- The Beatles US albums will finally get a CD release.

- I'd rather cut off the shroom top of my johnson, top it with tuna juice and homeless man's urine smell, microwave it for 10 minutes, and eat it with chopsticks covered in hamster pellet poo than attend this event.

- Hey Red Sux fans, maybe if the Yankees didn't own yer a$$ since 1809 then you'd actually have a right to bitch and moan about them Who's Your Daddy tees!

- I love me dem Redskins, but this is probably the wurstest NFL product I've ever seen since Brian 'The Boz' Bozworth.

- Top shelf indeed! Who wants to donate 2K for me to buy the Willie in '84 threads?

- There be two NEW books out there that may get me to read! The first one is Phil Roth's The Plot Against America, which imagines if anti-semite Charlie Lindbergh won the presidency, made a pact with Hitler, and turned America into a Jew-hating landscape. The other is uber-round/hotness Tatum O'Neal's tell-all book entitled, Paper Life. I mean who doesn't want to hear about her smack addiction, being smacked around by her daddy Ryan and ex-hubby McEnroe, having Michael Jackson trying to seduce her AND attending an orgy at age twelve with Melanie Griffith! Nouw al eye half tu doo iz leurn houh 2 reed!

- The reverse dictionary.

- 'Black Irish' EXPLAINED!!!

- Kenya dig this annoying lil flash vid? Didn't think so.

- If only the last two Matrixeses flicks were as goode as this!

- What do I have to do to be in a organization with these folks? [via Mag-Bastard]

- Here's something that'll make you wish you had that 30 seconds you just wasted back!

- Do you call soda 'pop' or 'Coke'? Yer not alone in yer buffoonery. Peep this map!

And yer most un-Kosher headline of the day be:

- Pig Guts Cause Smelly Traffic Jam
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

A Fine Line Between
Love And Haight

Ahhhhhhhhhhh San Francisco. How I always dreamted of visiting yer Golden Gates and gay Asian shores. And now that I'm twentysomething, I figured it was the time to get arf my a$$ and see what all this Rice-a-Roni and hill shit blues was all about. I mean, until a month ago, I kept miss(tori)pelling the city, 'San Frasisco'. Hey, if I can call other people douche bags for spilling hot coffee on themselves, I can surely call myself one since I wouldn't be anywhere without a spell checker. But enuff about semantics and more about my antics this past Columbus Day Weak End!

On Friday, the deadlines were stacked at work, but nothing was going to keep me from the home of Levi's jeans. I hopped on the le ghetro E train for what seemed like an eternity by Calvin Klein and rendezvoused with the greatest latest thang in NYC transportation: The Airtrain. It's like being on Epcot's monorail, but cheaper, and it actually takes you right to your terminal and not a geodesic dome. When I finally got to JFK, the mostest random thing popped into my head: Steven Spielbergo's The Terminal. I have yet to see this crap on a stick, but I can only imagine how terminally painful it must be to watch. Anywho, boarded my Delta flight, kicked off my smelly shoes, and caught Spider-Man 2 for the 2th time (Read our review here). Gawd bless Sam Raimi for drenching Kirsten Dunstes'es shirt in each of the movies. Lettuce juss hope tits three times a jizz for the next installment. Passed the rest of the time talking to this Indian bloke who explained to me that when people think of Indian food, it's really just Punjabi food. Most Indian's diets consist of beans, rice, and veggies, not chicken tandoori.

Anywho, touched down in SFO and was picked up by my weak end's glamorous host, TSpliff, co-creator of the mos fantabulous website that never was (be sure to visit the stadium!). By the way, my ears had yet to pop and them STILL HAVEN'T!! Went back to his swanky North Beach pad, met his foxy lady lady Michele Ma Bell, downed some chicken-feta-pesto North Beach Pizza (you wouldn't think Killafornia has good pizza, but they DO!), hit up some famous dive bar called Vesuvio, almost got in a fight with some Hispanic punk a$$ bitch, and called it a night... but not before peeping several episodes of Sealab 2021, one of the breastest cartoons I've seen since I declared my jihad vs cartoons. We also got all political and watched what has got to be the finestest show on the fall lineup: The Presidential Debates!! Can you name a more entertaining 90 minutes you've watched in the past year? I love hearing about Kerry 'subcribing' to 'plans' he has that we haven't heard anything about or Bush just plain talking bout them internets.

