Wednesday, March 31

Coach K Hates Mustard
But Loves The Purple Stuff 


Fark some more?

What Got Stern In Hot Air 

Click Me!

Qwikie Biznitz 


Janet's Boobie: The Modern Age's Pandora's Box
- Michael Jackson wants to hold an AIDS benefit concert in Africa. Here are the reasons why:

1) So he can run away from the judicial system and never come back like Roman Polanski.
2) Africa is the only continent MJ hasn't touched a child from.
3) Bubbles misses his family.
4) It's the only place he can repair that oxygen chamber.
5) It's his favorite Toto song.

- In more Jackson hell, Janet's boob has ruined everything. A Nashville bar has covered up the nipples & boxes on photos of 19th-century Victorian women that adorn their menu. Eeesh. Will cream-filled donuts be outlawed next?

- The 77th edition of the Oscars, for the second straight year, will be held before the month o' March. Nominations will be announced January 25th, 2005 and the show will be February 27, 2005. With no Lord of the Bling on next year's docket, the winners will be less predictable. And thank Gad Renee Smellwager already got her gold man, cause I doubt that she and her dimples will win again. Note to the Academy: get rid of the Best Animated Feature category and replace it with Best CGI Character. Gollum was robbed.

VVIP 


Today a Vintage Vantage model. Tomorrow a Playboy Playmate.
Dem wacky shirt sellin' hipsters over at Vintage Vantage have opened up a new special section on their site called VVIP. It contains all sorts of goodies like advice, recipes, a quiz, and even more hipster pictures! Buy shirts from these people. They rock and the even make da news.

Schwinn Bikes Cool Again? 


Look out you BMX Bandits cause today's kids will soon be putting neon lights, hydrolics, and the internet all up in dis shit.

Walk This Way 

From my palszzzz over at NYC.gov:

Friday, April 2 Is National Walk to Work Day

The Department of Transportation is urging all New Yorkers to walk to work on Friday, April 2 as part of the first-ever "National Walk to Work Day." At 7:30 a.m. on Friday, walkers are encouraged to meet at Brooklyn Borough Hall and then walk across the Brooklyn Bridge to Manhattan's City Hall Park. There will be free foot screenings, foot-care giveaways and a presentation of the Best Walking City Award to New York City. If one cannot walk to work, DOT is encouraging everyone to walk to the subway or take a walk during lunch-time or a coffee break.


Are you f-in kidding me? What do I get out of this? I can lose weight by eating bacon for crying out loud. What about Skip Out of Work Day? Or as Ali G would say, Free Bitchez Day!

The New Batmobile Revealed! 


What the fark is this? Supposedly this is the new batmobile for Christopher Nolan (Memento)'s Batman Begins, which opens in 2005. What does Batman do in this thing? Compete in monster truck rallies? Thanks to Pax-man for the pix.

Morrissey Tickets On Sale Saturday 


Click me for tickets.
Lets hope he didn't use that gun to murder MEAT!

What A Way To Start Your Day 



Is this the breast or wurst thing this guy could do for publicity?
Thanks to Wannamaker for the pic & scoop.

Gag Me With A Spoon 


I'd rather watch a scoreless contest between
the Devil Rays and the Marlins, then this.

To Hell With Jack Black The Actor, Bring on Jack White!! 

Imagine Waking Life, with Peter Venkman, but boring and in B&W.
First he dazzled audiences and the heart of that big cheeked hillbilly Ruby in Cold Mountain, and now Jack White, with sister in tow, is ready for his next close-up: Jim Jarmusch's new flick Coffee and Cigarettes. It's basically looks like Waking Life without the cool cartoons, but the casting is more eggggsalad. Cate Blanchett? Iggy Pop? Steven Wright? Bill Murray? Alfred Molina? the RZA AND the GZA? You gotz to be kidding me.

Super Qwik Bitz 

- Here's a new approach to get people to vote: bribe them with free beer!

- Time to play superfun awesome math game:

Q - If the US government raises $74 million to help ill nuclear weapons plant workers and they only issue one check for $15K, how stoopid is our President?

A: Very.

Tuesday, March 30

Dim Sums 

Bush to Eat Rice and Oats. Wait, scratch that. Bush to Let Rice Testify Under Oath. Somewhere Wilford Brimley is crying over this misprint.


Famous Carltons for $200, Alex 



If 2 became 1 (as prophesied by the Spice Girls),
then we'd have Steve Carlton Fisk.

Tahoe Rocks! 

After some skiing and checking out a Prince concert, Sir Paul McCartney put down his fork to rock out for 70 lucky Tahoe restaurant patrons. Sorta like Hedwig's tour of America's salad bars, Macca is following this show up with appearances at an Outback Steakhouse, a Dairy Queen, and of course, an Olive Garden.

Play With Paper 

Wanna learn how to make Godzilla origami style? Click here.

Creative Casting 


Fighter Hayabusa aint
got nuttin on ya King!
- Peter Jackson has tapped Jack Black to co-star alongside Naomi Hotts in his remake of King Kong. Anything with "ong" is so cool: Mahjong, Long Duck Dong, Pong, Donkey Kong, and King Corn Karn (no "ong", but close enuff) from Nintendo's Pro Wrestling.

- While on the telly-side of things, Simpsons mastermind Matt Groening will finally make an appearance on his own show, during the April 4th episode. But why now? The series has hit the wall. Its like reading those last few years of Gary Larson's The Far Side, where there were more smiles than laughs. Danny Boy, a friend of mine, sez they should have one final season where all the past writers get one episode a piece to pen. Conan, we need you, in this, our darkest hour!!

Free Tickets To Stuff 

Live in Atlanta, Chicago, Detroit, Los Angeles, or NY and want to see Kate Beckinhottie in tight Romanian leather? Click on me for free movie tickets!!

And to all the cool kids from NYC, Click on me for mo free movie tickets and click on me for free tickets to see those weird Frenchsters in Cirque du Soleil's latest.

Dance Baby, Dance!! 


Jump On the
Bandwagon Boy 

Want some insight into the Final Four? Czech out Bandwagon Boy's Awesome Super Top Secret Underdog Cindrella Sleeper Upsett Suprise Shocker Ironcladd Lock Picks that are NEVER wrong. Personally I'm hoping for an all ACC final. And if Duke triumphs over GTech, I'll take my huge pile of cash and buy everyone some Fruit Stripe Gum.

What's It All About? 

If only every "i" could be dotted
with Michael Caine's head.
Sick of seeing Michael Caine in crap like Secondhand Lions and Miss Congeniality? Then I recommend that you give his breakthrough film Alfie a whirl. I mean, it was nominated for 5 Academy Awards, including Breast Actor and Breast Film! Mike Caine plays a womanizing, cockney, man-whore named Alfie, who loves to love em and leave em. He bangs everyone in this movie (don't get yer penis up just yet, there aint no nudity): married biznicthes, young hiz-hoes, old bags, and even Paul McCartney's ex-fiancee, Jane Asher. No wonder he was cast as Austin Powers' randy daddy in the third installment. Duh! And you gots to see this flick before the fall movie season when the remake, with a new fancy title, is released: What's It All About, Alfie? Slipping into Alfie's shoes this go around will be none other than dreamboat captain Jude "Ty" Law. He is a perfect choice for this remake and I see no reason why it can't be as good as the original. I give the original movie 3 1/2 shags.

Phone (b)Ills 

Here's another reason to not have children.

Old British Bloke Croaks 

Alistair Cooke, host of such boring shows as Masterpiece Theater, died at the ripe old age of 95. He was born Alfred Cooke, but changed his name to Alistair so that all the chicks would think he was highly educmacated.

Office Space on Broadway? 

 
Quiet please.
Gareth Keenan invetigates
Comedy wunderkind, Ricky Gervais is itching to bring the best TV series ever, The Office, to Broadway. If this happens, I'll shell out the 60 bones per ticket, but Nathan Lane and Antonio Banderas better not be playing David and Gareth. Scoop robbed from whatevs dot org.

Monday, March 29

John Wayne Bobbit's
Cambodian Cousin 

If you don't happen to have a chicken or a duck to offer angry spirits in your dreams, whatever you do, DON'T CUT OFF YOUR PENIS instead!! I mean, if he hooked up with German cannibalist dude, he could have at least had a taste of it! Thanks to my man Marvkus for this sausage link.

The Chad Has Spoken 

I can't stand baseball and I am most certainly aint waking up @ 5 AM tomorrow morning to watch the (boo) Yankees play a team that calls Tropicana Field home. YUCK! Anywho, my man Norman Chad puts his two cents in on this whole opening day in Japan garbage.

Although he is a gifted writer, the best parts of his articles are always the "Ask The Slouch" section at the bottom. People submit questions to him and if he chooses yours, he'll send you a check for $1.25. I sent him a query and this was his response (via email):

Me: Are you The Captain of Captain & Tennille fame. If so, do you still play the recorder?

The Slouch: No $1.25 here, but your e-mail brought a smile to my face on an otherwise dreary weekend.


From The Shop To The Streets 

The blogmeister with all that good info, Jason G of Productshop NYC, got em himself an article published in the New York Times. Hooray!! Read it here folks. I'm still waiting to hear back from Mad Magazine about doing some Fold-Ins work.

Qwik Bitz 

- While taking a break from inventing solar-powered flash lights and ice cube warmers, a Polish costal town is seriously thinking about enlarging the breasts of their belovededed mermaid statue. I hear that Ustka, Poland is sister cities with the other Mecca of boob enhancement, Los Angeles.

- The Christ does it again!!! Last week, after catching Mel Gibson's latest musical, a Texan man confessed to a murder, and this week a Norwegian neo-Nazi has confessed to two unsolved bombings from the early 90s. I wonder if GW Bush saw it yet. He'd come out of the theaters and confess to the world that he doesn't know what he's doing, let alone remember which movie he just saw.

