Friday, April 30
Keep Your Damn Dirty Hands off of MY Blog!
 Words |
Yup, you heard it right. MY BLOG!
It is mine for this weekend and that is the last time you shall interfere... or else I will put your sausages in my bum and replace them in the package so that when you cook them they will be covered in fecal matter!
A little explaination: Mike, when he isn't cock blogging me, is eating sausages that he cooks on the Foreman grill.
Peace izzy dizzy nizzy!
Yasmine "Clorox" Bleeth!
WORDS
| Don't Trust This Man
He hid me in a cellar and has declared a coup d'etat on my blog. He harms animals and despises sausage. Have a great weekend, folks!
staches forever
Note: man pictured above is not man who hijacked this site.
staches forever
Note: man pictured above is not man who hijacked this site.
Holy Crap This Blog is MINE!!
I have no idea how I convinced Mike to let me take the steering wheel of his beloved blog for the weekend. I promise I will spend a total of only twenty total minutes on this. Starting NOW!
This is me. If I were any better looking they would have to poke the eyes out of every single lady in America so that they wouldn't poke their own eyes out anyway because I am so delicious it would drive then totally nuts to even look at my sweet can!
OK, Mikey spends a lot of time blogging here and totally cock blogging me whenever he possibly can. This is not up for debate. So let's try and not totally ruin his site... In fact, I should probably try to keep it thematically (sp?) the same and shit.
Scrolling through I see a lot of pictures and slanganangangy words and ghetto spizzeeek. OK, so I got that dizzzzzowwneroundgroundround.
Oh yeah, I need lots of plays on words too. But first, a picture. I have no idea to do this but let's try:
I think this is the bizzand mike is flying out to see!
Wow! This is going great. I can't wait until I boost readership on this site with my injection of change.
I need to do that "who was born today" thingaroo as well. Shizzle.
No idea where to find out when people were born, so I think I'll just make it up:
Theez Peeps Was Born Tizdizzy Yo!
- Albert "I put the bomb in the bomb ba dang a bomb" Ein "beer" Stein.
- Rudy "Put me in coach" Gulliani
- Boris "He who smeltsin" Yeltsin
- Judy "I was a drug addict and my daughter is totally fucking out of her mind and I think she has the clap and drinks hairspray" Garland "Of Flowers"
- Judge Judy "Garland 'Of Flowers'"
OK, that was easy enough. Now I need to link to a wacky site.
Here is a hilarious site dedicated to that wacky world of supply chain management!
WORDS
Holy crap that was funny. I believe mike has disdain for the retarded. Just wanted to throw that out there.
This is me. If I were any better looking they would have to poke the eyes out of every single lady in America so that they wouldn't poke their own eyes out anyway because I am so delicious it would drive then totally nuts to even look at my sweet can!
OK, Mikey spends a lot of time blogging here and totally cock blogging me whenever he possibly can. This is not up for debate. So let's try and not totally ruin his site... In fact, I should probably try to keep it thematically (sp?) the same and shit.
Scrolling through I see a lot of pictures and slanganangangy words and ghetto spizzeeek. OK, so I got that dizzzzzowwneroundgroundround.
Oh yeah, I need lots of plays on words too. But first, a picture. I have no idea to do this but let's try:
I think this is the bizzand mike is flying out to see!
Wow! This is going great. I can't wait until I boost readership on this site with my injection of change.
I need to do that "who was born today" thingaroo as well. Shizzle.
No idea where to find out when people were born, so I think I'll just make it up:
Theez Peeps Was Born Tizdizzy Yo!
- Albert "I put the bomb in the bomb ba dang a bomb" Ein "beer" Stein.
- Rudy "Put me in coach" Gulliani
- Boris "He who smeltsin" Yeltsin
- Judy "I was a drug addict and my daughter is totally fucking out of her mind and I think she has the clap and drinks hairspray" Garland "Of Flowers"
- Judge Judy "Garland 'Of Flowers'"
OK, that was easy enough. Now I need to link to a wacky site.
Here is a hilarious site dedicated to that wacky world of supply chain management!
WORDS
Holy crap that was funny. I believe mike has disdain for the retarded. Just wanted to throw that out there.
Joe E Tata For Now
This is how eggcited I am
And here's who's taking over whilst I'm eating churros
See ya'all Monday night with all the shit thats fit to print
Thursday, April 29
Not One Of
Those Things Again
What do Fred Savage, Mega Man, and the Fonz all have in common? I sure as hell don't know, but they're all in this random thing set to randomness-assness music. Linkage via Zach De La Roachclip
It kind of reminds me of the bestest random thing ever, Howard Dean style... which is basically the official sequel to All Your Base Are Belong To Us. And o course, much love to Fight ! Kikkoman. If you play all four of those links at one time, you get something similar to the Flaming Lips'eses 4 CD experiment known as Zairkeeka. You're supposed to play all 4 CDs at the same time. Too bad I only have 3 CD players. Dangit.
God bless you Al Gore and your invention!!
It kind of reminds me of the bestest random thing ever, Howard Dean style... which is basically the official sequel to All Your Base Are Belong To Us. And o course, much love to Fight ! Kikkoman. If you play all four of those links at one time, you get something similar to the Flaming Lips'eses 4 CD experiment known as Zairkeeka. You're supposed to play all 4 CDs at the same time. Too bad I only have 3 CD players. Dangit.
God bless you Al Gore and your invention!!
The Last "Hey Ya"
Posting Ever
Soy Saucy
Coachella Set Times Unveiled!!
Ebert & Roeper: Iraqi Style
The Longest URL Ever
Freaking My Freak Freak Every Friday
Congrats On Being Named One Of
People Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People!!
Although on our poll sweetie, you and your
49 clones were named the 50 Most Beautiful People!!!
Btw, you loooked soooooooo fine on The View yesterday.
Pic via Curious George's mum
The Most/Best
Ghetto/Ass
crazy/beautiful
Local Commercial Ever
 "Nobody bodder me either!" |
"Nobody bodder me either!" |
"Nobody bodder me either!" |
"Nobody bodder me either!" |
 "Nobody bodder me either!" |
Wednesday, April 28
Apparently I Love Seeing Miramax Movies About Young Foreign Boys
OK, so that sounded a little sick, but I'm into 17 and 3/4 year-old girls, not 8 year-old boys. Anywho, in the past 2 weeks, I've peeped two coming of age flicks and they are both worth a look. Grants it, they aint blockbusters like Battlefield Earth, but sometimes we need a nice lil movie to make us feel human again... not Psychlosic-like.
Valentín aka Valentin
I couldn't drag anyone to this movie. It was a tough sell. First the tagline is hella lame, "Cupid just turned eight." Secondly, the trailer blows donkey ball hair. It makes it look like some sorta sappy-ass movie ala Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Luckily it was more like Rushmore sans kick-ass soundtrack and Bill Murray. Here be the gist of the story: Valentín is a cross-eyed, precocious (I love that word) youngster who is all but abandoned by his parents. His dream, to become an astronaut, but that shiz aint gonna be easy living in Buenos Aires, yo. But his real dream is to be loved by someone. So, he befriends a piano teacher and one of his dad's ex-girlfriends (uber-hottie Julieta Cardinali, who was actually present at the screening) and that’s about all I will reveal. The kid who plays Valentin is so f-in adorable. Anyone have the # of an adoption agency in Argentina? I think Dakota Fanning's days are numbered if this kid ever learns how to speak English. This is such a cute and sweet movie that you can take a date to it and by the end, she'll be giving you HJs til dawn (please see the animated guide for more info).
Io Non Ho Paura
aka I'm Not Scared
This coming of age story involves a boy who lives in the Italian countryside. When not eating spin-getti, he's running in wheat fields with his ravioli pals. Then one day he discovers a kidnapped kid being held in a small hole. And soon he realizes that his father is involved!! Don't be fooled, this is not a scary movie, unless you find small mumbling Italian boys covered in dirt frightening. I used to, but I finally got over that fear after years of therapy. The main kid is good, but he's not as precocious (I STILL love that word) as lil Valetin. Btw, The cinematography in this one is muy bueno Pinot Grigio. This one won't get you HJs, but maybe some hand holding and sweet nothings.
 Here lil Valentin is imitating me watching Valentín. Unfortunately, no hot blondes were staring at me the entire time. |
I couldn't drag anyone to this movie. It was a tough sell. First the tagline is hella lame, "Cupid just turned eight." Secondly, the trailer blows donkey ball hair. It makes it look like some sorta sappy-ass movie ala Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Luckily it was more like Rushmore sans kick-ass soundtrack and Bill Murray. Here be the gist of the story: Valentín is a cross-eyed, precocious (I love that word) youngster who is all but abandoned by his parents. His dream, to become an astronaut, but that shiz aint gonna be easy living in Buenos Aires, yo. But his real dream is to be loved by someone. So, he befriends a piano teacher and one of his dad's ex-girlfriends (uber-hottie Julieta Cardinali, who was actually present at the screening) and that’s about all I will reveal. The kid who plays Valentin is so f-in adorable. Anyone have the # of an adoption agency in Argentina? I think Dakota Fanning's days are numbered if this kid ever learns how to speak English. This is such a cute and sweet movie that you can take a date to it and by the end, she'll be giving you HJs til dawn (please see the animated guide for more info).
 This kid, he no scared. |
aka I'm Not Scared
This coming of age story involves a boy who lives in the Italian countryside. When not eating spin-getti, he's running in wheat fields with his ravioli pals. Then one day he discovers a kidnapped kid being held in a small hole. And soon he realizes that his father is involved!! Don't be fooled, this is not a scary movie, unless you find small mumbling Italian boys covered in dirt frightening. I used to, but I finally got over that fear after years of therapy. The main kid is good, but he's not as precocious (I STILL love that word) as lil Valetin. Btw, The cinematography in this one is muy bueno Pinot Grigio. This one won't get you HJs, but maybe some hand holding and sweet nothings.
Time To Stash The Stache
Did I tell you that I'm playing
Freddie Mercury in the new Queen musical?
Parq Place
Central Park SummerStage's benefit concerts have been announced!
Tuesday & Wednesday, July 13 & 14
RUFUS WAINWRIGHT & BEN FOLDS & GUSTER
Tickets: $45.00
Friday, July 23
DEVO "Devolution is real 2004"
Yeah Yeah Yeahs & stellastarr*
Tickets: $37.50
Tuesday August 10
LUCINDA WILLIAMS
Tickets: $40.00
Wednesday, August 18
The Sweet Harmony Traveling Revue featuring
EMMYLOU HARRIS, PATTY GRIFFIN,
BUDDY MILLER, GILLIAN WELCH & DAVID RAWLINGS
Tickets: $40.00
Monday, September 13
JACK JOHNSON
G. Love and Special Sauce & Donavon Frankenreiter
Tickets: $35.00
TO PURCHASE TICKETS:
Tickets will be available at the Roseland Ballroom box office without service charge on May 1st from noon to 4PM ONLY. Roseland Ballroom is located at 239 West 52nd Street. For more information call (212) 777-1224. Tickets are also available at select Ticketbastard Outlets, Online and via Charge-By-Phone at (212) 307-7171.
The full season schedule is released on May 19, the same day SummerStage's website becomes a fully operational death star. Lettuce get this party started!!
Tuesday & Wednesday, July 13 & 14
RUFUS WAINWRIGHT & BEN FOLDS & GUSTER
Tickets: $45.00
Friday, July 23
DEVO "Devolution is real 2004"
Yeah Yeah Yeahs & stellastarr*
Tickets: $37.50
Tuesday August 10
LUCINDA WILLIAMS
Tickets: $40.00
Wednesday, August 18
The Sweet Harmony Traveling Revue featuring
EMMYLOU HARRIS, PATTY GRIFFIN,
BUDDY MILLER, GILLIAN WELCH & DAVID RAWLINGS
Tickets: $40.00
Monday, September 13
JACK JOHNSON
G. Love and Special Sauce & Donavon Frankenreiter
Tickets: $35.00
TO PURCHASE TICKETS:
Tickets will be available at the Roseland Ballroom box office without service charge on May 1st from noon to 4PM ONLY. Roseland Ballroom is located at 239 West 52nd Street. For more information call (212) 777-1224. Tickets are also available at select Ticketbastard Outlets, Online and via Charge-By-Phone at (212) 307-7171.
The full season schedule is released on May 19, the same day SummerStage's website becomes a fully operational death star. Lettuce get this party started!!
These Three Things Have Nothing In Common
 Kangaroos, your new best friends |
- Awful at giving hand jobs? This animated guide is here to help! Not that I need the help. If HJs were an Olympic sport, I'd be Mark Spitz, complete with shady 70's mustache. HJ Link via the Zack Attack.
- Finally, when your kangaroo Lulu saves your life, she should be rewarded, not awarded, right? It's all going to go to her head. Next thing she'll date William Hung, they'll break up and then he'll do a cover version of "You're So Vain." Lulu, you probably think this song is about you.
Bappy Hirthday!!!
Grosser Than Michael Gross
Lollapalooza 2004 Meets
Al Gore's Brainchild
New website for 2004's edition of Lollapalooza is up and running. Here's the fully-full line-up according to the site:
Day 1
Morrissey, Sonic Youth, PJ Harvey*, Le Tigre, Modest Mouse, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Broken Social Scene, The Walkmen, Danger Mouse, Datsuns, Sparta, DJ Peretz, Plus Mass Gaming, Just beCauses
Day 2
String Cheese Incident, Flaming Lips, Gomez, Polyphonic Spree, The Coup, Sound Tribe Sector 9, Elbow, Wheat, DJ Peretz, Mass Gaming, Just beCauses
* Playing select dates.
Hope everyone loves the Just beCauses because they are playing both days and just because...
Day 1
Morrissey, Sonic Youth, PJ Harvey*, Le Tigre, Modest Mouse, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Broken Social Scene, The Walkmen, Danger Mouse, Datsuns, Sparta, DJ Peretz, Plus Mass Gaming, Just beCauses
Day 2
String Cheese Incident, Flaming Lips, Gomez, Polyphonic Spree, The Coup, Sound Tribe Sector 9, Elbow, Wheat, DJ Peretz, Mass Gaming, Just beCauses
* Playing select dates.
Hope everyone loves the Just beCauses because they are playing both days and just because...
Every Man Should Be Like...
Tuesday, April 27
Coachella
Hellllllllllzyell-ah!!
This kid must be the modern day Nostradamus, cause Product Ye Olde Shoppe NYC's Coachella prophecy has come true. Fudgegetabout Wilco's migraines and Thom's throat, BECK has been added to SATURDAY'S LINE-UP! So have Kool Keith and MF Doom!! And Hybrid was added to Sunday's line-up!!! and !!! is pronounced by any three repetitive sounds, like chic-chic-chic, or pow-pow-pow, or even uh-uh-uh!!!! Below is the line-up sans times and sans serif. Click here for the complete Coachella map.
But wees got a potential timing problem: Basement Jaxx on at the same time as The Flaming Lips!?!??!?!!? What to do? Well, I guess we can forget about the whole Flaming Jaxx or Basement Lips collaboration. DAMN!! However, I did use my Ouija board and it told me that Dizzee Rascal will appear on stage with Basement Jaxx to perform their um-credible "duet", "Lucky Star".
Meet me at the Churros stand.
2 p.m. sharp.
But wees got a potential timing problem: Basement Jaxx on at the same time as The Flaming Lips!?!??!?!!? What to do? Well, I guess we can forget about the whole Flaming Jaxx or Basement Lips collaboration. DAMN!! However, I did use my Ouija board and it told me that Dizzee Rascal will appear on stage with Basement Jaxx to perform their um-credible "duet", "Lucky Star".
Meet me at the Churros stand.
2 p.m. sharp.
I Hate Hitler, But...
