Wednesday, June 30
You've Been Served
Big ups and mad props de leon to my main man DJ Cackensen for serving 5 glorious years in our Navy. No more 130 degree shits in an Iraqi Port-A-Pottie for you bro! Thanks for serving our country better than McDonald's. We welcome you back to civilian life with open arms and plenty of Al Green albums. Gawd bless you dawg.
| Three Holes Of Pleazure
Weight An F-in Minute
 |
- Me peeped Ladysmith Black Mambazo's show at the World Financial Center Plaza last night. Money spot was when they rocked "Homeless", off of Paul Simon's Graceland. If I were dead loaded, I would hire them to sing in my office all day long. Sh%t be relaxing like the Joy of Painting with Bob Ross.
- Welcome to Lohan Planet. Today's topics are: Dooney & Bourke (whoever the scrooge they are) have chosen Ms LL as the new face for their product AND daddy Lohan doesn't pay his hotel billz. Pee es- can Friday's b-day celebration come any sooner?
- I'm sure most of these don't taste like chicken.
- Jackie White and his Seven Nation Army have lauched a jihad on a 26-year-old filmmaker who made a documentary about em. Will this turn out to be the most controversial movie since Lilo & Stitch? Stay tuned folks.
- Boo to this Coquette. Who-ray to this Coquette.
- This picture of the Olsen twits is too nasty to even post. [Link via Cef-Dawg]
- bangme.net and Commodore 64 porn. [Links via Tim "Fudger" Altie]
- What will be fall TV's least TiVoed show: I Hate My Job hosted by the Rev Al Sharpton.
And for shiz and nibbles:
- Chuck E. Cheese mascot attacked with pizza and threatened with a beating by an angry mum who said he wasn't paying enough attention to her child.
- Meet my wife, Ye Olde 96er: 6 pounds of beef, one large onion, two whole tomatoes, a half a head of lettuce, 1 1/4 pounds of cheese, top and bottom buns, and a cup each of mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, relish, banana peppers and some pickles. Just "some" pickles. What's up wit dat?
Qwik note: a lot of past postings will have pictures missing. Daddy Thigh Master is aware and working on it like a box of Popeye's fried chicken. Thanks for your pay-shence.
Tuesday, June 29
Alienating The Hipster Vote
Look folks, I'm all for anyone who isn't GWBusch, but I may have to change my mind about Johnnie Kerry after the announced line-up for the benefit concert in his honor (July 8 @ Radio City): The Dave Matthews Band? Mary J. Blige? Jon Bon Jovi? Wyclef Jean? John Mellencamp? Sarah Jessica Parker? Whoopi Goldberg? and Chevy Chase? What is this s%&#, Comic Relief 2004? Why stop there when they can rope in Yakov Smirnoff, El DeBarge, and Howie Mandel!! I mean, all the hipsters are going to vote for you anywayz Kerry, but may I suggest this as your line-up to guarantee you at least my vote: Franz Ferdinand, the Gorillaz, Lindsay Lohan, Jude Law, Air, Natalie Portman, Amy Sedaris, Ali G, Ludivine Sagnier, the White Stripes, Monica Bellucci and her twin pals.
Monday, June 28
Poker In The Ear
Poker In The Rear
 |
- One of the best non-fiction shows ever returns July 6th: The 2004 World Series of Poker. In the meantime, czech out what color commentator Norman Chad has to say about America's obsession with dodgeball.
- What do a fake mustache, a mullet, the solar system, and a keytar all have in common? This. [Link via Tim "Fudger" Altie]
- POLAPOLAPOLAPOLAPOLAPOLAPOLAPOLAPOLA.
- Bruce Willis seeks to end his baldness.
- Me and Lohan, the buxom 17 & 11/12th year old, must share the same brain. Both of our dream projects would be “a movie with Johnny Depp or Jude Law. I’m in love with them both.” Girl, you'll be a woman soon.
- Did you know that you should never carry a hoe into the house. If you do so by mistake, carry it out again and walk backwards to avoid bad luck. Damn hoes!! Click me for more superstitions.
- Time to get a rotary phone cause a Hungarian study found that mobile phones may damage sperm. I mean, text messaging isn't worth losing future generations of Thigh Masters, right?
- And finally, we can rest assure as Lawmakers Loosen Potluck Dinner Rules.
Box Office Bidness
More Biased Than Len Bias
 |
2. White Chicks – $19.6 million ($27.1 million) - "Worst movie of the year! You[Ebert] are so right. The make-up is just hideous. It doesn't work on any level whatsoever!! When they did the make-up, they should have gone on they set and said, 'Well guess what everybody, go home, we don't have a movie!'"
- Richard Roeper.
3. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
- $18.5 million ($67.2 million) - What's a cooler name, Rip Torn or his real name, Elmore Rual Torn?
4. The Terminal - $13.9 million ($41.8 million) - Their website gives me motion sickness.
5. The Notebook – $13 million (NEW) - I'm still holding out for Trapper Keeper: The Movie
 |
7. Shrek 2 - $10.5 million ($397.1 million) - Wurstest cross promotion evers: NASCAR & Shrek.
8. Garfield: The Movie - $7 million ($55.8 million) - Breckin Meyer's last three films leading up to this mastershit: Roberto Benigni's Pinocchio, Kate & Leopold, and Rat Race. He makes Jake Busey look like Laurence Olivier.
9. Two Brothers- $6.2 million (NEW) - Don't bothers.
10. The Stepford Wives - $5.2 million ($49 million) - Frank Oz is a true renaissance man of movies. He co-starred in Spies Like Us, wrote The Muppets Take Manhattan, and directed Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.
O The Places I Will Went
Tit was quite a weak end folks. Me hit up a screening of Fahrenheit 9/11, chilled with my Hotlanta/UK boy JK (who once dated Kate Beckinsale in like 5th grade), went to the Mets blowout of the Yanks on Saturdaze with me cousins, got stuck an N train right outside of the tunnel to Queens for 45 minutes, smacked up some sausage and Pilsner Urquell at what is sure to be a Blogga Paradise: The Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden, paid some long overdue hugs and misses to my Chi-town gal Randall, bid adieu to my Australian-bound compradre Scott-tay Teen Wolf, celebrated my gal Katty Kat's 21st, and peeped yet again, another stellar installment of Six Feet Under. And without further much ado about nada, here's yer weekly switched at birth with Rachel Griffiths:
Bitched @ Swirth?
Bitched @ Swirth?
Sunday, June 27
Google My Noodle Kugel
Folks and folkettes, Thighs Wide Shut is changing for the butter. I soon hope to lose the blogspot in the url, eat lots of fried chicken, and maybe eat some more fried chicken. Anywhozitz, you can now search the entire Thighs Wide world from this very site!! Just scroll to the very last post on this page and you will find this:
The 411 On
Fahrenheit 9/11
 |
And yeah, it's an important film for this election year, but it surely isn't timeless. If Bush wins in November, Moore and his opinion lose. And if Bush doesn't, was it Moore's doing or just the fact that people are sick and tired of the Bushman in the first place? Either way, in years to come, all the hype and hubb-bubb will die down and Michael Moore will take his muckraking to someone else's backyard. I mean, if Moore made a doc about any president, say Rutherford B. Hayes, he could make him look worse than Hitler sans watermelon.
F-9/11 is basically a liberal movie made purely for liberals. At the screening I took in, the very democratic NYC crowd applauded at every chance possible. It's really hard to get your point across when yer preaching to the choir, eh? But what about those voters/viewers who are on the fence? Well, they probably won't dislike Bush any more than they did before, but then again, they don't really want to vote for J Kerry either. And what about the conservative Bush supporters? They'll just dismiss it as a bunch of liberal soapboxing, which is basically is. Personally, I think Howard Stern and his censorship ordeals with the FCC have bigger impact on the election, than F-9/11.
However, I still urge you to go and see this slanted, yet honest documentary and form your own damn opinion. I mean, who's not going be entertained by 2 hours filled with Bushisms, him goofing off, and looking like an idiot, right? And besides Napoleon Dynamite, there really isn't anything that umcredible out in the theaters right now. But if you really want to see a jarring documentary that explores the political problems of yesterday and today, then look no further than last year's worthy Oscar winner, Errol Morris' masterpiece The Fog of War. Now let me get off my soapbox.
A Long Time Cuming
 |
- Wanna be cool like the Thigh Master? Then why don't you bid on these Temple of Doom collectible glasses. No time for eating Dr Jones!
- First Seacrest and now Winslet out? She's backing out of the Woodman's London-set film cause of the heavy load on her shoulders... her breasts.
- Boy named ESPN to be visited by... ESPN!!!
- Set times have been posted for this summer's Coney Island Siren Fest. Shit is going to be hotttttt like Buster Poindexter. Can't wait to buy me fifteen chili dogs from Nathan's.
- Casablanca's answer to Planet Hollywood: Rick's Cafe. Hopefully they don't have Play It Again Sam-dwiches on their menu.
- Cleavage, one of the breast documentaries I've ever seen, airs again tonight on A&E at 8 pm.
- What sorta sounds and looks like South Park? Trey Parker and Matt Stone's latest: Princess. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]
- The Newbs and his comedy series at Boston's Regattabar got some nyce press in The Globe.
- Itching to know what ever happened to that Encyclopedia Britannica Kid or what columnist Weed McBonghit will do with life after Phish? Czech out my comrades over at Inside Joke.TV for those answers and much, much more.
Saturday, June 26
Spears Fears Come True
Friday, June 25
Mad Max Beyond
The Geodesic Dome
the fat Elvis stamp that the people vetoed.
And why the fudgecicles is
R. Buckminster Fuller
so dang important?
Without him, Epcot Center and
Pauly Shore/Stephen Baldwin's Bio-Dome
would be very, very geodesic-less.
Your Vote Counts
An instant classic.
But should it stay or should it go?
You decide der Fuhrer's fate!!
Leave your comments below and win absolutely nothing!!!
Hans Moleman &
The Spiders From Mars
- One more reason to never have a car in NYC: DMX will try to steal it.