- Dying to know more about the Zodiac Killer?

- Bored at work and have a lot of free time? Of course you do. Why else would you be on my site? Click me (speakers required)! Link provided by the Zack Attack.

Lollapaloozer Update 

According to Billboard, this year's Lollapalooza will be a two day affair with Morrissey, Flaming Lips, Sonic Youth and String Cheese Incident as the confirmed acts. They're also working on getting Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Le Tigre and the Fire Theft added to the bill. That's actually not too shabby considering last year's broke-ass line-up of Audioslave, Incubus, and the Donnas. Who are the Donnas? Exactly...

Bad Trend Continues
Famous People Dying 

Legendary actor Sir Peter Ustinov is dead at 82. He was nominated for 4 Academy Awards, and took home two Oscars for supporting work in Topkapi and Spartacus. I remember him best for his amazing voice work as Prince John in the greatestistist Disney cartoon ever, Robin Hood. You will be missed big guy.

Hiss: Sire, they may be bandits!
Prince John: Oh poppycock. Female bandits?

An Email From Jasober Iixqgalij 

Some people hate spam. I embrace it!! But I don't understand much of what this guy is trying to sell me. Maybe they should offer college courses in SPAM as well as Ebonics.

Hornny latina babez hungry for cocck.

"Daisy is a girl who definitely knows how to take care of her body. That guy was all into eating her juicy puzzy, since she took cared of it. By then she took the cocck
deep in her snatch in 1 stroke. And She has full lips to succk big dickz."

Continue here:
http://complained.hate.delightful.madorka.net/hornyspanishflies/index.html

angel her concluded wig perceive carriage cartvhorse ajar let root considered pushed rabbitvholevand unfolded frogvfootman dreamt tantavravra isvoh

hang clean fierce burning mayor http://www.beamscolours.com/stall/index.html our corporation certainly countries flying fainting digging plain either whereas theatre maps verses

uncommonly description facevand ordered corsoe5 dearly pinks employed floated beasts slipper parents looking corsoe calm reside conversed listen

Box Office Bidness
People Have No Taste 


Meet the world's most inept
Kentucky Fried Chicken employees.

1. Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed - $30.7 million - I'll let Ebert do the talking here, "it will certainly be titled in France, Scooby-Doo Deux."

2. The Ladykillers - $13 million - Despite the mixed reviews, nothing was going to stop me from seeing a Coen Brothers' movie... even a remake! In fact, I'll see any movie made by brothers: The Hughes, the Marx, the Polish, the Estevezez, or even the Ringling... if they ever get around to it. Anywho, while the movie is no Lebowski, it's mos def NOT Intolerable Cruelty (or how I felt after seeing that dreck). The laughs are thin, but I muss say I was entertained throughout. Tom Hanks finally took a break from boring weepy flicks and delivered an eggsalad performance as an eccentric Poe-spouting, Kentucky-fried-looking, heist-maestro, Goldthwaite Higginson Dorr III. All the character's names were um-credible. How could "Lump Henderson", "Garth Pancake", and "Weemack Funthes" not raise a smile? But I muss say, the brothers Coen are slipping a bit. Not as much as The Simpsons have, but I'm starting to see a decline.

3. The Passion of the Christ - $12.5 million - Next weekend will be the true test. Moses vs. The Christ. Why shell out 10 clams when you can see a real epic/expensive soap opera, The Ten Commandments, for free next Sunday on ABC. Time to break out your matzah.

4. Dawn of the Dead - $10.3 million - I was never going to see this movie ever until my boy Wannamaker won cash-money in Vega$ and bribed me to tag along. And since he paid, I'll quote em, "If they took the best parts of the original and the best parts of this one, it would make a much better movie." Save yourself the trouble, Netflix 28 Days Later instead.

5. Jersey Girl - $8.3 million - How did this movie make more than 36 cents? I'd rather take shots of Liquid Drano than sit through a Kevin Smith directed romantic comedy starring Ben Affleck.

6. Taking Lives - $6.5 million - Angelina Jolie's lips sicks ships... and apparently movies too!

7. Starsky & Hutch - $6.3 million - According to the latest Thighs Wide Shut poll, people are clamoring for a Riptide movie. Somewhere Perry King and Joe Penny are blowing the dust of their resumes.

8. Hidalgo - $5.43 million - That's pronounced, "hee-daawg-gogh."

9. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - $5.42 million - Best movie out and it'll be gone from theaters in weeks. What's this movie missing? Boobs? A guy riding a horse? A dude with holes in his hands?

10. Secret Window - $5.4 million - Looks like the buying public placed an A/C unit in the Window cause this puppy has cooled down.

I'm Ready to Be
Rocked by LL Again 

The countdown begins. April 30th is the due date for Lindsay Lohan's next joint Mean Girls.

Meow

Sunday, March 28

Many A Qwik Bitz 

 
Cornelius loved the life of the 70s: eazy bitches, the Washington Bullets were good, and he got to see every episode of Maude starring Bea Arthur.
- Two Philadelphia gorillas, Demba and "stud muffin" Chaka, have decided to go their separate ways after five long years. Word on the street sez that the rift in the relationship stemmed over an argument over which was the best Planet of the Apes movie. Demba loved the original, but Chaka was a huge fan of Escape From the Planet of the Apes.

- In more animal kingdom news (cause at Thighs Wide Shut, wees loves the animals), a Vermonster sheep herder may lose his flock of 300 to the state government. You see, the herder is a 63-year old Buddhist who allows 70 of the sheep to live in the house with him. He loves his pals dearly, but can't really afford to take care of them (he owe's his neighbors 15K in hay money), yet he refuses to slaughter them due to his beliefs. What do I have to do in life to own 300 sheep and live in their shit?

- In the WTF dept, some dude envisions some possible rhymes by Ice Cube if he were to be knighted by the Queen. Props to my man Marvkus for the link.

- Looks like Jerry "Disco Briscoe" Orbach will be calling it a day over at the Law & Order set, but may end up in a third spinoff: Law & Order: PMU (Parking Meter Unit). Word on the street sez that Jerry O was so enraged about the awfulnessness that is Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights that he wants to make a proper sequel, Dirty Dancing II: Nobody Makes Baby Do The Electric Slide.
Just like a woman, Dr. Zira
always gots be shoppin'.

- The brains behind the brilliant Hoop Dreams is at it again, but this time it's not basketballs their chasing, it's immigrants. The new series, The New Americans, begins its run on Monday the 29th on PBS. Warning, if you tune your dial to PBS, they may force you to donate money and in return you will receive a fancy tote bag or a VHS boxset of Victor Borge and his piano antics.

- Finally, time to remove AOL instant messenger from your computer if you live Britain, cause Big Brother, aka the British Phonograph Industry (remove the first "h" and add a "r" after the first "o" and it would be a much cooler name), are going to start sending instant messages to people downloading songs illegally. Could you imagine if the US gov-mint sent us instant messages while we were downloading porn? That's worse than a cold shower. Anywho, one of the coolest drummers in the world who wears glasses, Dave Rowntree of Blur, has spoken out about this situation and said the BPI missed the boat years ago.

I'm Turning Into Andy Rooney 

I usually don't like writing about myself. I mean who wants to hear if my poopie was corn filled or if I shaved my balls in the shower, but like my hero Jerri Blank, I've got something to say. I've had it with Washington, DC's nightlife. I'm getting old and I'm slowly becoming a curmudgeon. If I wanted to go bowling in my adopted city of New York I would have to take out a loan from the bank and THEN sell my sperm. Sooos, everythyme I go back to my suburban roots of Merryland, all I want to do is go bowling for peanuts (not actual peanuts, but come to think of it, that's not such a bad idea). I could only convince one out of my 10 zillion friends to join me in a night of foot fungus and bruised wrists. Since we're not gay lovers (although at this point, I'm open to beastility), we opted to meet everyone else downtown in this uber-hip area of DC called Adams Morgan. After looking for a parking space for over an hour in a crappy 4-speed Toyota Tercel, with my pants about to be soaked in the 3 large Mountain Dews I gulped, I finally found a spot. And my reward for all that trouble?
Fuck Dipping Dots. This shit be the real future of ice cream.
Meeting up with my palsz at this dump hole (no, not Veteran's stadium) bar called Millie & Al's. The place was packed to the teeth with polo shirt sportin' WASPy looking fellas and lumpy chicks in tight shirts out on bachelorette parties. After developing a major case of swamp-ass, I decided that I'd had enough. From this day forward, the only time I will ever go to DC at night will be to break into the National Air & Space Museum to feed my freeze-dried ice cream addiction. Bowling forever!!! See you at Lebowski Fest.

Saturday, March 27

Qwik Bitz 

Watching this streaker in a tutu for 5 minutes has got to be more eggciting than the entire 102 minutes of the Robert Altman/Neve Campbell snoozfest about the Joffrey Ballet known as The Company.
- Jan Berry, the "Jan" in the surf-rock duo Jan & Dean, died Friday night at the age of 62. Don't think you know any of Jan & Dean's tunes? Their hit songs were "Little Old Lady of Pasadena" and "Surf City", but you probably thought those were both Beach Boys songs... I did! No word on whether Dean will carry on without Jan or not. If only he could find a "James", a "Jimmy" or a "Stockwell." Then he could lose the "and" become James Dean, Jimmy Dean and the Sausage Experience, or Dean Stockwell & The Furious Five.

- A Shiite (one the funniest words that's not supposed to be) Clergyman has urged all of Kuwait to see Mel Gibson's latest comedy, The Passion of the Christ. The reason? It makes Jews look bad. That Clergyman must be so relieved that the other Mel (Brooks) never released History of the World: Part II cause I don't think he could stomach the whole Jews In Space sequence. Holy shiite!!!