Saturday was dedicated to being a whorish tourist. We had some Mexicali lunch right next to the Presidio and sadly didn't see Sean Connery or Mark Harmon. Next it was off to San Jose via one of the most scenic routes me has ever peeped (being a 5 year NYCer, anytime you see land masses that aren't made of concrete, you get kinda hot and bothered). And what may you ask is located in San Jose besides a hockey team with horribilistic taste in jerseys? Well, I'll tell ya: The Winchester Mystery House. And how the FUNK did I come up with this grande idear to visit this place on my lil vacay? Well, one of me favorite all-time shows since I was a kid was A&E's America's Castles. A few months back I caught an ep dedicated to this house. And this is the house's story of us: Sarah Winchester was the heir to the Winchester rifle fortune after her hubsy died. She believed that she was haunted by ghosts and spirits who were killed at the hands of the rifles.
One day she sought the advice of a Boston psychic who in turn told her that she must continue to build on to her house for 24 hrs a day until the day she died. And Sarah Dub did just that (she also invented the washboard!). The result is morerer nuttier than my poops after scarfing a gallon of Pralines and Cream. There were 160 rooms, where windows were built into the floor, stairwells that led to nowhere, closets with 13 hanger posts, rooms that had only one entrance but had three exits, doors that opened to a 15 ft drop, and a whole bunch of other MYSTERIOUS stuffings!! I yearned for a creepy tour. My gal Katty-Kat puuuurfectly suggested that the tour guide should be in the Vincent Price vein, but what me and the TSPliffster got instead was some cheerleaderesque girl, who was more chipper than Chipper Jones, and could play Jan Hooks' Alamo tour guide in Pee Wee's Big Adventure if they ever dared to remake it. Literally, our guide was one shake of a lamb's tail away from making us say, 'adobe' and 'tortilla'. Well, at least at the gift shop they had lovely San Jose postcards depicting a bus!!

As our magical mystery tour continued, wees drove back to the SF, mcnabbed a lil tasty baked sangwhich at Submarine Center in West Portal, drove up to the peaks of Twin Peaks (we even had the courtesy to unhook the bra) and saw the city from a far, and then gave the Tanner full-household a hello on the way to our next stop: the corner of Haight-Ashbury. Before arriving there, my mind was filled with mythical visions of such a holy sight. When we got there, the reality was as lame as being on the corner of 27th St & 2nd Ave, sans ferdinand. Although I'm sure the Gap and Ben & Jerry's are extra hippyrific! Then we went to the mecca of all music stores: Amoeba Music. This place lives up to any hype you may have been hyped on by Hype Williams or the like. Think Tower Records meets Other Music meets yer ma and pa record shopppppee. I only wanted to spend like 10 minutes there and maybe buy one album, but an hour or so later, I walked out with 5. The prices were so cheap. Gotz like 4 used discs for 5.99 a peace and a Graham Coxon import for onsley 10 bones! Later that night, we grabbed some grand ole momma's cooking at Home, cause Michele Ma Bell knew it would whet my meat and potatoes lifestyle. Laterz on we went to this new hot spot called Casanova where I sipped drafts of Pabst Blue Ribs and was reunited with my boy Robbie Revz who me hadn't seen in 10 shlong years! We both told each other that we looked the same, but I think he was just being polite to me and my whale-size.