- Want to read a recap of Lebowski Fest 3 with less pictures of thighs and more words than mine? Czech out The Houston Chronicle's review.
- Speaking of fests, if you like peeping old fat men in blue and red tights, then by all means, get yer azz on over to Metropolis, Illy-noise for their annual Superman Festival. [Linka via Zach de la Roachclip]
- Gary Oldman's voice will appear in Star Wars: Episode III. Good move on his part, cause I wouldn't want my mug imortalized in this trilogy, which has been nothing but the crappiest of the craptacular crap. Thanks for pissing on my childhood George!!
- Set yer TiVos cause Napoleon Dynamite himself (Jon Heder) will be on Letterman next Wednesday, the 30th.
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- The US Court system is turning into a porno factory. First case in point: man drops pants and sticks his a$$ in the judge's direction. Second infraction of the penal system: a judge shaved his balls/peenie area, used a shlong enhancement pump, and gave himself plenty of HJs, all whilst presiding over cases. [Link via Tommy T and The Furious 6]
- I never ask you people for much (cept yer dirty undies and Franz Ferdie tickets), but we must all do something together. Vote for Andy Rooney as the sexiest newscaster in all the land! Didn't you know that curmudgeonism is the new heteroflexible?
- Three things that don't belong together: The 70's, Europe, and interior decoration. Say hello to Eurobad '74!!
- Boo. Boourns.
- And finally, someone, please marry this poor girl!! [Link via Amanda Huginki$$]
Thursday, June 24
All The News
That's Fit To Mint
 |
- Where does your name rank within the 1000 most popular American names? My sorry a$$ name is ranked #2. That's why I'm legally changing my name to Thigh Master. And people who name their children Del Monte or Courvoisier should be shot on sight.
- Perry Farrell is not giving up on this year's Lollapalooza. Hey Per, just get the Pixies, Lips, and Spree to play in NY for one day and all will be forgiven.
- Los Beasties' To the 5 Boroughs went straight to #1 on the Billboard Charts. Wow, sadly this is the 1st album I've bought in ages that's hit #1. I mean, I'd rather dump on Usher's CD than buy it.
- Australia seems to be a bit behind the times with this headline: Lindsay's So Hot.
- What do Mr. T, Pete Rose, the 6 Million Dollar Man, and the San Diego Chicken all have in common? They've all had their own candy bars or gum.
- Here's a lil time waster for you.
- The real reason the internet was invited: Rate My Camel Toe (NSFW) [Link via Tim "Fudger" Altie]
- Lettuce be honest here folks, what's all this hubbub about Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 gettin' an R rating? I guess I'm forgetting about all those 13-16 year olds who get to vote in November.
- Our pal The Thinker has taken his thinking over to Europe and the results are umcredible. Czech out his report from Venice.
- And finally, please whatever you do, don't click on this link that includes many a pictures of men with their wieners between their thighs. [Thanks, er no thanks to Warner Sistahs]
Wednesday, June 23
Potty Mouthin' Off
 |
- Speaking of the potties, if yer taking 365 dumps, trying landing a few at one of these top 5 shitters. [Link via Amber Waves o' Grain Alcohol]
- I thought the peeing disease I had was called "stage freight", but tits actually called paruresis aka bashful bladder syndrome. Now if they can only find the name for the other disease I have, peeing on cans of tuna fish for no reason. [Link via Joe E Tartar]
- And finally, this has nothing to do with a toilet, but these people need your help to name their baby. Some great suggestions I gave them were Seabiscuit, Bognaface, Poontangclan, Lohandjob, and Mummenschanz.
The Lebowski Fest Report
Ya Know, Lotta Ins,
Lotta Outs,
Lotta What-Have-Yous
So now its time to shed some light on the weekend that was the 3rd Annual Lebowski Fest. As previously mentioned, many a white russians, bowling pins, and fried chicken were downed in the span of 44 glorious hours. Lettuce get this party started
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Friday, June 18th
Me arrived in the smallest airport for a "major" city me have ever seen: Louisville International Airport (SDF). I bet the only international flights they make are to exotic Canada. Anywho, I grabbed a cab and headed to the waterfront for the first Lebowski event: a performance by My Morning Jacket and later, an outdoor screening of the film itself. The cabbie had no clue how to get there and was forced to use my Yahoo! Maps directions to steer us there. The rest of the Rocktown, MD Crew (Joe E Tartar, The Hof of the Nads, & RayKwan the Chef vs. Meth) were already there, getting more liquored up than Mickey Rourke in Barfly. On the way over, I spotted a beer store and plopped down $1.75 for my first can of Icehouse in about 8+ years.
My Morning Jacket put on a pretty decent show, but me was all revved up for the screening. About 4 beers and 3 white russians later, my head was spinning in circles. The movie was on, but I was too dazed to pay attention. Sure, people were shouting the infamous lines, but no one was performing in front of the screen ala Rocky Horror Picture Show. My man Ray(kwan) was so drunk, hot and botheredsome, that he left the screening an hour early to pass out in the car. Good move, as my swamp a$$ got worserer than it did at the Franz Ferdie show at Webster Hall just the night before. The night ended, and we retired to our quarters, which was this gorgeous country home on a grassy hill owned by Joe E Tartar's pals Pai R Squared and his wife Aim-e (insert picture not taken of amazing house).
Saturday, June 19th
After some restless hours of sleep and puking so hard that I bursted a few capillaries near my eyes, we gots up and gots ready to go. We arrived at Day 2's venue: Executive Strike and Spare bowling alley, parking lot, and mini-carnival grounds. Nothing much was doing, so me and my stomach convinced the gang to eat at one of my personal all-time flavorites, the rich man's Johnny Rockets, Steak 'n Shake. If you ever go, I recommend the Frisco Melt, double order of fries, and a plain vanilla shake.
After that food coma, we headed back to the place where we'd be for the next 11 hours. This "carnival" wasn't as lame as HBO's, but it mos def wasn't all that and an episode of All That. Sure there were some fun games of chance:
The Ringer Toss
.JPG)
And even the Hof and The E Tartar made
the Lebowski Fest.com photo gallery
Malibu Sheriff's Mug Toss
.JPG)
The Marmot Fling and what-have-you, but the prizes were weak, and we went through all of those games in about 10 minutes. Besides the "games", they also had live local musicians jamming all day long. The only one that grabbed our attention was Pocket Foxx and their lead singer, and her thighs.
.JPG)
Our bowling jonesing got the best of us and we broke down for two afternoon games. This was just a taste of the terror that my wrist would face later this noche.
.JPG)
As we chilled at the "carnival", the costumed Lebowski achievers arrived one by one. All the characters you'd expect were there:
The Dude and Walter
(one with Donnie's ashes in a can not pictured)
.JPG)
and of course Jesus (seen here with Liam)
.JPG)
But some peeps got all super creative on us and took the most obscure parts of the film and turned them into costumes. Check out this dude as the Dude's beloved Creedence tape or the three thousand years of beautiful tradition from Moses to Sandy Koufax, to Walter's worthy adversary, the man in the black pajamas. F-in classic with a K. Don't forget about the Cowboy and the Dude's landlord and his "cycle"...
.JPG)
The time was near for the weekend's marquee event: bowling. People started to line-up for it an hour and 1/2 early as there were only 52 lanes to accommodate the 1k+ people there. Me and the gang were determined to get a lane, and being 10th or so in line didn't hurt our chances. They opened the doors and everyone rushed in. We got to our lane and didn't vacate it until 7 games and 4 1/2 hours later. Shit was crazy. Pretty much just bowling, smoking 2314877234654 cigarettes, drinking $2.50 Miller lite longnecks, and meeting new friends like locals Patrick and Bo, who joined our lane for much of the evening. Raykwan the Chef beat the crap out of us all, posting several 180s. My best was a pathetic 145.
.JPG)
While the balls were rolling, there were trivia and costume contents and opportunities to meet the man behind the Dude, the real Dude, Jeff "the Dude" Dowd. If you don't bee leave me that he's the real dude, just watch the extra feature on the DVD with the Coen bros. The night ended and our wrists were literally about to become detached from our arms.
.JPG)
Sunday, June 20th - Father's Day
No Lebowski Fest related events occurred this day, so we dedicated it to seeing the real KY. First stop was a hangover brunch at The Colonel's wife's smograsboard of food, Claudia Sander's Dinner House in Shelbyville, KY (oddly enuff, near a town called Simpsonville). Sure the fried chicken was killer, but the real stars were the luscious sides. I'm drooling on meself right now thinking about the corn pudding, breaded tomatoes, creamed spinach, buttery biscuits, and 12748624543543 lbs of white gravy I inhaled. My body may not love me for it, but f-it, we only have one life to live and I'm going to eat as I please until a doctor orders me to stop eating fried chicken. Anyhowzit, I hadn't had such umcredible country home cooking' since the last time I visited Miss Mamie's Spoonbread Too.
After that, we czeched out Churchill Downs, home of the Kentucky Derby and mint juleps. Cause ya see, I'm an addict of anything and everything: eating, bowling, movies, and of course gambling. (Earlier in the weekend I was marveled by the 25 cent lotto cards they sold that were, get this, not scratch off, but PULL TAB!! What the fudge is that all about???) I lost about $25 worth of bones, but that's what happens when you don't know what yer doing and bet on all the horses in the same the race or just on the longshots. The Hof of the Nads hit an Exacta in one of the races and won a whopping 12 or so dollars. Basically that was that, I bid adieu to my hometown cronies, boarded my tiny plane, and finished off my Patty Hearst book (more on that laterz).
It was mad kick-ass and I recommend you all should attend any future Lebowski Fests. The next one is in NY in mid-August. Just want to give some final big ups to A & P for letting us crash at their dope pad and most of all to my Crew for dealing with my appetite for food that induces diarrhea and for being some of the greatest blokes in all the world (my mum agrees).