- A streaker snuck onto the ice at the World Figure Skating Championships in Germany right before Olympic bust Michelle Kwan was about skate. Kwan was quoted as saying, "I was stroking around and I saw him. I knew he was a streaker." I don't know if "stroking" is an ice skating term or not, but I think she was kinda hot and bothered by the whole ordeal and was "stroking" her heart shaped box.

- Finally, Disney must really be hurting for a hit. Although they parted ways (not by their choice) with Pixar AniMONEY Studios, they still maintain the rights to Toy Story and are "banking" on making it three times a charm. Once the Mouse House exhausts that franchise, I wouldn't be sir prized if they ask Don Knotts and Tim Conway to saddle up for The Apple Dumpling Gang vs. Predator.

Gwynie Grows Girth 


Gwen's biggest meal of the day consists of air and water.
Gwyneth Palt-ho & Coldplay wuss, Chris Martin (even his name is boring), are expecting a stork delivery this summer. Their child will be born with anorexia. I sure hope they feed him/her. Remember kids, meat isn't murder, it's scrumdeliumptious!! Anywho, although she is actually pregnant, Gwynie still looks like she weighs 64 pounds! Golly gosh, if only she could be my wife and permanently wear dope-ass Lacoste polos, like she did in The Royal Tenenbaums, and cook me bacon for every meal. Hmmmmmmmm... Paltrow.

Friday, March 26

Qwik Bitz 


All three of these actors were blacklisted in Hollywood after the sequel.
- I find it hard to believe that a Hooters restaurant manger would do something so degrading to women like videotaping applicants while they were changing into Hooters uniforms as part of their job interviews. If anyone knows the guy, please tell him to contact me, as I would love put those videos right next to my copy of Citizen Kane.

- McDonald's not only loves to see you smile and make you fat, but they also want to put you in debt. By the year's end, 6,000 of their "restaurants" will be accepting credit and debit cards.

- Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz have called it quits. She decided that she'd rather date birds, since she looks like one, and he would rather date hunky men. Tom, my email is listed on this site. I'd love to see you dance in yer undies at my house.

- A Texas man was so moved after watching The Passion of the Christ that he confessed to murdering a 19-year old. I was so moved after that movie that I took a monster dump and then I went out and killed some Jews.

- Finally, Andrew McCarthy admitted on a 20/20 interview that he was drunk from 1988 through '92. Well then Andy, what's your eggcuse for Weekend At Bernie's II? That movie was released in 1993!!

Spot The Drummer 



Thursday, March 25

Mo Bands for Coachella 

The following bands were added to the Saturday line-up of Coachella:

- Jimmy Eat World (if they were messy, would they be dirty JEWs?)
- Danny Howells (Thurston the III's lovechild)
- The Evens (Fugazi's Ian MacKaye's side project/money maker)
- Boozoo Bajou (Buju Banton's Botswanaian nephew?)
- Supernatural (sorry, couldn't think of anything ironic)

info lifted from Burned by the Heilo.

Ansel Adams Is
Shitting In His Grave 


Super Weird Hippie David Korseh-Messiah-Complex-Like Band Returns!  


Move over Charlie Manson and family, there's a new 1st name in cult rock!

The Polyphonic Spree, you know, that band of 25 angelic-sounding, evangelical-lookin, Jim-Jones-Kool-Aid-drinkin', gospel-rockers, are about to drop album numero dos onto the world. When not brainwashing your family members into moving to Guyana, they also appear in Volkswagen Beetle/iPod commercials singing their hit song, "Light & Day."

World's Biggest Slush Puppie 


Fishy Subject 

I haven't seen this much fish since I worked at that gynecologist office. OUCH!

OK, I lied. I never worked with a gyno, but I was a sandwich artist at Subway... in the days before Atkins and 18 kinds of bread.

Chem Bros Reminder 


Los Chemical Brothers will be DJing at uber-fly Centro Fly this Friday @ 10 PM. There are no advance tickets, but if you print this pass before coming, you can skip the line!

Pornolize a Website 

Go to Poronolize.com, "butt" plug in a web address, and let the fun begin. If you wanna see what my site looks like pornolized, click here. Big up to the Zack Attack for the linkage.

Qwik Bitz 


Ickey Woods & his shuffle wouldn't last one minute in today's NFL.
- The NFL (No Fun League) may assess 15 yard penalties to showboating TD scorers. C'mon Paul Tagla-BOO, it's not football, it's entertainment! LET THEM DANCE!! It's not like they're going to show their nipples or whip out their penis instead of a cell phone or a sharpie pen.

- We've all heard of four-eyed geeks, but whatta bout a four-eared cat? Whoever owns this cat beware, Dean Cain and his Ripley's crew may be heading to your house.

- In more odd animal news, hundreds of Palestinians, who took a break from bombing stuff, flocked to see a lamb with "Allah" written in Arabic on his coat. Advertisers may take note of this and we'll start to see zebras with Foot Locker ads on em.

- Finally, The Sopranos be so broke this year. Every episode now consists of the characters watching 17 minutes of TV. Thanks, but I'd rather watch Curb Your Enthusiasm when I want to, not when Silvio does. First they added Hollywood heavies to the cast to keep it fresh, but now they're bringing washed-up musicians on board as well. Does the world really need to see if Frankie Valli or David Lee Roth have acting chops? Bitty bop boo ba, this show can go on without me...

Slappin' To The Oldies 


Richard has never looked so uncomfortable.
The next time you see Richard Simmons walking around in an airport, it's probably not a good idea to approach him and say something like, "Hey everybody. It's Richard Simmons. Let's drop our bags and rock to the '50s," cause he'll bitch slap you.

Wednesday, March 24

You're So Vain 

This girl really likes herself an awful lot.

Google Gaga 

If you type my name into images.google.com, you won't find a picture of me, but something more scrumptious instead.

Playing With Jack White's Ball 

Don't know if ya heard, but candy striper, Jack White, performed "Ball and Biscuit" with fossil Bob Dylan at the Detroit State Theater last week and it now can be downloaded here. It's not as cool as you think, but then again nothing can top the Flaming Lips high-octane rendition of "Seven Nation Army" at last year's T in The Park fest in Scotlando.

Mums These Words 

A group of yahoos calling demselves The Plain English Campaign have complied a list of the most annoying cliches in the world. But wtf is a "diamond geezer"? Anywho, at the end of the day, "At the end of the day" was voted the most irritating phrase in the English language.

Their list kinda sucks, so here's my list of irritating words & phrases:
- bling-bling
- metrosexual
- weapons of mass destruction
- show me the money! (an oldie, but still awful)
- Queer Eye for anything
- Skinamax
- 311
- low-carb
- Directed by Gus Van Sant
- You're fired!
- Duke basketball
- George W Bush, President
- Welcome to Mooseport
- anything Rosie O'Donnell says

And here's a list of words & phrases that should be used more often:
- bizatch
- You're the man now dog!
- grundle
- Doesn't it smell like upyo in here?
- Betamax
- swamp ass
- Rip Torn
- diorama
- Boo-urns
- Lando system or Tashi Station
- the runs

Power Players To Raid Jeopardy 


"I'll take famous people who wear bow ties for $200, Alex"
This best game show ever, Jeopardy, has decided to line-up smart people for their celebrity edition instead of dumb actors and coked-out directors, like Oliver Stone. I can't wait for bow tie-wearing jackass Tucker Carlson to butt heads against uber-hottie Maria Bartiromo.

Benny & The Jets 

 
Kevin and Winnie are so jazzed about the Jets new move. BTW, where's Paul?
Looks like the NY Jets may actually play in NY sooner than you think! So see you later Jimmy Hoffa and the Ghettolands!!! This is the most eggciting ever to happen to the Jetsies since Rich Kotite got canned, or even more recently when Joe Namath tried to get it on with ESPN's Suzy Kolber. "I want to kiss you" never sounded more dirrrrrrrrty.

Tuesday, March 23

Qwik Bits Part Dos 

 
In his will Bill left a lifetime of Cliff Notes to be purchased for all the world's High School students.
- A Brazilian pastor croaked while watching The Passion of the Christ. I bee leave this is the second person to perish while watching this movie. That must be some kinda record, but then again, we don't now how many people died watching the poopfest known as Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

- Famous British blokes and dames' last wills and testicles are going to be available online. We can now learn what Will Shakespeare left for all of his bitches and who Lord Horatio Nelson left his Horatio Hornblower DVD box for.

- Get this, Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon have been cast to play Johnny Cash and his wife June Carter Cash in an upcoming biopic. I can't wait to see the trailer so I can laugh my ass off. I'm sir prized that Mr. Witherspoon, Ryan Phillipppiippepeellippee, wasn't ask to play the Man in Black. Maybe he's too busy filming the sequel to AntiTrust.

Ricky G on Letterman
Tomorrow Nite 

Set yer TiVos cause The Office mastermind Ricky Gervais will be appearing on Wednesday, March 24's edition of the Late Show with David Letterman.

Qwik Bitz 

- Scotland must be desperate for tourists cause some guy with a lot of time on his hands (and probably dollar signs in his eyes) has traced Elvis Presley's roots all the way back to the Scottish village of Lonmay. I wonder if the local restaurants will offer a peanut butter, bacon, banana, and haggis sandwich.

- A five-year old was caught bringing pot to his school. He thought it was oregano and was going to sprinkle it on a friend's lasagna. Can you imagine a kindergartener high? He'd be a perfect angel at nap time, but a devil at snack time! In the same article, a 4-year old brought crack-cocaine in for Show & Tell, thinking it was flour. C'mon, who bee leaves for a second that anyone would bring in flour for Show & Tell?