Britishnessness
Defined By Brits
Researchers asked 1,000 Brits what thangs make them British. High on the list were Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, fish and chips, The Queen, The Beatles, and drinking tea... obvs. Here are some that didn't make the list:
- bad teeth
- overcast weather
- The Teletubbies
- George Lazenby as 007
- American football
- Neville Chamberlain
- mad cow disease
- cheesy romantic comedies
- David Bowie's coke habit
- saying "cunt" an awful lot
- adding "u"s to every one of our words
- their actors can perfectly imitate an American accent, but not vice versa
- stealing artifacts from other countries and prominently displaying them in their museums
- Britianimation like the misadventures of Danger Mouse and his pal Penfold
- using cool words like "busker" instead of saying "bum on the street dancing for dimes"
- their love of snooker and woman's curling
 George LazenWHO?? |
- overcast weather
- The Teletubbies
- George Lazenby as 007
- American football
- Neville Chamberlain
- mad cow disease
- cheesy romantic comedies
- David Bowie's coke habit
- saying "cunt" an awful lot
- adding "u"s to every one of our words
- their actors can perfectly imitate an American accent, but not vice versa
- stealing artifacts from other countries and prominently displaying them in their museums
- Britianimation like the misadventures of Danger Mouse and his pal Penfold
- using cool words like "busker" instead of saying "bum on the street dancing for dimes"
- their love of snooker and woman's curling
Kill Bill 2
NOT AWFUL
 One day my beard will look as cool as this |
- The revenge plot is still kinda straight fwd and borrrring, but FINALLY, we got the background stories on the characters. I actually cared for them instead of hoping they all would die.
- It seems the only one who can get great performances out of Michael Madsen is Tarantino. I was a lil pissed off that he wasn't drinking a soda out of a straw and tearing a guy's ear off, but you can't win them all.
- The RZA's score is um-f-in-credible. There was some Mobyesque mash up of the Zombie's killer tune, "She's Not There".
- Daryl Hannah is crazy hot again!!! Probably cause she went on MTV's I Want A Famous Face and told em to maker her over, Romijn-formerly-Stamos style.
- Less action and more talking is actually a good thing.
- We finally learn the Bride's name. Now that I know, I'm wondering why they fudge they bleeped it out in the first place. It doesn't add much to the story. Whatevs.
- Why cast a little girl who can't act, if you can get Dakota Fanning.
- The credits weren't as pretentious as Vol 1's. I would have cut my eyes out if I saw "The Fourth.2 Film by Quentin Tarantino" on the screen.
- With this to his credit, Samuel L. Jackson has now appeared in more movies than Mc Donalds has served people.
- David Carradine has the coolest voice ever. He can sell me shit in a bag if he wanted to.
 Thanks GAD there wasn't two of these shit stains!! |
Free To Be You And Me Scream For Ice Cream
Chicks wear next to nothing and it's...
Big ups to Stereogum for the info.
How Did
Uenqgif Fumamov Know?
My good ole spammer pal, Uenqgif Fumamov, kindly sent me this email about "lampvposts" and "beams sob", and I wanted to pass along the good word:
Bloody Virginz
This is the most awesome site you will ever come across... the one place on the internet where you will find actual defloration of rea1 v1rg1nz. We bring you beautiful virgins who REALLY loose it right before your eyes to TWO hard, hung guys.Every Saturday, you're invited to Edik and Vadim's private Se>< Party.
Check out: http://wheres.teavtime.hang.yalublusushi.com/
bloodyvirgins/index.html
De1et fr0/V\ baze: http://crash.tables.flinging.
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Time Once Again To
Break Out That
Hipster Bingo Card
The Village Voice 4th Annual
SIREN MUSIC FESTIVAL
at Coney Island
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Death Cab For Cutie
Blonde Redhead
Har Mar Superstar
TV On The Radio
Constantines
The Fiery Furnaces
The Fever
The Ponys
Your Enemies Friends
and many more to come...
I can already smell the Nathan's corn dog farts!
Neue Yokers: Free Movie!!
Interested in seeing a movie with Roberto Benigni, Cate Blanchett, Steve Buscemi, Steve Coogan, Alfred Molina, Bill Murray, Iggy Pop, Steven Wright, Tom Waits, The RZA, GZA, Jack White and Meg White, FOR FREE? Thought so. Click me for passes to see Coffee and Cigarettes!
The best brother-sister acting duo
since Eric and Julia Roberts
The best brother-sister acting duo
since Eric and Julia Roberts
Monday, April 26
Box Office Bidness
Peace Out The Passion
 Brittany Murphy is wondering if Dakota Fanning will grow up more awkwardly than Haley Joel Omelette |
2. 13 Going 30 - $21 million (New) - Why would I see this when I've already seen Tom Hanks' Big. Don't get me wrong, I love Mark Rufflesalallllao, but no Zoltar, no 10 dollars of mine. Plus, I'd rather be 26 going on 6. And am I the only one on planet USA who isn't going gaga for Jennifer Garner? I mean she's 30. That's like being 106 years old in Hollywood. Time to forget about her and move onto 17 3/4-year-olds like Ms. LL, who ROCKS btw!
3. Kill Bill: Volume 2 - $10.4 million ($42.9 million) - Seeing this tonight. Full scathing review forthcoming.
4. The Punisher - $6.2 million ($24.1 million) - Thomas James has sometimes been credited as Tom Elliott, Tom Jane, Tom Janes, and just plain ole Tom. What, not love for Tom N Jerry?
5. Home on the Range - $3.5 million ($42.5 million) - I'm glad to see G.W. Bailey still working. It's been a long time since his acting renaissance of 1986-1987: Burglar, Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, Mannequin, and Short Circuit.
 Which is the worse bet, The Really Rottens or The Washington Generals? |
7. Hellboy - $3.1 million ($54.8 million) - You're off the hook for now HellBoo, cause Van HelSucks has replaced you in my world of hate.
8. Johnson Family Vacation - $3 million ($25 million) - How does a poopie-ass movie keep making kish cash when it receives 69 rotten tomatoes out of 74 total? On the flipside, dope-ass Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind received 160 fresh tomatoes out of 174 total and is almost out of theaters. See it b4 tits gone foreva.
9. Ella Enchanted $2.9 million ($17.4 million) - Hopefully this movie will be knocked off the top 10 next week so I don't have to write about an Anne Hathaway movie until The Princess Diarrhea 2 is released.
10. Walking Tall - $2.6 million ($40.5 million) - If he's the next Schwarzenegger, then's who's the next the Rock? Peebles or Bamm Bamm?
Finally, A Website For
Sick People Like Me
You Can't Spell Pizzaz
Without Pizza
I've had the world's best pizza: from the deep dish of Chi-town, to the cracker crust of St. Louie, to the ever so perfect slice of NYC, and o' course, the OG shizzle from Mother Italy. But there now be a pizza thats =ally as amazing as those and you only have to go as far as yer local Domino's:
This shit will give you instant diarrhea, but it's so f-in mint. Be sure to order it thin crust style or I'll personally come to your home and beat you. Tell em Thighs Wide Shut sent ya and they'll even deliver it to you fo free!
This shit will give you instant diarrhea, but it's so f-in mint. Be sure to order it thin crust style or I'll personally come to your home and beat you. Tell em Thighs Wide Shut sent ya and they'll even deliver it to you fo free!
The Kid's Take
Last Friday we reviewed Van Helsucks with the aid of images (cause wees illiterate). Finally, my partner in rhyme, Kid Kadoji, has posted his feelings on the same film... with the aid of images. Lil bastard upped me on the Beckinsale pics!
Who Will Triumph In The
Will it be Scarface, E-40, Big Moe, or Lil Troy?
I don't know who the fuck any of those people are or what this movie is about, but my money is on Lil Troy!
She Drives Me Carb Crazy
- An Atkins dieting Utah couple gots booted out of an all-you-can-eat buffet after overloading on roast beef. "Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film The Neverending Story." - Lionel Hutz
- In other bacon diet news, Coca-Cola will start to sell C-2, a new soda with half the sugar, carbs, and calories of regular colas. We've surely come a long way since the days of Jolt Cola and their "Twice the Sugar. Twice the Caffeine." mantra.
- A good way to cut down on your dog's carb intake: Let em eat 28 golf balls.
- Leonardo da Vinci not only invented Cheez Whiz and lawn darts, but he also invented the automobile.
 It tastes almost as awful as Pepsi |
- A good way to cut down on your dog's carb intake: Let em eat 28 golf balls.
- Leonardo da Vinci not only invented Cheez Whiz and lawn darts, but he also invented the automobile.
Sunday, April 25
LL Cool Girl
 A Rich Man's Hilary Duff |
CBS' Early Show - Mon April 26th
The View* - Wed April 28th
MTV's Diary - Thurs April 29th
Saturday Night Live - Sat May 1st
Jimmy Kimmel Live - Wed May 5th
Ellen DeGeneres Show* - Thurs May 6th
Noggin's Real Access - Thurs May 6th
With my TiVO catching all of the above action, the release of her latest flick Mean Girls this Friday, and Coachella, this will be my best week ever.
* Only my obsession with Ms. LL could get me to watch these dreadful shows.
Cosmetics & Medics
In Gibbs We Thrust!
26 Going On 6
I need me to hire me an inventor so he or she ("Women are equal. I've always said that." -David Brent) could invent the ability to become a kid again. The advants of being an adolescent are obvs. You get to play tee-ball where no one really gets called out and the games always end in a tie.
And doing this is socially acceptable...
This is not an actor, but my cousin
wearing cake at his 6th B-day party.
Re: member? I bought em Spider Man gloves that
make noise AND saw Hanson on the same day.
This is not an actor, but my cousin
wearing cake at his 6th B-day party.
Re: member? I bought em Spider Man gloves that
make noise AND saw Hanson on the same day.
Saturday, April 24
Lynx du Jour
- Which invention is the owner of U.S. Patent #6,313,371? FLAT-D ™ aka the Flatulence (gas) Deodorizer ™. Don't worry, it's reusable, washable, economical, and safe for skin!
- RoboCop scared this living shiite out of me when I was a youngin. This shiz scares me even mo. Both links via Zach de La Needs a Blog.
- The Christ rules the box office and now he wants to rule your heart. And who wouldn't want to date Jesus? He'd walk on water for you and then he'd turn it into wine! Link from Flea.
- I be, you be, we all be for Frisbees!
- RoboCop scared this living shiite out of me when I was a youngin. This shiz scares me even mo. Both links via Zach de La Needs a Blog.
- The Christ rules the box office and now he wants to rule your heart. And who wouldn't want to date Jesus? He'd walk on water for you and then he'd turn it into wine! Link from Flea.
- I be, you be, we all be for Frisbees!
Did You See Friday's
Show?
Ms. Rockness herself, Lindsay Lohan sat down with Katie Couric and discussed such hot topics like herself and what kind of shoes she wants to buy. Please note how amazing her hair looks below. Also, if you scroll up and down really quickly on the 3 pictures below, it's almost like she's moving! I wish LL wasn't American so she could be a Non US Hottie.
"I'm not a girl, not yet a woman."
- Britney Spears
"I'm not a girl, not yet a woman."
- Britney Spears
Van Hel of Thee
I Don't Sing
Two nights, two sneak previews for the TWS staff. Thursday night: Napoleon Dynamite. F-in mint. See that shiz come June peoples. Friday night: Van Helsing, more like Van Helsucks. Even more run-of-the-mill than HellBoo. How do you say "crap on a stick" in Transylvanian? Once again, this movie was like watching all of the below images rolled into one movie... but awful (with help from Ross K Doji):
Konami's finest
+
Saying "I don't know" on
You Can't Do That On Television
+
Faramir as a bumbling friar
+
The stained glass windows that came
to life in Young Sherlock Holmes
+
The whore-rific special effects
of Clash of the Titans
+
Ghost in sky sequence
+
The acting: Hamming it Up
+
Moulin Rouge's evil mustached man
+
A slimy-ass Alien pod
+
Peter Boyle as Frankenberry
+
The masked orgy
+
The obligatory scene where the hero gets
gadgets from the Q-like character
+
The worst movie ever:
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Do not see this movie.
It's a waste of eyesight and sitting.
Although her accent was afwulreffic,
I'll still let her be my wife
I wanna set sail with Kate Beckinsale
Konami's finest
+
Saying "I don't know" on
You Can't Do That On Television
+
Faramir as a bumbling friar
+
The stained glass windows that came
to life in Young Sherlock Holmes
+
The whore-rific special effects
of Clash of the Titans
+
Ghost in sky sequence
+
The acting: Hamming it Up
+
Moulin Rouge's evil mustached man
+
A slimy-ass Alien pod
+
Peter Boyle as Frankenberry
+
The masked orgy
+
The obligatory scene where the hero gets
gadgets from the Q-like character
+
The worst movie ever:
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Do not see this movie.
It's a waste of eyesight and sitting.
Although her accent was afwulreffic,
I'll still let her be my wife
I wanna set sail with Kate Beckinsale
Muse Sick-N-Hour Message
 No comment |
- What's the wurst musical pairing ever? The Prodigy and Juliette Lewis. Her new DJ moniker is Da Other Sistah.
Friday, April 23
Bye, Bye
Centro Fly
News straight outta nowhere:
Centro Fly is closing its doors forever. Come join the funeral procession this Saturday night, April 24th where the following superstar DJs will be spinning til de breaka-breaka dawn:
Armand Van Helden
Todd Terry
Junior Sanchez
Pornstars with Princess Superstar and Alex
Click me for a pass that will let you skip the line!
The Future Is Now
Move over Coolio, cause there's a new kid in town and his name is Koolio. So who be this Koolio? "Koolio is a traveling autonomous refrigerator robot -- Picture a cross between R2D2 and a vending machine." Thanks to Cef-Dawg for the link-love.
Do You Want
Friesday With That?
These People Were Born
1564 - Paltrow banging, William "Steak &" Shakespeare
1791 - 15th dead prez, James "Pat" Buchanan
1928 - acting tater-tot, Shirley Temple "the most amazing mixed drink for kids"
1936 - one of ma's favorite crooners, Roy"ce Clayton" Orbison
1939 - the guy in The Fall Guy, Lee "Minors or" Majors
1943 - de plane, de glazed, Herve "Nick Nack" Villechaize
1949 - Three's accompanier, Joyce DeWitt "Deloitte Touche"
1954 - the white equivalent of Al Sharpton, Michael "Roger, Roger" Moore
1960 - 80's van-hair, Valerie "Mrs. Eddie Van Halen" Bertinelli
1968 - All-American jackass, Timothy "I'm a cocksucker" McVeigh
Life is tuff when
even a bottle of Moet
is taller than you
And This Shit Happened
1867 - William Lincoln patents the Zoetrope, a machine which shows animated pictures by mounting a strip of drawings in a wheel. Franc F Coppola later steals the name for his own production company and unleashes Jeepers Creepers I & II onto the world.
1933 - The Gestapo (internal security police) is established in Germany. Their first mission, rescuing cats from trees.
1954 - Hank Aaron hits his first major league home run. Let the death threats begin.
1994 - Physicists discover the top quark subatomic particle. What?
"Did I really direct Captain Eo?"
1564 - Paltrow banging, William "Steak &" Shakespeare
1791 - 15th dead prez, James "Pat" Buchanan
1928 - acting tater-tot, Shirley Temple "the most amazing mixed drink for kids"
1936 - one of ma's favorite crooners, Roy"ce Clayton" Orbison
1939 - the guy in The Fall Guy, Lee "Minors or" Majors
1943 - de plane, de glazed, Herve "Nick Nack" Villechaize
1949 - Three's accompanier, Joyce DeWitt "Deloitte Touche"
1954 - the white equivalent of Al Sharpton, Michael "Roger, Roger" Moore
1960 - 80's van-hair, Valerie "Mrs. Eddie Van Halen" Bertinelli
1968 - All-American jackass, Timothy "I'm a cocksucker" McVeigh
Life is tuff when
even a bottle of Moet
is taller than you
And This Shit Happened
1867 - William Lincoln patents the Zoetrope, a machine which shows animated pictures by mounting a strip of drawings in a wheel. Franc F Coppola later steals the name for his own production company and unleashes Jeepers Creepers I & II onto the world.
1933 - The Gestapo (internal security police) is established in Germany. Their first mission, rescuing cats from trees.
1954 - Hank Aaron hits his first major league home run. Let the death threats begin.
1994 - Physicists discover the top quark subatomic particle. What?
"Did I really direct Captain Eo?"
Thursday, April 22
Home On The Oven Range
 |
- I hate being lied to as a kid. I just found out today that the man who my home county (MoCo) and high school (Rocket Pride, Rocket Power!), are named after, never ever set foot there. What the f is that crap all about? They could have named it anything, like Biznitch County, Brisco County, Jr, or even the County of Monte Cristo. I also learned that the local towns were named after the families that inhabited them: Darnes(town), Pooles(ville), Clarkes(burg), and Gaithers(burg) aka Ghettosburg. Maryland is for Winners. Virginia is for Losers.