Sunday was dedicated to foo-ball and almost nuttin but. T's pals Jorge and Co came over bright and early with some very un-NY bagels and shmears. Next time I'll just bring some with me ;) I still cunt bee-leave people wake up at 10am to watch fooball. This was the 1st time I'd been in the West during fooball season and with the early games over by 1pm, that left the day thighs wide open for bidness. Although I was half awake and half baked, I still needed to take in a lil culture and me being the museum whore that I is, I had to drop by their MOMA, with former NY galster Veronica and coincidentally visiting NY galster Amber Crusiemanko. A nice collection, but me was more bitter than Passover herbs to find out that a Lichtenstein eggzibit was opening two weeks after my visit. Lichtenstein people!!! It aint just a pointless country no mo!! Rounded out the noche with A PLACE TO EAT AT B4 YOU DIE: House of Nanking!! They have a menu, but you don't even order off of it. The waitress comes by and hurries you into ordering something. You just say 'chicken', 'beef', 'tofu' or whatever and PRESTO the most yummylicious stuff comes to yer table in a matter of minutes.

The next day I sadly had to go, but not before I purchased some cheap smokes, walked up the mostest crookedest street in the world and chowed on some In-N-Out Burger (still the most overrated burger in America. Fatburger rules x 324114!!). What a friggin fab-u-los-so city tit was. I fell in love and not only left my heart in 'Cisco, but some mean smelling farts as well after all that chow. And there's so much touristy shit left for me to do (trolleys, burritos, the wharf, Alcatraz) that I'll be back quicker than you can say Jeff Gaycia. By the way, WHAT THE FORK IS UP WITH ALL DEM HILLS??#?@!?@?$??%@&!!%?~?%$$@#~$

# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Tuesday, October 12

Rumors On The Internets

Me just got back from having the GAYest ole time in lovely San Fran. I ate so much Rice-a-Roni that I can't even write about it all right here, right now. But in the meantime, here's the crap you'all would rather read:

- STOP THE PRESSESSES: Lohan fears kissing guys onscreen! And Papa Lohan BLASTS her 'lowlife' friends!

- Zellweger still filling her gynormus cheeks with Jack's whites?

- The greatestist band named after an element, Air will supply some French fried background music for the Ballet Preljocaj when it hits BAM in early November. Now normally I wouldn't be caught dead at the ballet or anything that had 2 'j's in its name, but tickle me curious and elmo! [via TheOnlyShoppppe In Town]

- What more appalling in this picture, the kid (mischa) barfin or the dude who decided to wear that rad brown jacket? [via Zach de la Roachclip]

- If you've been living in cave with Osama, then you probably haven't peeped JibJab's latest political hootenanny.

- Some Singaporean bloke shoved three and a lil bit o' hamburgers in his mouth to broke the world record. Obviously the Guinness Record peoples have never followed me into a White Castle cause I can fit a sack in my mouth... hairy or shavenened.

- Unemployed or work the graveyard shift at McDougals? Then yer probably one of the only peoples who can czech out the Raveonettes this Thursday at 5pm at The Delancey.

Two questions that make yer anal itch:

- What ever happened to lil Newt from Aliens?

&

- What's up with things that are deviled?

And here's yer headline to get yer day going...

- Doctor Accused Of Paying Fine With Feces-Covered Money [via Michelin-Man]
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Monday, October 11

The Quest for Peace the Fork Out

Two huge-mungos peace the forks out go to

Christopher Reeve

September 25, 1952 - October 10, 2004
You saved our planet many o times from the likes Richard Pryor & Jon Cryer, and every girl wanted to bone you in the process. Then you hurt yerself and lost yer super abilities for life, but that didn't stop you from being a super hu-man. You will be greatly missed Kal-El, son of Marlon Brando. And whoever they decide on to don the red cape and blue tights for the next go-round will never replace you in our thoughts and in our minds... no matter how burnt they may be.
&

Ken Caminiti

April 21, 1963 - October 10, 2004

I'm no baseball lover, but me did love two things about you: That phatty-a$$ goatee you rocked and yer umcredible sounding name, which rolled off the tongue like rib meat falls off a bone.
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Saturday, October 9

To Boldly Go Where No
Man Has Gone Before

# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Friday, October 8

Dissed Her &
Dismissed Her

- Hilary Duff emitted some fighting words at Her Royal Thighness, LL, on her latest record. Spraying shiz like, "You're queen of superficiality. Keep your lies out of my reality." and also "You say your boyfriend's sweet and kind, but you've still got your eyes on mine." Ahhhhhhhh snap!!!!!! What will the Lohanster do for a rebuttal? Here's my guess at some lyrics she might pen, "Yo bizatch, you can lick my orange crotch. And what's up with yer first name? Omitting an 'l' aint no way to gain fame. Jealous that my box office receipts are as big as my breasts? Yer so broke I bet you love the NY Mets." Wow, maybe I should quit my day and night jobs and become a songwriter. Peace the fork out Bernie Taupin!!

