Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Saturday, September 11

C'mon, Get Happy!

Cause

tour de sux

and

ivanka must have been adopted

and

these guys could beat rumsfeld and the pickle in a dance-off

[gif(t) 1nce again via Balloon Farm]


# C'mon, Get Happy!

Friday, September 10

Is It Football Season Yet?
Ells F#$KING YEAH IT IS!!

return of the king

- My main man TK Stack Money, aka Tony Kornheiser, gets all sorts of jiggy in his latest opus, about the seconding coming of his eggscellency, Skins coach Joe Gibbs. I mean, the guy may be a geezer, but dropping rhymes like, Who imagined so many years after that tease/That Norv would have been better off with John Friesz? shows he may be hipper than most hip-hoppers.

- Speaking of Del Redskins, there was a nasty lil internet hoax going around on CBS.sportsline yesterday about Clinton Portis being out for the next 8 to 12 weeks. My boy and fellow diehard burgundy and gold worshipper, Jon Juan de Kurr, freaked the f-in freak freak when he saw that info and proceeded to leave frantic voice mails on the Washington Post's Mark Maske and Nunyo Demasio's inboxes. I applaud him for his dedication to seeking out the truth and his unyielding love for dem Hogs, but this was a bridge too far. I've since committed my compadre for psychiatric evaluation to prevent him from becoming like that bizatch stalking Catherine-Zeta-Alpha-Omega-Jones-McDonald-Douglas.

- By the way, Skins are going 17-0. Yep, they'll even win during their bye week.

- Next Strokes LP may not be out for years. Whys is that? So they can take their jolly-a$$ time learning every riff the Cars and the Clash ever riffed? Get an f-in haircut and shower you post modern hipsters.

- It's a dog eat dog world, and now apparently a dog shoot man world. [via Spakula Shaker]

- Noah Wyle to leave ER at the season's end. I honestly didn't realize that that show was still on. Must See TV, eh? Yeah, maybe if yer blind!

- Peace the fork out Mikey Eisner. Maybe now's the time they unfroze Walt and let him run the show again.

- This IS the world's largest bottle of catsup. Does it also count as the largest bottle of ketchup?

save some of that green stuff for me, will ya Pops?
- Popeye turns 75 this year and what butter way to celebrate (besides inhaling some of his fine fried chicken) than by attending the 25th Annual Popeye Picnic in Chester, Illi-noise this weak end. Peep this mammoth list of events. I'm berry interested in whatever this 'Cash Giveaway' contest is on Sunday night.

- Green potato chips explained!!!

- I love these ads for Elle Macpherson's Intimates Lingerie. Hispecially the one of the topless chick with knives. Too bad not everyone agrees.

- The Dutch be so crazy. They have words like Neiwsjikciakskraewuiae, they let you buy the world's sickest ganj AND cheese, and they also pour Tabasco sauce on their crops AND have a 9/11 inspired film festival entitled, See, Fly, Die.

- How much awfuler can this Dukes of Hazzard movie get? Seann William Scott awfuler. [via Navi the Terrible]

- Andy Rooney loves the Soup Nazi. I love this planet so much.

- And finally, did Ali G ruin the world of bling?


# Is It Football Season Yet?
Ells F#$KING YEAH IT IS!!

i bet its not the blonde


#

Thursday, September 9

Digital Penetration

more scary than jeff fahey in the lawnmower man
- Here's one magazine I won't be beating off to in Rocktober: Playboy. Why? Cause they're rocktobering nekkid pics of video game heroines. I mean, what kinda sick-o would whack their mole to that stizz? Probably the same sick sick sick sick sick sick people who buy 1/8 of my company's product line. Speaking of video games, Atari is going buckwild on their back catalog and PBS is jumping on youth oriented bandwagon too! If only they could find a way to make Hercule Poirot as cool as Bam Margera. This isn't one of those ways.

- The WB needs to revive Dawson's Creek from the dead, cause their fall line-up stinks worse than microwaved chopped liver covered in crab guts. Commando f-in Nanny? Bloggah please, if Gerald McRaney needs the money that bad, we'll all send him 6 dollars to the APO of his choice. And Jack & Bobby? I'd rather see Sirhan Sirhan & Lee Harvey.