- Finally, Roman Polanski has decided on his follow up to The Pianist: Oliver Twist. Hey Roman, the movie is filled with little boys, not girls. Good luck trying to drug them with pills and champagne, and then getting yer jollies on with them in a hot tub.

Free NYC Moovie Screening 

Wanna see Hellboy for free? Look under the VOICE Giveaways section on the lefthand side.

MPAA Chief and Chief Jackass
Jack Valenti to Resign 

Nobody likes Jack Valenti, except for maybe Momma Valenti. He's the pimp behind the wheels over at the Motion Picture Association of America. Word on the streets is that he may step down in a few months. That would be the best news in Crappywood since Ben Affleck swore off action movies. Jacky Val sure loves violence and for some reason, hates seeing people naked. Him and his pals have no problem giving a horrifically violent movie like The Passion of The Christ an R rating, but if a movie contains some good ole cock or vagina, they'll make the filmmakers cut it out of the movie or slap an NC-17 rating on, which = box office poison. This is f-in ridiculous. Why should we be sheltering under 18-year olds from sexual organs, which they will eventually see in their lives, when we should be keeping them from violence. I'd much rather have a kid interested in licking some nipples (male or female) than wanting to own a rocket launcher so they can destroy cars and shit.

The Hitler Channel
Adds 6 New Shows 

One of my favorite cable networks, The History Channel AKA The Hitler Channel, is going to unleash 6 new hot shows onto the world. They include: Queer Eye for The Hitler Youth, Goebbels Goofball Variety Hour, Battle of the Network Stars: Third Reich Edition, Jewish Conspiracies hosted by Mel & Hutton Gibson, Mein Kampf: The Musical, and even a game show, Tic Tac Swastika. YIKES!!!

Sweet 16 Candles 

Since the best team in the world, the Garyland Terps, are out of the NCAA tourney, I now have to root for improbable matchups. Who's with me on a Nevada vs. Vanderbilt championship? That would be the lowest rated sporting event on television since the woman's curling finals at the Salt Lake games in 2000. Anywho, my main man Norman Chad tries to figure out how 49.4 seconds in a college basketball game can last 18 minutes.

Monday, March 22

Two Movie Reviews
4 The Price of One 

So this past tweakend I paid for one movie and snuck into another one. Cause stealing money from Hollywood these dayz is all the rage. The first flick is a muss C and the other is one that you can leave the theater if you muss P.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Since I'm no Dostoevsky, here are some simple sentences about the best movie so far of 2003. Kirsten Dunst gets high and dances in her undies! Conjured up from the genius mind of writer Charlie Cough-man (Adaptation & Being John Malkovich). Mark Ruffalo's hair ROCKS! This is Jim Carrey's best movie ever. As visually stunning and surreal as director Michel Gondry's music videos ("Hardest Button to Button" by the White Stripes & "Human Behavior" by Bjork). Kate Winslet looks great in orange AND blue! Elijah Wood falls for a girl and NOT another male hobbit. Did I mention that Kirsten Dunst gets high and dances in her undies? I won't spoil the plot, but it's like watching a 2 hour version of Marty McFly's Polaroid picture of him and his siblings disappearing. There are only two bad things about this movie. One is that I have to see it again and the other is that the ELO song "Mr. Blue Sky" does not make an appearance in the actual film, but only in the trailer. If yer jonesing for it, check it out in this amazing Volkswagen Beetle commercial from a few years back. Anywho, go see ESOTSM. I guarantee it'll be better than any Mandy Moore or Hillary Duff (but not Lindsay Lohan) movie ever.

Intermission

Take every hip actor from Ireland & Scotland, mix in a mediocre script, film in a NYPD Blue herky-jerky camera style, and Intermission is what you'll end up with. It's like a Robert Altman movie with thick accents and more drinking. Sure, we finally get to see Colin Farrell in his native tongue, but there's nothing really here folks. I had more fun playing the IMDB game in the theater. The whole time I kept pointing to the screen saying, "Wow, that's Diane from Trainspotting. She was so mad hot when she was like 16!" or "Hey, does Moaning Myrtle from Harry Potter have a mustache in real life?" If you want to watch a good Irish movie, grab a Guinness and Netflix The Commitments instead.

One Man's Trash... 

...is another man's treasure. Ever wonder what happened to that Bart Simpson "Don't Have A Cow Man" t-shirt your mom donated to charity? There's this documentary called T-Shirt Travels that tracks your castoff clothes from the grand ole US all the way to sunny Zambia.

Blurred For Life 

Superfly music virtuoso, Damon Albarn, turns 36 today. All hail the man who brought the world WOOOOO-WHOOO, The Gorillaz, and a reason to hate Oasis.

Special Hellboy Screenings in LA/NYC! 

This Friday, March 26, 2004 there will be two Special Engagement Screenings of Hellboy at Loews E-Walk in New York and at Loews Universal Citywalk in Los Angeles. There will be special guest appearances at both screenings, so buy your tickets in advance before they sell out!

Loews E-Walk
247 W. 42nd St - New York, NY 10036
March 26, 2004 at 7:30 PM
Special Appearances: Arrive early and meet
Guillermo Del Toro, director of Hellboy and Mike
Mignola, creator of the acclaimed comic book.

Loews Universal Citywalk Cinemas
100 Universal City Plaza - Universal City, CA 91608
March 26, 2004 at 7:30 PM
Special Appearances: Arrive early and meet the
stars of Hellboy, Ron Perlman and Selma Blair!

Zombies, More Popular
Than The Christ 

1. Dawn of the Dead - $27.3 million - Horror movies are so unoriginal now that they have to rehash old ones. I expect this trend to continue, but the remakes will be of more current movies. Ready for the Gus Van Sant shot for shot remake of Cabin Fever? I'm done with this crap. We need a new genre with a similar name: Whore Movies.

2. The Passion of the Christ - $19.1 million - I'm already counting down the days for Mel's Chanukah: the Festival of Lights flick. Now we can finally learn the origin of potato latkes!

3. Taking Lives - $11.4 million - More like taking people's money or wasting it. Any movie with Olivier Martinez is not worth watching.

4. Starsky & Hutch - $10.6 million - If Kevin Smith is the Orson Welles of crap, then director Todd Phillips is Stanley Kubrick.

5. Secret Window $9.6 million - Just cause Stephen King wrote it, doesn't mean it has to be turned into a film.

6. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - $8.56 million - Go see this movie. Go see this movie now. Go see this movie now and again. To be reviewed later today.

7. Hidalgo - $8.5 million - C. Thomas Howell's triumphant return to the silver screen... for all of 2 minutes.

8. Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London - $6 million - How do you eggspect to fill seats if you don't put Hillary Duff in the sequel?

9. 50 First Dates - $4.3 million - First 8 Crazy Nights, now this. What's next, a Turk 182 remake?

10. Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen - $1.5 million - LOTR: ROTK has been completely knocked off of the top ten by COATDQ. You go LL and abbrvs!!

Wanna Pee Into A Girl's Mouth? 

Virgin Atlantic Airways (the only way to fly to England) wanted to install bright-red urinals at JFK airport that were shaped like a woman's open mouth, but the plans were scrapped. Damn the National Organization of Women!! Not like they were going to be the ones using the urinals anywayzzzzz!!! Maybe to be fair, they should have toilets shaped like a man's mouth...

Soul To My (Mouth) Hole 

I thought Popeye's had the most bomb-ass fried chicken & sides ever until I went to this fantastic soul-food place called Miss Mamie's Spoonbread Too on W110th St & Columbus. Their mac & cheese and candied yams are the bees knees yo! I didn't try the ribs, but I bet dem be amazing too. And don't be scared cause the street # is above 100. I'll go with you and hold your hand... and eat the crust off of yer chicken breast. They also have a sister restaurant on Lenox Ave in Harlem called Miss Maude's Spoonbread Too.

Sunday, March 21

Bye, Bye Dump Hole 


The Philly Fanatic & others stand and watch as the worst
stadium ever, Veterans Stadium, is demolished for all eternity

BOOOOOOO EAGLES (the team and the band)!!!


Saturday, March 20

Two Links
(Carnie Wilson's 3rd Breakfast) 

This lil blooper video has been goin' round for a year or so, but worth a 2nd peepage.

Also, if you want to see a picture of how that douche bag Hayden "The Passion of The" Christensen will be transformed into James Earl Jones, click here.

Both links were stolen from Carnie's plate and LOFI.

Getting Bucked Up On
The Simple Life 2 

We've all seen Ms. Hilton handle a cock in the dark, but apparently she can't handle a horse in the daylight. I can't f-in wait for the The Simple Life 2. It's gonna rock so hard (no pun intended). I haven't been this eggcited for anything since they released the new series of Garbage Pail Kids cards.

Another Stoopid Asian Commercial
+ Carnie Wilson 

This one doesn't star Ah-nald, but it has some strange animals. Thanks to the Zack Attack for the link.

Ever wonder what happened to that fat chick in Wilson Phillips with the mole and a ham addiction? I know you don't care, but Carnie Wilson has a brand spankin new website. Isn't it ironic that the former elephant's name is Carnie... as in carnivore? MEEAT!! And peeps this peeps, Wilson Phillips is coming out with a NEW ALBUM this May!! Cause if you hold on for one more day, things will go your way!

Friday, March 19

Qwik Bitz 

- Tammy Faye announces that she has inoperable cancer. Will Vanilla Ice and the rest of her Surreal Life housemates be there for support?

- Child pornography charges against Pee-Wee Herman were dropped. Now he can stop wasting money on lawyers and finally spend it at Mario's Magic Shop or Chuck's Bike-O-Rama.