- ~~Beating off to~~ Speaking of Lohan, LeBron James was supposed to grace the cover of this month's GQ and not her. However, after the editors took a look at her snaps and jizzed all over themselves, they decided to make the switch. And no, I do not work at GQ.

- And boy how eggstatic am I that her papa aint going to the big house!! I mean, who wants an inmate as an in-law?

- Finally, in the Lohansphere, our lady in waiting went all sorts of APE SHEEEET when she found out her local bakery was out of blueberry muffins!! Lohan's frantic antics remind me of another naughty kid who I had a crush on, and coincidentally turned into a blueberry: Violet Beauregarde. [via GoldenDisSpencer]

- To hell with the World Beard & Stache Championships, cause we could all get our fair share of hair this weak end at Poland's World Sex Championships!! I'm dying to meat the woman who ends up winning the contest to see who can have sex with as many men as possible. Now there's a lady you can bring home to ma!

- Mark David Chapman was denied parole, again. For him, that's actually a good thing cause them Lennon fans were gonna hack em into pieces.

- I don't think I can ride the Log Flume ever again after peeping these sloppy jalopies NSFW action. [via Popbitch]

- Having trouble deciding where to go on that special vacation? Why not try Oklahoma!! Too bad you can no longer learn about their great attractions like Confederate battles re-enacted or the cow manure tossing-a-thon cause they just recalled their tourist brochures. And if the Okieland aint yer cup of tea, you may want to skip out on North Dakota as well. Unless you want to see this crap.

- My boy Guns n' Rosenthal not only supplied me with this phatty link of Cheney checking out Edwards' daughter's tush (Windows Media), but he got (Joe E) Etan Thomas to write a column for his Chez Ghetto Washington Wizards site! The site isn't ghetto, just the broke a$$ 'Zards are. I won't be a fan until they revert back to being the Chez Ghetto Bullets.

- Do you take loud dumps? Sound Princess is here to help!

- If this Scarecrow costume from the new Batman movie is legit, it'll be the scariest thing I've seen on screen since Rosie O'Donnell sported leather with pleasure in Exit To Eden. [via Levittown]

- Jack Osbourne's gal pal had her implants removed and she give em to him as a gift. He now proudly displays them on his wall! (sorry no picture)

- Duran Duran drops their latest shiny plastic thing that contains music next Twosday and they'll be making two in-store appearances. Here's the rub: The first 500 people to purchase the new album beginning Tuesday, 10/12 at 9am (only at the Times Square location and Sunset location) will receive a wristband that guarantees admittance to the in-store signing. Oct 12, NYC - Virgin Times Square @ 6PM AND Oct 15, LA - Virgin Megastore Hollywood 7PM

- Although I always aim to tease AND please, I'm sorry for those of ya searching in vain for Lindsay Lohan not Jewish and linda blair's masturbating pics from exorcist 1. But if you elect me president, I'll be sure to get to the bottom of these queries in my first month of office.

- And if you plan on seeing the crap on a stick known as Taxi, you obviously have no taste and gots no bidness being one of my readers. Thank you and good night/morning!
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Thursday, October 7

I Heart Reviewing Movies

I Heart Huckabees
More Like I Fart On Huckabees
or I Apple Applebee's
View Trailer