.JPG)
Friday, June 18th
Me arrived in the smallest airport for a "major" city me have ever seen: Louisville International Airport (SDF). I bet the only international flights they make are to exotic Canada. Anywho, I grabbed a cab and headed to the waterfront for the first Lebowski event: a performance by My Morning Jacket and later, an outdoor screening of the film itself. The cabbie had no clue how to get there and was forced to use my Yahoo! Maps directions to steer us there. The rest of the Rocktown, MD Crew (Joe E Tartar, The Hof of the Nads, & RayKwan the Chef vs. Meth) were already there, getting more liquored up than Mickey Rourke in Barfly. On the way over, I spotted a beer store and plopped down $1.75 for my first can of Icehouse in about 8+ years.
My Morning Jacket put on a pretty decent show, but me was all revved up for the screening. About 4 beers and 3 white russians later, my head was spinning in circles. The movie was on, but I was too dazed to pay attention. Sure, people were shouting the infamous lines, but no one was performing in front of the screen ala Rocky Horror Picture Show. My man Ray(kwan) was so drunk, hot and botheredsome, that he left the screening an hour early to pass out in the car. Good move, as my swamp a$$ got worserer than it did at the Franz Ferdie show at Webster Hall just the night before. The night ended, and we retired to our quarters, which was this gorgeous country home on a grassy hill owned by Joe E Tartar's pals Pai R Squared and his wife Aim-e (insert picture not taken of amazing house).
Saturday, June 19th
After some restless hours of sleep and puking so hard that I bursted a few capillaries near my eyes, we gots up and gots ready to go. We arrived at Day 2's venue: Executive Strike and Spare bowling alley, parking lot, and mini-carnival grounds. Nothing much was doing, so me and my stomach convinced the gang to eat at one of my personal all-time flavorites, the rich man's Johnny Rockets, Steak 'n Shake. If you ever go, I recommend the Frisco Melt, double order of fries, and a plain vanilla shake.
After that food coma, we headed back to the place where we'd be for the next 11 hours. This "carnival" wasn't as lame as HBO's, but it mos def wasn't all that and an episode of All That. Sure there were some fun games of chance:
And even the Hof and The E Tartar made
the Lebowski Fest.com photo gallery
The Marmot Fling and what-have-you, but the prizes were weak, and we went through all of those games in about 10 minutes. Besides the "games", they also had live local musicians jamming all day long. The only one that grabbed our attention was Pocket Foxx and their lead singer, and her thighs.
Our bowling jonesing got the best of us and we broke down for two afternoon games. This was just a taste of the terror that my wrist would face later this noche.
As we chilled at the "carnival", the costumed Lebowski achievers arrived one by one. All the characters you'd expect were there:
(one with Donnie's ashes in a can not pictured)
and of course Jesus (seen here with Liam)
But some peeps got all super creative on us and took the most obscure parts of the film and turned them into costumes. Check out this dude as the Dude's beloved Creedence tape or the three thousand years of beautiful tradition from Moses to Sandy Koufax, to Walter's worthy adversary, the man in the black pajamas. F-in classic with a K. Don't forget about the Cowboy and the Dude's landlord and his "cycle"...
The time was near for the weekend's marquee event: bowling. People started to line-up for it an hour and 1/2 early as there were only 52 lanes to accommodate the 1k+ people there. Me and the gang were determined to get a lane, and being 10th or so in line didn't hurt our chances. They opened the doors and everyone rushed in. We got to our lane and didn't vacate it until 7 games and 4 1/2 hours later. Shit was crazy. Pretty much just bowling, smoking 2314877234654 cigarettes, drinking $2.50 Miller lite longnecks, and meeting new friends like locals Patrick and Bo, who joined our lane for much of the evening. Raykwan the Chef beat the crap out of us all, posting several 180s. My best was a pathetic 145.
While the balls were rolling, there were trivia and costume contents and opportunities to meet the man behind the Dude, the real Dude, Jeff "the Dude" Dowd. If you don't bee leave me that he's the real dude, just watch the extra feature on the DVD with the Coen bros. The night ended and our wrists were literally about to become detached from our arms.
Sunday, June 20th - Father's Day
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It was mad kick-ass and I recommend you all should attend any future Lebowski Fests. The next one is in NY in mid-August. Just want to give some final big ups to A & P for letting us crash at their dope pad and most of all to my Crew for dealing with my appetite for food that induces diarrhea and for being some of the greatest blokes in all the world (my mum agrees).
Tuesday, June 22
100 Songs
Mostly Wrong
 |
- "Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)" by Kenny Rogers and the First Edition in Big LebowskiWhat are some of your favorites? If you post "Kokomo" by the Beach Boys in Cocktail, I will ban you from posting...
- "Holiday Road" by Lindsay Buckingham, from National Lampoon's Vacation
- "Lust For Life" by Iggy Pop + most every song in Trainspotting
- "The Goonies R Good Enough" by Cyndi Lauper in The Goonies
- "Who Will Buy?" by various cast members, from Oliver!
- "Rhapsody in Blue" by George Gershwin in Manhattan
- "Pinball Wizard" by Elton John and the Who in Tommy
- "I Love You To Death" by The Village People in Can't Stop The Music
- "The Cantina Theme" from Star Wars
- "Don't You (Forget About Me)" by Simple Minds in The Breakfast Club
- "View To A Kill" by Duran Duran in the best Bond movie ever to co-star Grace Jones
- Every "Oompa Loompa" song from Charlie & The Chocolate Factory
- "All Along The Watchtower" by Hendrix in any movie about the 60s or Vietnam
- "Mustang Sally" by and in The Commitments
- The theme song to "The Neverending Story" by Erasure
- "Wild Wild Life" by The Talking Heads in True Stories
- "These Boots Are Made for Walking" by Nancy Sinatra in Full Metal Jacket
- "If You Leave" by OMD (Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark) in Pretty In Pink
- "Oo-de-lally" from Disney's Robin Hood
Electric Lady'sThighLand
 |
- The countdown for Kill Bill 3 is ON. 14 years, 11 months, 364 1/8 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes, 59 seconds, and 29 frames later, we'll finally get to see it.
- Scientists have just developed an antidote for the worst plague since The Spin Doctor's last album: burping sheep
- Get this, Woody Allen's next joint will be his FIRST movie completely devoid of New York City. See you later Jason Biggs, and hello London and some of their NonUSHotties, Kate Winslet and Emily Mortimer.
- A job that would allow me to meet a lot of people and cuss at them too: Massivetwoshits toll both operator.
- 99 hippies and the bitch aint one as Jay-Z helps NY kiss Phish goodbye for good. But they'll be back, like my girl Martina Navratilova.
- Triple L: Lindsay, Lohan, (the) Lord.
- Da Ali G Show: Season One DVDs. Out on July 20th. Or is it August 17th? Now I can finally get them off my TiVo and out of my dreams and into my car.
- Kylie Minogue may be the next Bond girl, but the Broccoli family aint letting her sing the next Bond theme song. I'll bet they go with Willie Hung doing a cover of Guns 'n' Roses' cover of Paul McCartney's "Live and Let Die". Speaking of covers and from the same artilce, William Shatner is inviting Jarvis Cocker to appear in his video for his cover version of Pulp's "Common People". And speaking of that same article, again, they have a bit saying that Britney Spears is in serious talks for a tasteful spread in Playboy. Insert tasteful spread joke here.
- Will this be the single greatest movie about chicken and/or waffles ever: Roscoe's House of Chicken and Waffles: The Movie? The country just keeps on getting better and better. Thanks George Double U Bush for making all of this possible, and to you Kid Kadoji, for brining this to my attention.
Good Morning,
Good Morning
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Monday, June 21
Box Office Bidness
From Krakozia To
The Crackhouse
 |
- $30 million (NEW) - Apparently Ben Stiller's wife/Melody from Hey Dude is slowly building up an impressive comedic resume: The Brady Bunch Movie(s), The Wedding Singer, and now this? I may have to remove my jihad on Vince Vaughn movies and czech it out.
2. The Terminal - $18.7 million (NEW) - Senor Spielbergo, yer f-in lucky you landed two thumps up from Fatman and Closet-Gaydawg, cause I hear this movie causes terminal illness from all the Velveeta cheese oozing from the script. I mean, if yer gonna throw Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas-Omega-Phi-Slamma-Jamma into the mix, at least make her do a dance with tassels on her ta-tatties.
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4. Shrek 2 - $13.6 million ($378 million) - What's green, messy, and isn't really funny? Shrek and a case of the green apple splatters.
5. Garfield: The Movie - $11 million ($42 million) - Jennifer Love Twotits, time to give up on the whole acting thang and start stripping for cash.
6. The Stepford Wives - $9.2 million ($39.4 million) - Nothing is sacred anymore. Expect a Gus Van Suchs shot-by-shot remake of Citizen Kane starring Casey Affleck in years to come.
7. The Chronicles of Riddick - $8.3 million ($41 million) - Me buddy Mark w/ a 'c' came up with a great project for Sir Triple X-meathead: Vin Diesel and Jim Caviezel in Van Gogh's Easel.
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9. Around the World In 80 Days- $6.8 million ($9 million) - With such a strong start as the at the box office on its first weekend, they should have no problem recouping the $110 million they spent on it. Could this be one of the biggest failures that I will probably never see since Wild Wild West?
10. Troy $1.7 million ($128.9 million) - I can't wait til Troy gets bounced from this list next week cause I'm running outta material. I Image.Googled the word "troy" and this is the best picture I could find.
Gravediggaz
Did you catch last night's episode of Six Feet Under? If not, get a life and click on this really stoopid picture. Anywho, sheet just keep getting better. First off, was that Kitty Farmer from Donnie Darko who got offed at the beginning and then got Nate off in his dreams? Well, sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion. And how bout the BJ David got from the plumber, eh? Maybe in the future they'll have a crossover with The Sopranos and that one really fat Italian dude will lick his mushroom in a construction site parking lot. The man who's stealing the show this year is none other than Fisher & Diaz's apprentice, Arthur Martin. He's one of the greatest fringe TV characters since Larry's other brother Darryl on Newhart. And when Babe the pig's owner was eating Arthur's monogrammed yogurt, much to his disgust, that wasn't TV, that was pure HBO! But seriously, what's Justin Theroux's deal. He went from having his choice of lesbian hotness in Mulholland Dr to a girl who looks eggzactly like Hedwig or even at The Thinker's suggestion, Mary Gross, from the film no one saw, Feds. Judge for YO self...