- The Thrills say goodbye to No Doubt and Blink 182 and say jello to the Lola Pa Loser line-up. Will the goodness ever end?
- Say goodbye to Indiana Jones 4... for now. Apparently George Pucas wasn't too pleased with the latest script. Who made papa dorkus the authority in screenwriting? Did he read the script for Attack of the Drones before shooting began? Anakin: I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth. Maybe he'd have better luck making Radioland Murders II: Remember WENN.
Spike and "I think of you" Knightley,
the next Romeo and Juliet?
- The blog-o-sphere just got a bit bigger. Peas welcome TWS' favorite red-headed stepchild Paint by Number Pony and the man who loathes links, but loves 3rd Bass, Dropping off a Blog in the Turlet...
- Finally, on the way to pick up a sack of Wendy's fantabulos chicken strips today, me and the animated porn posse saw TV's Doggie Howser, MD. He was wearing a leather coat and hopefully on his way to meet up with Wanda.
Napoleon Dynamite
 Jimmy Walker would agree, Napoleon is "dyno-mite!" |
The Tween Queens Invasion
Pedophiles Beware!
Hilary Muff and her In The Zone Tour are coming to a town near you. Apparently her career is already so gynormus that she can only play arenas like Nassau Coliseum and the Continental Arena. Whatever happened to paying your dues and playing in shitholes?
She's so huge now
that she won't even return
Frankie Muniz's phone calls
And guess who's in the midst
of recording her debut album?
Yep, Lindsay Lohan and it's gonna ROCK!!!
It's so unfair. When I was a tween, we didn't have such hot bitties in the BK Lounge like deez two!
She's so huge now
that she won't even return
Frankie Muniz's phone calls
of recording her debut album?
Yep, Lindsay Lohan and it's gonna ROCK!!!
It's so unfair. When I was a tween, we didn't have such hot bitties in the BK Lounge like deez two!
Run/Walk This Way
How do you get men to run/walk in the name of eradicating women's cancers? You make your event hosts crazy-a$$ hotties.
Lettuce b together for Eva!
Less city, more sex
Lettuce b together for Eva!
Less city, more sex
Jeff Goldblum & The BJs
Don't click me if you want to see Jeff Goldblum and Tim Burton's ex gal nekkid. Link lifted from Whatevs.org.
Thor's Day
These People Were Born
1870 - OG commie, Vladimir "VI Warshawski" Lenin
1899 - author/pedophile, Vladimir "VI Warshawski" Nabokov
1904 - the subject of Jonah's college history paper, J. Robert Oppenheimer "Funds"
1923 - King of TV nepotism, Aaron Spelling "Bee"
1926 - Mrs. Garrett, Charlotte Rae "Dawn Chong"
1937 - Jack "Can I Borrow A" Nicholson
1950 - Peter Frampton "Comes Alive"
1967 - a wrapped in plastic prom queen, Sheryl Lee "Jeans"
1977 - super smiley journalist, Chillary G
Gave the world Tori and 90210.
Can't win em all.
And This Shit Happened
1509 - Henry VIII ascends to the throne of England after the death of his father. VI biznicthes later, still no male heir.
1864 - The United States Congress passes the Coinage Act of 1864, which mandates that the inscription "In God We Trust" needs to be placed on all coins minted as US currency. It replaced the popular phrase of the time, "Wees Hate Black Peoples."
1914 - Baltimore Orioles' Babe Ruth, age 19, pitches his first professional game. He eventually gets sold like a slave to the Yankees and the rest is baseball history. Too bad the same success has eluded O's traitor Mike Boosina. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOG's!!!
1970 - First Earth Day celebrated. Who cares, Earth is so 5 minutes ago. Right Jessica Shaw?
1978 - The Blues Brothers make their first appearance on Saturday Night Live. They mos def made their last appearance in 1998's Blues Brothers 2000. YIKES!!
The only thumbs up this movie would ever see
1870 - OG commie, Vladimir "VI Warshawski" Lenin
1899 - author/pedophile, Vladimir "VI Warshawski" Nabokov
1904 - the subject of Jonah's college history paper, J. Robert Oppenheimer "Funds"
1923 - King of TV nepotism, Aaron Spelling "Bee"
1926 - Mrs. Garrett, Charlotte Rae "Dawn Chong"
1937 - Jack "Can I Borrow A" Nicholson
1950 - Peter Frampton "Comes Alive"
1967 - a wrapped in plastic prom queen, Sheryl Lee "Jeans"
1977 - super smiley journalist, Chillary G
Gave the world Tori and 90210.
Can't win em all.
And This Shit Happened
1509 - Henry VIII ascends to the throne of England after the death of his father. VI biznicthes later, still no male heir.
1864 - The United States Congress passes the Coinage Act of 1864, which mandates that the inscription "In God We Trust" needs to be placed on all coins minted as US currency. It replaced the popular phrase of the time, "Wees Hate Black Peoples."
1914 - Baltimore Orioles' Babe Ruth, age 19, pitches his first professional game. He eventually gets sold like a slave to the Yankees and the rest is baseball history. Too bad the same success has eluded O's traitor Mike Boosina. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOG's!!!
1970 - First Earth Day celebrated. Who cares, Earth is so 5 minutes ago. Right Jessica Shaw?
1978 - The Blues Brothers make their first appearance on Saturday Night Live. They mos def made their last appearance in 1998's Blues Brothers 2000. YIKES!!
The only thumbs up this movie would ever see
Wham Bam
Thank You Ma'am!
Ghett ready to rock steady peoples, cause Don Vito, Phil, Compton-Ass Terry and the rest of the crew all return to your TiVos this Sunday, April 25 at 9:00 PM ET, on MTV for the season premiere of Viva La Bam
8 Days And Counting...
Wednesday, April 21
Time To Cut Loose
Footloose
 Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion |
- Looks like Senor Spielbergo is ready to rebound from his what is sure to be his wurst movie ever, The Terminal. His next opus isn't about aliens, robots, the future, or even an abandoned child, but his other favorite subject, Jewishnessishness. Since Mel "Gibby" Gibson has his sights set on Chanukah, Steve-O is tackling the murder of 11 Israelis at the 1972 Munich Olympics. Before this is released, please Netflix this Oscar-winning, superfantabulous documentary about the event, One Day in September. Another Muss C.
- What kind of an awards show would have the audacity to nominate these movies: 50 First Dates, Bringing Down the House, Bruce Almighty, and Bad Boys II? The one and only poopfest known as MTV's Movie Awards. Hopefully they'll do something as umcredbile as the LOTR spoof with Jack Black or t.A.T.u.'s panty fest.
 Lord loves a workin' man. Don't trust whitey. See a doctor and get rid of it. |
- Before The Flaming Lips and their zootaphiles kick the ballistics at Coachella, they will be appearing on Jimmy Kimmel Live next Friday night, April 30th. Check your local listings for d-tales.
- I hate work. So do you, that's why you're reading this bliz-og instead of filling out those TPS reports. And what do you do if you hate work? You play hooky and go to England's most popular amusement park Alton Towers. At least that's what they want you to do. Link via Flea.
Bless the DVD Gods
Dancing Private Parts
Click me for something that can't even be described by words. May not be work friendly... unless you work for a Japanese animated porn factory. Thanks to Zach Attack for helping me lose my lunch.
LolOllOllll!L@O@#!@L#Lol!!!
Cigarette Ash Wednesday
These People Were Born
1729 - Tsarina, Catherine the Great "Escape"
1914 - 2-time Oscar winner, Anthony "Mighty" Quinn
1947 - shirtless, sweaty rocker, Iggy Pop "Tart"
1951 - played a character named "Tony" 4 times, Tony "Tony" Danza
1959 - Edward Scissorhands' brother, Robert "give me The Cure" Smith
1965 - netminder, Ed Belfour "Yankeesthree"
Toni Tony Tone
And This Shit Happened
753 BC - Romulus founds Rome. Remus gets drunk and karaokes the B52s' "Roam"
1912 - The New York Baseball Giants and the New York Baseball Yankees play an exhibition game to benefit survivors of the Titanic. The stadium hits an iceberg and sinks into the Hudson.
1967 - A few days before the general election in Greece, Colonel George Papadopoulos leads a coup d'état establishing a military regime that is going to last for seven years. 16 years later, Alex Karras assumes the role of George Papadapolis and leads a ratings coup until Webster's cancellation in 1987.
And on the 8th day,
God created Webster
1729 - Tsarina, Catherine the Great "Escape"
1914 - 2-time Oscar winner, Anthony "Mighty" Quinn
1947 - shirtless, sweaty rocker, Iggy Pop "Tart"
1951 - played a character named "Tony" 4 times, Tony "Tony" Danza
1959 - Edward Scissorhands' brother, Robert "give me The Cure" Smith
1965 - netminder, Ed Belfour "Yankeesthree"
Toni Tony Tone
And This Shit Happened
753 BC - Romulus founds Rome. Remus gets drunk and karaokes the B52s' "Roam"
1912 - The New York Baseball Giants and the New York Baseball Yankees play an exhibition game to benefit survivors of the Titanic. The stadium hits an iceberg and sinks into the Hudson.
1967 - A few days before the general election in Greece, Colonel George Papadopoulos leads a coup d'état establishing a military regime that is going to last for seven years. 16 years later, Alex Karras assumes the role of George Papadapolis and leads a ratings coup until Webster's cancellation in 1987.
And on the 8th day,
God created Webster
Which Nigerian Spammer Are You?
Tuesday, April 20
Qwik Fixxxx
Hot Chixxxxx
The best sequel ever
I curse you with this bone!
Ouch!
Sheryl Crow's next show:
a United Airlines flight
Baldy kicks it Han Solo style
Franciscan friars, the new Dreamworks?
Kim Bauer Goes Undercover
2 Mo Reasons Why
I Heart NY
 They've gottsen a lot hairier since their "MMMBop" days |
 The toys have only gotsen bigger, but not butter |
Some people hate Times Square, but me surely don't. Kick out the hookers and bums and bring on the crazy Lego displays and former tween bands.
Say No To Drugs
Turtle Style
What do high school pushers, marijuana, and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles all have in common? They make up one of the most ghetto awful anti-drug PSAs ever. Link via Ross K Doji.
Surfer Rosa
For those of you disappointed Googlites who keep coming to my site searching for a "surprise" photo or image of The Apprentice's mega-bitch Omarosa (or common misspelled, "Amorosa"), your dream has finally come true:
And please, be sure to wipe off any liquids you may have left on your monitor after looking at this picture.
And please, be sure to wipe off any liquids you may have left on your monitor after looking at this picture.
S&G
On The Road Again
Simon & G-Funk have decided that they need more money to swim in. Here are the first 7 dates announced for this summer:
6/10 - Albany, New York Pepsi Arena
6/11 - Uncasville, Connecticut Mohegan Sun Arena
6/12 - Philadelphia Wachovia Center
6/17 - Buffalo, New York HSBC Arena
6/20 - Cincinnati, Ohio U.S. Bank Arena
7/1 - Los Angeles, California Hollywood Bowl
7/3 - Sat Las Vegas, Nevada MGM Grand Arena
Be sure to visit their website for presale info and passwords. Bee leave a you me, this shit is worth the money.
6/10 - Albany, New York Pepsi Arena
6/11 - Uncasville, Connecticut Mohegan Sun Arena
6/12 - Philadelphia Wachovia Center
6/17 - Buffalo, New York HSBC Arena
6/20 - Cincinnati, Ohio U.S. Bank Arena
7/1 - Los Angeles, California Hollywood Bowl
7/3 - Sat Las Vegas, Nevada MGM Grand Arena
Be sure to visit their website for presale info and passwords. Bee leave a you me, this shit is worth the money.
Knight Rides Again!
 Dirty Driving: Havana Knights |
And in other Hasselhoff-related newz, there are plans for a 3-D motion picture entitled, Baywatch 3-Double-D. Life is good. Thanks to Big Daddy Myron and his killer chili for the link.
Ruby Foosday's
These People Were Born
571 (probably) - prophet, OG MC, Muhammad... at least we knew The Christ was born on 0/00/00
1889 - humanitarian and lover of animals, Adolf "Coors" Hitler
1893 - Spanish painter, Joan Miro
1925 - King of Latin Music, "Tos" Tito "os" Puente
1940 - Sulu, George "Oh, my!" Takei
1959 - Ron's ugly kid brother, Clint "Michigan" Howard
1961 - mustached baseman, Don "Mustachio" Mattingly
1964 - actors/freaks, Crispin "Body" Glover & Andy "3-Ring" Serkis!!!!
1968 - the host of the kiddy game show Fun House, "DJ" J.D. Roth
1972 - deceased Howard Stern lackey, Hank "The Angry Drunken Dwarf"
1976 - Joey "Wo!" Lawrence
???? - Bart Simpson?
Smithers likey the men with the mustachizoids
And This Shit Happened
1657 - Jews of New Amsterdam (aka NYC) granted freedom of religion. The first thing they do is buy up all the radio and TV stations and then run the banks.
1862 - The first pasteurization test completed by Louis Pasteur and Claude Bernard. A holiday was later named in his honor: Pasteurover.
1999 - Columbine High School jack-asses, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, kill 15 students dead. Eat a dick in hell with animal-loving pal Adde Hitler.
Every Year - In Canada and the United States, April 20th is a ceremonial day to "smoke out" (smoke marijuana). So at 4:20 PM, forget about what you were thinking of, grab some Doritos, and start laughing at crappy shows like $40 A Day.
571 (probably) - prophet, OG MC, Muhammad... at least we knew The Christ was born on 0/00/00
1889 - humanitarian and lover of animals, Adolf "Coors" Hitler
1893 - Spanish painter, Joan Miro
1925 - King of Latin Music, "Tos" Tito "os" Puente
1940 - Sulu, George "Oh, my!" Takei
1959 - Ron's ugly kid brother, Clint "Michigan" Howard
1961 - mustached baseman, Don "Mustachio" Mattingly
1964 - actors/freaks, Crispin "Body" Glover & Andy "3-Ring" Serkis!!!!
1968 - the host of the kiddy game show Fun House, "DJ" J.D. Roth
1972 - deceased Howard Stern lackey, Hank "The Angry Drunken Dwarf"
1976 - Joey "Wo!" Lawrence
???? - Bart Simpson?
Smithers likey the men with the mustachizoids
And This Shit Happened
1657 - Jews of New Amsterdam (aka NYC) granted freedom of religion. The first thing they do is buy up all the radio and TV stations and then run the banks.
1862 - The first pasteurization test completed by Louis Pasteur and Claude Bernard. A holiday was later named in his honor: Pasteurover.
1999 - Columbine High School jack-asses, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, kill 15 students dead. Eat a dick in hell with animal-loving pal Adde Hitler.
Every Year - In Canada and the United States, April 20th is a ceremonial day to "smoke out" (smoke marijuana). So at 4:20 PM, forget about what you were thinking of, grab some Doritos, and start laughing at crappy shows like $40 A Day.
Box Office Bidness
The Monster Squad
 |
2. The Punisher - $14 million - I think I've declared a silent-jihad against John Travolta movies.
3. Johnson Family Vacation - $6.4 million - Seriously, who's Steve Harvey's dentist? He has the whitest set of chompers on earth.
4. Hellboy - $5.7 million - Number 2 got greenlighted. It's gonna stink more than a #2. Czech out our review.
5. Home on the Range - $5.4 million - I think its time for Disney to option all those cereal mascots and make a movie. Tony the Tiger and Snap, Crackle, and Pop take on General Mills and his army of the undead, Count Chocula, Frankenberry, Boo Berry, Fruit Brute, and Yummy Mummy.
 on episode one |
7. Walking Tall - $4.6 million - That dude Neal McDonough's eyes creep me out.
8. Ella Enchanted $4.4 million - Ella is under a spell to be constantly obedient. Hey Ella, pick up my dry cleaning and then go jump in a lake.
9. The Passion of the Christ - $4.1 million - El Christo needs about 6 mil to pass Jurassic Park to become the 7th highest grossing film of all time. It's already the grossest movie of all time.