- I guess things are rather slow over at The Cack-Smoking Gun's newsroom, cause who really gives a flying burrito brother if Landon from Real World: Philagayphia assaulted a horse or not?

- Here's a list of 50 Weirdest Guinness World Records. Could you imagine having 98% of your body covered in fur or being 22.4 inches tall? I have enuff trouble getting around with my 22.7 inch dong [via My Man Marvkus]

- The Bermuda Triangle explained!!! Sorta...

- Click here if you want free passes to see Duran Duran perform on Carson Daly's 'talkshow'.

- New rings and things were spotted around Saturn's f-in region, I mean F-ring region. Ahhhhhh, that hit the G-spot, I mean the spot. By the way, whatever happened to 7-Up's Spot? Was he replaced by Orlando Jones, who was later replaced by Rolando Joans?

- Gorillaz, J5, Danger Mouse, and udders team up to help end genocide in Sudan.

- These CDs stink! And they kinda remind me of these floppy disks thingies my sister had in the 80s that did a similar thing.

- Too lazy to carry yo sunglasses and chopsticks? Tis yer lucky day!

- And to close up shoppe here, Dad Allegedly Attempts 8-Year-Old Son's Circumcision!!! That's purty f-ed up, but I still wouldn't ask Congress to pass a bill to end male genital mutilation. I don't like to mix my meat with cheese (see definition for smegma) [thanks for the tips Made of Brawn-steeen]


# Digital Penetration

Five Alive

Ray
OutFoxxing The Competition
View Trailer

its like a madame tussaud's wax figure come to life
Write this down folks, cause at Le Academia Awards next year, Jamie Foxx will walk up to the podium and accept the Best Male Actor Oscar for his performance as Ray Charles in the masterful biopic Ray. He isn't an actor in this film, he's a Transformer like Optimus Prime. Cept he doesn't transform into a diesel truck, but love actually into Ray Charles. This performance has to be seen to be-leafed. And what a perfect tribute to the man himself who just passed away this past June at the age of 73. And I can't bee leave for one second that any other movie that gets released between now and Oscar time will contain a single performance this unrelievable, and I don't think Foxx will ever hand in a performance this recockulas for the rest of his long career, and the only other memorable performance that remotely sticks out in my mind from 2004 is Jon Heder's performance as Napoleon Dynamite, and this run-on sentence will end now... or will it?
he's skiing on one ski!!!
I also gotta give oodles of props de leon to the casting department for enlisting the acting pork chops of BOTH Curtis 'Booger' Armstrong & Warwick 'Wicket/Willow' Davis in effective dramatic bit roles. Oh, Booger, what in the Right Said Fred happened to you? For you were the most under used and wasted talent that Hollywood ever produced. The writing was all over the wall of yer geniusness when you traded barbs as Herbert Viola with Agnes DiPesto on TV's Moonlighting. Cue Al Jarreau music. One last question Booger, why are you a member of the gang of Elusive Bicyclists?

Star 80
Bob Fosse Lives For Wet T-Shirt Contests
View Trailer

eric roberts and woody allen? someone get this girl some real screen romance!
Yep, you read that right, Broadway golden boy Bob Fosse directed a movie that contained a wet t-shirt contest. But the biopic Star 80 isn't about many a soaked boobies, but only the boobies and bushland of 1980's PMOY, Dorothy Stratten, who was killed at the hand of her loser husband/pseudo-pimp, cooked to well done perfection by Eric Roberts.
star sha8y
And can you imagine anyone better to play an absolute sleazeball than Julia's brother? It also doesn't hurt that he sports a porno mustache. Other reasons to czech this out: you get to see many a minutes of Mariel Hemingway's boobies, Cliff Robertson's take on Hef, and a young Keenen Ivory Wayans playing a comic doing a "White man does this, black man does this..." kinda schtick.

Before Sunrise
A Vienna Sausage Fest
View Trailer

french kiss my arse
I was avoiding this flick like the plague for years. Probably cause Ethan Hawke's mid-nineties faux-tee really bothered me back then. But I owe it to Ethan to watch it. I mean, I worked on his directorial debut (good luck trying to find the name Thigh Master on that crew list). And me armor Julie Delpy (pro-noun-ced, Jew-lee Dell pea). I often wonder why our good friends over at NonUsHotties.8k.com have never added her to their prestigious list. So after finally giving in, I'm smacking myself for waiting too long to see this sucker. What a gem this Linklater joint is. It was so cute and precious, that I slept with the DVD in my arms that night. I am an eager beaver cleaver to be seeing the Sunset sequel, as the ending of Sunrise was so open ended. And plus Delpy's voice makes me want to pour lemon and sugar all over her and eat her like a crepe.