Bitched @ Swirth?
Post Script - Kevin Spacey beware... Mena "Surfin" Suvari and her 9.6head are going to have a threesome with Claire at some point this season.
Bitched @ Swirth?
Post Script - Kevin Spacey beware... Mena "Surfin" Suvari and her 9.6head are going to have a threesome with Claire at some point this season.
Eyebrowse
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- The new, new Coke, C2 has 1/2 the carbs and 1/2 the calories, but also 1/2 the taste of Coke Klassic. Screw that, when are the suits finally going to re-release Mister Pibb's wife, Mrs. Pibb?
- Double yer chance peeps, and sign-up for more free tickets to Hilary Duff's latest stink-bag of a movie called, A Cinderella Story. This movie may love actually turn out to be a wurster movie than Sleepover. I guess I'll just have to see them both before forming my opinion.
- We are only one wee month away from a new batch of Ali G episodes. He interviewed Sam Donaldson and asked him about Richard Nixon's involvement with the Waterworld scandal. Genius times 9 x 999999999999999, times 10-10-10-10-10-10-10, 11-11-11...
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- Fatburger may headed eastward, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't head westard ho for this: French fry guys, Air, are Cali bound on Friday, September the 24th at the Bowl
in Santa Barbara and Sunday the 26th at the Hollywood Bowl, performing for the first time ever with a live orchestra. Tickets for the show and are on sale now. Other bands on the bill will be announced soon.
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Sunday, June 20
Obviously You're
Not A Golfer
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A: Your not so humble narrator, The Thigh Daddy and the Rocktown Crew (Joe E Tartar, The Hof of the Nads, & RayKwan the Chef vs. Meth) and our fellow brethren, the 1K + fellow achievers.
But seriously folks, as much as I want to disclose all this weekend's shamrocks and shenanigans (best worst song ever) that occurred at the 3rd Annual Lebowski Fest, I'm going to have to hold off until I have all of the pictures as visual evidence. Stay tuned on this developing story as it all already happened...
Friday, June 18
This Just In...
using the word "retarded"
This whole ordeal has just been
too mongoloidrific for words.
Tits All Ways
Butter On Holly Daze
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Anywho, here's some crap to get you thru the day...
- Since So Sayeth the Peabs went the way of the VHS cassette, the Coz had to do something with his flizzum and ecto-flazzum. Unfortunately, that flimbozzol has been turned into a new cartoon called Fatherhood. Coz, wtf? Why not give the Peabs and the peoples what they want: Leonard Parts 1-5.
- Speaking of le Coz, his son Theo is going to play the Queen Mermaid in Coney Island's annual Mermaid Parade, next Saturday, the 26th. And get this, the ever-bald Moby, he's going to suit up to portray King Neptune!!
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- Raj Ebert's gone insane. Although I have yet to see it, how could he give the shmaltz-a-thon known as The Terminal 3 n' 1/2 stars and the breast comedy since Lebowski and Rushmore a measly 1 n' 1/2 stars? This is the greatest injustice of halves since the Fonz directed Cop & 1/2.
- Madonna wants people to start calling her Esther. Madge, are you trying to make everyday be Purim or something? And also Material has-been, Jewish people don't wear huge crosses or hump them either.
- My girl Vega$, and fellow LL fanatic, has just joined the Blogosphere. Her thang, Cityrag, hasn't been up too long, but has already got the attention of them peeps over at Gawker, and for good reason, cause it f-in rocks... just like LL.
- Do you like bukkake? [Link via Tim "Fudger" Altie]
- Germans beware, there's a samurai on the loose!
- And finally, an Oregon doctor told his patient that having sex with him would help her pelvic pain. I think tits about time I left my job at the cartoon porn factory and got my a$$ into the medical profession! Have a kick-a$$ weak end everyone!!!
Franz-tastic!!
The When: Thighsday Nite
The Where: El City, Webster Hall, home to many bridge and tunnel folk
The What: Franz Ferdinand knocking the balls to the wall!
Yep, I'm afraid to admit it, but Franz Ferdie is the real deal, unlike Buster Douglas' Knockout Boxing on Sega Genesis. They is mos def the greatest thing to be exported from Scotland since Trainspotting. Peace out Strokes, cause yo days are numbered. Hope you didn't spend the money that your daddy saved up for you.
Long story short: me missed the boat on FF tickets so me was forced into the world of Craig's List and eBay price gouging. Me was too busy at work to deal with this crap so me girl Megbot stepped up to the plate like she was Cecil "F-in" Fielder and scored some reasonably price gouged tickets. Too bad she must have eaten turkey burgers, cause el Megbot got food poisoning and couldn't even go to the show!! (insert unhappy face) Enter the Thinker. His a$$ is about to be exported to the land mass known as Europe and what a killer way to send em off, eh? Ich heisse Su-per-fan-tas-tisch!
Yesterdaze just so happened to be the very beginning of monsoon season in El City and I didn't wear me rubbers or carry me trusty umbrella. So I got completely drenched on my way to pick up the tickey-ick-ets. To make (family) matters worse, when el Thinker and myself arrived at the venue, we realized that this wasn't yer daddy's Franz Fizzlnand concert. The place was packed to the gills with hipsters of all shapes and sizes. Most of them fell under these stereotypes listed on this handy Hipster Bingo board. We had to elbow our way to the bar where we set up shop for the next hour... I mean, FF only has one album of material, so wees weren't eggspected a 3-hour Phish crap-a-thon. Now I can deal with $7+ beers, but I guess me needs some tips from Mandy Moore if I want to learn how to deal without A/C. El Paso, Tejas needs to be stripped of its newly bestowed title, Swamp-Ass Capital of the US, cause without A/C, my grundle area won that title in about 4 seconds. But hey, this is FF and if they can make all the jaded hipsters dance, then I'm going to shake my a$$ too, like I was in that "Rump Shaker" video by Wreckx-n-Effects.
The highlights of their energetic, pitch-perfect, hour long set included: the "Hava Neglia" guitar riff in "The Dark of the Matinee", playing my FFFT (favorite Franz Ferdinand tune) "Tell Her Tonight", me coming and dancing to their heteroflexible ditty, "Michael" (Editor's note: 'Michael' is such an awful first name, right?), and of course, amassing more swamp a$$ per minute than I did during Coachella Part I, II, or III! Long live frozen chocolate covered bananas!!!
The Where: El City, Webster Hall, home to many bridge and tunnel folk
The What: Franz Ferdinand knocking the balls to the wall!
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Long story short: me missed the boat on FF tickets so me was forced into the world of Craig's List and eBay price gouging. Me was too busy at work to deal with this crap so me girl Megbot stepped up to the plate like she was Cecil "F-in" Fielder and scored some reasonably price gouged tickets. Too bad she must have eaten turkey burgers, cause el Megbot got food poisoning and couldn't even go to the show!! (insert unhappy face) Enter the Thinker. His a$$ is about to be exported to the land mass known as Europe and what a killer way to send em off, eh? Ich heisse Su-per-fan-tas-tisch!
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Thursday, June 17
Wear To Begin?
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- Is MC Hawking the best dumbest thing since that "Ebonics" Delta Airlines commercial? See for youself. And the sad part is that you can actually buy a cd of that crapple. [Links via Shady Acreson]
- Just what the good doctor ordered, chest hair insurance.
- Mad good concert buzz is abound over at ProductShizzleNYC. How does a crazy/beautiful rock fest featuring Iggy & the Stooges, NY Dolls, Hives, Raveonettes, and more at Randall's Island in August sound? Pretty f-in mint, like a box of Girl Scouts' Thin Mints! And it doesn't stop there folks... Los Beastie Boys are heading to all 5 boroughs to promote To the 5 Boroughs, on June 23rd. William S. Burroughs could not be reached for comment as he is dead. And speaking of the Beasties, they made an appearance on some MTV special Tuesday night and the whole time Jim Shearer kept trying to hug all three of them. MCA dissed him and held out his fist instead.
- Don't shit where you eat Seacrest. Cowell made you and he can just as easily send you back to yer busboy job at I.H.O.P.
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- I couldn't show you where Croatia is on a map, and I mos def have no idear who pop star Severina Vuckovic is, but here's a NSFW link of her doing all sorts of things with a man. [Links vonce again via Shady Acreson]
- How do you make a boring movie about tennis co-starring Jon Favreau interesting? You make Kirsten Dunst wear a skirt and have her bounce around a lot. Check out the trailer here for Wimbledon. For an example of Dunst bouncing, please click me (F.U.B.A.R.ers need not apply, you've probably seen this 12382139801324 times.
- In 1983 all over again. Or maybe 1997. Duran Duran AND Prodigy will drop new albums in the near future!
- It's a bit early to start thinking bout Valentine presents, but nothing sez love like these Adult Fragrance Oil scents: 'Bump & Grind', 'Eat It Raw', and the ever popular 'Booty Call'.
And now for some Qwik Bitz from around the world...
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- A 19-year-old British lad offered up his virginity for bidding on eBay. I guess he gets rejected by a lot of woman. Well, eBay rejected his a$$ too!
- Only in Indiana could a 78-year-old woman shoot herself with a shotgun whilst trying to kill some squirrels.
- Liz-adies, yer eons of waiting are over! Please help us welcome the She-Pee urinal to be introduced at this year's Glastonbury Festival!
- And to tie up all loose anuses, I can now safely say that I will never ever live in El Paso, Texas cause it was just named The Swamp-Ass Capital of the US.
Wednesday, June 16
Me Fail English?
That's Unpossible!
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- Congrats are in order for the most un-fantabulous union since Alanis Morissette & Dave Coulier: Alanis Morissette & Van Wilder.