- The worst restaurant ever, Red Lobster, is going to cut-back on their all-you-can-eat promotions cause the patrons are literally eating their profits. I will never eat Shit Lobster or Long John Silver's. There's just something about fish and fast food that doesn't sit well with me. Sort of like Re-puke-le-cans and the White House.

I Love Spam & Africa!! 

The following is a slice of spam that I've been getting for months. Mr. Kouma's approach is all wrong. First of all, I don't have the attention span to read his entire email... unless there were links for porn. Secondly, I don't believe for a second that they have planes or banks in Africa. Thirdly, who the fuck would ever fall for this scam? Probably the same people who think forwarding an email to everyone they know will result in Bill Gates sending them a huge check. Oh boy. Anywho, I know it's TOP SECRET, but for yer enjoyment (or mine), here's the kind email Mr. Kouma sent:

FROM:FASO KOUMA
AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING UNIT.
INTERNATIONAL BANK OF AFRICA (IBA),
BURKINA FASO.

Dear friend,
(TOP SECRET)
I am Mr FASO KOUMA.The director in charge of auditing and accounting section of International Bank Of Africa(IBA)BURKINA FASO in West Africa with due respect and regards. I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction. During our investigation and auditing in this bank, my department came across a very huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person who died on 31st October 1999 in a plane crash and the fund has been dormant in his account with this Bank without any claim of the fund in our custody either from his family or relation before our discovery to this development.

Although personally, I keep this information secret within myself and partners to enable the whole plans and idea be Profitable and successful during the time of execution. The said amount was U.S $7.2M (seven million two hundred United States dollars). As it may interest you to know, I got your impressive information through the BURKINA FASO chamber of commerce on foreign business relations here in BURKINA FASO.

Meanwhile all the whole arrangement to put claim over this fund as the bonafide next of kin to the deceased, get the required approval and transfer this money to a foreign account has been put in place and directives and needed information will be relayed to you as soon as you indicate your interest and willingness to assist us and also benefit your self to this great business opportunity. In fact I could have done this deal alone but because of my position in this country as a civil servant(A Banker),we are not allowed to operate a foreign account and would eventually raise an eye brow on my side during the time of transfer because I work in this bank.

This is the actual reason why it will require a second party or fellow who will forward claims as the next of kin with affidavit of trust of oath to the Bank and also present a foreign account where he will need the money to be re-transferred into on his request as it may be after due verification and clarification by the correspondent branch of the bank where the whole money will be remitted from to your own designation bank account.

I will not fail to inform you that this transaction is 100% risk free. On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 30% of the total sum as gratification, while 5% will be set aside to take care of expenses that may arise during the time of transfer and also telephone bills, while 65% will be for me. Please, you have been adviced to keep "top secret" as I am still in service and intend to retire from service after we conclude this deal with you.

I will be monitoring the whole situation here in this bank until you confirm the money in your account and ask me to come down to your country for subsequent sharing of the fund according to percentages previously indicated and further investment, either in your country or any country you advice us to invest in. All other necessary vital information will be sent to you when I hear from you.

I look forward to receive your email,
Phone 00 226 62 04 79
Yours faithfully,

MR FASO KOUMA

The Gov Sells Out 

Did you know that The Running Man was Lost In Translation? You may have seen this before, but it's always worth a second look. Link provided by TSpliff.

Everyone's Favorite Game 

Spot the Drummer

Awful Photoshop Work 

Click me for images of celebs that will stop you from masturbating about them ever again. Big ups to Flowers~ for the linkage!

"You're Fired" To Be Trademarked 

The Donald sure likes to protect his interests and his hair. Turns out our good pals at le Smoking Gun have dug up the actual trademark application he filed for the phrase "You're Fired." As reported earlier, a t-shirt with that same very phrase that pays is quite the hot item. Enuff of this The Donald crap. When are we going to see more of his daughter, The Ivanka? One day The Donald will be handing her off to me and changing his tune to "You're Married."

Thursday, March 18

The OG of Myth Bustin' 

I'm a huge fan of those two wack jobs on the Discovery Channel's Myth Busters, but the original gangster of busting myths is none other than Mr. Mustache, John Stossel. He may not be a household name juss yet, but when Babs Walters retires later this year, 20/20 will be his gig. His main shtick are those "Give Me a Break" (no relation to the hit Nell Carter sitcom) segments that make him look like the heir to the Andy Rooney throne of curmudgeons. But lately the Stosselmiester has been doing these very interesting pieces on debunking Myths, Lies, and Downright Stupidity. His latest opus will air on Monday, March 22 at 10 pm ET. Set yer TiVos.

Triple J - Dead at 62 

JJ Johnson (no relation to Daily Bugle editor JJ Jameson) is dead at 62 of an apparent heart attack. You may remember him as one of the first VJs on MTV (you know, that network that used to play videos). In a preemptive move, I think we should freeze Martha Quinn for future generations.

Trash Bins - The Next W Hotels 

Get this, a man, who was sleeping in a trash bin, was almost crushed to death when the trashmen came to collect the garbage.

Good thing this didn't happen to our hero Bastian from The Neverending Story when the three bullies dumped him into a trash can. But then again, the dude above didn't have a great pal like Falcor.

Link lifted from Fark.

Less Lies, More Fries 

Thighs Wide Shut hates liars. Donny Rum"punch"sfeld is no eggception. Click on me for lies. Lettuce get these yahoos out of office in November!!

Link courtesy of Chillary G

Go Terps!!!!!! 


Qwik Movie Bitz 

- Senor Spielbergo and Tom Cruise are gonna butt heads again for a War of the Worlds remake. Why not skip this project and work on something we'd rather see like Indiana Jones 4 or another sequel, say Schindler's Bitchez?

- The voice behind Linda Blair's pea-soup-spitting child from The Exorcist has died at age 87.

- Donnie Darko to don the Green Hornet costume for "director" Kevin Smith? And who is gonna get to play asian sidekick Kato, George Carlin?

Celebs Are Juss Like You & Me! 

Turn on yer speakers for some famous people, including the Bend It Like Beckham girl, cussing.

Link lifted from our pals at Popbitch.

Jason Biggs, A Good Actor? 

I didn't think any of these two things below were humanly possible, but they are:
1) Jason Biggs can act!
2) Woody Allen made a good movie in the 00's!
The proof can be found in the Woodman's latest comedy, Anything Else, now out on DVD, VHS, Betamax, Laserdisc, and bootlegs on every street corner. This is the best Woody flick since Sweet and Lowdown. Jason Biggs plays, guess what, a Woody Allenesque writer who fears death and being alone. He befriends another neurotic writer, played to perfection by the Woodman, and the two try to solve all of Biggs' problems... mainly the love of his life, Christina Ricci. Boy do I love Wednesday Addams. I mean, who wouldn't? Me love her five-head, dem bright eyes and those other things she has that come in a pair! My oh my! Jimmy Fallon was also in this movie, but he sucked more than watching golf on TV. They gave him like 2 lines in the movie, which was almost too much. And he committed a huge no-no... HE LOOKED DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA!!! Jimmy, you stink. Yer only on SNL cause the girls think yer fly. Stop laughing at the jokes and looking at the camera. That's what the mirror in your bathroom is for. EEEEEEEsh. But despite Mr. Fallon's brief appearance the movie, if you love the Woodman, check out this movie as it's a refreshing change from his last three "films", Hollywood Sucking, Curse of the Jade Sucking, and Small Time Suckers.

Wednesday, March 17

Chemical Brothers
@ Centro-Fly Next Friday 

In a rare NYC appearance, the Chemical Brothers will be laying down their block rockin'-ass beats next Friday, March 26th @ good ole Centro-Fly. You can enter to win tickets to the show and other fab shwag here. Wish I could go, but I'll be homeward bound eating ma's flank steak and fresh-cut french fries.

Touch My Eyebrows Pt II 

I was juss walking home from work (yes I actually do work), and Wings "star" Steven Weber walked right past me! God am I a lucky dog!!! But how come a big "star" like him is walking around the streets when the weather is so darn shitty? Maybe things haven't quite taken off for him ever since he "starred" in that AWFUL TV version of The Shining. Anywho, where do I have to live so I can bump into his Wings co-"star" Crystal Bernard? She's yum, like Häagen-Dazs.

Touch My Eyebrows 

I just "won" these ultra-fly Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom 7-Up glasses off of eBay. My childhood is now complete.


Oh No, Not Another Mel Posting 

Mel made some serious bank with The Christ. Next up on his list may be the story of Chanukah!?!??!?! WTF Mel??? Maybe after that he'll turn the Koran into a hit movie. Or what about Kwanza? There's a story that must be told!!

Link stolen from our dear friends at Productshop NYC.

City of Brotherly Love?
Get Real 

The next season of MTV's The Real World was set to begin taping in Philly in about three weeks. Well, that shit aint happening no mo. I think the real reason that they are pulling out is cause this season, in San Diego, blows goats. The cast is so f-in boring. The most eggciting thing on every show are the credits. Frankie may be scared of big boats and water, but I'm scared to death of her and her nastiness. YUCK! PLEASE Bring back CT!

Taking the Boo out of Naboo 

Can the Whale Rider save the Star Wars franchise? If only they brought back Keira Knightley to reprise her Episode I role of Sabé and have her fall in love with Natalie Portman.

Paging Dr. Scholl 


A 10-year-old Vermonster is this year's top dog at the annual Rotten Sneaker Contest. Maybe I should enter next year, cause I could use the $500 savings bond, $100 to buy a new pair of sneakers, and a plethora of Odor-Eater products... plus a trip to everyone's favorite state capital, Montpelier.