This movie makes no sense tat all. Not one iota or one Toyota. And it'll probably make no cents or dollars at the box office neither either. It's a thinking man's movie overloaded with too much psycho-babble and quasi-philosophy that yer often scratching yer head and yer balls (at the same time is considered multi-tasking), going, "What the Fred Funk is going on?" and "Why on mirth did that just happen?" These quirky lil things happened cause, normally on the money, director David O Russell probably tried too hard to make a 'cool' movie filled with big 'ideas'. Oh look, Marky Mark is riding a bike, how deep! And wow, there's a tall black dude from Africa!! Didn't I see the same pointless African character thing did done in Garden State? Now this movie isn't slit yer eyes out material folks, thanks in part to one of the finer ensemble casts of the year, but it wasn't all that enjoyable. I would like to make a special mention that Lily Tomlin is a friggin comic genius. Tits an udder shame that her talents (and in this case, I aint talking bout her coat RACK) have been wasted (like Lohan) in a bunch of crap as of late (Disney's The Kid and Orange County anyone?) instead of more movies like Huckabees... but not Huckabees (A Confederacy of Dunces in 2005 should be a step in the right direction). Confused by this review? Good, now you'll have the right frame of mind if you go an peep this movie! And one final special special mention has gots to be made about the super mark doper on-screen coupling of Jude Law and Naomi Watts. Can you imagine how dead sexy their children would be? I'd love to take a dip in that gene pool. Anywho, skip this one and head directly to the far superior Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. Its similar (they both even utilize squares in their marketing campaign), eggcept Eternal is actually a 'cool' movie with the big 'ideas' to back it up... plus Kirsten Dunst dances in her undies. Read our review here.

THX 1138
The Opposite of Ewoks
View Trailer

I often spew tirades about how George Lucas has taken a giant microwaved tuna dump on my childhood by basdtardizing his Star Wars franchise with Jar Jar BLOWSGOATS and the wurst dialog this side of any sitcom on CBS, but there's still hope for the old man. Call it a new hope (not Episode IV) after I finally visited his very first and mostest personal work: THX 1138. It is not only one of the BREASTEST sci-fi and futuristic flicks me has ever seen, but also one of the most unconventional ones too. Can you name another Lucas film with nipples in it? Its ummazing that Lucas even got it made in the 1st place and that the studios allowed him to make films in the future (no pun intended... or was there?). Many of the futuristic pics of the 70s imitated Orwell's 1984 blueprint of a not-too-distant dystopian society, but THX 1138 puuuurfectly captured it from top to bottom. Logan's Run, Soylent Green, and Zardoz, to name a few, were high on substance, but low on style (see the robot made out of tin foil in Logan's for an example). Lucas however nailed down both aspects. Even today 1138 doesn't come off as cheesy and recockulous, but frightening and uncomfortable. I rarely do this, but I watched it again with the audio commentary running in the background. This 'new hope' for Lucas does eggsist cause at the close of the film he stresses how after Star Wars wraps up, he'd like to go back to making more personal and unconventional films like THX 1138. If that day does really come, he'll be pooping roses on my head and not StarKist.

Bonus: czech out this Legolized clip from THX 1138
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Wednesday, October 6

Thighspotting
Rocktober Edition

What do the following peep-holes all have in common?

[Top, from left: Leo, Alan Alda, Mike Wallace, Moby, Jeff 'The Dude' Dowd, Richard Belzer, CNN's Jeff Greenfield, CNBC's Ron Insana, former Mayoral candidate Mark Green, and ABC 7's deadly news trio of Bill Ritter, Liz Cho, and Sam 'The Man' Champion]

They were all Thighspotted by yers truly within a span of 30 minutes last Friday night. How is that possible? Was I hiding in the bushes at Barbara Walter's 20/20 retirement party? No. They were all gathered at a NYC society center for Asians (where I sometimes help out cause Asia RULESSSS!!) for a private screening of documentarian George Butler's latest, Going Upriver: The Long War of John Kerry. Rumor has it that Sharon Stone, Wes Anderson, Ben Affleck, Robert Altman and Gisele were also on hand for the festivities, but they didn't dare cross the Thigh Master's path. Moby even approached me and asked where the theater was. I told him that I don't talk to bald people who are descendants of Richard Melville. And when the ABC 7 News crew all walked in together, it was like a scene right outta AnchorBoo: The Legend of Ron Broke-ness... cept no one had a mustache or was wearing a cowboy hat. I had already met the Jeff 'The Dude' Dowd @ Lebowski Fest earlier this year, but it was still a pleasure to see him mix and mingle at this event... although I bet no one had a clue as to who the fudgesticks he was. Anywho, it's good to know that smarties and hotties are most likely going to vote for the right candidate. [Hint, its the one who looks like cereal and TV monsters.]