- Speaking of Harry Potter's wood, check out what happens when you replace the word 'wand' with 'wang' in the first Harry Potter book. And I hear if you start Harry Potter & The Chamber of Secrets and Weird Al's Poodle Hat at the same eggzact time, they be in sync just like the Zard of Oz and Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon! [Link via My Man Marvkus]
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- Breast mug shot since James Brown's?
- Who wears 70s glasses, a super-shady mustache, and has more ironic t-shirts than me? This guy! What's got two thumbs and loves BJs? [me using my thumbs to point at myself] This guy! [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]
- They say that Virginia is for lovers. I say it's for losers. And some say for pedophiles. [Link via Wanamaker]
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- Paris & Nicole, Round 2, Tonight @ 8pm AND 9pm (EST). Lettuce get this part-tay started!!!
- And finally, three words I enjoy; Duff, movie, free. And here's three words Fletch enjoys; Marvin, Velma, and Provo. (and whilst we at it: Sugar Mr. Poon? No, never, never.)
Tuesday, June 15
I'm A Dynamite Whore
 Pic courtesy of Chillary G |
The last of those was this past Thursday. My posse and some lucky TWS readers were treated to a real treaty treat. The free shwag (I don't call free stuff 'swag') doled out was the mos supreme-o evs! I loaded up on as much Napoleon stickers, Napoleon trading cards, Napoleon chap-sticks, Vote For Pedro buttons, tater tot t-shirts, and even plastic nunchucks, that my pockets could support. As we exited the theater, there were mounds o' tater tots and box o' milks laid out for our vittlenessness. It didn't end there. As we approached the lobby, the f-in MAN himself (in character) was there interviewing people for some MTV promotion. Being a man of no shame, I o' course approached him and allowed myself to be filmed. I'm Amish and normally wouldn't let my soul be captured into a life recording box, but everyone has a breaking point, right? I told him that this was my 3rd time seeing his movie and he noted that he'd only seen The Neverending Story that many times in a theater. I asked him if the Rock Biter was his favorite and he claimed that Falcor was. We parted ways, but I knew we'd be BFF (breast friends forever).
Over the weekend, I felt bad that I had seen the movie for free 3 times, so when Levittown, The Thinker, Gomberino, and myself couldn't agree on a movie to see, I took one for the team and told em we had to see it. So for the record, I've now seen Nap Dyna four times, three for free, and in the process me now own 3 different Nap Dyna related t-shirts. I think I'll take a breather before seeing it again, but I think my personal best of seeing Pulp Fiction 7 times in a theater will remain untouched. So don't listen to Ebert kids, just go and see Napoleon Dynamite NOW (or whenever it opens in yer backwater town).
Booyakasha!
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- Pseudo-lesbians/musicians t.A.T.u. are changing their name to t.E.m.A and to tone down their lip reading antics!! This is the worst news I've heard all day since INXS decided to find their new lead singer via reality TV!!
- DC folks, Fort Reno's free summer concert series is up and running again. The July 1st Ted Leo/The Evens (Ian MacKaye's side project) show is not to be missed. As for the open August 12th slot, I wouldn't be sirprized if Fugazi dropped by...
- The Friars Club turns 100 years old! Abe Vigoda is 17 years behind.
- I didn't think the world of this, but you may. [Link via Curiousiya]
- World's worst/best coverband: Camp Freddy.
He looks so thrilled too!
[Link via Warner Sisters]
- "Alpha Beta Gaga", the mos umcredible song off of Air's Talkie Walkie, now has a whistling website.
- Czech out this long-a$$ article on LL in the The Guardian.
- Like pictures AND hipsters? Click no further! [Link via Big Worm]
- One more reason why I wish I was Richard Branson...
Monday, June 14
Box Office Bidness
Attack of
Jena Malone's Forehead
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2. The Chronicles of Riddick - $24.2 million (NEW) - A friend of mine's sister actually named her kid Riddick a few years back. When I have a daughter, I'm going to name her Dame Judy Thigh Master.
3. Shrek 2 - $23.3 million ($353.3 million) - Here are some words that almost rhyme with 'Shrek': shrapnel, crap, Shabbat, crack, schmegma, and plinko!
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5. The Stepford Wives - $21.4 million (NEW) - Although I know in my heart that this can't be butter than the original, I still hate Bette Midler and her website.
6. The Day After Tomorrow Never Knows - $14.5 million ($153.1 million) - Jake Gyyyyllllleeennnhhhaaaalll, you will always be Donnie Darko, not Superman. And tell Kirsten Dunst to get out of my dreams and to get into my car.
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8. Troy $3.4 million ($125.6 million) - Most useless trivia from this movie: Achilles shouts Hector's name nine times when he is waiting at the gates of Troy.
9. Saved! - $2.5 million ($3.7 million) - I just heard that Jena Malone and her forehead were signed on to play Mister Softee's wife in a new movie.
10. Mean Girls- $1.4 million ($81.3 million) - See Lindsay Lohan in her last movie before she went all Oompa Loompa on us.
The Knows Nose
Wanna be cool like that guy, well then buy one! And the scariest part is that someone I know who has used that apparatus and he swears by it. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]
- The Son of Sam, aka David Berkowitz, has the illest psycho killer blog evs! His favorite movies include Summer of Sam, Seven, and Taxi Driver! And his favorite album of the 90's was Ice-T's rap metal pet project, Body Count.
- What's the only way, former Thighs Wide Darling, Sarah Mish-smells Gellar can get any press these days? By being stalked by lesbians! And what's the only way Lukas Haas can get any press these days? By being there while Buffy was being stalked by lesbians! Go Lukas!
- It has been a goal of mine to see all of me favorite bands live at least once in my life. I'll cross Prince off that list in July, and I'm happy to say, Arrested Development too! The "Mr. Wendal" crew will be bringing their tunes for free to Brooklyn's Brower Park for FREE on July 21st.
- And speaking of FREE... I aint no Metallica fan. Never have been. But I dare you to watch this trailer for a new documentary about em and NOT want to see it FOR FREE (only for you Beantowners, Chi-Townians, D-Rockers, Shangra LA-Lers, Philly Cheesesteakheads, Carmen San Diegoians & Fransicians, DC-hers, and o' course, The City Folks)! Exit light. Enter night... OK, so I like 1 or 2 of their songs.
Why can't baseball be more umcredible like Sumo wrastling?
- The market price for eating the tails off of live mice is a whopping $346. But to these two Aussies, it'll cost em $52,050 each to win that $346.
- A cleaner version of Sex And The Boring is now running on TBS. Now I really don't ever want to ever watch that crap ever. Quoth the raven, "Nevermore!"
- We all love things that loop over and over. [Link via Tim "Fudger" Altie]
- Wagamama is soon to open in the United Arab Emirates. What, no love for the Yankee dollar?
- And from LL Central, Lindsay Lohan is more of a wordsmith than William Wordsworth: "All of these like voices start saying you've to push the button to say what the emergency is; They probably thought that somebody was dying and like bleeding to death." Like omg! Have anything to add LL Cool Girl? "...it's so retarded." Oh Lindsay, I love you for who you are and not for how much your parents beat the crap out of each other!
Sunday, June 13
Six Feet Wonder
Good to see that HBO's best show ever (besides Arli$$), Six Feet Under, has picked up right where it left off. This season's going to be hUge. Will Federico get head from more hookers? Will Nate stop moping and be happy that he never has to look at Lili Taylor's ugly mug again? But more importantly, will Brenda reveal that she's actually Hedwig of Hedwig and the Angry Inch fame? See for yo-self...
Bitched @ Swirth?
And please don't confuse this amazing show with this band spawned from Satan.
Bitched @ Swirth?
And please don't confuse this amazing show with this band spawned from Satan.
Saturday, June 12
Back To The Failure
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And don't be scared if you see these faces along the way cause they is our friends and guides on this wonderful trip down DeLorean Lane...
- Ever seen a gold DeLorean? So crazy/umcredible. If I ever get rich, I'm going to buy ThighsWideShut.com and a gold DeL!
- Move over you crazy Shriners with yer fez caps, cause these babies should be in evey parade ever! So illest!!
- Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny Carson's DeLorean!
- Best saga since Star Wars Episodes IV-VI: The DeLorean Saga.
- Is this DeLorean heaven?
- Our buddy Tamir stalked the man himself, John Z DeLorean! And Tamir also stalked the rest of the DeLorean family! Daughter DeLorean lookin' mighty fine!
- Tamir conducted an amazing written interview with Johnny Z DeLorean: Part 1 & Part 2
- Think yer some DeLorean genius like my boy Tamir? Cha-right. But try the quiz anywhozitwayz!
- Can you say obsessed?
- DeLorean hits the airwaves and goes to the movies! And these DeLorean commercials are the bees' grundle.
- Here's the greatest combos since the pepperoni pizza kind: Huey Lewis & a DeLorean AND ZZ Top & a Delorean!
- And finally, yep, there's even DeLorean porn! Click here for clips! (Sorry folks, but no nudity)
Friday, June 11
Dot Calm
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- Ultragrrrrrl, alive! And apparently running for President.
- A Japanese dude's body, complete with pajamas, was found 20 years after his death! Luckily, he wasn't caught dead wearing any of those Jams surf shirts from the 80's. [Link via A Cruise-Spanko]
- Could you imagine a day without a Mexican? These people tried to. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]
- The 2nd wurst thang I've heard all day since Shrek 3 & 4 were greenlit: Legally Blonde, the f-in musical!
- I've heard of balls on one's chin, but this is f-in re-cock-u-lus... [Link via Tommy T & The Furious 6]
- I'm Rick James, bitch! No, Dave Chappelle is.
- Word on the street is that dogs can actually understand us. However, they can't understand why anyone would pay money to go see Good Boy!. [Link 1nce again via A Cruise-Spanko]
- From the land of Popbitch... Best name this side of the Majestic Mapp: Rusty Kuntz. Honk if yer horny... Henri Horny. And want to see the hottest Britney Spears nude photo evs? Click here.
- US Attorney Asshole John Ashcroft is directing one of the biggest disaster films of all time. The best scene is when the dog jumps over the car covered in flames. [Link via Danny Newbs]
- Did you know that this hand gesture means "eat shit" in Greece and parts of Africa?