10. The Alamo - $4 million - Davy Crockett's got a wocket in his pocket.
Monday, April 19
I Give You Permission
To Shoot Your TV
 Odd that this gem was left out of Ebert's Overlooked Film Fest. |
- a 4th Law & Order and a 3rd CSI. PLEASE, STOP!!!
- a Macaulay Culkin shitcom about a brother and sister reunited after growing up in different foster homes. BORRRRRRRRRRRING!!
- Chris O'Donnell in somethang called The Amazing Westerbergs. What's amazing is that the boy wonder is still employed.
- Ricki Lake stars as a single mom who runs a bar. Sometime the bar eats you and sometimes Ricki Lake will eat the bar.
- The American version of The Office. Can't be good. I scream Blasphemhy!!
- Apparently Major Dad, Gerald McRaney, has been demoted to Commando Nanny. Maybe there'll be a movie (ala Freddy vs. Jason) where he'll square-off against Hulk Hogan's Suburban Commando.
- D.O.T.S, a comedy about meter maids. 5 bucks sez one of the character's name is Lovely Rita.
- Jeff Goldblum is a financial consultant in therapy. Golblum + anything = CHAOS (theory)
- Hub, a drama about an airport with Heather Locklear. This may turn out to be better than that new Speilbergo/Hanks shitflick (please, do yo self a favor and watch the trailer).
- Worst Irony Award: Blind Justice, about a seeing-impaired cop.
- Jason Alexander plays writer and popular ESPN commentator Tony Kornheiser in a CBS project. Probably the only new show I'll end up TiVoing.
- A UPN drama about lesbian private investigators called Nikki and Nora. Hopefully taking hot baths together will help them gather all the clues they need.
- I saved the breast for last: a remake of Mister Ed with MIA Twin Peaks uber-hottie, Sherilyn Fenn and George Jefferson. Wow, looks like originality is at all time high.
Qwik-ease
- Looks like 2004's 2-day edition of Lolly-po-loser will be the best one yet! PJ Harvey and Le Tigre just joined the already dope-ass bill of Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Gomez, Modest Mouse, Morrissey, The Flaming Lips, The Polyphonic Spree, and The String Cheese Incident. How come it took em so long to get it right? What the funk were they thinking in year's past with KoRn, Metallica, and Sinbad O'Connor? In other fest news, Day One (aka Radiohead/Pixies night) of Coachella has SOLD OUT! However, tickets are still available for Sunday, which me thinks is a soilderer set of acts. If yer itching to get Saturday tickets, I'd start searching for people who were only going to see Wilco.
- Which Star Wars character are you? They say I'm Chewbacca, but I'm more of a Lobot kind of a guy. Link via Flea.
- If you happen to be strolling around Champaign-Urbana, Illy-noise later this week, I highly recommend you check out Roger Ebert's Overlooked Film Festival. Sir fatness will be showing some of his favorite underappreciated gems like Errol Morris' doc Gates of Heaven and the movie that made me think twice about crossing a border by rat-infested tunnels, El Norte. And whilst in Cham-Urb, Ill, be sure to hit up Po Boy's Bar-B-Que (58 E. Columbia Ave, Champaign). Their hot beef is umcredible and are complimented well with a side "salad" aka potato salad and a generic soda, aptly labeled, "Cola", "Grape", or "Orange."
- Often injured RB Corey Dillion was traded to the Pats today for a draft pick. Finally, New England has a fantasy RB that won't split time... until he gets injured of course. Who cares, it's all about Portis and the Skins baby!!
- What's 19 feet wide and 19 feet deep? No, not my mustache, but this couple's new home.
 If I had those things on my ears, I could probably blog a lot faster. |
- If you happen to be strolling around Champaign-Urbana, Illy-noise later this week, I highly recommend you check out Roger Ebert's Overlooked Film Festival. Sir fatness will be showing some of his favorite underappreciated gems like Errol Morris' doc Gates of Heaven and the movie that made me think twice about crossing a border by rat-infested tunnels, El Norte. And whilst in Cham-Urb, Ill, be sure to hit up Po Boy's Bar-B-Que (58 E. Columbia Ave, Champaign). Their hot beef is umcredible and are complimented well with a side "salad" aka potato salad and a generic soda, aptly labeled, "Cola", "Grape", or "Orange."
- Often injured RB Corey Dillion was traded to the Pats today for a draft pick. Finally, New England has a fantasy RB that won't split time... until he gets injured of course. Who cares, it's all about Portis and the Skins baby!!
- What's 19 feet wide and 19 feet deep? No, not my mustache, but this couple's new home.
Blog 1st
Everything Else 5th
I'm so dedicated to this blizog and finding pictures of TV's Ben Seaver that I didn't even realize I had "cock-blogged" my roommate. Sorry, but duty calls. And please, no tacos in the bathroom. Thanks.
Ford O'Mighty!
The big wigs over at Ford Motor Cars are none too pleased with an internet ad for their European hatchback called the Sportka. Why? Click me to find out.
Qwik Fitz
 This wax figure would give Stephen King nightmares |
- Queen of nepotism, Tori Smelling, will be strutting her comedic stuff this fall on UPN's new comedy Me, Me, Me. I've been patiently waiting for this day ever since her brilliant work as Screech's sweetheart, Violet Bickerstaff, on Saved By The Bell.
- McDonald's CEO croaks. This is what happens when you get free hash browns every dang morning. Link from Flea.
- Apprentice runner-up, Kwame "Sorry Ms" Jackson, isn't going home a loser. Firstly, he never has to look at the Donald's hair again. Secondly, he already has a job lined-up thru Dallas Maverick maverick, Mark Cuban. And lastly, KFC wants em to be the spokesman for their oven-roasted chicken line. I wonder what Omarosa's next move is. She needs a job where she can't screw anything up. Suggestions: toll-both operator, hand model, or Philly Phanatic.
- Here's Blender magazine's top 10 worstest songs of all time:
1. We Built This City - Jefferson StarshipThat may not be the worst song ever, but Jefferson Starship, Chewbacca and Bea Arthur were apart of the worst George Lucas-related thang ever, The Star Wars Holiday Special. Do they celebrate Kwanza on Tatooine?
2. Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus
3. Everybody Have Fun Tonight - Wang Chung
4. Rollin' - Limpbizkit
5. Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice
6. The Heart of Rock & Roll - Huey Lewis & The News
7. Don't Worry, Be Happy - Bobby McFerrin
8. Party All the Time - Eddie Murphy
9. American Life - Madonna
10. Ebony and Ivory- Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder
Bea Arthur and Greedo were part-time lovers
All Hi-Tech And Shit
Looks like one of TWS's favorite websites with the word "Jonah" in it, What Jonah Thinks, is now a fully operational Death Star. Czech it out peoples.
A Case of the Mondaze
These People Were Born
1903 - gangsta banger , Eliot "Loch" Ness
1935 - Kirk Cameron's body switching pa, Dudley "Dinty" Moore
1946 - Mr. Body, Tim "In a Hurry" Curry
1965 - Death Row Records honcho, Suge "Black" Knight
1968 - hasn't been in one good movie, Ashley Judd "Nelson"
1979 - hasn't been in one good movie since Almost Famous, Kate "Moscow on the" Hudson
1981 - Darth Vader to be, Hayden "Jewishnessness" Christensen
Almost more awfulller than
young Anakin, Jake Lloyd
And This Shit Happened
1909 - Joan of Arc is declared a saint. She is later traded to the Falcons for Jay Feely.
1938 - RCA-NBC begins regular television broadcasts. Must See TV back then was just seeing TV, period.
1956 - Actress Grace Kelly marries Rainier III of Monaco. This starts a long trend of hot American actressesses marrying rich dudes from Europe. This also started bad movie trends like Julia Stiles' latest.
1971 - Charles Manson is sentenced to life in prison for the Sharon Tate murders. Thus begins a slew of parole hearings that are more bizarre than the killings. If they were ever to release a DVD of all of em, I'd buy em by the boatload.
1987 - The Simpsons make their first appearance on television, on The Tracey Ullman Show, in the short episode called "Good Night". This is the last time you'll see Dan Castanella in front of a camera.
1995 - Oklahoma City bombing: The Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma is bombed, killing 168. Nothing funny, so get back to work.
Charlie made being insane the in thing
1903 - gangsta banger , Eliot "Loch" Ness
1935 - Kirk Cameron's body switching pa, Dudley "Dinty" Moore
1946 - Mr. Body, Tim "In a Hurry" Curry
1965 - Death Row Records honcho, Suge "Black" Knight
1968 - hasn't been in one good movie, Ashley Judd "Nelson"
1979 - hasn't been in one good movie since Almost Famous, Kate "Moscow on the" Hudson
1981 - Darth Vader to be, Hayden "Jewishnessness" Christensen
Almost more awfulller than
young Anakin, Jake Lloyd
And This Shit Happened
1909 - Joan of Arc is declared a saint. She is later traded to the Falcons for Jay Feely.
1938 - RCA-NBC begins regular television broadcasts. Must See TV back then was just seeing TV, period.
1956 - Actress Grace Kelly marries Rainier III of Monaco. This starts a long trend of hot American actressesses marrying rich dudes from Europe. This also started bad movie trends like Julia Stiles' latest.
1971 - Charles Manson is sentenced to life in prison for the Sharon Tate murders. Thus begins a slew of parole hearings that are more bizarre than the killings. If they were ever to release a DVD of all of em, I'd buy em by the boatload.
1987 - The Simpsons make their first appearance on television, on The Tracey Ullman Show, in the short episode called "Good Night". This is the last time you'll see Dan Castanella in front of a camera.
1995 - Oklahoma City bombing: The Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma is bombed, killing 168. Nothing funny, so get back to work.
Charlie made being insane the in thing
Sunday, April 18
Yeeeehaaaw!!
Wear Your Sunday's Best
These People Were Born
1857 - original attorney to the stars, Clarence "Bow and" Darrow
1946 - Parent Trapper, Hayley "General" Mills
1947 - actor and playa, James "Morning" Woods
1954 - kid shrinker and Dana Barrett worshipper, Rick "Uranus" Moranis
1956 - Eric "how am I related to Julia" Roberts
1963 - best talk show host EVER, Conan "The Librarian" O'Brien
1976 - former tween dream, Melissa Joan Hart "Explains It All"
We all known Clarissa is a huge star, but
whatever happened to her brother Ferguson?
And This Shit Happened
1025 - Boleslaw I Chrobry (what a kickass name, eh?) is crowned as the first in history king of Poland. His first act was the creation of an inventors club, which eventually gave us the submarine with a screen door.
1906 - A massive earthquake destroys much of San Francisco. All the gay clubs and Chinese restaurants have to be rebuilt.
1980 - Rhodesia becomes the Republic of Zimbabwe. Best names of former African colonies: The Transvaal and The Orange Free State.
To hell with Kamchatka, Yakutsk and Irkutsk,
it's all about the African colonies.
1857 - original attorney to the stars, Clarence "Bow and" Darrow
1946 - Parent Trapper, Hayley "General" Mills
1947 - actor and playa, James "Morning" Woods
1954 - kid shrinker and Dana Barrett worshipper, Rick "Uranus" Moranis
1956 - Eric "how am I related to Julia" Roberts
1963 - best talk show host EVER, Conan "The Librarian" O'Brien
1976 - former tween dream, Melissa Joan Hart "Explains It All"
We all known Clarissa is a huge star, but
whatever happened to her brother Ferguson?
And This Shit Happened
1025 - Boleslaw I Chrobry (what a kickass name, eh?) is crowned as the first in history king of Poland. His first act was the creation of an inventors club, which eventually gave us the submarine with a screen door.
1906 - A massive earthquake destroys much of San Francisco. All the gay clubs and Chinese restaurants have to be rebuilt.
1980 - Rhodesia becomes the Republic of Zimbabwe. Best names of former African colonies: The Transvaal and The Orange Free State.
To hell with Kamchatka, Yakutsk and Irkutsk,
it's all about the African colonies.
Saturday, April 17
Sweet Dreams
Are Made of Me?
 |
| |
Saturday Night's Alright
(For Fighting)
These People Were Born
1894 – shoe banging commie, Nikita Khrush”Control”chev
1897 – Mike Seaver starred in the stage version of Thornton “Mellon” Wilder’s Our Town
1918 – bridge destroyer, William “know when to” Holden
1938 – Richard “somehow I got to direct Return of the Jedi Marquand
1947 – Ian “The Emperor” McDiarmid
1948 – Miami Vice theme-maker, Jan “Arm &” Hammer
1954 – best wrestler ever next to Junkyard Dog, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper
1957 – author whose books make cheesy movies, Nick Hornb”all”y
1959 – Boromir, shmoromir, Sean “My Name Doesn’t Rhyme” Bean
1961 – footballer and all around dumb-ass, “Baby” Boomer Esiason
1963 – brother of Bill, Joel “One Crazy Summer” Murray
1967 – songstress with the lyric, “I'll fuck you 'til your dick is blue”, Liz “Play” Phair
1970 – the forgotten bad guy from a Mega Man game, Redman
1972 – Jennifer “14 going on 15 minutes of fame” Garner
1974 – Posh Spice, Victoria “I hate sex messaging” Beckham
Two can play that game Becks!
Here's a photo of Posh's text messaging buddy.
And This Shit Happened
1492 - Spain and Christopher Columbus sign a contract for him to sail to Asia to get (11 herbs and) spices, so they could open their own KFC franchise.
1524 - Giovanni da Verrazano reaches New York harbor. He didn’t have his EZ Pass on him so he had to fork over $8 bones.
1924 - Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer studios is formed. 80 years later they release Agent Cody Banks 2 and almost have to close their doors for good.
1964 - Ford Motor Company unveils the Mustang car. American drivers can now look as cool as Europeans, but not really.
1975 - Cambodia falls to the Khmer Rouge. Boobies still a flappin at the Moulin Rouge.
The real reason
behind Columbus' journey.
1894 – shoe banging commie, Nikita Khrush”Control”chev
1897 – Mike Seaver starred in the stage version of Thornton “Mellon” Wilder’s Our Town
1918 – bridge destroyer, William “know when to” Holden
1938 – Richard “somehow I got to direct Return of the Jedi Marquand
1947 – Ian “The Emperor” McDiarmid
1948 – Miami Vice theme-maker, Jan “Arm &” Hammer
1954 – best wrestler ever next to Junkyard Dog, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper
1957 – author whose books make cheesy movies, Nick Hornb”all”y
1959 – Boromir, shmoromir, Sean “My Name Doesn’t Rhyme” Bean
1961 – footballer and all around dumb-ass, “Baby” Boomer Esiason
1963 – brother of Bill, Joel “One Crazy Summer” Murray
1967 – songstress with the lyric, “I'll fuck you 'til your dick is blue”, Liz “Play” Phair
1970 – the forgotten bad guy from a Mega Man game, Redman
1972 – Jennifer “14 going on 15 minutes of fame” Garner
1974 – Posh Spice, Victoria “I hate sex messaging” Beckham
Two can play that game Becks!
Here's a photo of Posh's text messaging buddy.
And This Shit Happened
1492 - Spain and Christopher Columbus sign a contract for him to sail to Asia to get (11 herbs and) spices, so they could open their own KFC franchise.
1524 - Giovanni da Verrazano reaches New York harbor. He didn’t have his EZ Pass on him so he had to fork over $8 bones.
1924 - Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer studios is formed. 80 years later they release Agent Cody Banks 2 and almost have to close their doors for good.
1964 - Ford Motor Company unveils the Mustang car. American drivers can now look as cool as Europeans, but not really.
1975 - Cambodia falls to the Khmer Rouge. Boobies still a flappin at the Moulin Rouge.
The real reason
behind Columbus' journey.
Friday, April 16
No Spielberg No!
My faithful confidant, Ross K Doji, told me about a retched trailer for Senor Spielbergo's latest joint, titled The Terminal. It stars Tom Hanks as some foreign dude who lives in an airport and wins the heart of C.Z.J.D.F. (Catherine-Zeta Jones-Douglas-Fairbanks). YIKES! Hope this romantic comedy isn't more awfullller than the C.Z.J.D.F./Coen Bros collaboration, Intolerable Cruelty. The only bright spot is that Wes Anderson's muse, Kumar Pallana (Mr. LittleJeans/Pagoda), has a bit part in the film. However, Kumar or even Earnest can't save this tripe on celluloid.