Oh yeah, I also spotted James Lipton at a Mets game 2 weeks ago. He came to the game a few innings late with an entourage of what appeared to be his acting students. What a friggin douche bag he is. He's the kinda guy that'd spill boiling hot coffee all over himself and sue McDonald's. Wink wink.
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Fingering The 18th Hole

- Tiger Woods gots hitched to super-sweet-Swede Elin Nordegren. She must really love him for his sparkling personality and wicked sense of humor. Or the fact that she gets to buy a new pair of shoes every day for the rest of her life.

- Congrat-relations to everyone's favorite Ism, in the key of Lindsay Robertson, for being voted for Best Blogger Likely To Deservedly Strike It Rich by el Village Voice. She's going to be so rich that she's going to take a limo to work and rock a top hat and cane wherever she may roam. Rumor has it she may also change her name to Richie Rich the II. AND also another congrat-relations has got to go out to my man Jason & his ProductshopNYC cru for being voted Best Local Music Blog.

- Who on earth would pay 100 bones for a Philly Cheesesteak?

- Better Than Ezra are to play a free concert to celebrate the opening of Clinton's Presidential Library. What, EMF wasn't available? That's UNBIELEVABLE!!

- Stern headed for satellite radio in 2006. How much raunchier can his show get? Maybe he can have a guy bone a skeleton's eyes. Y'know, the ole skull f#$k!

- Gawd I love it that the Yankees haven't won shhhhhhhhhhhit since ex-O bird Mike Mussina joined their starting rotation.

- Jack-O-Lanterns never looked this scary. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

- Bid with confidence on Jose Canseco's Rookie of the Year Ring. [1nce again via Zach de la Roachclip]

- This Monobrow site has been make waves the past couple o days. Too bad the dude they used for their front page doesn't really have a monobrow, but just a wicked a$$ beard.

- Erotic Origami. [via Navi]

Tickets Peas

- Bruce and the E Street crew, John Fogerty, Jackson Browne and Patti Scialfa are rocking for your vote next Wednesday at Continental Airlines Arena. Tickets already on sale.

- Headliners for New Zealand's Big Day Out have been announced.

- New Yawkers, sign-up for free tix to see former Her Royal Thighness, Sarah Michelle Gellar, in The Grudge and some piece of crap called Eulogy. And here are some free screenings for you LA-la landers.

And here be two things that have nothing to do with one another

- Green Bay Packers Fullback Sued Over Miami Dorm Defecation [via General Miller]

- Who knew that Carl Lewis had a music video? [via Biz vs the Newbs]
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Paying Respect
To The Man That Got None

Rodney 'Love Is A' Dangerfield

November 22, 1921 - Rocktober 5, 2004
Never had a man who looked so deranged and mad googly-eyed entertain millions upon zillions of people the way that you did Rodney (Emo Phillips doesn't count). You only appeared in less than 20 films, but every time yer ugly head popped up on screen, you had us in stitches and Ace bandages. Sure, Caddyshack and Easy Money are amongst yer finest of the fine, but it was yer work as Thornton Melon in Back To School that I'll always remember the mostest. Can you name another movie where Oingo Boingo play a party, Kurt Vonnegut plays himself, Sam Kinison does his Sam Kinison thing x 83, and William Zabka is even more of a prick than he was in The Karate Kid? And here's my personal favorite thing-a-ma-bob that you ever uddered from yer loud mouth: [Tall and Fat clothing store commercial] Are you fat? When you go jogging, do you leave potholes? When you make love, do you have to give directions? At the zoo, do the elephants throw you peanuts? Do you look at a menu and say 'OK!'?

And yes, we'll forgive you for Meet Wally Sparks, Little Nicky, and co-starring in Ladybugs with Jackée.

And yes, he really did have a board game!