Click here for even more wacky ways to insult forgeiners with yer hands and fingers. [Link 2wice again via A Cruise-Spanko... keep this up girl and soon I'll make you my Editor-In-Cheese]
- And to close up shop, a Dellawhere substitute teacher allowed second graders to peep some pornographic pictures on the class' computer. Damn, when I was in second grade, we didn't even have computer and I got caught cheating on my spelling test. Kids have it so good these days.
Thursday, June 10
The Lion, The Witch, &
Harold's Wardrobe
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
As mentioned in this week's Box Office Bidness report, this installment of Harry Pothead is the greatest third movie ever, and it's the best of the series too! Read: a Muss C. Thank gawd they kicked Chris Columbus to the curb in favor of Alfonso Cuarón. I mean, how could any movie be that amazing coming from the director of both Stepmom AND Bicentennial Man (aka Der 200 Jahre Mann in Germany). Grant it, Adventures In Babysitting is one of my all-time favs, but the name Chris Columbus is synonymous with borrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring.
Anywho, enuff about him and more about Hermione "Her-money" Granger. Yep, she's a little bit older, but not old enuff to start making outlandish sexual remarks about like some 17 and 11/12th year olds we all know and love. And anywayz, I'm more of a Ginny Weasley kinda guy meself (must be the red hair). The Hogwarts crew is supposed to be 13 in this flick, but they all have mustaches already. Ron/Rupert Grint looks and sounds like he's 32. And Dudley Dursley has morphed into Paul Benedict/Harry Bentley from TV's The Jefferson's (see picture below). As for Harry/Danny Radclifffe, well, he still looks like a 7 year old, but he's gettin' more heteroflexible by the minute. And what's Draco Malfoy's story? They turned him from a brooding badie into a giant pussy. He got sucker-punched by Her-money and all he did was run away.
As always, the rest of the cast is rounded out by some of Britain’s breast. Casting Gary Oldman as Sirius Black is one of the most inspired choices since they picked Judge Reinhold to play Fred Savage's papa in Vice Versa. Michael Gambon is more than adequate replacing Richard Harris as the beloved Dumbledore and major big ups to my man David Thewlis (go Netflix Naked) as this year's dead man walking/Professor of the Dark Arts. And who could forget about Robbie Coltrane, Alan Rickman, and Maggie Smith. Without that trio, these movies would fall apart.
But all the credit in the world must go to Alfonso Cuarón. He went from directing sexy threesomes in 2001's Y tu mamá también to reviving a franchise that didn't need reviving. He even threw in a great sequence where Her-money runs scared into Ron's arms and then Harry joins in on the love-fest by putting his arms around her. Could Cuarón be foreshadowing to a future threesome between this bunch? No comment from me... until Her-money/Emma Watson turns 18. [Link via F.U.B.A.R.]
Harold & Maude
I'm a movie fanatic, if you couldn't tell, but it took me this long to see the classic H&M... no, not the Old Navy for hipsters. This movie f-in rocks out without any cocks out (can you say Muss C?). And thank the maker for no nudity, cause it involves an improbable love story between a 20-year-old suicide obsessed male (Bud Cort) and a septuagenarian zesty lady (Ruth Gordon), set to an amazing score by pre-Yusuf Islam, Cat Stevens. I thought Rushmore director Wes Anderson was an f-in genius, until I saw H&M and realized that he basically rips off/pays homage to director Hal Ashby's sense and sensibility every go around (See The Royal Tenenbaums for a perfect example of his Ashbyesque ways). I won't say much more other than Bud Cort wears some of the flyest jackets ever and has one of the most peculiar faces known to man. And a very special mention has go to go out to Harold's pestering mother, played to purrrfection by an actress with one of the coolest names ever: Vivian Pickles.
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Anywho, enuff about him and more about Hermione "Her-money" Granger. Yep, she's a little bit older, but not old enuff to start making outlandish sexual remarks about like some 17 and 11/12th year olds we all know and love. And anywayz, I'm more of a Ginny Weasley kinda guy meself (must be the red hair). The Hogwarts crew is supposed to be 13 in this flick, but they all have mustaches already. Ron/Rupert Grint looks and sounds like he's 32. And Dudley Dursley has morphed into Paul Benedict/Harry Bentley from TV's The Jefferson's (see picture below). As for Harry/Danny Radclifffe, well, he still looks like a 7 year old, but he's gettin' more heteroflexible by the minute. And what's Draco Malfoy's story? They turned him from a brooding badie into a giant pussy. He got sucker-punched by Her-money and all he did was run away.
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But all the credit in the world must go to Alfonso Cuarón. He went from directing sexy threesomes in 2001's Y tu mamá también to reviving a franchise that didn't need reviving. He even threw in a great sequence where Her-money runs scared into Ron's arms and then Harry joins in on the love-fest by putting his arms around her. Could Cuarón be foreshadowing to a future threesome between this bunch? No comment from me... until Her-money/Emma Watson turns 18. [Link via F.U.B.A.R.]
Harold & Maude
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Georgia On My Mind...
Jello Puddin' Flops
Want more? Didn't think so.
[Thanks, er, no thanks
to Kurt Vonnegutwithcha ]
- George Bush the I has sure got his plate full for the tail end of this week. First he's gotta pay his respects to his former boss, Rappin' Ron, and then, to celebrate his 80th b-day, he's going to parachute jump out of a plane in Tejas. C'mon, we all know that aint happening. He's probably going to watch reruns of The Golden Girls and bone Babs all night long.
- Franz Ferdinand are coming to NY for two shows next week. There's an after party after the Thursday, June 17th show featuring Ulrich Schnauss and DJ Sets from the members of FF @ APT (419 W. 13th Street), from 11 p.m. to 4 a.m. Btw, anyone got an extra ticket to the Webster Hall show for Papa Thigh Daddy?
- He's no Abe Froman, but this 'Sausage King' wanted to grind up the meat inspectors. [Link via A Cruise-Spanko]
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- Anna Nicole will hump anything with a pulse. And now you can add a ghost to that list too. Yep, a ghost. Hollywood take note cause this would make for a great scene in Ghost Dad 2: Electric Coz-a-loo.
- This news is a lil belated on my part, but Ray-Ray Bradbury is none too pleased that Michael Moore's new doc's title rips off his "classic" novel Fahrenheit 451. Ray-Ray, lay off Dinty Moore and unleash yer anger on François Truffaut for turning yer semi-decent novel into a shitbag of a movie. And I don't even want to think about the upcoming 2005 edition directed by Frank Darabont (no relation to Jan de Bont).
- Cabbage Patch Kids are trying to mount a comeback. So are Garbage Pail Kids. And I guess cabbage in general too...
- A vote for Kerry is a vote for a Cuban vacation.
- Who's Shah Devine? No, not some crazy Iranian fat transvestite, but some shmuck bag with a website.
- There must be a ghost in the machine cause F.U.B.A.R. somehow turned into a Peter Andre fansite. Who the f%$k is Peter Andre?
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- Speaking of bjs, Britney Spears had to have knee surgery.
- And finally, the best headline of el dia: Car Damaged by Flying Portable Toilet
Wednesday, June 9
Is LL Turning Into
An Oompa Loompa?
of Miss Thang from last night's Leno:
Why is she so f-in orange? Is this the result of a horrible tanning salon session from hell? Either way, I can't have my future wife looking like tangerine. And since this is the year of Lohan, czech out these two lil bits:
1) Her daddy has been labeled a a menace II society, like my man O-Dog, by his beaten bro-in-law.
2) LL has come under fire recently for using the word "retarded". That's so retarded!!
[Links via my girl Vega$]
Tuesday, June 8
Eating Her
Curds and Whey
American should look like:
[Pic via Zach de la Roachclip]
- Paris and Nicky Hilton are media whores (and some say, straight-up whores) and now momma Kathy wants a piece of the action too. NBC and her are developing a reality show called The Hilton Project, which will take some proletarians and turn them into coke-blowing assholes. If you NYers are interested in trying out for the "show", there's an open casting call Saturday, June 12th
@ Tavern on the Green (Central Park West 67th) from 9AM - 5PM. Otherwise, apply online here.
- Lindsay Lohan's Breasts to Star in Own Sitcom? Who does this guy think he is? An ace reporter for the The Onion? Get real pal, cause the only place those thangs be starring in is my movie, Riders of Lohan. There's this killer scene with her melons, my tongue, and a bottle of Magic Shell.
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- In news that is sure to only make me and my father happy: Pee Wee's Playhouse is coming to DVD. Finally, I can relive all my sweet sweet memories of Miss Yvonne, The King of Cartoons, Chairry, and o' course Jambi, the Genie.
- Wanna win a date with Supergrass' drummer? Thought you would.
- The Wu-Tang Clan are doing a bit of a make-over. The theory is that the more blonde white kids theys gots in the group, the better the sales
[Pic 1nce again via Zach de la Roachclip]
- What's the world's best-kept secret? Cornhole. Me thinks Cincinnati has some serious identity issues. [Link via Posh & Becker]
- MTV is really scrapping the bottom of the barrel these days. Why else would they give Frankie Muniz, Lizzie Grubman, and Farnsworth Bentley their own shows? If they really wanted to be cutting edge, they should have roped in such high-class talent as Soleil Moon Frye, Fred AND Ben Savage, and Dustin Diamond and his stellar chess skills.
- Sarah's so boring ever since she stopped drinking. And now the internet will be boring ever since she stopped blogging. Breast to you and yers Ultrahotttttttttie.
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- And finally, only in American can a man get arrested for driving under the influence TWICE in the same day AND someone else gettin' charged with assaulting a Taco Bell employee with a chalupa.
Box Office Bidness
Gary Oldman
vs.
The Youngins
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2. Shrek 2 - $37 million ($313.6 million) - I think you have to be mildly (scuse the word) retarded to enjoy these "jokes" the animators threw in: Burger Prince, Olde Knavery, Saxon Fifth Avenue, Romeo Drive, Versarchery, Farbucks Coffee, Friar's Fat Boy, and Tower of London Records. Remind me why I don't want to have children again? Oh yeah, cause I'd rather blow my money and wads on whores than buy boxes of 120 Crayola Crayons. Did you know that there's a color called "jazzberry jam"? What the fudge is that?