I'm Peeing Green 

It's March 17th and whether yer Finnish, Amish, Elvish, or Jewish, it's time to celebrate Irish culture and get yer drink on!!! Be sure to use Irish Spring, eat Lucky Charms, drink Irish coffee, hate the British, listen to U2, Enya, Sinead O’Connor, the Cranberries, and of course, lyrical masterminds, House of Pain. I mean, who else would rhyme "jedi" and "bet I"?

And why not rent Darby O'Gill & The Little People, Celtic Pride, and ALL of the Leprechaun movies, including Leprechaun 6: Back 2 tha Hood.


And please, don't kiss me cause I'm Irish, but just cause I'm horny. Erin Go Braugh and Erin Go Brockovich!!!

Tuesday, March 16

"You're Fired!" - The Tee Shirt 

This is one of the hottest t-shirts on the market right now. Last week, 300 of these babies sold out in 3 hours at NY's Bloomingdale's. It's not sir prizing considering that people actually buy bottled water adorned with The Donald's face on it. These threads may turn out to be a collector's item like those Dolce & Gabbana Snatch, Coming Soon tees a few years back. Btw, aren't Guy Ritchie & Madonna so 2000? Are they hiding in the woods with Lukas Haas? Anywho, if you want a piece of the action and aren't that uber-hip or uber-rich, there's always 2nd-rate "You're Fired" shirts available on eBay.

Still One of the Most Uncomfortable Pictures Ever 


Two Hot Topics:
The Christ & Ben Affleck 

A new survey, conducted by the Institute for Jewish and Community Research, shows that not that many American people blame Jews for The Christ's death. However, they do blame Jews for unleashing Dracula: Dead and Loving It on to the world. And btw, wtf is up with Jews for Jesus ? Do they sit there all day blaming themselves for killing their own Messiah? Oy vey!!


You suck

And the best news that I've heard in weeks is that Ben Affleck no longer wants to do any more action movies. However, I'm still waiting for his official retirement announcement. One more Gigli and we're there!!

WTF is a Tar Heel? 

Thanks to my good pals at Ask Yahoo, I now know!!

The origin of North Carolina's nickname is grounded, at least in part, in one of the state's major products during the Colonial Era -- tar. The tar was made by slowly burning the wood of longleaf pine trees. One legend attributes the name to the laborers who walked out of the woods with the sticky black substance on their shoes. Other stories go back to the Revolutionary War, when North Carolina soldiers continued marching after wading through a river coated with the viscous liquid.

We like the explanation on the state's official web site for its colorful and imaginative dialog. It traces the nickname's source to the Civil War. Retreating soldiers left a column of North Carolinians to battle the enemy alone. Later, the North Carolinians met the fleeing troops and told them for the next battle we'll put tar on your heels to make them stick. Gen. Robert E. Lee, on hearing the story, reportedly exclaimed, "God bless the Tar Heel boys."

Over the years, North Carolina has been known by many nicknames, including the Turpentine State, the Land of the Sky, and the Old North State. But the nickname Tar Heel has stuck -- just like tar on a soldier's shoe.


Anywho, fuck Duke. I hope they lose in the 1st round to Alabama St. Go Terps!!!!

NY in NY - This Friday 

This Friday, the 19th @ 7:55 PM, at the Sunshine Cinema, Neil Young will be on hand to introduce his new film Greendale. This movie looks like it was filmed on my Dad's 80s camcorder, but the song "Be The Rain" does kick some serious glass!!!

Failed Day 2? 

I'm still waiting for their "next move"...

War Is Hell 

When yer living in Afghanistan, money's tight and yer rather horny, please don't do what this soldier did. What an a$$.

Weezer Party In NYC! 

Monday, March 22, 7-10 pm - Weezer Deluxe Edition Release Party - The Onion and Geffen Records team up to celebrate the 10th anniversary re-release of Weezer's Weezer this Monday at Remote Lounge. Hear the repackaged deluxe edition and preview the new DVD, Video Capture Device 1991-2001, before it goes on sale March 23. The Onion will buy your Brooklyn Brewery beer (while it lasts) from 7 to 9 p.m. Must be 21+. You can also win a copy of the new DVD and other prizes while you're there. To attend, email [email protected] with "Weezer RSVP" in the subject. Remote Lounge - 327 Bowery (@ 2nd St.) - (212) 228-0228 - FREE w/ RSVP

Christ - King of Men
& The Box Office 

People are so passionate about The Christ that it could end up being one of the highest grossing films of ALL TIME!! Word from Nazareth, PA is that the movie will be re-released this Christmas AND Easter of 2005!! Damn, we really need to get Star Wars back in to the theaters to regain its (thorn-less) crown.

In other The Christ related news, Jesus himself, Jim Caviezel met with the Pope on Monday. The Pope told Jimmy that he should make more movies like The Count of Monte Cristo.


Rent The Count of Monte Cristo on DVD.
Buy the sandwich at your local diner.

Cut It Out 

I forced myself to watch Meg Ryan bare her soul and boobies in this really dumb thriller called In The Cut. She plays some sort of a teacher, but you wouldn't know cause she's too busy watching some guy get a blow job in a bar's bathroom or being boned by Mark Ruffalo and his shady mustache. Instead of wasting 5 bucks to rent this crap on a stick, why don't you just look at this "real" picture of Meg in the buff.

Monday, March 15

Where Haas You Been Lately? 

Lukas Haas. You were amazing in that wicked-ass movie Solarbabies, where you rollerskate with Jami Gertz and Jason Patric. But where have you gone? We miss you!! Are you in the woods drinking pee like JD Salinger? At least Will Wheaton has a blog so we know that he's alive and well... or just alive for that matter. But news has been leaked that Lukas' going to be in some movie called Vinyl, where he's the drummer is in some slick-ass band that surrounded by hotties like Anna Faris. I smell a comeback.


Keep an eye out for these upcoming Lukas Haas Films:
- Lucas vs. Lukas
- Witness 2: Witnessed
- Looking Like Winona Ryder
- What's Happening: The Movie

Will The Remix'n Ever End? 

Jay-Z's The Black Album + Weezer's The Blue Album = Jay-Zeezer. Big ups to Ultragrrrrrrrrrrrrrl for originally posting this link!

Ever wonder which Weezer album you are? And yes, you read that correctly.

Like Father, Like Dumb 

Looks like John Henry will join his pa Ted as a human popsicle in sunny Arizona. But will the Williams clan be the next to join Simba and Buzz Lightyear on the Walt Disney on Ice show?


World's Dumbest Baby Born 

That's right, rocket scientologists, Charlie Sheen and Denise "Christmas Jones" Richards have given birth to a baby girl. I'm sure she'll grow up to be a nice piece of a$$, but with the brain activity of toothpaste. Yikes!!!!

Artsy Fartsy 

One of the first names in art museums is the MoMA.

I guess the second is the MoBA (Museum of Bad Art).

Bubblicious 

Sometimes we take or freedom for granted, but did you know that until very recently, chewing gum was banned in Singapore?

Anywho, here's a list about gum:

Gum Taste That Lasted About 2 Seconds - Fruit Stripe
Best Flavors - Bubblicious
Best New Gum - Orbit
Gum The Tooth Fairy Always Gave Me - Trident
Best 80's Commercials That Had Cowboys & Gum - Hubba Bubba
Gum Most Sold By Children In Mexico - Chicklets
Best Use of Gum In a Movie - Pee Wee's Big Adventure
Best Gum/Lollipop Combo - Blow Pop's Sour Apple
Nastiest Gum - Chewels
Best Comics In a Gum Wrapper - The Hebrew Version of Bazooka
Chalkiest Gum - Dubble Bubble
Gum That Makes Tobacco Cool For Kids - Big League Chew
Worst Idea For a Gum - Gatorade Gum


I Need To Take A Vowel Movement 

Who would have known that harDCore Fugazi deity Ian MacKaye was such a softy for the letters A-E-I-O-U, and sometimes Y?

Link courtesy of K-Rock Raisinetes

Andy Rooney Is Not Mickey Rooney 

Andy Rooney always knows how to incite riots. This man's life must be preserved for centuries to come. I say we freeze him and his lush eyebrows!


Sunday, March 14

Sopranos Need To Be Silenced 

Three reasons why the new season of The Sopranos sucks:

1) They always dedicate like 5 minutes of the show for Tony or Carmela (Anthony) to watch TV or a movie. It's so f-in boring now that the most entertaining part of each show is when we get to watch them watch Citizen Kane.

2) No Furio

3) What's with all the celebrity casting? Doesn't Robert Loggia, who's 116 years old, finally look his age? I wouldn't be sir prized if later on in the season, they have a scene where Rob and Tony go to FAO Schwartz and play "Chopsticks" on a giant electronic keyboard. And what about Steve Buscemi. Is it me or were Mr. Pink and director John Waters switched at birth? You be the judge!!


Elvis' Heir "Seeing Things" 

According to Lisa Marie Presley, while living at The Neverland Children Happy Place with Michael "Cracko" Jackson, she was "part of a machine" and was "seeing things", "but just stuff." Can you be a bit more vague Lisa?

Meanwhile, the Magi Society looked into their crystal ballz and foresaw that Lisa Marie and Nic Cage should never have been married.

It would it have been so much cooler if Elvis had sired a son instead of a daughter. Think about it. It's not like Elvis' son would have married Courtney Love or some dumb shit like that.

Box Office Bidness - Can't Stop The Christ 

1. The Passion of the Christ - $31.7 million - A sequel is the works where the J man opens an unfinished furniture bidness. He makes tables with three legs.

2. Secret Window - $19 million - I was a bit skeptical about this one cause John Turturro seemed like he was reprising his role from O Brother, Where Art Thou?, but Ebert & Roeper, and my mother, all gave it positive reviews. This one may be worth a look.