For once the credits will be more
engaging than the movie itself
For once the credits will be more
engaging than the movie itself
Qwikie Nibbles
From Rob Dibble
To Double Dribble
 Pacey's breath smells like teen spirit. |
- Robber calls KFC claiming to be police. Robber tells KFC that they will be robbed by a robber and to let the robber rob. Then the robber shows up and robs KFC. KFC lets him walk away with $200 and some crappy cole slaw. KFC confused. BTW, KFC's fried chicken is more tasteless than a book of jokes by Blanche Knott.
- A Florida tween hires a cop to kill his mom. He tells the cop to make it look like a burglary, but to not harm the TV. Who needs parents when you have TV? Dude, who's going to pay the cable bill, you?
 China, always on the cutting edge |
- A fab cast has been lined up for The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie. How fab? Mo fab than Fabio. How does John Malkovich, Sam Rockwell, Mos Def, It-gal Zooey Deschanel, Wicket/Willow/Leprechaun, The Office's Tim, and that crazy old rocker dude from Love Actually sound? Pretty f-in good. Since Star Wars III is gonna be a stinker, I finally have something to look forward to in 2005.
- MTV's Video Music Awards is Miami bound this year. What's next, a hockey team in Tampa?
 "You're Fired!" |
- Finally, what happens to old crappy buildings in New England? They get photographed and placed on this kewl website.
Switched at Birth?
Move Over Google
 |
Attack of the Cicadas
Part II
 Coming soon to your area: Bubba Gump Cicada Factory |
Farms, Not Arms
Poops, Not Troops
The Cure were added to the line-up this morning. I was still holding out for Hillary Duff as headliner. Full list here.
From the Good
People at Popbitch
Here's their comprehensive guide to the most appallingly named celebrity babies of the 21st Century:
1. Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf Lee - Jason Lee
2. Tu Morrow - Rob Morrow (Tu Morrow... geddit?)
3. Audio Science Sossamon - Shannon Sossamon
4. Salvador O'Brien - Ed O' Brien (Radiohead)
5. Raven Numan - Gary Numan
6. Banjo Griffiths-Taylor - Rachel Griffiths
7. Jermajesty Jackson - Jermaine Jackson
8. Reignbeau Rhames - Ving Rhames (like Rainbow)
9. Jaz Agassi - Andre and Steffi Agassi
10. Speck Wildhorse Mellencamp - John Mellencamp
Also, check out this animated tribute to Johnny Cash with monkeys.
Want mo crap like this?
Sign up for Popbitch's newsletter NOW!!
1. Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf Lee - Jason Lee
2. Tu Morrow - Rob Morrow (Tu Morrow... geddit?)
3. Audio Science Sossamon - Shannon Sossamon
4. Salvador O'Brien - Ed O' Brien (Radiohead)
5. Raven Numan - Gary Numan
6. Banjo Griffiths-Taylor - Rachel Griffiths
7. Jermajesty Jackson - Jermaine Jackson
8. Reignbeau Rhames - Ving Rhames (like Rainbow)
9. Jaz Agassi - Andre and Steffi Agassi
10. Speck Wildhorse Mellencamp - John Mellencamp
Also, check out this animated tribute to Johnny Cash with monkeys.
Want mo crap like this?
Sign up for Popbitch's newsletter NOW!!
DeVoe
Back In Action
 The "Do Me In The Morning" Look |
Ghanks Toodness,
Its Friday!
These People Were Born (a gr8 day to be borne)
1867 - pilot, bike phanatic, pimp daddy, Wilbur "Orville" Wright
1889 - mustached film star, Charlie "C Diddy" Chaplin
1921 - recently deceased, Peter "Beef" Ustinov
1947 - Airplane! co-pilot, Kareem "Paula" Abdul-Jabbar
1962 - righteous Fugazi rocker and emo creator, Ian Mac"Daddy"Kaye
1965 - traffic stopping, gun totting, Black Knight, Martin "Sarah" Lawrence
1970 - Garyland grad and CBS Sports hotness, "My" Bonnie "Lies Over the Ocean" Bernstein
1971 - Peter "Ralphie" Billingsley
1976 - Andre 3000's pal and Natalie Portman's ex-flame? Lukas "Haagen" Haas
Oooh fuuudge!
And This Shit Happened
1917 - Vladmir Lenin returns from exile... on Main Street.
1926 - Lolly Willows by Sylvia Townsend Warner is sent out to readers as the first Book-of-the-Month Club selection ever. In the late 90s, Oprah formed her own book club and has basically told women what they should read ever since.
1943 - Dr. Albert Hofmann discovers the psychic effects of LSD. The next day he builds a time machine and goes into the future so he can see Kubey Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey in theaters.
1947 - On this very day, Bernard Baruch coins the term "Cold War", then takes a cold shower, assassinates reknown scientist Dr. Pepper and thus begins the "Cola Wars."
This could be the greatest website
ever devoted to fake Dr. Pepper
1867 - pilot, bike phanatic, pimp daddy, Wilbur "Orville" Wright
1889 - mustached film star, Charlie "C Diddy" Chaplin
1921 - recently deceased, Peter "Beef" Ustinov
1947 - Airplane! co-pilot, Kareem "Paula" Abdul-Jabbar
1962 - righteous Fugazi rocker and emo creator, Ian Mac"Daddy"Kaye
1965 - traffic stopping, gun totting, Black Knight, Martin "Sarah" Lawrence
1970 - Garyland grad and CBS Sports hotness, "My" Bonnie "Lies Over the Ocean" Bernstein
1971 - Peter "Ralphie" Billingsley
1976 - Andre 3000's pal and Natalie Portman's ex-flame? Lukas "Haagen" Haas
Oooh fuuudge!
And This Shit Happened
1917 - Vladmir Lenin returns from exile... on Main Street.
1926 - Lolly Willows by Sylvia Townsend Warner is sent out to readers as the first Book-of-the-Month Club selection ever. In the late 90s, Oprah formed her own book club and has basically told women what they should read ever since.
1943 - Dr. Albert Hofmann discovers the psychic effects of LSD. The next day he builds a time machine and goes into the future so he can see Kubey Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey in theaters.
1947 - On this very day, Bernard Baruch coins the term "Cold War", then takes a cold shower, assassinates reknown scientist Dr. Pepper and thus begins the "Cola Wars."
ever devoted to fake Dr. Pepper
Thursday, April 15
ECNY Awards Nominations
Props de la mondo are in order for my good pals over at InsideJoke.TV. Theys gots them self nominated for Best Website for the 2004 Emerging Comics of New York Awards!! Wooo-hooo!!! Although they should win cause I say so, they mos def have some stiff competition from this um-credible site, Bar Mitzvah Disco.com. Shamus McShamless Plug Alert: I occasionally write some articles for InsideJoke and you can check out my hot photo and zany articles here (Hint: I'm the first of the Ps).
Fugazi Slowly
Turning Into Phish
 How do expect to smile when all of your concerts are gratis? |
The Long Awaited
Air Keytar Photo
Here Jean-Benoît Dunckel, of Air, rocks out without his cock out, this past Tuesday @ The Hammerstein Ballroom
Tales of My Fourth Grade Noisemakers
 Where's Yul Brynner when you need him? |
Mark "Super" Duper
Qwik Bitz
- A Wisconsin cop downs 9 1/2 donuts in 3 minutes to win a doughnut-eating contest. HA! I once ate like 20+ White Castle shitburgers in less than 3 minutes. Maybe our mouths will meet up (that sounds awfully gay, doesn't it?) at Nathan's Annual 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest.
Every fat person's wet dream
- Cat not in hat. Cat in box. Box shipped with birds. Box arrives 30 days later. Cat found alive. Cat will be a contestant on next Survivor. Cat will sing a duo with William Hung.
- A rare copy of Hamlet failed to sell at a Christie's auction. Ya wanna know why? Cause no one has ever fully read it. And who needs to read the whole thing when there are like 8 movie versions and CliffsNotes.
- Finally, the reality show we've all been waiting for: "scrimmages and other behind-the-scenes activities" of the Lingerie Football League. Can I play permanent QB?
Every fat person's wet dream
- Cat not in hat. Cat in box. Box shipped with birds. Box arrives 30 days later. Cat found alive. Cat will be a contestant on next Survivor. Cat will sing a duo with William Hung.
 Thank you for helping me pass High School English |
- Finally, the reality show we've all been waiting for: "scrimmages and other behind-the-scenes activities" of the Lingerie Football League. Can I play permanent QB?
Guilty Pleasurez
What do fellow blawg hipster-inos Ultraaaaagirl, Ms. Mod Age, and Uncle Whatevs all have in common? They've been outed in the NY Post as Olsen twins fanatics! So when is Newsweek gonna run an article on me and my Lindsay Lohan fetish? I mean, I'm the gateway between LL and all of her Swedish fans. Post article by way of Doc Grambo.
Here's Shitler's List for 2004's HFStival:
The Offspring
O.A.R.
Papa Roach
P.O.D.
Lost Prophets
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Jay-Z
Yellowcard
Violent Femmes
Cypress Hill*
New Found Glory*
Modest Mouse*
The Living End*
Taking Back Sunday*
Jimmie's Chicken Shack*
The Offspring
O.A.R.
Papa Roach
P.O.D.
Lost Prophets
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Jay-Z
Yellowcard
Violent Femmes
Cypress Hill*
New Found Glory*
Modest Mouse*
The Living End*
Taking Back Sunday*
Jimmie's Chicken Shack*
The Gibbs Era Commenceth
NFL schedules were released today. Kickoff will 1nce again be on a Thursday night (sans Britney or any rock and/or roll) with the Patsies vs. the Coltsies. There will also be a game on Christmas Eve and a doubleheader for Christmas! FINALLY, something to do on that day besides eat crappy Chinese food and see a Miramax epic!!! No other team really matters cept the never racist Washington Redskins. Three primetime games baby!!
SKINSzz 2004 REGULAR SEASON SCHEDULE
Sunday, September 12: Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 1:00 p.m.
Sunday, September 19: @ New York Giants, 1:00 p.m.
Monday, September 27: Dallas Cowboys, 9:00 p.m.
Sunday, October 3: @ Cleveland Browns, 1:00 p.m.
Sunday, October 10: Baltimore Ravens, 8:30 p.m.
Sunday, October 17: @ Chicago Bears, 1:00 p.m.
Sunday, October 24: -- OPEN DATE --
Sunday, October 31: Green Bay Packers, 1:00 p.m.
Sunday, November 7: @ Detroit Lions, 1:00 p.m.
Sunday, November 14: Cincinnati Bengals, 4:05 p.m.
Sunday, November 21: @ Philadelphia Eagles, 4:15 p.m.
Sunday, November 28: @ Pittsburgh Steelers, 1:00 p.m.
Sunday, December 5: New York Giants, 4:15 p.m.
Sunday, December 12: Philadelphia Eagles, 8:30 p.m.
Saturday, December 18: @ San Francisco 49ers, 5:00 p.m.
Sunday, December 26: @ Dallas Cowboys, 4:15 p.m.
Sunday, January 2: Minnesota Vikings, 1:00 p.m.
HAIL TO THE REDSKINS!!
Based on the fact that Joe Gibbs is lord and back as head honcho, the Skins will go 16-0 easily.
In Gibbs We Trust
Sunday, September 12: Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 1:00 p.m.
Sunday, September 19: @ New York Giants, 1:00 p.m.
Monday, September 27: Dallas Cowboys, 9:00 p.m.
Sunday, October 3: @ Cleveland Browns, 1:00 p.m.
Sunday, October 10: Baltimore Ravens, 8:30 p.m.
Sunday, October 17: @ Chicago Bears, 1:00 p.m.
Sunday, October 24: -- OPEN DATE --
Sunday, October 31: Green Bay Packers, 1:00 p.m.
Sunday, November 7: @ Detroit Lions, 1:00 p.m.
Sunday, November 14: Cincinnati Bengals, 4:05 p.m.
Sunday, November 21: @ Philadelphia Eagles, 4:15 p.m.
Sunday, November 28: @ Pittsburgh Steelers, 1:00 p.m.
Sunday, December 5: New York Giants, 4:15 p.m.
Sunday, December 12: Philadelphia Eagles, 8:30 p.m.
Saturday, December 18: @ San Francisco 49ers, 5:00 p.m.
Sunday, December 26: @ Dallas Cowboys, 4:15 p.m.
Sunday, January 2: Minnesota Vikings, 1:00 p.m.
HAIL TO THE REDSKINS!!
Based on the fact that Joe Gibbs is lord and back as head honcho, the Skins will go 16-0 easily.
In Gibbs We Trust
Thursday's
Thirstings the III
These People Were Born
1452 - triple threat, Leonardo da "Shiz Nit" Vinci
1811 - Siamese twins, Chang and Eng "Lish" Bunker
1843 - an author with two first names, Henry James
1889 - a muralist with "hart", Thomas Hart Benton
1894 - 1st sista of soul, Bessie "Owens" Smith
1951 - helpful hints from, "Go Straight to" Heloise
1966 - bonerrific, Samantha "20th Century" Fox
1990 - Hermione Granger! High Voltage, Emma "elementary my dear" Watson
It's a bit to early to start countin' down Emma's legality.
And This Shit Happened
1912 - The Titanic sinks. Leo's body is frozen until the cure to death can be found. He's stored in Arizona next to Ted Williams.
1924 - Rand McNally publishes its first road atlas.
The Next Day - People start to think that Rand's name is really "Random McNally"
1983 - Tokyo Disneyland opens. Donald Duck is replaced by Kikkoman.
Show you, show me.
1452 - triple threat, Leonardo da "Shiz Nit" Vinci
1811 - Siamese twins, Chang and Eng "Lish" Bunker
1843 - an author with two first names, Henry James
1889 - a muralist with "hart", Thomas Hart Benton
1894 - 1st sista of soul, Bessie "Owens" Smith
1951 - helpful hints from, "Go Straight to" Heloise
1966 - bonerrific, Samantha "20th Century" Fox
1990 - Hermione Granger! High Voltage, Emma "elementary my dear" Watson
It's a bit to early to start countin' down Emma's legality.
And This Shit Happened
1912 - The Titanic sinks. Leo's body is frozen until the cure to death can be found. He's stored in Arizona next to Ted Williams.
1924 - Rand McNally publishes its first road atlas.
The Next Day - People start to think that Rand's name is really "Random McNally"
1983 - Tokyo Disneyland opens. Donald Duck is replaced by Kikkoman.
Show you, show me.
Wednesday, April 14
Who On Earth Would Ever Open This Attachment?
Mr. Alanis Morissette
This sweater was stolen out
of Dr. Cliff Huxtable's closet
Dave Coulier lives!! And now you can keep up to date on all his wacky misadventures thru his hot website Cut It Out.net.
No, never, never, thank you.
WILCO
CANCELS ON
COACHELLA
Qwik Up Stix
 Mummsy and Teddy Bear always loved that ride |
- Hide your women and children cause Kathie Lee Gifford is returning to AM TV. Wasn't life a lot easier when there was only one show that featured both KLG & Regis? Now we're stuck with two shows? If Kelly Ripa's sitcom gets renewed for another season I don't think I'll ever be able to trust TV again. Ooops, it did. What's next, a talent search show hosted by The View's resident judge? New to CBS this fall: Star Search Jones. Just shoot me (no, not the telly vision show).
Switched at birth?
- A Michigan minor league baseball team, The Battle Creek Yankees, not only gave away free tickets to a recent home game, but also a free dollar bill to every ticketed fan. If only the majors followed the lead of the minors, then maybe they'd get people in the seats for a change. If only these two actors could be in the same movie: Lee Majors and Asia Minor.
Qwik Stops
- Remember all that hubb-bubb over Britney Spears' suicide music video? Well, doesn't matter anymore as she decided to leave those scenes in. Link via Stereogum via Sinker.
Don't stay in the bath too long or you'll end
up like that slimey bizatch in The Shining
- Melly Mel Gibson is shopping around the TV rights for The Christ to major networks. The main issue is that Melly wants it to be aired un-edited. If it we to be edited down, the movie would just be 20 minutes of the Marys constantly crying and a bunch of dirty-looking Jews.
- Andie McDowell, who's been more MIA than JD Salinger, is set to co-star as a sassy southern hairdresser in the Barbershop spinoff, Beauty Shop. After this poopfest, I bet there'll be a crossover movie with the Friday and Shop serieseses. It'll be called The Barbershop After Next starring Nipsey Russell, 3rd Bass, and Michael Rappappapport.