3. The Day After Tomorrow Never Knows - $28.2 million ($128.8 million) - Al Gore isn't always a genius. Sure he gave us the internet, but he also championed this shitpick. Note to BBF (Big Budget Fiasco) producers: less characters, more destruction. Note to self: figure out what the fudge "jazzberry jam" looks like. Me review of TDAT can be found here.
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5. Troy $5.7 million ($119.1 million) - Did you know that Orlando Bloom's nickname is Orli?
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Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run, girl,
You're much too young, girl
With all the charms of a woman
You've kept the secret of your youth
You led me to believe
You're old enough
To give me Love
And now it hurts to know the truth, Oh,
Beneath your perfume and make-up
You're just a baby in disguise
And though you know
That it is wrong to be
Alone with me
That come on look is in your eyes, Oh,
So hurry home to your mama
I'm sure she wonders where you are
Get out of here
Before I have the time
To change my mind
'Cause I'm afraid we'll go too far, Oh,
Young girl
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8. Van Helsing - $2.3 million ($114.5 million) - Bad movie trend: titles with the word "Van" in it. First Van Wilder and now Van HellSUCKSmygrundlehair.
9. Man On Fire - $1.0 million ($75.4 million) - I'd rather watch this man man on fire, than this movie.
10. Super Size Me - $.8 million ($6.2 million) - Some dumpy chick named SoSo Whaley (insert "whale" joke here) challenged Morgan Spurlock's McDiet and lost 10 pounds!! F-em both. Just breathe bacon and shower in mayo and u will lose weight.
Reading Is Fundamentalist
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- 8th graders say the darndest thangs. Like this one lil Nazi in Key Biscane, Florida who wrote "Death To Jews", German-style, in his school's yearbook. [Link via Tommy T and The Furious 6]
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- Nevada Town Enlists Dudes to Smoke Weed. Whoops, I read that headline wrong. Supposed to be: Nevada Town Enlists Goats to Eat Weeds.
- I guess the beds are still burning, cause Midnight Oil frontman, Peter Garrett, is running for spot in the Aussie government. Speaking of freaky looking bald people, me thinks that Garrett and that biker dude who crashed Wyatt and Gary's party in Weird Science were Bitched @ Swirth aka Switched At Birth:
- Speaking of Oz, the Panty Raider claims that he's been "living" in Sydney, but we all know that he's actually the perv-in-dick-ular freak that's been pocketing Hoosier woman's bras and panties for over the past two years... and just got caught.
- Finally, to hell with LeVar Burton and his heteroflexible Reading Rainbow. If you really want to get male dudes to read books these days, you gots to offer them prizes delivered by hot bizatches.
Monday, June 7
Ross Is Boss
Wanta Fanta?
- You Know You Wanta! Well, me wanta a ten zillion lap dances from each one of the Fantanas. Me wanta to know what it feels like to spend $129,626 at a strip club in one night like this guy.
- And before we go any further, you'all have to check out this lil gem that the master pedos have dug up over at F.U.B.A.R. (but since most of you are T.J.N.R.com readers, this will be nothing new): What's A Girl To Do aka Nancy gets a lil red scare sirprize between her panties. Yikes!
- And before we delve any deeper into this post, please open the Fanta link again, let the amazing "Wanta Fanta" song play out, leave that Fanta window open and then open the What's A Girl To Do ditty. The juxtaposition of that Fanta fizzing sound along with a man going "aaaaaah" and Allison Hill's narration is the best mash-up since Jay-Zeezer's The Black And Blue Album. Trust me. And if you really want to jump out of the window, throw Coldplay's "Nappies" into the mix.
- Don't mess with Texas' slogan Don't Mess With Texas.
- Mini-Me wants OUT of his marriage. Thigh-Master-Me wants mini-muffins in my stomach, NOW!
- Sir So Sayeth himself, Peabs may have left us all for the luscious shores of Thailand (I mean whores), but his legacy will live on forever. UrbanDictionary.com has a listing for his contributions to the American lexicon, obvs and tigs. Gawd bless you Peabsy, wherever you may be.
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- Went bowling for the second time in as many weeks. This time around it was at this lil outta the way place in Crooklyn called Melody Lanes for my girl Strow's b-day. Btw, you want to be this girl's friend cause she always has the best parties. Me also czeched out that De Lay Hoya fight that was a complete scam. He didn't win and I hate boxing, so I don't really care. Me also saw Harry Pothead's latest jizzle. F-in MINT to a tee. Full review forth coming. And today finished it up with a Texas Hold 'Em tourney filled with fellow Heebs. These two Israelis were cleaning up shop, while the rest of us Zionists were figuring out which TV and radio stations to buy with the money in our banks.
- And finally, can't wait til LL Day, this Thursday, June 10th for the airing of this past weekend's MTV Movie Awards. And if these three photos don't raise your flag and make you want to tune in, then it's time to chop off yer penis or whatever you have.
Major props de leon to my man Marvkus for finding the pics and to killergoalie13 for posting 'em. And the most bovs Lohan article evs: "Living the dream life?" Duhvs!
Sunday, June 6
1911 - 2004
Saturday, June 5
Hold Up
Wait A Minute
Friday, June 4
My Father-In-Law
Going To Jail?
- Looks like the Lohan family will need a lawyer and not Richard Dawson for their latest Family Feud cause papa Michael was arrested on an assault charge yesterday! In his honor, I'm gonna nosh on a deep-fried Mars bar from A Salt & Battery.
- And did you hear the new term that's sweeping the nation? To hell with Seacrest, it's all Tenet Out these days.
- And did you hear the new term that's sweeping the nation? To hell with Seacrest, it's all Tenet Out these days.
Czech Mate
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- This site doesn't reek of shit, it just talks about it. Welcome to 365 Dumps: A year in the life of this my colon, one dump at a time. And here's another random one: How Old Do You Think I Am? [Links via Zach de la Roachclip]
- What's more pointless than a shot-by-shot remake of Psycho? A cover of the Go-Go's "Our Lips Are Sealed" by Hilary and Haylie Duff for the new shitpick A Cinderella Story. Hilary, take some time away from being a diva and add an f-in extra "l" to yer name already!!
- I figured it was time we all czech up on the bestest dog ever, Bert:
[Pic via J Warner Sisters]
And please don't confuse
Bert with the RCA Dog
- Hey, did you hear that Anus Butt got arrested? And czech out this Czech bizatch from the Chex Mix Republic. [Links via Popbitch]
- No more bovsing on my effing tees since 56 A.D.??? Could this be possible? Sayeth it aint so Peabs.
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Thursday, June 3
Double Your Pleasure
Or Your Pain
The Day After Tomorrow
I have been holding off reading Retrofuzz's review of the same movie cause I figured that mine would be very similar in tone... so all apologies in advance for any such similarities. Anywhoozit. The Day After Tomorrow Never Knows is one of the best "Slit Your Eyes Out Moovies" of this young summer. The effects were stellar like Stellan Skarsgård, but everything else made me want to pull the razor blade in my pocket. Roland Emmerprick, who writes your f-in scripts? Do you just whip out yer book o' Mad Libs and fill in all the adjectives and adverbs with every Lewis & Clark nickel and dime SAT words you know? This is how the story goes:
That dude who was injected into Martin Short's body in Innerspace is at the North Pole looking for Santa, when all of the sudden the ice starts cracking like Pop Rocks in yer mouth. Then he confers with Bilbo Baggins in Scotland and together they realize that the Earth is more fubarrred than the 294 pedophiles visiting ThatsJustNightRight.com right now. The Rookie then tries to warn Vice President Windom Earle (yes, dearest Grambs, one of the best villain evs!) about the oncoming weather problems, but he was too busy trying to get into the Black Lodge. So nobody does anything and then the Ice Age happens in like 4 seconds. LA is destroyed by a slew of tornados, churros, and piñatas. Den it starts snowing like crazy in New Delhi and at the 2nd Ave Deli. And guess who happens to be stuck in The City during this giant storm? Quaid/Kuato's son, Donnie Darko. He's at some math-decathlon/dork-a-thon with an Urkel look-a-like and his love interest, the most lame-ass overrated, up and coming movie star, Sean Penn's murderderedered daughter in the sequel to Mystic Pizza: Mystic River. During the whole flick the Elijah Wood-wide-eyed heroine just sits there with a shit-eating grin and tries to save some Haitians from the impending doom. The dud squad ends up finding refuge at the NY Pubic Library. There they meet a bum who knows a thing or two about survival in the cold. He tells them that if they pee all over themselves and fall asleep in a subway car, no one would bother you, let alone ride in the same car with you. Meanwhile, back in DC, Donnie Darko's mom is trying to help a child cancer victim to safety. I'm gonna hit the snooze alarm for about 20 minutes, wake me up when there's more destruction, OK? Blah, blah, blah, The Rookie walks from Philly to NY just to save his son. Sorry, but if my son was trapped like that, I'd let his a$$ become a human popsicle ala Ted Williams & Son. Somehow he makes it and... if you really care, you'll see the movie. All I'll say is that Perry King from Riptide is a more believable President than GW.
In conclusion, Better Luck The Day After Tomorrow is just another brick in the wall. You don't even have to see it to know that. Now I kinda want to see Raising Helen just so I can rip it a new set of labium. Anywho, onto the next!
Saved!
On paper, this movie should have be more amazinger than when John Stossel got bitch slapped by that wrestler. But movies aren't made on paper, they is made on celluloid! Half of it works and half of it doesn't, but I'd say it's worth a peep.
Here are the reasons why it's worth a peep:
- Mandy Moore could be the most tastiestiest M & M ever.
- Macaulay Culkin is alive! And acting! And in a wheelchair!
- Susan Sarandon's daughter, Eva Amurri, may look like an owl, but the girl can act and she inherited her mom's sparkling set of personalities.