Lifeforce
Where Else You Gonna See Patrick Stewart's First Screen Kiss?
View Trailer

nope, cpt piccard got his 1st screen kiss from a man...
It's basically Alien meets 2001 meets Poltergeist meets Dawn of the Dead meets The Omega Man meets crap on a stick. Did I mention than an alien chick that looks human is nekkid throughout a majority of the flick and all she wants to do is seduce men? Intrigued? Thought so.

Klute
What Kind Of a Name Is Poon?
View Trailer

watch out for that phone!
Can somebody please explain how Jane Fonda won the Best Actress Oscar in '71 for playing a prostitute? I guess all the voters were bowled over by the way her boobs looked in a turtleneck sweater. So you lady actressess out there, if you want to win the gold statuette, you need to start flaunting yer boobs. Like Julia Suckberts in Erin Boobbonovitch or like Helen Hayes in 1931's The Sin of Madelon Claudet (huh?).

If you can tabulate the amount of times I use the word 'performance' or 'boobies', and are the 1st to email me, I'll send you something!


# Five Alive

Wednesday, September 8

Ali Geez Whiz

- Although I've heard it's an absolute disappointment, me is still hexcited to czech out Sacha Baron Cohen do his thing in the 2002 flick Ali G Indahouse, which makes its US DVD debut on November 2nd (what a great b-day present that would make for the Thigh Master). The movie co-stars new Dumbledore Michael Gambon and Tim from The Office. We'll also finally get to see what his mate Ricky C and his girl Me Julie really look like. Peep the teaser trailer here.

i want to draw a map of hawaii on her chest
- The fine folks over at Use My Computer have some of the mos umcrediblelicious Lohan pics me has seen in months! She's not even uber-tanned/Oompa Loompafied in any of them.

- The Archdukes claimed the Mercury Prize. That was probably the safest bet since the cancellation of The Mullets.

- White Stripes NOT to split. Meg White, time to withdrawal that application from Arby's and get back to banging dem drums and floppin' dem boobies.

- Defamer deconstructs the Jersey Girl DVD box art.

- That Bastard, who be so Magnificent has uncovered the true lost brother of John Kerry: Count Chocula (see last pic in 4th row)

too cool for school

- A lot has changed since I was a senior in High School. Peep this fab collection of senior photos. [via Posh n Beckers]

- Rappers, hip-hoppers, and flip-floppers will have to pay for every sample used. Who said that originality was dead?

- Sure Iran, sure.

- Tear For Fears are going to re-attempt to "Rule The World". What, the Gary Jules "Mad World" royalties not paying the bills?

- Man shoots himself while demonstrating gun safety. Oh how I miss my days in Bloomington.

- Catster, it's like Friendster, but even more lame.

- Neue Yawkers, two free flicks for ewes: Shaun of the Dead & What The Bleep Do We Know!?.

- A European scientist wants to create a DNA library on the moon just in case something bad happens to Earth. Lets send Lohan's DNA there first so future generations of Thigh Masters can enjoy her... thighs.

- These be some purty pictures.

boy meets weird
- I know you want to own The Holy Grail & Jabba's bizatch Salacious Crumb (child not included). [via Navi]

- This has gots to be the longest review of Zardoz ever. [via Newbsy Russell]

- Guess which NFL team makes the most cash? Yep, the greatistist organization on the planet, The Washington Redskins. [via Senor Gombiergas]

- Play Mary-Kate Olsen's Crack-Man at yer own risk.