- After gettin' their first store in late January, Hawiians have gone absolutley crazy ga-ga for Krispy Kreme donuts. So much so that when they leave the island via plane they stock-up on em in the (baker's) dozens. Maybe when Iraq is up and running, we can install a Krispy Kreme there so they can learn the ways of our obese country. Go USA!!
- Best headline I've seen in years: Man Wins Right to Erect 30-Foot Hot Dog. City officials tried to stop the plans, claiming that more erections would follow and it could make their city look like the Las Vegas strip, but we all know the real reason is penis envy.
Don't stay in the bath too long or you'll end
up like that slimey bizatch in The Shining
- Melly Mel Gibson is shopping around the TV rights for The Christ to major networks. The main issue is that Melly wants it to be aired un-edited. If it we to be edited down, the movie would just be 20 minutes of the Marys constantly crying and a bunch of dirty-looking Jews.
- Andie McDowell, who's been more MIA than JD Salinger, is set to co-star as a sassy southern hairdresser in the Barbershop spinoff, Beauty Shop. After this poopfest, I bet there'll be a crossover movie with the Friday and Shop serieseses. It'll be called The Barbershop After Next starring Nipsey Russell, 3rd Bass, and Michael Rappappapport.
- After gettin' their first store in late January, Hawiians have gone absolutley crazy ga-ga for Krispy Kreme donuts. So much so that when they leave the island via plane they stock-up on em in the (baker's) dozens. Maybe when Iraq is up and running, we can install a Krispy Kreme there so they can learn the ways of our obese country. Go USA!!
- Best headline I've seen in years: Man Wins Right to Erect 30-Foot Hot Dog. City officials tried to stop the plans, claiming that more erections would follow and it could make their city look like the Las Vegas strip, but we all know the real reason is penis envy.
HFStival Update
Pt 3217321
Three more "artists" were added this morning to da list.
Unless Beethoven joins the line-up, there's no way I'm going down to DC that weekend.
The Offspring
O.A.R.
Papa Roach
P.O.D.
Lost Prophets
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Jay-Z*
Yellowcard*
Violent Femmes*
The Greatest Thing France Ever Gave Us
Besides giving us Lady Liberty, some hot actressessses like Virginie Ledoyen, the le Bag and the le Car, the French really haven't done anything for us lately. But alas, one of the greatest bands to ever walk the face of the earth calls the land of frogs, fries, French bread, and French's mustard, home. And that band is:
Air
As my friend Megbot would say,
"I just want them to play [a concert] in my bedroom all day."
You and me both sista.
I just saw them play at Hammerstein Ballroom in NYC. Over a rip-roaring, Rip Torn, hour set + 2 encores, they ripped through Moon Safari classics like "Sexy Boy", Andie McDowell's Loreal Theme Music, "Femme d'Argent", "Kelly Watch The Stars" (the song I always wanted to hear live) and many of the standout tracks from Talkie Walkie. They fucking ROCK! Ever more than LL. Hearing em outdoors at Coachella in two weeks is gonna be straight off the meat rack!
Any band that rocks 10 keyboards
AND a keytar has got be um-credible.
Note: dude with keytar is not in the band Air.
As my friend Megbot would say,
"I just want them to play [a concert] in my bedroom all day."
You and me both sista.
I just saw them play at Hammerstein Ballroom in NYC. Over a rip-roaring, Rip Torn, hour set + 2 encores, they ripped through Moon Safari classics like "Sexy Boy", Andie McDowell's Loreal Theme Music, "Femme d'Argent", "Kelly Watch The Stars" (the song I always wanted to hear live) and many of the standout tracks from Talkie Walkie. They fucking ROCK! Ever more than LL. Hearing em outdoors at Coachella in two weeks is gonna be straight off the meat rack!
Any band that rocks 10 keyboards
AND a keytar has got be um-credible.
Note: dude with keytar is not in the band Air.
Qwik Fits
- I've seen the future of automobiles and it doesn't look pretty:
- Chemical Brothers were added to Boston's 10th annual River Rave. They join the dream line-up of Everlast, P.O.D., and the Offspring. And what the f is up with this AC/DC rip-off font Dashboard Concraptional's been rockin?
- Live in NY and want to see a free movie I wouldn't be caught dead at? Figured you would, click me!
- We thought he was gonna to Hung low. Looks like he's flying high.
- Finally, if I was ever going to live in a cube on a building's roof, it would be this one.
- Chemical Brothers were added to Boston's 10th annual River Rave. They join the dream line-up of Everlast, P.O.D., and the Offspring. And what the f is up with this AC/DC rip-off font Dashboard Concraptional's been rockin?
- Live in NY and want to see a free movie I wouldn't be caught dead at? Figured you would, click me!
- We thought he was gonna to Hung low. Looks like he's flying high.
- Finally, if I was ever going to live in a cube on a building's roof, it would be this one.
Wednesday's Addaammss
 I'd rather see Uma in Vol 2 of this than that Tarantino dumbfest called Kill Bill. |
1904 - Sir John "Feel Good" Gielgud
1925 - A-Rod Steiger
1941 - Pete "Every" Rose "Has Its Thorn"
1961 - Robert "Begbie" Carlyle
1968 - Anthony Michael Hall "& Oates"
1977 - Sarah Michelle Gellar - I'd give you a nickname, but you broke my heart when you married that bonehead Prinze the XVI. Also, you should have left Buffy dead. Thanks for ruining that series by airing it for two more years. PS - I love you... you, you, you!
 "He'll [Picasso] never amount to anything." -Caledon 'Cal' Hockley |
1828 - Noah Webster copyrights the first edition of his dictionary. He then builds an ark with enough space for 2 of every word.
1860 - The first Pony Express rider reaches Sacramento, California. In preparation of the trip, the rider had to play hours of the 5th grade classic computer game, The Oregon Trail.
1865 - Honest Abe Lincoln gets gunned down in a drive by, by JW Booth. Two years later, Abe Lincoln releases an album posthumously ala Tupac.
1910 - Prezident Taft begins the tradition of throwing out the first baseball on opening day. He also introduced nachos, Dipping Dots, and cold pretzels to America's pastime.
1912 - The Titanic strikes an iceberg and Billy Zane's career takes a turn for the worse.
The goal was never to get to Oregon, but to
see how quickly you could drown or starve your
family or see how many American Indians it
would take to kill your whole wagon train.
Tuesday, April 13
Praise The Lorddddd
What An Ole Geezer
Around The World
In 10 Seconds
 Beware of whale on beach |
- Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, the worst hyphenated name since Nik Caner-Medley, is about to lose the Stamos in her name and her life. Her and fellow bad actor hubby John Stamos are calling it quits.
- Dead dude in Indonesia receives 800 votes in an election last week. Since GW Bush blows and J Kerry isn't eggzactly Cpt Amazing, let's all vote for James K. Polk. His name is hella cool and They Might Be Giants even wrote a song about em.
- From the "Please God, NO!" Department: Brintey Spears wants a reality show. Who doesn't? Enuff with the pop stars already, here are some peeps I'd like to see get a reality show: Boutros Boutros Gali, Wilford Brimley, and NOT Wil Wheaton.
 Show me your stuff girl from the Show Me State! |
- Finally, young Obi Wan/Mark Renton, Ewan McGregor, is about to embark on his trans-world motorcycle trip. The adventure will be filmed and eventually be released as a documentary. Based on most of his previous films, I'm sure we'll see his cock show up somewhere.
HFStival Update
Three more "artists" added to the previous list.
I was right about P.O.D... will Hillary Duff be next?
The Offspring
O.A.R.
Papa Roach
P.O.D.*
Lost Prophets*
Yeah Yeah Yeahs*
For You Swedish Fishes
Somebody in Sweden came to this site via Google searching for "Lindsay Lohan address to New York, NY." Sadly, I do not have her address, but here's my guess at where she lives:
This was LL's reaction when I
told her that she rocked!
79 days left tell she's legal!
Yes, I am a scumbag... for 79 more days!!
Lindsay Lohan, Esq
72654365223 Princess Hotness Court
Queens, NY 90210
This was LL's reaction when I
told her that she rocked!
79 days left tell she's legal!
Yes, I am a scumbag... for 79 more days!!
Box Office Bidness
The Christ Resurrects
 |
2. Hellboy - $11.1 million - please see HellBoo review below.
3 (tie) The Alamo - $9.2 million - Apparently no one wants to remember or see the Alamo. When I was in San Antoine with the fam years ago, we were more impressed with an Alamo IMAX movie than the bona fide fort itself. And no, there wasn't a basement... or tours of where Cloak & Dagger (Dabney Coleman/Henry Thomas) was filmed.
3 (tie) Johnson Family Vacation - $9.2 million - I aint going to a movie if any of these words appear in the movie's title: "vacation" or "National Lampoon's."
5. Walking Tall - $8.3 million - In the 1973 original, the main character's name was Buford Pusser. In the new version his name is Chris Vaughn. I guess the Rock is just a big pusser.
6. Home on the Range - $8.2 million - Two Disney movies in the top ten? I wouldn't get used to it.
7. Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed $8 million - What's mo sad: the fact that this movie made another $8 million or the fact that I'll never make that much in my entire life?
8. The Whole Ten Yards - $6.7 million - 15 yard penalty for sucking.
9. Ella Enchanted - $6.1 million - Why this when they could just re-release The Princess Bride?
Inigo Montoya: That Vizzini, he can *fuss*.
Fezzik: Fuss, fuss... I think he like to scream at *us*.
Inigo Montoya: Probably he means no *harm*.
Fezzik: He's really very short on *charm*.
Inigo Montoya: You have a great gift for rhyme.
Fezzik: Yes, yes, some of the time.
Vizzini: Enough of that.
Inigo Montoya: Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?
Fezzik: If there are, we all be dead.
Vizzini: No more rhymes now, I mean it.
Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut?
Vizzini: DYEEAAHHHHHH.
10. The Girl Next Door $6 million - Lettuce be honest, the only reason any of us would ever see this movie would to be
Tuesday's Weld
These People Were Born
1570 - Guy Fawkes "Guys"
1743 - Thomas"'s English Muffin" Jefferson
1852 - F.W. "Woolie" Woolworth
1866 - Butch "Shasta Mc" Cassidy
1946 - Al "Mean Joe" Green
1950 - Ron "HellBoo" Perlman
1976 - Jonathan "RIP" Brandis
The only thing I remember
buying at Woolworth's
And These People Croaked
No one worth mentioning unless of course you mean folklorist Jean de la Fontaine in 1695
And This Shit Happened
1598 - King Henry IV of France issues the Edict of "Jim" Nantes, which allows freedom of religion to the Huguenots. You wanna know who really has WMAs? The Huguenots.
1902 - James C. Penney opens his first store in Kemmerer, Wyoming. Millions of future kids rejoice as they will now be able to see what a woman in underwear looks like thanks to their mail-order catalogs.
JC's catalog ladies would never
fly in today's Janet right breast world
1570 - Guy Fawkes "Guys"
1743 - Thomas"'s English Muffin" Jefferson
1852 - F.W. "Woolie" Woolworth
1866 - Butch "Shasta Mc" Cassidy
1946 - Al "Mean Joe" Green
1950 - Ron "HellBoo" Perlman
1976 - Jonathan "RIP" Brandis
The only thing I remember
buying at Woolworth's
And These People Croaked
No one worth mentioning unless of course you mean folklorist Jean de la Fontaine in 1695
And This Shit Happened
1598 - King Henry IV of France issues the Edict of "Jim" Nantes, which allows freedom of religion to the Huguenots. You wanna know who really has WMAs? The Huguenots.
1902 - James C. Penney opens his first store in Kemmerer, Wyoming. Millions of future kids rejoice as they will now be able to see what a woman in underwear looks like thanks to their mail-order catalogs.
JC's catalog ladies would never
fly in today's Janet right breast world
Monday, April 12
HFStival 2004
The logo is almost as lame as the line-up thus far:
The Offspring
O.A.R.
Papa Roach
Three more "artists" will be added to the already star-studded line-up of May 22nd's HFStival tomorrow @ 7 AM. Tickets go on sale this Saturday, April 17th @ Noon at all places Ticketmaster, the Starbucks of tickets.
Based on that crapola, here's my
guess at the rest of the lineup:
William Hung
P.O.D.
Josh Groban
Snow
Hillary Duff
Blink 182
Turk 182!
Janet's right breast
...We shall keep ye posted
Go Amazon Go!
The $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway
Some highlights from Norman Chad's latest batch of $1.25 winning emails:
Want more?
Q. In terms of improbable feats, where do you rank Connecticut managing to win national titles in men's basketball and women's basketball in the same year? (Garry Bevan; Greensburg, Pa.)
A. Just behind "The Beverly Hillbillies" finishing as the No. 1-rated show in America in back-to-back Nielsen seasons (1962-63 and '63-64).
Q. Should the NBA institute an age limit? (Peter Stans; Waukesha, Wis.)
A. Absolutely not, but no one under the age of 12 should be allowed to attend a WNBA game.
Brothers In Arms
Some dude was left at the altar and decided to go on a 4-year honeymoon with his brother. Even if they slept in separate beds that still sounds a bit forking peculiar. And get this, the dude's memoirs are going to be made into a movie. The brothers Affleck (Ben & Casey) would be perfect for this tripe-fest.
Meet The REAL
Mrs Thigh Master
From Russia With Lust
AT LAST!!! It's almost a year too late, but t.A.T.u., everyone's favorite pseudo-lesbian-Russian-pop-lip syncers/smackers, are finally coming to America for a "tour." I could only find one date on their "Show Me Love" "tour":
Trump Taj Mahal
Atlantic City, New Jersey
Saturday - May 22, 2004
@ 07:00 PM
Tickets are available thru the
Taj box office or from TicketBastard
Me'll have to buy a new box of
Kleenex & a bottle o' coco butter.
Trump Taj Mahal
Atlantic City, New Jersey
Saturday - May 22, 2004
@ 07:00 PM
Tickets are available thru the
Taj box office or from TicketBastard
Me'll have to buy a new box of
Kleenex & a bottle o' coco butter.
Chicken Hear
Chicken Do
Tell the Subservient Chicken what to do. He awaits your command. Link via Zack Attack/Guns n Rosenthal
Don't Touch My
Eyebrows Pt I?
1st of all, he was never that Hulk-like or brown.
And he never looked that good in a black thong!
Wanna see more? Thought ya did.
Thanks to Shady H for this!
Nestle Qwik Hitzzzzezz
- Paul McCartney finally found a new writing partner
- Janet's boob strikes again. Thanks to her shallow tabloid/marketing coup, there will be NO Victoria's Secret fashion show on TV this year. When did watching babes in titillating undergarments become worse than Mein Kampf? It could have been worse though folks, imagine if we saw Michael Jackson's penis.
- Sick of seeing this dude in Coors commercials?
Well, the only channel you'll maybe see him on is C-SPAN cause he's leaving the suds for the senate!
- British bloke sells all of his possessions, including the shirt off his back, bets once on red and nets $270,600. Good thing he didn't follow Wesley Snipes' "Always bet on black" advice from the shitflick Passenger 57. I guess he went with the red of another 57, Heinz. Link via My Man Marvkus (who needs a blog).
- Dr. Melfi's psychiatrist (Peter Bogdanovich) is lined up to direct an original movie about Pete Rose for ESPN called Hustle. Who are they going to get to play Marge Schott since the "Where's The Beef" lady has been 6 feet under for ages? Kathy Bates, stay by your phone!
Which one is NOT evil?
- Janet's boob strikes again. Thanks to her shallow tabloid/marketing coup, there will be NO Victoria's Secret fashion show on TV this year. When did watching babes in titillating undergarments become worse than Mein Kampf? It could have been worse though folks, imagine if we saw Michael Jackson's penis.
- Sick of seeing this dude in Coors commercials?
Well, the only channel you'll maybe see him on is C-SPAN cause he's leaving the suds for the senate!
- British bloke sells all of his possessions, including the shirt off his back, bets once on red and nets $270,600. Good thing he didn't follow Wesley Snipes' "Always bet on black" advice from the shitflick Passenger 57. I guess he went with the red of another 57, Heinz. Link via My Man Marvkus (who needs a blog).