- Travis' "Flowers In The Attic" made the soundtrack. No relation to the Saved By The Bell Soundtrack. Speaking of, anyone want to buy that for me?
- Patrick Fugit isn't a one trick pony. He'll never be almost famous, but then again, this performance will help us forget his role in the headache known as Spun.
- Did I mention that I want to eat off of Mandy Moore's chest?
- After The Passion, we all needed a light-hearted laff at the expense of de Jesus.
Here are the reasons to hold out and just Netflix it:
- The humor sorta turns to Warren Sapp-e-ness for the entire third act.
- Mandy Moore didn't get naked and ride a watermelon.
- The so-called "resolution".
- Jena Malone being in every movie with her five.6-head. If they were going to get someone with a huge plot of skin above their eyebrows and below the hair line, at least get someone semi-attractive to look at for 90 minutes like (can't bee leave I'm typing this) Amanda Bynes or even that alien/cone-head, Mena "Surfin" Suvari.
- Jena Malone's acne. Girl can't afford Accutane?
- Jena Malone. This girl works more than Samuel L Jackson!
I have been holding off reading Retrofuzz's review of the same movie cause I figured that mine would be very similar in tone... so all apologies in advance for any such similarities. Anywhoozit. The Day After Tomorrow Never Knows is one of the best "Slit Your Eyes Out Moovies" of this young summer. The effects were stellar like Stellan Skarsgård, but everything else made me want to pull the razor blade in my pocket. Roland Emmerprick, who writes your f-in scripts? Do you just whip out yer book o' Mad Libs and fill in all the adjectives and adverbs with every Lewis & Clark nickel and dime SAT words you know? This is how the story goes:
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In conclusion, Better Luck The Day After Tomorrow is just another brick in the wall. You don't even have to see it to know that. Now I kinda want to see Raising Helen just so I can rip it a new set of labium. Anywho, onto the next!
Saved!
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Here are the reasons why it's worth a peep:
- Mandy Moore could be the most tastiestiest M & M ever.
- Macaulay Culkin is alive! And acting! And in a wheelchair!
- Susan Sarandon's daughter, Eva Amurri, may look like an owl, but the girl can act and she inherited her mom's sparkling set of personalities.
- Travis' "Flowers In The Attic" made the soundtrack. No relation to the Saved By The Bell Soundtrack. Speaking of, anyone want to buy that for me?
- Patrick Fugit isn't a one trick pony. He'll never be almost famous, but then again, this performance will help us forget his role in the headache known as Spun.
- Did I mention that I want to eat off of Mandy Moore's chest?
- After The Passion, we all needed a light-hearted laff at the expense of de Jesus.
Here are the reasons to hold out and just Netflix it:
- The humor sorta turns to Warren Sapp-e-ness for the entire third act.
- Mandy Moore didn't get naked and ride a watermelon.
- The so-called "resolution".
- Jena Malone being in every movie with her five.6-head. If they were going to get someone with a huge plot of skin above their eyebrows and below the hair line, at least get someone semi-attractive to look at for 90 minutes like (can't bee leave I'm typing this) Amanda Bynes or even that alien/cone-head, Mena "Surfin" Suvari.
- Jena Malone's acne. Girl can't afford Accutane?
- Jena Malone. This girl works more than Samuel L Jackson!
Nickel Please!
You've been replaced by
hand models, a Hobbit pipe
and a citizen's cane.
But things are looking much
butter for the fall edition
BTW, ever notice that any coin engraved with a woman's mug on it instantly becomes a failure with the public? Take that Susan B Busted and Suckagawea, cause no American wants a dollar coin! Why don't they put some hotties of hotness up on that biz-yatch like Lindsay "Sweet &" Lohan or Keira "I. P." Knightley. I'm sure no one would really care that she's not American.
Two Qwik Thangs
Want more? Click here
You said you wanted Moore?
Well here's the trailer for Fahrenheit 9/11
[Link via ProductshizzleNYC]
Welcome To The TerrorDome
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- A PA bastard invented a wife, claimed she died in the WTC 9/11 attacks, and then collected some cheddar on her behalf. Well, the dude is now facing 2 to 7 in the big house. F-in jacka$$.
- What happens when DW Griffith meets DJ Spooky? It looks a little something like dis. Rebirth of a Nation hits Lincoln Center July 23.
- Sportscaster Warner Wolf is loved by no one and now he's jobless... again. Lets not go to the videotape.
- Danny Newbs has finally visited another country outside of America besides Mexico. Czech out his report from the Disneyworld for adults: Amsterdam.
- Who has the best body in France? Yep, Ludivine Sagnier (NSFW). [Link via Cefizzle]
- Lycos is as ghetto as Duplo blocks, but according to their top ten search terms for last week, LL was ranked numero 8. Number 11 (not listed) was "Thigh Master's inverted nipples".
- Former child TV stars shouldn't be allowed to act, let alone drive. This week's examples: Alex P Keaton's kid bro and one of the Home Improvement dufuseses.
- In closing, what's the most logical thing to do when your bike route is blocked by a farmer's market? Well, if yer some wack-a$$ Portland woman, you spread dog feces all over the place.
Wednesday, June 2
A Memo From
Memorial Day Weak End
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I really didn't do anything that monumental. Chilled with the homeboyz, the fam, and many a loved ones. Peeped Saved! and The Day After Tomorrow (reviews forthcoming), took in some sun and took in even more in the eating department. Speaking of feeding my face (the thing I do best besides basket weaving), I hit up many o' the spots contained on the "Places To Eat B4 U Die" list. Chowed down on the rectangular za (they don't cut corners) at Ledo's w/Flea and her ho bag. Scarfed me up some dat spinach and artichoke dip + the grilled chicken salad (opted out of the secret chicken fingers) at Houston's with Ma & Pa Thigh Master + Flea. And when me hit up Rehoboth Beach for a day with my brother bear, gorged on some Grotto's, Nicola's infamous Nic-o-bolis, and downed a bucket o' Thrasher's (a B4 U Die candidate) without blinking. Yes, I now weigh a measly 517 pounds.
And the beach? So f-in mint. The sun wasn't out, so I didn't apply sunscreen and ended up paying the price. I kinda resembled the Coppertone girl, cept my a$$ is a bit more hairy. But the beach is kinda secondary at the beach anywayz. I hit me up some skeeball, bumber cars, air hockey, and 1/2 an hour dead-e-cated to the greatest pinball game known to man: The Addams Family.
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And next to that sign, they have another claiming this:
And ya wanna know what? That shit may be true, but who voted for it? The same old Jewish Floridians who voted for Pat Buchanan in 2000? I couldn't find any info on that "election" anywhere on the internet. Pizza Oven doesn't even have a website. It's an f-in sham. Jedidah suggested we sell the idea of 2 subs for $4.98 to another restaurant so Pizza Oven can be stripped of their crown of cheapness. Gawd I love America and phones that take pictures. And what better way to end an evening of has-been music and temptation of cheap meals than with a blunt (or as I call em, a Drew Blizoe) and some bowling. I stink, but Jedidah should turn pro. Mudder-fudger got two 180s. And to think, I got an A+ in bowling from IU for nothing!
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That's pretty much that. There was no real point in posting all of this eggcept my short term memory is shot and I need to remember to go to the PCC the next time I'm home. If those rich bastages ever spring for an Addams Family pinball machine, I'm moving back in with my parents!
The Aftershave Aftermath
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- Speaking of LL, F.U.B.A.R. some how got a hold of her phone number. Are you frightened LL? Not frightened enuff! And speaking of LL and her amazing chest, you can bid on a bra John Hancocked by her! [Link via LL.org]
- The people can't wait to see Michael Moore's latest... and they won't have to wait much longer. How does the end of June sound? F-in mint!! [Scoop via Flea's Ho Bag]
- Bad Boy and P-Shitty protégé, Ma$e is back. Great, just what the peoples wanted... more crappy music at an un-affordable price.
- On the flipside, aka real music, Blur, the best British band of the 90s (give me a break Radiohead), are back in the studios working on a follow-up to the Coxon-less Think Tank. And if you didn't pick up that album yet, I'll personally come to your house and pour cicadas down your throat until you do.
- Sure we'd rather contract SARS than see another Vin Diesel movie, but if you live in The City and want to see The Chronicles of Riddick fo FREE, click here.
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- Whoops, looks like Bono wasn't planning Live Aid II. He must be too busy trying to stick his nose in everyone's bidness like Jesse Jackson.
- Speaking of bidness, Box Office Bidness will return in Das EFX next week. I mean we all know Shrek 2 made a killing and Soul Plane and Raising Helen looks worsteest than Raising Cain.
- Me so happy. Me just got bumped up to "Creme de la Creme" status on Whatevs.BestF-inBlogEvs. I think me owes Uncle Grambs about 15 cases of White Castles and 9 churros.
- "Baby Jessica" McClure just graduated high school. Be sure to send her your well wishes.
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1. They're giving away a DeLorean
2) They're re-airing Cop Rock... yep, Cop Rock. Bless you Steven Bochco for trying.
- The last Civil War widow ever just passed away. Too bad that racism and the Confederate flag didn't die with her. But long live pecan pie, grits, and Waffle House.
- And finally, what's worse than the noise that cicadas make? This song.
Tuesday, June 1
Justin Case U Didn't Know...
Cotton Eyed Hos
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- Guess who has dethroned Waffle House as the king of waffles? John Kerry. Type "waffles" into Google and see for yourself. How is this possible? Read here.
- The dude who made that umcredible faux Hobbit trailer is at it again. This time around he created a teaser for Star Wars: Episode III utilizing parts of Natalie Portman's pregnancy scenes from Where the Heart Is.
- The Empire Polo Club, home to the greatest American concert: Coachella, wants to stage a similar event, but for country music. I guess in the dance tent they could have that technoesque version of "Cotton Eyed Joe" by Rednex play all day long.
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- Finally, I'll post a full report of my Merryland weekend getaway (mainly eating and watching stuff) as soon as I can understand why anyone would have cicada envy...