3. Starsky & Hutch - $16 million - Would you rather see this or a What's Happening movie?

4. Hidalgo - $11.7 million - More like Iscrapo.

5. Agent Cody Banks: Destination London - $8 million - Frankie Muniz's Career Trouble Alert: The first Cody Banks flick banked 14 mil on its opening weak end. Next week Malcom will go from the middle of this list to the bottom of it. This one may be out on home video by Easter.

6. 50 First Dates - $5.3 million - Is this movie still in theaters?

7. Twisted - $3.1 million - Samuel L, you know it's OK to not take every role you're offered, right?

8. Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen - $2.4 million - LL rocks once again. More people would rather pay to see the Drama Queen than The Return of the King. If Jack, The Whole Ten Yards, and Stroker Ace were re-released next week we could possibly have a royal straight flush in the top 10!

9. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King - $2.05 million - Frodo, still gay?

10. Spartan - $2 million - I think this one might be good cause Mamet's wife, Rebecca Pidgeon, isn't in it... for once.

Lettuce Meat Up Tomorrow Nite!! 

It may be the Jewish year of 5764, but the Mecca of Meats, The 2nd Ave Deli, is turning back the clock and PRICES like it was 1954!!! On Monday, from 11am to 8pm, chopped liver and pastrami are gonna cost bubkus!!

See you underneath this sign:



Info courtesy of The Geffen Family

Terps Rule,
Duke Doesn't... EVER!!!! 

My Maryland Twerpies have just won their first ACC Tourney crown in 20 years!! Things looked a bit grim there for awhile, but my man Johnny Gilchrist rocked the hizzle this whole weekend and finally ended Duke's reign of ACC Tourney terror. F-U Duke Basketball. I hate you more than tunafish. YUCK!!! Who's balls are you gonna suck now Dickie V?


C'mon kid, there's better things to cry over than
Duke sucking, like how bad the movie Hidalgo is.

Pics courtesy of My Man Marvkus

Saturday, March 13

Are You Catholic, a Meat Lover, and a Red Sox Fan? 

Then it's gonna be tuff for ya if yer going to Fenway on opening day, which happens to also be Good Friday. I'm sir prized the Church didn't blame Hebrew National hot dogs for the Sox losing in the ALCS.

The Purrrfect Woman 

Before you run out and catch Nicole Kidman in the remake of The Stepford Wives this summer, I recommend you Netflix the original. This was one of the creepiest movies I have ever seen with the word "wives" in it. I don't want to give away too much of the plot, but basically Mrs. Robinson's daughter and her family move from noisy NYC to the elite town of Stepford. Bit by bit, Elaine Robinson notices that all of the town's wives are all wacked out. They care for nothing but a spotless household and telling their husbands what stallions they are. Where can I get me one of these wives?

the Stepford wife formula

+


Blogged Toilet 

Look, if I can do this blog thing, anyone can. Check out this Navy wife. Be sure to turn on those speakers!

Link courtesy of Kyria.

Friday, March 12

Agent Cody Stanks 


The Vatican Weighs In 

During a sermon on Friday, a Vatican preacher stressed to the congregation that not all Jewish people should be blamed for The Christ's death. Phew, at least some of us are off the hook... for now. I say we blame the following Jews instead: Barry Manilow, The Marx Brothers, Mark Spitz, Dr. Ruth, and Uri Geller. Spoon bending is always the first step on the road to Messiah killing.


Mustaches = Gold Medals!

Mel & Barb - Back In Bidness 

After unleashing the bomb Timeline on to the world, Dick Donner is itching to make some money. He wants to direct a 5th Lethal Weapon, but only if Mel Gibson can take a break from the Crusades. Word on the streets is that the story will involve Mel and Joe Pesci toppling a corrupt gefilte fish factory.

Also, the most annoying Jewish woman is set to play... an annoying Jewish woman in Meet The Fockers.

Cobain Insane In the Membrane? 

Love is a curious thing. First Yoko Ono and now this crap!?! Apparently Kurt Cobain was considering dumping the whole Nirvana thang and joining up with his wife Courtney Love's band, Hole.

Thighs Wide Shut editorial note: If I was married to Courtney Love, I'd shoot myself too...

Just Cause Yer Fat, Doesn't Mean You Can Direct 

Kevin Smith, you are the worst director since Ed Wood. If NASA needs to send a guinea pig to Mars, please let them send you. Maybe on Mars you can make something that actually resembles a movie. You wasted poor Mark Hamil's precious time in yer Bill and Silent Fatso Strike Back poopfest. You made Ben Barfleck what he is today. And for that, you should be whipped in public like Jim Cazaviezezal. Can't wait to see Jersey Girl. I think my farts could have written a better script.

Anywho, we all know you finally get to make a comic book movie you fat loser geek, but PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, don't ever make Fletch Won.


Dude, Where's My Limo Driver? 

Alf Bicknell, chauffeur to the Beatles, is DEAD at 75.

He was the inspiration for the song "Drive My Car" and a sitcom about a lovable alien.

Wanna Pay To See Kill Bill II? 

Didn't think so. How bout fo free?

Thursday, March 11

Dickie Greenleaf + Queen Amedala? 

Move over J-Blows and Ben Shitfleck, word under the sheets is that Jude Law and Natalie Portman are romancing the bone. I hope this union lasts, cause they'd have the hottttiest children to ever walk the earth.

Here are some other super hot couples that I'd love to see:
- Keira Knightley and Me
- Lindsay Lohan and Me
- A threesome of the two chicks from t.A.T.u. and Me

Julia Roberts & A Ho-Hos Junkie Fight the Law... And LOSE! 

God bless the fine people at The Smoking Gun. Without them, I wouldn't have known that Andre the Giant was ever arrested. Anybody want a peanut?

Anywho, did you know that Julia Roberts was a crack dealer?

And that being addicted to yummy Hostess treats can lead to your arrest?

In other Hostess related news, did you know that sending your kids to Rice University can lead to stoopid experimentation?
- Link courtesy of Johann

Spam and Eggs 

Thanks to "Miler" for sending me this email!!

Ulia has came herself to our studio. She is viirgiin, but always dreamed to be shot in a poorrn movie with vast of guys... We have decided to carry out a competition with her first... All our brigade nearly has cuum with only her nakeed boody...

Hey "Miler", next time you shoot me an email, I prefer the spelling "nekkkid."

Touch Me, I'm Almost Famous 

I know one of the contestants dats gonna be on the new edition of Average Shmoe. She is the second person I know to be on a 3rd rate reality show.

The first person was a college "acquaintance" of mine, who was on the very much forgotten show Murder In Small Town X. He's the one wearing that silly Aunt Jemima do rag.

After Dinner 

For once, I'll go straight to my room with no dessert.

St. Joe's Woes 

St. Joe's is no longer undefeated. They got deflated by unranked Xavier.

Is there anyone left that can beat Duke?

Dead Milkmen Bassist Dead 

Dave Blood, bassist for the Dead Milkmen, committed suicide yesterday.

Around the globe, "punk rock girls" are shedding tears...

WWJD If He Saw This Website? 

Did Jesus get zits?

Where can you find What Would Jesus Do thongs?

Right here at Landover Baptist Church

Link courtesy of Flea

Encyclopedias - The Next Betamax? 

When was the last time you used an encyclopedia? 1984? I use one, it's called the Internet.

When be the last time you went to a library? 1806? I go to one, it's called Barnes & Noble.

But mo importantly, what ever happened to the Encyclopedia Britannica Kid?

Richie Rich Bitch 

Diane Alexander Richie is in the process of divorcing Lionel AND bratty adopted daughter Nicole. But watch yer step Diane, cause Nicole Richie gots some fightin' words for you!

Hilton of Wax 

Paris Hilton is already made of wax. Now she'll star in a remake of the Vincent Price cheese-a-thon, House of Wax. The flick also stars uber-hottie Elisha Cuthbert.

50 Cent - Humanitarian At Large 

Juss in case you didn't know, 50 Cent "...ain't into faggots, I don't like gay people around me, because I'm not comfortable with what their thoughts are. I'd rather hang out with a straight dude."

Not sir prizing lee, he added: "But women who like women, that's cool."

What A Way To Start Your Day 

If you don't already, I suggest signing up for this weekly British gossip newsletter called Popbitch. It's simply the breast.

Here's two amazing links they provided this week:

- Charlize Theron likes to take Monster hits of weed out of an apple.

- Ever wanted to see Lil Kim's Ill Na Na?

Mike Seaver Saves The World 

So Kirk Cameron maybe hasn't had the world's greatest career since he left Boner and the Seaver brood, but he's been "reborn" with a series of Christian-themed movies.

Tonite I watched Left Behind based off the hugely popular book series of the same name. But please don't confuse this movie with the porn Svelte Behinds. This is by far the best Kirk Cameron movie I have seen since Like Father, Like Son.

This is how the story goes: Zillions of devout people dis appear off the face of the Earth in like 2 seconds, while the rest of the heathens are left behind. Kirk plays superfly GNN TV reporter Buck Williams who's on the case to solve the mystery. Watch out world!! With the help of his real life super hot wife, Chelsea Noble, he stumbles upon the Anti-Christ and his master plan of world domination by controlling the world's food supply and attempting to re-build the third Temple in Jerusalem. The Anti-Christ in the film happens to be a pseudo Jewish-Russian-Bulgarian-Slavic-Albanian dude and the film sorta blames greedy "bankers" for the coming Rapture. By the end of the film, Kirk is a reborn Christian and swears off all future Growing Pains reunions. WOW!! I can't wait to see all 7 movies.