- Dr. Melfi's psychiatrist (Peter Bogdanovich) is lined up to direct an original movie about Pete Rose for ESPN called Hustle. Who are they going to get to play Marge Schott since the "Where's The Beef" lady has been 6 feet under for ages? Kathy Bates, stay by your phone!
Which one is NOT evil?
Shiz That Hized Today
1916 - Beverly "Loud and" Cleary
1947 - David "Pearl Jam's" Letterman
1947 - Tom "For Some Reason I Think B Affleck
is a Better Jack Ryan" Clancy
1979 - Claire "My So Called Acting Career" Danes
You bore me, & you
look like my friend JP
And These People Croaked
1945 - Franklin D "eez Nutz" Roosevelt
1981 - "Average" Joe Louis
1989 - Sugar "Free" Ray Robinson
1989 - Abbie "Normal" Hoffman
2001 - Harvey "Have In A" Ball...
the dude who invented the Smiley
2003 - Cecil H. Green, Texas Instruments Founder
Damn you and yer $2,000 graphing calculators
How does one invent "the Smiley"?
And This Shit Happened
1633 - Galileo is convicted of eating Hershey chocolate...
I mean heresy
1961 - Yuri Gagarin is the first man in space. No one really cares unless the word "American" is in that statement.
1992 - Euro Disney opens in France. Jerry Lewis replaces Michael Jackson in the French version of the 3-D extravaganza Captain Eo.
The least watched 3-D
movie since Jaws 3-D
Sunday, April 11
Guess What?
Bring On De Olympics!!
Bring on dem tourist dollars!
Bring on dem hot Swedes!
Bring on da traffic!
Is it more or does Lady Liberty look
like a mohawked CBGB punk?
DJ Jazzy Kornheiser
Me thinks he was rockin' the combover even back when
he was a student at Binghamton University.
Too Dey
1928 - Ethel Kennedy "Fried Chicken"
1932 - Joel "Touch of" Grey
1947 - Meshach Taylor (no nickname necessary)
1966 - Lisa "Buffalo" Stansfield
Hollywood Montrose
loves window dressing
And These People Croaked
1917 - Scott "Joppy" Joplin
1987 - Primo "Chevy To The" Levi
I can't read, but I hear this
geezer's writing was Primo
And This Shit Happened
1947 - Jackie Robinson is the first African American to play in a modern-day Major League Baseball game.
1961 - Bob Dylan makes his mumbling debut in NYC.
1899 - Spain gives US Puerto Rico. It's no Cuba, but tit'll do.
Ms Puerto Rico soon
to be Mrs Thigh Master
HellBoy or as
Jonah Would Say "HellBoo"
The Lord of Darkness
from Legend
+
Louis Tully's party crasher
+
Japanese Animated
Rape Cartoons
+
The Hulk's chest
+
Jedi's Rancor
+
Me* watching HellBoy
*not actually me
+
s01a.jpg)
Selma "Alabama" Blair
+
Possibly the worst movie ever
Do not see this movie.
Don't listen to the Clash or Ross Kadoji
as they both told us to "Go straight to Hellboy."
The 19th Hole
Most Boringist
Slutt Putt Golf & Women
A Double Deadly Duo!
Volkswagen Golf
An Affordable Car Made By Nazis!
Gulf of Tonkin Yacht Club
Nothing Screams Fancy Yachts Like Vietnam!
Dorf Does Golf
Who buys this crap?
Tiger's AMEX/Caddyshack Ad
Is there a word worsererer than awful?
Merry Easter!
Saturday, April 10
Happy Birthday To
Mandy "Dinty" Moore - 20
Omar "I Shot The" Sharif - 72
"To The" Max Von Sydow - 75
Joseph Pulitzer "Prize" - 157
Puberty hasn't been kind to you.
Don't get all awkward looking like
what happened to Jeremy Miller
Ma & Pa Yankovic
DEAD
Weird Al's parents, Nick and Mary Yankovic, 85 and 81, were found dead in their house yesterday. It is believed that smoke inhalation may have killed them.
Quick Weird Al Stuff:
- His full name is Alfred Matthew Yankovic.
- Al has won three Grammys.
Best Comedy Album of 2003 - Poodle Hat
Best Comedy Recording of 1984 - "Eat It"
Best Concept Video of 1988 - "Fat"
- Prince is the only artist to turn down Al's request to parody a song.
- What ever happened to his trademark look of glasses and le stache? In January of 1998 Al got LASIK surgery to correct his near-sightedness. At the same point he decided to get rid of the facial hair, "although he sometimes grows it back when nobody's looking."
Thighs Wide Al Favs:
- "Yoda"
- Conan the Librarian
- "Smells Like Nirvana"
- "Living With A Hernia"
- "Girls Just Want To Have Lunch"
- "(This Song's Just) Six Words Long"
Want more Al fun? Click here!
 |
- His full name is Alfred Matthew Yankovic.
- Al has won three Grammys.
Best Comedy Album of 2003 - Poodle Hat
Best Comedy Recording of 1984 - "Eat It"
Best Concept Video of 1988 - "Fat"
- Prince is the only artist to turn down Al's request to parody a song.
- What ever happened to his trademark look of glasses and le stache? In January of 1998 Al got LASIK surgery to correct his near-sightedness. At the same point he decided to get rid of the facial hair, "although he sometimes grows it back when nobody's looking."
Thighs Wide Al Favs:
- "Yoda"
- Conan the Librarian
- "Smells Like Nirvana"
- "Living With A Hernia"
- "Girls Just Want To Have Lunch"
- "(This Song's Just) Six Words Long"
Want more Al fun? Click here!
Easter Scares Me
this 10-year old Easter cupcake?
And wat kind of a farm to produce multi-colored baby chicks? Apparently this one!
My Friday Night
If You're In Boston
And It's 11 PM
Go To This
Hentai (Animated Porn) Dubbing EXTRAVAGANZA!!
Hosted by Dick Tripwire and Buster Highman
Can you moan and scream for hours on end without passing out? Can you take on 3 or 4 tentacled beasts and keep on smiling? Can you laugh an evil laugh at helpless peons while they take their punishments? If you possess any of these talents, or would like to find out if you do, then come on out to Dick & Buster's 2nd Annual Hentai Dubbing EXTRAVAGANZA!!! Industry professionals Dick Tripwire and Buster Highman will be on hand to share the delicate craft of voicing adult animation with YOU- the 18 and up hentai enthusiast. Even if you're afraid to admit to your curiosity- come on by and by Jove you will be a full fledged fan by the time we're through! Audience participation Xtremely encouraged! Lend your voice to some of the loveliest and most depraved characters ever animated. Prizes Galore!! And new for 2004- the finest amateur Hentai voice actor will win a role in an upcoming Hentai dub production in NYC!! (18+ only)
Smelly people and more fun can be found at Anime Boston 2004
Hosted by Dick Tripwire and Buster Highman
Can you moan and scream for hours on end without passing out? Can you take on 3 or 4 tentacled beasts and keep on smiling? Can you laugh an evil laugh at helpless peons while they take their punishments? If you possess any of these talents, or would like to find out if you do, then come on out to Dick & Buster's 2nd Annual Hentai Dubbing EXTRAVAGANZA!!! Industry professionals Dick Tripwire and Buster Highman will be on hand to share the delicate craft of voicing adult animation with YOU- the 18 and up hentai enthusiast. Even if you're afraid to admit to your curiosity- come on by and by Jove you will be a full fledged fan by the time we're through! Audience participation Xtremely encouraged! Lend your voice to some of the loveliest and most depraved characters ever animated. Prizes Galore!! And new for 2004- the finest amateur Hentai voice actor will win a role in an upcoming Hentai dub production in NYC!! (18+ only)
Smelly people and more fun can be found at Anime Boston 2004
The Car That Won't
Get You Laid
Sir Alec Guinness is shitting in his grave.
Don't worry ma, I'm just going to tashi
station to pick up some power converters.
This is what happens when:
a) you've lived in your parents basement since 1977
b) you have too much money and free time
c) you rename yourself Obi Shawn
d) you think you're going to marry Princess Leia
e) doves cry
Look at MORE pictures of this H-wing car.
Link curd ta sea of Navi.
Friday, April 9
Lohan is Mo-HOT!!
Qwik Bitzahs
- An Avril Lavigne stalker is in deep doo doo after police raided his house. There was no word on what Lavigne-related paraphernalia was in the house, but I bet the guy had an Avril bong, an Avril Sk8board, and an Avril Patch Kid doll.
- This bit gives new meaning to the term "pay-per-view": an Arkansas peeping Tom left a note and a 20-spot for the object of his viewing pleasure. The note apologized for his actions, but asked if he was allowed to keep on peeping. I'd do the same thing if I was Peter Parker and Kirsten Dusnt was my next door neighbor.
K-Gal, how come you so crazy/beautiful?
And how come u won't return me phone calls?
- This bit gives new meaning to the term "pay-per-view": an Arkansas peeping Tom left a note and a 20-spot for the object of his viewing pleasure. The note apologized for his actions, but asked if he was allowed to keep on peeping. I'd do the same thing if I was Peter Parker and Kirsten Dusnt was my next door neighbor.
K-Gal, how come you so crazy/beautiful?
And how come u won't return me phone calls?
Jew See That?
Last Jewish thing of the day (I promise):
Time to play Kosher OR Treyf?
Triple thanks to Flea for all things Kosher for Passover.
Sk8Boardin' Dog
Nickelbroke
Why does the new Nickelback song sound a lot like that old Nickelback song? Cause it is the same song. Turn on your speakers. The new song plays out of the left speaker and the old one out of the right. Link via Newbrowser via MetaFilter via con Dios.
Nazis, So 5 Minutes Ago
More bad news for Adolf Hitler, besides being a complete asshole and completely dead, he just lost his honorary citizenship of an Austrian town. Hate Nazis but rent Swing Kids. It's cheesy, but it's the best Christian Bale movie since Newsies.
I'm Batman.
I'm Batman.
The Best Game Since
Me Feel Smart One Day
Test yer IQ here. I posted 122 points, 5 rebounds, and 2 blocked shots and according to the site, I'm a "Visual Mathematician." Damn! I wanted to be an f-in Versatile MathMagician fo crying out loud!
IQ - Description - % of Population
130+ - Very superior - 2.2%
120-129 - Superior - 6.7% - 16.1%
90-109 - Average - 50%
80-89 - Low average - 16.1%
70-79 - Borderline - 6.7%
Below 70 - Extremely low - 2.2%
Thanx to A. Cruise-manko for making me waste 20 minutes of my life trying to prove me smarts.
IQ - Description - % of Population
130+ - Very superior - 2.2%
120-129 - Superior - 6.7% - 16.1%
90-109 - Average - 50%
80-89 - Low average - 16.1%
70-79 - Borderline - 6.7%
Below 70 - Extremely low - 2.2%
Thanx to A. Cruise-manko for making me waste 20 minutes of my life trying to prove me smarts.
Thursday, April 8
Babyhead Strikes Again
'Cause Every Girl Crazy 'Bout
A Sharp Dressed Man
50 best dressed blokes of all time.
Is it humanly possible that Winnie Churchill
is a better dresser than Oliver Reed?
Buy A Piece of Yankee Stadium...
And Burn It
Wanna buy authentic seats from Yankee Stadium? Well the New York City Department of Parks & Recreation and the Department of Citywide Administrative Services (DCAS) will sell one hundred sets of seats from the 1975 stadium renovation. They go on sale to the public beginning Monday, April 19 for $1,500 each at CityStore. Fo mo info Click Me!
Things That Repeat Are Funny
Are you Rick James, bitch? Link curd-a-sea of Flea.
I wonder if that site was created by the same genius who put together You're The Man Now Dog.com.
I wonder if that site was created by the same genius who put together You're The Man Now Dog.com.
Real Qwik Bits
- Man steals car. Woman who's car was stolen text messages thief. Thief feels bad and returns car.
- Woman doesn't want to go on vacation with boyfriend. So what is one to do? Call in a bomb threat to the airport! Bad idea jeans.
- Woman doesn't want to go on vacation with boyfriend. So what is one to do? Call in a bomb threat to the airport! Bad idea jeans.
Who Is That With Jeremy?
Jeremy is a lil baby who's father uses him to meet famous people. Lil J has been photographed with everyone from P Diddy to G. Gordon Liddy to even Max Weinberg. Word up to the Zack Attack for the link.
The Coz and Effect
Want to find out what the flizzum and flazzum is going on in the world of Bill Cosby? Head on over to So Sayeth The Coz for all the good info.
To Hell With Beanie Babies
Time To Take The
Sunshine Out Of The Bag
Fantastic news in the house of Albarn!!! A new Blur EP and another Gorillaz album are both on the way!!
Mrs. Beck Ribisi?
The Admiral
Thigh Master Sr. aka me pops turns 61 today!
The Admiral wishes you all the best pa pa!!
Fun New Way To Get To This Site
Wednesday, April 7
The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly
News Bears
 This posting is in honor of the The Bad News Bears. |
- This summer los Beastie Boys will release their follow-up to 1998's Hello Nasty with 15 new tunes on something called To the 5 Boroughs. The Thigh Master is a bit skeptical with song names like "Ch-Check It Out", "The Brouhaha", and "Shazam!" This album could end up in the ugly news by the time it is released. Please note: "Shazam!" has no relation to Shaquille O'Neal's sophomore effort, Kazaam, which is currently the 20th worst movie ever, as voted by IMDB users. Thanks to Ash Thursday I'm In Love for the B-Boy tidbitz.
- Looks like there will be a Simpsons movie after all! Yeardley Smith sez the writers are working on it, but tit'll only be released after the series wraps up in 2 or so seasons. I haven't been this eggcited since they opened a Wendy's near my office. However, Lisa S... no-no-no, L Simpson said there were no plans about turning Herman's Head into a feature film. Troy McClure, RIP!
- This guy has the coolest toys.
Check out more of Sam's Toybox
The Bad News Bears
 How will Mother Brain handle all the slo-motion mid-air gunfights and doves? |
- John Woo bought the film rights to Nintendo's OG game, Metroid. Who will they get to play space bounty hunter Samus Aran? All though the character is a female, I wouldn't be sir prized if Vin Diesel "Jeans" lands the lead role. Maybe Chuck D had it right when he saran-wrapped "Burn, Hollywood, Burn." Thanks to Wannamaker for making me read that article.
- What happens when yer a southern jack-ass who marries Jane Fonda? You get yer own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
- The Hitler Channel have given a permanent vacation to their JFK assassination documentary The Guilty Men. Supposedly they implicated LBJ in the conspiracy, but we all know that "it's a mystery! It's a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma!" Hopefully they won't have to pull these other upcoming shows: It Didn't Happen: Holocaust, Shmolocaust and The Men Who Built Kennedy Airport.
And The Ugly News Bears
- Man kick dog like football. Dog dies.
- First Wil Wheaton gets a website and now this Real World: New York douche bag joins the fray.
Ready for The Miz? Where's William Hung when you need him? Speaking of, word of the street sez he's going to be on this summer's Lollapalooza tour!!
- Finally, just looking at this picture of eyeball jewelry makes me want to throw up.
Reservoir Bond?
 Kill Bill? Kill this man's agent! |
The Next Madonna?
And yes, most of them should be slapped with a book.
Props to Flea for the link-a-dink-a-doo!
Wanna See A Crappy
Movie Fo Free?
Biggest Waste Of Time
From the WTF Department
Want to know how to use a hand puppet to meet, attract, and date tons of single women? Click me! But be warned, never trust a man with a mustache... or a hand puppet.
Thanks to the Zack Attack for the link love.
Thanks to the Zack Attack for the link love.
Tuesday, April 6
Qwik Bitz
The Lettuce Ketchup Edition
 if ABBA were to ever reunite. |
- Guess what happens to a college town when it wins the NCAA championship? Every third car gets turned over, the local Circuit City gets looted, and everything from an aardvark to yer ZZ Top CD collection gets burned to the ground. Congrats to the UConn Huskies and the city of Storrs, you're our next contestant on Fox's new reality series: Modern Day Sodom and Gomorrah.
- I'm sure you've already heard by now that J-Blo's su madre hit it big in AC to the tune of $2.4 mil. Now she can buy the block that Jenny's from, the brand spankin' new In Living Color DVD boxset (where J-Ho and SW1 both got their starts), and perhaps a script to a good movie for her daughter to star in. OK, so I loved Maid In Manhattan, but I also love White Castle hamburgers... shows you what kind of tastes I have!