- German Caught Having Sex With Doll. Thankfully it wasn't with Kid Sister or My Buddy. [via Made of Brawn-stein]


# Ali Geez Whiz

Real World: Philagayphia
Libertees & Justjizz For All

Real World turns 15 and to celebrate, it's now 300% more gayer than ever. Sure, there's only two guys who are out of the closet (Willie & Karamo) from the get go, but the remaining two males (MJ & Landon, who could both easily play Christopher Atkins in a Blue Lagoon remake) are early trung candidates for heteroflexibility. But who really cares when the real stars of the show are Sarah and the 8th roommate, the lovely and very talented... Sarah's bosomy, busty, buxom, curvaceous, and voluptuouslicious breastszs. And as the BlogFather might say, bovs to those effin tees, even if they're fake plastic tees... I smell a Radiohead song in there somewhere. Call the country club cause we need some tees timeages.

too bad that finger was last seen up a man's anus

A Poor Richard's Almanac version of Lohan

how far do dem elbows go back?

I wish I signed up for this season's show cause with 2 of the guys straight up gay and 2 more on the way, she and her tees would have all been mine for buttering.


# Real World: Philagayphia
Libertees & Justjizz For All

Tuesday, September 7

Separation of Church & Stains

i cannot stand to see such filth... like this tv show
- The world's most lamestist show, 7th Heaven, is about to get a lil sexier this season cause one of the Camden kids is gonna partake in some premarital poonanny and penis action. However, 'don't expect anything more graphic than kissing and handholding.' Sounds more like 7th Hell if you ask me.

- Ever wanted to be the Skipper or Thurston Howell the III or bone a movie star and Mary Anne? Sign up to be a castaway on TBS' The Real Gilligan's Island. Too bad the Real Gilligan doesn't give his blessing.

- Or think yous gots what it takes to be a Harlem Globetrotter? Send yer info to Arizona.

- Fantabulous pairings: TiVo and Netflix, Stan Lee + Hugh the Hef, pecan waffles and my mouth, and Her Royal Thighness & His Royal Thighness.

- These bars of soap are killer! [via Zach de la Roachclip]

- Speaking of Mr Zach de la Roachclip, he's my boy and the f-in genius behind those Juicy Fruit ads where the pinata comes to life at a party. Well, his genius is on display once again with this Dummy ad for J-Fruit.

- We all love watching biznitches beat the fork outta each other. [via Curfurnurder]

- So did Santa Claus sip Pina Coladas at the North Pole 55 million years ago?

- Michael Moore wants more than a doc Oscar for his F-9/11. Would he be happy if Dinty Moore give him a lifetime supply of soup? And will the real Dinty Moore please stand up?

i kinda feel sorry for kerry and his face
- John Kerry not only looks like many a movie and cereal monsters, but Mr Snow Miser as well. [via Turlet Dropper]

- OK, which one of yous is going to buy me this Maryland Matters tee? I'm also searching for a Virginia Is For Losers tee if anyone knows of one. [via My Man Marvkus]

- "I was probably president because of Bob Redford." - Jimmy 'Crazylegs' Carter.

- Jeopardy, I mean, Ken Jennings is back!

- Who doesn't want to visit Molvania: The Land Untouched By Modern Dentistry? [via Pony Eggspress]

- Olav Heyerdahl to direct the sequel to grandaddy Thor's hit Kon-Tiki.

- Got a great idea like creating the world's first underwater Trapper Keeper or non-smelly tuna? Submit yers to Ideas Happen and they may just give you 25K to make it happen. I also want to bring Fred 'Rerun' Berry back from the dead.

- Bored? Play around with this guy and this thing.

- And you'all butter hurry to yer local auction site for authentic Hurricane Frances memorabilia before it's all gone or worthless!


# Separation of Church & Stains

Monday, September 6

Labor Intensive Day
Weak End In Review

My summer started with an absolute MD/DC sizzle and ended on a MD/DC super-high stizzle. If you can remember my memo to Memorial Day, me rocked the Delaware beaches, saw Live play live in the burbs for free, fed a talking pig trash, played air hockey, was tempted by a 'Best Sub Deal In America' advertising ploy, and hung out with me family & friends and my boy Jedidah. Well, Labor Day weak end came and passed and the only thing it had in common wit Memorial Day was that I chilled wit the fam and Jed. This time around I was joined by my brothers-in-arms and co-owners of my fantasy football team, The Nasty Shwag, The Thinker & The Steiner.

the taj mahal of america
It all started Saturday when me and The Thinker went to pick up our thrifty piece of shit car from Thrifty. They were all out of cars from their fine line of economy mobiles, so they offered us a lovely Chrysler Sebring convertible at no extra charge. (bi the weigh, car rental agencies are the only way most Americans will ever drive American cars). I was quite eggcited as I don't get to drive too often and the fact that I've never pimped a ride in a true convertible (unless you count a Corvette with t-tops). We headed down the ugliest turnpike known to man, the Dirty Jersey one. Half the way into our trip, right where Delawhere bleeds into Merryland, we stopped off at the mecca of roadside eats: Le Waffle House. 10 seconds and 76 lbs of eggs, waffles, and meat later, we were all in a food coma and back on route to Rocktown.