Now if we can only find a cure for this dying shit that keeps a happenin'!! This is supposed to be a site about life and thighs, not death and taxes!!
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Tuesday, October 5

Why The World
Hates American Tourists

Thanks for the pics Time Werespanko!!
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Soda Jerk

In what is to be the last TWS poll in a while, you, our dearest and devoted ~~losers~~ readers, came out in great numbers to decide once and for all, Who Is The Breast Mike Tyson Punch Out Foe That Isn't Mike Tyson? I would have bet the farm on Von Kaiser and his killer mustachio to take home the title, or even on the great Don Flamenco as a longshot, simply cause he's the Red Rose of Spain, but it was other stereotypes that dominated the top two spots in the hearts and minds of voters. And although Piston Honda blinked and winked his way into an early lead...

In the end, it was a landslide victory for
the Eastern European jerk, Mr Soda Popinski!!!

And many a thankses to the greatestist
Mike Tyson Punch Out site mt everest:
RedTom`s Punch-Out!! Page
For the grand thefting of such great gif(t)s
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Monday, October 4

The Puckering Stops Here

- Jack White was the coolest of the cool, until he started dating Puffer Fish McNasty, aka Renee Suckwager. Well, the man just got back his credibility as the two have gone splittsville. No one knows why, but I heard its cause Renee's cheeks couldn't hold all of Jack's pearly white magic goo after a BJ. Honestly, Jack should just start boning his sister/ex-wife and the world will be a better place.

- So it looks like Gawker Media is the new Judaism. Why? Well with the launch of three new sites (one about stuff that moves, one about games people play, and one about crap in general) they're only months away from controlling the media. Hey Nick, when yer ready to hit me up wit a lifetime supply of Starbursts and a roller coaster in my apt, I'm your man for the launch of Thighland: the first blog dedicated to all things thighs. [Note: I'm Jewish. As Jewish as a Bacon Crab Cheeseburger.]

- Jude Law engaged? I may have fully commit myself to women 1nce again. And did you know that Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth are getting hitched too? Who know they were even an item?

- Don't be one of those guys who makes their own Ghostbuster proton pack this Halloween, when you can own the real thing. [via Navi]

- 2009 is already turning out to be the hottiest year ever. Conan's taking over for Lame Leno and the Simpsons may call it quits then.

- The Q Awards were handed out and The Streets walked away empty handed, while Franz Federline mcnabbed only one. Does this signal an end to good music and a return to boy bands? Jordan Knight, stand by your phone.

- Squirrel Fishing. This can't be legal, eggcept in countries where cocks fight.

- What do you get when you pass out drunk and that hot girl from MisShapes sits on yer face? This! (sorry if you've seen it before) [via My Man Marvkus]

- Dilbert: The House. Someone please explain.

- Get Carter, not the version with Stallone and Rachel Leigh Cooked to purrfection, was voted breast British film of all-time. Who votes in these polls, blind people? C'mon, you mean to tell me that From Russia With Love is butter than A Clockwork Orange? Kubrick is beating and raping himself in his grave.

- So where do you put yer money in this pair o' Levi's? If I have to get inventive, I'll juss stuff some single dolla bills down the front depository. [via Willie Bragg]

Tickets Peas

- The Pixies has announced the final final final two shows on yer woolly mammoth North American tour: Saturday, December 18th (one at 7 and one at Midnight) @ Hammerstein Ballroom. The 7 show first is with Mike Watt & the Secondmen opening, and the Midnight show is with Kristin Hersh & the 50 Foot Wave opening. Tickets for both shows will go on sale Friday, October 8th through Ticketbastard.

- The Hives will be bring their megalomania to Webster Hall on November 20. Pre-sale on now (password: 'idiot') and general sale starts Wed @ noon.