- Everyone's parents encourages them to get a job when their young. I started off shelving books at the local library when I was 14 (then I quit and joined a rap group called Dewey's Decibel System). But what if you were 2 years old and you managed a cash register at yer parents' restaurant? Aren't their child labor laws in this country? At the rate he's going, he can retire at age 31!
- Finally, The Christ is all the rage in the Islamic world. Why? "Anything Jews say is bad becomes interesting in this part of the world, it sells easily." Well if Jews say that bombing buses be bad, then how come that shit happens all the time?
Products Straight Outta The Chood
Want more? Head on over to Chosen Couture!
Tell em Moishe sent ya!
Box Office Bidness
1. Hellboy - $27.3 million - I'm eager as Beaver Cleaver to see this movie so I can tell people (as Ross Kidoji would say), "Go straight to Hellboy." Not a Clash fan? Fry in hell (boy)!
2. Walking Tall - $19.2 million - Does the Rock no longer rock the casbah (sorry for the 2nd Clash reference)? If they casted Steve-O instead of Johnny Knoxville and let him shoot fireworks out of his a$$, then maybe this would have landed the #1 spot.
3. Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed - $11.4 million - My pal who's a daddy took his son to see this tripe. He had fun, but complained that Sarah Michelle Gellar's shirt wasn't tight enough. What's the point in going then, eh?
4. Home on the Range - $10.7 million - With voicework by Roseanne, Randy Quaid, Jennifer Tilly, AND Cuba Gooding Jr. who wouldn't want to see this? Disney, I'm sure if you get on yer knees and suck, maybe Pixar will take you back.
5. The Prince & Me - $9.6 million - Julia Stiles, quit acting and go back to what you do best: insulting the dining hall staff at Columbia U.
6. The Passion of the Christ - $8.6 million - Who do you think would win in a game of Connect Four, The Jesus or The Moses? Neither of em, Yul Brynner would literally whip their asses!
7. The Ladykillers - $8.5 million - If the Coen Bros can't fully hack it no more, then I suggest that the frozen custard magnates the Kohr Bros take a stab at moviemaking.
8. Jersey Girl - $6 million - I bet watching this movie is similar to driving on the Jersey Turnpike: predictably boring and like getting food poisoning from Roy Rogers.
9. Dawn of the Dead - $4.3 million - Has there ever been a Ving Rhames movie where he hasn't held a gun?
10. Taking Lives - $1.5 million - Damn you for "taking" Eternal Sunshine off this list.
2. Walking Tall - $19.2 million - Does the Rock no longer rock the casbah (sorry for the 2nd Clash reference)? If they casted Steve-O instead of Johnny Knoxville and let him shoot fireworks out of his a$$, then maybe this would have landed the #1 spot.
3. Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed - $11.4 million - My pal who's a daddy took his son to see this tripe. He had fun, but complained that Sarah Michelle Gellar's shirt wasn't tight enough. What's the point in going then, eh?
4. Home on the Range - $10.7 million - With voicework by Roseanne, Randy Quaid, Jennifer Tilly, AND Cuba Gooding Jr. who wouldn't want to see this? Disney, I'm sure if you get on yer knees and suck, maybe Pixar will take you back.
 Ms. Stiles doesn't have a forehead, but a five-head. |
6. The Passion of the Christ - $8.6 million - Who do you think would win in a game of Connect Four, The Jesus or The Moses? Neither of em, Yul Brynner would literally whip their asses!
7. The Ladykillers - $8.5 million - If the Coen Bros can't fully hack it no more, then I suggest that the frozen custard magnates the Kohr Bros take a stab at moviemaking.
8. Jersey Girl - $6 million - I bet watching this movie is similar to driving on the Jersey Turnpike: predictably boring and like getting food poisoning from Roy Rogers.
9. Dawn of the Dead - $4.3 million - Has there ever been a Ving Rhames movie where he hasn't held a gun?
10. Taking Lives - $1.5 million - Damn you for "taking" Eternal Sunshine off this list.
Poop Times 3
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In other poop related messes, there's a website out there dedicated to the Toilets of the World. It covers everything from biblical dump holes (no, not Veterans Stadium) to the in out-houses of tomorrow.
And the winner of the 1st Annual "Why Didn't I Come Up With That Name First" Award goes to the punk rock group Endangered Feces! Congrats boys. You'll now have 2 more hits on your website than before!!
Monday, April 5
Hear Me Now Geezers & Me Julies
 The funniest man alive, period! |
In other FAB Ali G news, da DVD of da 1st Da Ali G Show season will drop in stores on July 20th!! Finally, I can erase them off my TiVo hardrive!!
I Scream
You Scream
We All Scream
For Booze Ice Cream!
Well it didn't take too long for a new product to come out and beat Shards O' Glass as the ice cream of my heart: Illicit Vodka Cranberry Magnum. Now we all can truly know how it feels to live in Siberia. Anywho, some Australians are up in arms over this and fear that it'll turn kids on to the sauce. "These products normalize alcohol and suggest to people that they ought to be thinking about alcohol just about every hour of the day," said the director of the Community Alcohol Action Network. What about those people who think of alcohol every minute? This is a dream come true!
In non-ice cream news, Clyde "The Glyde" Drexler was elected to the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame today. Long live the days of short shirts.
In non-ice cream news, Clyde "The Glyde" Drexler was elected to the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame today. Long live the days of short shirts.
While The Posh Is Away
The Becks Will Lay
 that it's hard to tell whether it's Becks or sasquatch. |
Best/Worst Spice Girls song ever:
"2 Becomes 1"
Still The Best Poem Ever
I froze your tears and made a dagger
And stabbed it in my cock
forever
It stays there like Excalibur
Are you my Arthur?
Say you are
Take this cool dark steeled blade
Steal it, sheath it
In your lake
I drown with you to be together
Must you breathe?
Cos I need Heaven
Wanna win a free trip to England on behalf of
The Office, BBC America, & Bass Ale?
Click me!
To Hell With Teen Spirit
It Smells Like Rotting Corpse
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Movies For the Masses
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There once was a movie called Who's Harry Crumb? By the end of that movie, I realized that he wasn't a guy worth knowing. But what if you were asked who's Rodney Bingenheimer? You probably wouldn't know him from Adam Corolla, but bee leave a me you, after watching this documentary about his life, he is a guy worth knowing. So, who eggzactly is Rodney Bingernehiemamemrewmerier? Welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well, he's one of the most influential groupies and radio DJs of the past 40 years. He's a walking A to Zed of rock music (circa 1960 to the present). He helped to push Glam Rock (Bowie/T-Rex), Punk Rock (Clash/Sex Pistols) Alt Rock (Nirvana/Sonic Youth), and Brit Rock (Oasis/Blur) into the limelight. He was Davy Jones' stand-in on TV's The Monkees, Sonny & Cher's unofficial child, and dear friend to both Kato Kaelin AND Corey Feldman! Sounds like the life, right? Although Rodney is everyone's pal in a world of who's who and bling-bling, he's just a lost soul swimming in a fish bowl... year after year. Anywho, this doc is a bit depressing, but an inspiring kaleidoscopic trip down music's memory lane. A fantabulous piece of work. I'll give it 4 (out of 5) pieces of matzah.
 to see 90 minutes of this? |
Besides money, why remake a movie if you're not going to improve upon it? Uh, money? Gus Van Sant's tried to make an "artistic" shot-by-shot remake of Psycho, but he failed worse than me at Spanish. Gus, you ARE not the dog, now man! Enuff about Gus, and more about the new Leatherface. How could a horror movie not be horrific? I mean Dave & Chainsaw's classroom hijinks were far scarier in Carl Reiner's Summer School. They should have just thrown away the "script" and had Jessica Biel run in fields with her boobs bouncing this way and that. This movie blows and only deserves 1 and 1/2 golden calves. Moses would need those 15 commandments to throw at these 1 and 1/2 calves.
 and plenty of wet dreams. |
On the last day of filming this movie, Clark Gable famously said "Christ, I'm glad this picture's finished. She[Marilyn Monroe] damn near gave me a heart attack." The next day, Gable suffered a massive heart attack and would die 11 days later. This would also turn out to be Ms. Monroe's final completed film. Did I also mention that Eli "Tuco" Wallach and Montgomery Clift co-starred and it was directed by virtuoso John Huston? Sounds like Mt. Olympus of moviemaking, eh? It aint the greatest story ever told, but mos def worth a look based on all the above plus the breathtaking cinematography of the dying wild west (+++ a great close-up of Marilyn’s tight tush while riding a horse). It was a lil hard to take Gable's character seriously since his name was Gay Langland and everyone kept calling him "Gay." Just cause he has a peculiar mustache, doesn't mean he's a Village Person. That a side, 3 and 1/4 mustachios.
Did I use the word "this" too much?
Sunday, April 4
Peace Out Tad Hamilton
Well, you'll have to get in line behind these ladies:
She Bangs!
Oh Moses! Mooooses!!
"Get yer filthy hands of me Yul,
cause I yearn for MOOOOOOOOOOSEESSS!!!"
Yul Brynner Rules!!
Touch My Eyebrows Pt III
My Roomies Are (Almost) Famous
 famous than Corey Feldman. |
Touch My Eyebrows Part I and Part II.
Saturday, April 3
Hot New Product
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Hung Low, Osborne High
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- In other horrible music newzz, Kelly Yucksborne is slowly turning into the heir to Courtney Love. After being caught with a boatload of painkillers, the family is sending her away to spend some quality time rehabin'. All of this could have been avoided by:
A) Sending her to fat camp.
B) Never putting spoiled kids on TV to make them even more spoiled.
C) Banning her music in public.
Spring Forward, Smoke Crack
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Summer Reading Material
Friday, April 2
Japanese If You Please
 Time to roll up some sushi and some joints! |
You Are Not What You Read
Apparently, Fugazi is still together! I guess they aint ready to give up their huge moneymaking enterprise (free concerts, no t-shirts, or collectible glasses from Arby's) just yet. Straight outta Dischord's website:
Contrary to a flood of recent internet postings, Fugazi has not broken up. Over the years the band has circulated in and out of active recording and touring according to the ebb and flow of their personal lives. Two band members now have families with children and currently their concerns are being put above the band's. As of this moment Fugazi is not actively playing or recording but that doesn't mean the band won't become active again in a year, two or possibly never....such is life. Members of Fugazi have always made music outside the band and will continue to do so. Ian is currently playing in a duo with Amy Farina (ex-Warmers) called the Evens, Brendan has been playing with Amy Domingues and Jerry Busher in Garland of Hours, Joe recorded an album with Black Sea (now called Decahedron) feautring ex-Frodus members Jason and Shelby, and Guy performed with members of The Ex at a jazz festival in Austria.
Contrary to a flood of recent internet postings, Fugazi has not broken up. Over the years the band has circulated in and out of active recording and touring according to the ebb and flow of their personal lives. Two band members now have families with children and currently their concerns are being put above the band's. As of this moment Fugazi is not actively playing or recording but that doesn't mean the band won't become active again in a year, two or possibly never....such is life. Members of Fugazi have always made music outside the band and will continue to do so. Ian is currently playing in a duo with Amy Farina (ex-Warmers) called the Evens, Brendan has been playing with Amy Domingues and Jerry Busher in Garland of Hours, Joe recorded an album with Black Sea (now called Decahedron) feautring ex-Frodus members Jason and Shelby, and Guy performed with members of The Ex at a jazz festival in Austria.
From Poland With Lust Pt II
 With bigger bazooms, the mermaid can become as famous as Britney Spearz or Jennifer Love Twotits. |
This story has no relation to the phallus palace that adorns the cover art of Disney's The Little Mermaid.
Testing The Limits of Netflix
New Cali Quarter
First Frodo Baggins, Now This?
Everyone's Favorite Weekly Game
Spot the Drummer!
Thursday, April 1
Worst Cover Band Ever?
When did David Brent start doing Outkast covers? Link lifted from that guck underneath my shoes, Stereogum.
I think I'll become a vegan.
April Fools!!
I think I'll become a vegan.
April Fools!!
To hell with the old and in with the way of meeting people: Political Friendster. Now oh say can you see how Zack de la Roach Clip and Ralph Nader are connected... politically.
George W. Bush is the mos awesomestestest president ever!
April Fools!!
George W. Bush is the mos awesomestestest president ever!
April Fools!!
Royal Flushed
Looks like fresh Prince Will is gettin is grove on. This photo of the future King and his byatch, which was published in the tabloid The Sun, is causing a major uproar amongst the Royal Family and their posse. They should be pleased that everyone doesn't think he's gay anymore.
Mel Gibson is my hero!!
April Fool's!!
Mel Gibson is my hero!!
April Fool's!!
Get Yer A$$ To D.C.
 cherry (blossom) yet? |
Arena football is so cool!
April Fool's!!
German Soccer:
Evil & On Drugs
Word has been leaked that the '54 World Cup winners, West Germany, were high on drugs! After the match, in which they beat Hungary 3-2, they were jonesing for munchies so bad that they invited male guests back to their houses, cooked their penises and then ate the rest of em.
They found a Starbucks coffee cup on Mars!!
April Fool's!!
They found a Starbucks coffee cup on Mars!!
April Fool's!!
Pop Goes the Popbitch
 There's a party in my mouth... |
- Ever wanted to see The Exorcist starring cartoon bunnies, in only 30 seconds? Thought so.
- Can anyone be GAYER than these peeps?
- Is this guy a wanker or what?
- Want to buy that thing glowing thing in the dude's mouth? Click here if you dare.
- I've always wanted to visit Chernobyl. Not for their kick-ass beaches and Tetris tournaments, but just to see a real ghost town. This motorcycling chick did all the work for me.
I love George Clooney & Julia Roberts!!
April Fool's
Lots of Matzah Bitz
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- Simpsons voice actors want more dough for their dohs!. They do deserve to make more money than Ray Romano, but the show should stop before the (nia) peoples start shouting "Boo-urns."
- Tom Arnold, Laura Dern, and Maggie Gyenhwehwqerhhal are all signed up for a movie called Happy Endings. Hopefully it's all about massages and getting hand jobs at the end. It's directed by Don Roos who has no relation to the (kanga) Roos Shoes fortune.
- A stray Chinese monkey destroys a Chinese woman's flat-screen TV. Now she wants the Chinese government to pay for it. She must not have heeded the message in her fortune cookie: "Beware of random acts of violence by hairy animals. Lucky number 2, 7, 16, 27, 90210"
- Lesson #18,213,123: never enter a chat room with the title "rape fantasy." Why? Well, you could end up having your testicles attacked. Meet Michael Todd Howard. He's a sick dumb ass. Mr. Todd set up a "rape fantasy" encounter with a willing female online and then when he showed up to get his rocks off, he broke into the wrong person's apartment! Dude, take some time away from yer dirty chat rooms and use this thing called Mapquest.
I love romantic comedies!!
April Fool's!!
Dpril Aools Fay
Its too early in the morning to come up with something clever, so instead, check out Da Museum of Hoaxes, which has sum nifty stuff on the origin of April Fool's Day and the Top 100 AFD Hoaxes of All Time!!
I love tunafish!!!
April Fools!!
I love tunafish!!!
April Fools!!
Baseball & Rolling Stone: Boo
This is one of the stooopidiest articles I have ever seen: 50 Baseball Moments That Rock. I think they ran out of ideas after #4.
Other People's Newz
Accordin' to Productshop EN-WHY-SEA, BECK may be this year's sir prize guest at Coachella. YES!!! Maybe after 5 shows, I'll finally get to hear "Deadweight."
In more other people's newz, Uncle Grambo aka Mr. Whatevs Dot Org sat down for rare interview with Mike Wallace. Link stolen for Swiss Miss Mod, Lindsay and her mad isms, & o'corpse, the man himself, Doc Grambo.
In more other people's newz, Uncle Grambo aka Mr. Whatevs Dot Org sat down for rare interview with Mike Wallace. Link stolen for Swiss Miss Mod, Lindsay and her mad isms, & o'corpse, the man himself, Doc Grambo.
PerGooglePlexed
If you ever 4get how to get back to this site, all ya gotta do is type "dean stockwell drunk" into Google and I'm the 5th link down!!