Later on Saturday, we peeped out my boy Davey Lashinkins & his lovely wife's fine DC abode, scarfed down some Mexicano comidas with crew + Jebidiah, met up with Joe E Tartar, and downed some brew and other brain cell killers while czeching out the hot biznatches at Sequoia in G-town.

Sunday had three goals:

no one butter than Mister Mr
1) Museuming - once again packing as much culture in a window of less than 4 hours. Didn't break my recent record of 5 with the Steiner (Met, Frick, Gugg, Neue, & Whit), but didn't do too shabby either rocking and pin-rolling thru the freeze dried ice cream at Air & Space Museo, gazing at the the money Monet's, Manet's, and mayonnaise at The National Gallery of Art (both East & West wingers), and paying mad respect to Oscar the Grouch, Mr Roger's neighborhood sweater, the Fonz' jacket, and Archie Bunker's chair at The National Museum of American History.

crab me from behind
2) Crabbing - yep, I hate crabs again. I mean I ate them again. This time with me ma and pa, sis and bro, their loved ones, and a cast of thousands... who came by for dessert. And oh boy, dem desserts! I lucked out with the greatest mumsy ever cause she never forced me to eat boring vegetables that I didn't like and she always made/makes the must yummy scrumptiousdiddlyrecockulous treats you did ever have ever eatenen. She whipped out a key lime pie, a chocolate-chip cookie pie, a peach cobbler, and some chocolate-peanut butter square thingie things. [Note: if you ever want yer mother to make u umcredible eats for no dang reason, make a point of complimenting her cooking from this day fwd]

bowling is life
3) Bowling - at the alley where I pitched a 231 over the July 4th weak end, the Bowl America in Ghettosburgh, MD. The six of us (myself, My Man Marvkus, Joe E Tartar, Jebidah, the Thinker, and the Steiner) happened upon the greatestist deal of the century. For 12 measly bones, you could bowl as much as you wanted to from 9pm to 1am. Sure I thought we'd knock back 3 games, but 6 or 7? That's f-in Lebowski Fest propositions. And with the money we saved, we put it all into alcohol, which never improves one's game, but makes the sport seem rather Herculean.

Monday had three goals:

1) Draft the rest of our keeper-style fantasy football team (see complete roster below).

2) Leave town.

3) Eat at Waffle House... again!!

see you later tim couch
Lessons learned from the not so weak, weak end:

1) If you've never been to a Waffle House, you shouldn't be allowed to vote or live in this country.

2) Washington DC is perfect for families with no money... all the museums are free!

3) Freeze-dried ice cream is still the ice cream of the future. Die in hell Dippin-Donts.

4) People who are allergic to cats shouldn't stay in a house with cats.

5) Live fantasy football drafts are the new crack-cocaine.

6) My mother and father are the breastestist (an ongoing lesson).

7) Never eat female crabs.

8) By law, it should be a right, not a privilege, to drive a Chrysler Sebring convertible.

And without further Freddy Adu, here's yer 2004-05 line-up for

Le Nasty Shwag

Quarterbacks
Peyto Peyton to the RCA dome piece Jeffery Gaycia misses San Fran

Running Backs
Michael West go for broke...en legs size double D Orange Julius Joneszes Eddie Ithaca is Georges this is suppose to be some bloke named tony hollings

Wide Receivers
the dude looks great in spandex throw meshawn the damn ball Boldinly goes where no man has gone before reggie williams is down wit dem pilgrims baby you can driver my car Lee Evans loves smaller pictures

Tight Ends
got em for shock value kinney shoes

Kicker
best polish kicker ever

Defense
da bears


# Labor Intensive Day
Weak End In Review