- Jet & The Donnas are playing K-Rock's Big Hairy Halloween Ball Rocktober 29 @ The Supper Club. Pre-sale starts Thursday. Password is 'Booker'

And yer two stoopidiest headlines are:

- Vibrator Shuts Down Australian Airport

- Romanian Mistakenly Cuts Off Penis, Dog Eats It [via My Man Marvkus]
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Someone Please Put A
Stop To This Dying Trend

A huge peace the fork goes out to my girl & Jamie Lee Curtis' mum:

Janet Leigh

July 6, 1927 - Rocktober 3, 2004

You were one of the silver screen's sexiest sex kittens of all time. When I watched you in Psycho (one of the Thigh Master's all-time favs) as a youngin, and you were sporting that crazy/beautiful black pointy bra, I realized on that very special day that my mission in life was to remove women's bras. Thank you for everything you've given me. You will be missed. I hope yer happy Gus van Sant, cause yer HORRIBILICSTIC remake of Psycho drove her to the grave!!
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Sunday, October 3

Bitched @ Swirth?
Part 2,936

I mean, who doesnt apple Applebee's?
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Saturday, October 2

Pretty As A Picture

Photographer Richie Rich Avedon Is AveGONE!!

1923-2004
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Friday, October 1

Sukkah MCs

What you doing this weak end? I don't really care, but I thought it would be nice to ask. Anywho, here's what I'm doing...

- Being enlightened by Andy Rooney.

- Forcing you all by knifepoint to see Dig! (opening this weekend at the Sunshine in NY/Nuart in LA!). What, you'd rather see Will Smith play an f-in fish?

- Sitting on a couch

- Acting like a monkey when I see Supergrass @ Webster Hall.

- Going to the Dive Bar and watch the Skins take on the Browns, in what is sure to be NFL's most un-eggciting game of the week!

- Trying to understand what THX 1138 was all about.

- Staying away from all men when I hear 'Michael' at the Franz Federline show @ Roseland.

- Having my a$$ catch on fire at the Chile Pepper Fiesta.

- Scribbling the words 'Lindsay Lohan' in my notebook all day long.

- Building a sukkah out of Legos.
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Mean Swirls

- In the world of Lohan, LL tells Demi Moore and her Kabbalah bracelet to backdafuckup, her Dad pleads guilty to being a jacka$$, her music now has its own website, and her name was used as a password at some art opening at the Leslie-Lohman Gay Art Foundation.

- Although this is yer #1 source for all things Her Royal Thighness, we aint too pleased as punch that she's turning morer orange and trashier by the minute. So I need to think of possible replacements for her in my heart. Sure Ivanka and Cuthbert top the list, but one such hottie I'm keeping tabs on is one Marié Digby. I have no idea what her music sounds like and I can't even find much info on her, but she is so crazy beautiful/beautiful that if she cooked me microwaved tuna, I'd gobble it down without even flinching!

- Classified FBI files on John Lennon are to be released soon! What secrets lie in these documents? Here's some guesses:

* Lennon was a sex fiend who was super into plushies and furries
* The song 'Mean Mr Mustard' is about his ongoing feud with the CEO of Colman's Mustard.
* Yoko Ono used to drink milk out of cartons that were well passed their 'Best By' date.
* Mott The Hoople and Foghat were his guilty pleasures
* Ringo used to pilfer thru Lennon's garbage at the Dakota

- Remember dem douche bags suing McDonalds for spilling coffee all over themselfs? Wow, who knew that coffee was hot?! We now have another rocket scientologist out there who's suing White Castle because he were injured by 'unreasonably dangerous' onion rings. I don't think that's something you want to admit publicly. [via Made of Brawnsteeen]

- Why do cousins marry each other?

- Roberto Benigni's next project is an Iraqi comedy. Maybe it'll be a larf a minute like his Pinocchio that no one actually saw.

- The NY Museum of Television & Radio will be holding a special screening of The Office Special and a conversation with main man Ricky Gervais on Oct 18 (three days before it airs on BBCAmerica). Members can buy tickets now, otherwise anyone can buy em starting Rocktober the 8th.

- Christians take a break from the crusades to rip Mean Girls a new arsehole. [via ThatISJustRight]

- Czech out this un-eggsalad headline of Paul Brinkmann's, writer for The Green Bay Press-Gazette, latest article: Re-enactment of Historic Fight Won't Go Eggs-actly As Planned. Looks like the cheese-head stole some of my lingo! I mean who would do a thing like that in this day and age? Shmears, obvs!
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