On the Left Behind DVD, there was a ton of trailers for other amazing movies made by the same production company, Cloud Ten Pictures. Click on the links and you'll find these trailers that are beyond description:

Deceived- Judd Nelson teams up with Academy Award Winner, Lou Gossett Jr to battle E.I. (extraterrestrial intelligence).

Tribulation- Gary Busey is a cop who does stuff with the help of, get this, Howie Mandel, Margot Kidder and some dude who's in a ton of these movies named Nick Mancuso.

Waterproof- Burt Reynolds gets shot by some black kid and THEN goes in lives with the gunman's family!! Orlando Jones co-stars. Nuff said.

Revelation- Ever wonder what happened to The Lawnmower Man, Jeff Fahey? Well, nows be yer chance!!

The Miracle of the Cards- Superstar Kirk Cameron helps save the life of the kid from Love Actually by having people sending him get well cards.

Last, but NOT least is:

Judgment- Corbin Bersen AND Mr. T, in the SAME movie!!!! I may have to buy this one.

LL Being Stalked, but STILL Rocks!! 

Tween Dream Queen Lindsay Lohan is being stalked!!

I swear, it aint me babe.

Link courtesy of Wannamaker

Wednesday, March 10

War of the Words 

Lemme aks you something, are you an idiot like me and our President?

Well you are if you say nucular instead of nuclear.

Lets get down to bidness.

You've Got A Planned Community in PA 

Cause we're living here in Levittown

Diot Coke, With a Twist of Lime 

So Nostradamus may have predicted Milli Vanilli's rise and fall, but did he foresee that an English family back in ole 1379 would name their daughter after the world's most popular Atkins-friendly soft drink, Diot Coke? This the wurst anachronism since Back To The Future II and Back To The Future III.

Down with Diet/Diot Coke and up with Tab Cola!

Red Lobster, Fry In Hell 

Does God hate shrimp? Apparently he does. I would too if I ever ate at the Planet Hollywoodesque Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.

But no one puts baby in a corner!

And NO one blasphemes about POPEYES!!

Wanna Buy An Oscar? 

Orson Welles' daughter is planning on selling daddy's screenplay Oscar for Citizen Kane.

Anyone got 5 bucks I can borrow?

Tattoo YOU! 

Ever wanted to look as cool as Henry Rollins or some crazy ex-Marine? Now you can without actually getting a tattoo with the help of Sleeves Original Tatto'd Clothing.

Bandwagon Boy @ The Movies 

Everyone's favorite fair weather fan not only loves St. Joe's, but going to the movies. Check out his glowing review of The Passion of The Christ. Man is a gene yus.

Red, Write, Black & Blue 

Free Jack White!

Meg White, still a robot.

Have a Nice Life... In PRISON!!! 

Lee Malvo's on his way to the big house for life. Maybe he can start a rap group with David Berkowitz and the ghost of Jeff Dahmer.

Van Sant Goes Grunge 

After making two pretentious movies about people walking, Gus Van Sant's next project will be about the Seattle grunge scene circa 1990. Leo wannabe Michael Pitt will star in the pic and their in talks with Lukas Haas.

Hey Gus, why don't you use that creative brain of yours and just make a shot-by-shot remake of Cameron Crowe's Singles.

I Love Spam 

From my pal "Pirasoc Qewukok":

Curious Hunks

Watch these curious hunks have their first
sexual experience with another man.

Unbelievable male action.


How'd he know?

Tuesday, March 9

BTW... 

Lindsay Lohan, aka L Ditty, ROCKS!!

Mediocre Running Backs On The Move!! 

Duce Staley has left the three-headed RB situation in Philly for greener pastures in Pittsburgh. Word on the streets sez that his signing bonus was a lifetime supply of Iron City Beer.

In other news, Charlie Garner apparently loves Waffle House and will be reunited with former coach Jon Gruden in Tampa.

Blume'n With Disney 

After losing moneymaker Pixar, Disney just optioned a bunch of Judy Blume novels. Thank the maker!!! I've been waiting for a Superfudge and Freckle Juice movie for all my life!! Just don't make the mistake of casting Shia LaBeouf!!

Fry In Hell Bastard 

I aint for the death penalty, but I'm glad to see John Allen Muhammad got what was coming to him. He aint no friendster o mine. Thanks for the memories pal. Thanks for scaring the residents of the DC metropolitan area. Thanks for nothing you piece of shit. Send my best to Hitler and Jack the Ripper for me.

Not A Good Day To Be An Actor Or A House Painter 

Eldin The House Painter from TV's "Murphy Brown" was found dead today at the ripe ole age of 49.

Who's next, Meshach Taylor?

Too Hip For Urban Outshitters 

Under pressure from Harvard professors and Russell Simmons (probably cause he didn't come up with the idea first), Urban Outshitters have pulled "Voting is For Old People" t-shirts from their shelves.

If you're clamoring for it, buy it direct from the real hip hipsters, Vintage Vantage.

As Queer as a Million Dollar Bill 

What better place to use a million dollar bill than at Wal Mart?

FREE MOVING SCREENING!! 

Wanna see the new Colin Farrell movie Intermission for free? Don't worry, Joel Suckmacher isn't directing it.

If you live in Boston, NY, LA, or Chicago, click here

Lick Yer Lolly... pa-loser 

Lollapalooza will be back in 2004. This year they're aiming to "blend success and commerciality with credibility and meaning".

Hmmmm, here's my guess to their credible and meaningful line-up for this summer:

Tom Jones
Justin Timberlake
Bachman Turner Overdrive
Avril Lavigne
RATT
The Spin Doctors

3 Fast 3 Furious A Go? 

King Meathead Vin Diesel may appear in a 3rd Fast/Furious installment. His reps said he's interested... pending the completion of the screenplay.

I can imagine the script now:

Paul Walker's character: Yo, dude, we need to drive fast to stop the bad Asian guys!

Vin Diesel's character: No, we need to drive furiously. And how cool do I look in this tank-top with my shades on?

Not even Dame Judi Dench can save us...

P Diddy's Empire Turns 10 Years Old 

Happy 10th Annie Verse Airy to Sean Combs aka Puffy Daddy aka P Diddy aka Lee I A Coca Puff Diddy Dogg aka the second most annoying person associated with J-Lo and his Bad Boy Entertainment posse. Thanks for single-handedly ruining music. Thanks for having no originality. Thanks for making ugly clothes. Thanks for embarrassing Godzilla AND Jimmy Page. Go away. You are not Qunicy Jones.

Garcia Heads To The Mistake On the Lake 

In a sir prize move, Jeff Garica agreed to a 4-year deal with the Clevetown Browns instead of going to sunny Tampa. I guess Jeff is a bigger fan of Cleveland's Stadium Mustard than Waffle House. It's about time the Browns threw away that old (Tim) Couch.

Bad Trend: People Dying 

Academy Award-nominated actor Paul Winfield died of a heart attack yesterday. Time to netflix Cliffhanger and Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan in his honor.

Rapid Eye Movement 

R.E.M. are putting the finishing touches on their new album. Bring it on baby!!

Monday, March 8

Burger Time 

If yer ever hankering for some beef in NYC, u must eat at the Mecca of all burger joints: The Corner Bistro. Bee leave me, the 1/2 hour wait in line is well worth it!

Dear Homer 

Someone sends a Homer Simpsonesque letter about a Frenchmen and a bowling bowl and dupes poor Dear Abbey!

Spalding Gray - FOUND DEAD 

After disappearing for months, Spalding Gray washed up on the shore DEAD. Sad, sad. My brain isn't so large, so I didn't see much of the stuff he did, but he was amazing with a bit part in The Talking Heads flick, True Stories.

Sopranos, Diff Year, Same Ole Crap 

Is it just me or was the 56 months of waiting for The Sopranos not worth it at all? I forgot how little I care for these characters anymore. It would be interesting if Paulie Walnuts and Christopher fell in love instead of whacking waiters. And who cares if a bear's on the rampage! Oh my! Maybe Vinny Delpino from Doogie Howser can save the day! Or how bout Dr. Melfi's boobs! Were they even her's or was it all an illusion like when Jack Nicholson was in room 237 trying to mack with some 80 year old zombie biaytch.

High Fashion With the White Stripes 

Meg White has a killer smile and amazing dimples. Now she's inspiring a fashion revolution with Louis Vuitton's latest threads. I'm sure in a week there'll be knockoffs on every NYC street corner.

Custard Spreads His Mustard? 

The 80s gave us Devo and Justine Bateman... and an Atari game about General Custer raping Indian women!! Yikes!!

link courtesy of Ross K Doji

Girl Scout Cookies Evil? 

See how the cookie crumbles

Chronicles of HOTtia 

Word on the street sez Nicole Kidman is to play the White Witch in the movie version of the kids klassic The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. Smell ya later Harry Potter!

Box Office Bidneszz 

1. "The Passion of the Christ," $51.4 million.
C'mon, if the Jews conrtolled the media, how'd this one slip by?

2. "Starsky & Hutch," $29.05 million.
Rent Meet the Parents or The Royal Tenenbaums instead

3. "Hidalgo," $19.6 million.
This movie sucks donkey dick

4. "50 First Dates," $7.7 million.
I'll hold out for the Opera Man movie

5. "Twisted," $5 million.
I see Ashley Judd at my good Kentucky games, than movies

6. "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen," $4 million.
Best Lidnsay Lohan movie of 2004

7. "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King," $3.2 million.
The money making machine can't stop Lindsay Lohan!

8. "Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights," $2.85 million.
9. "Miracle," $2.6 million.
10. "Monster," $2.25 million.

Please go away!! 

Not only is Ben awful at acting, but he's awful at facial hair growing!

Free At Last! 

Although he probably can't read this, we can all rejoice now that Dexter Manley is back on the streets!!

Radio, Radio 

Last night I watched the movie Radio. Despite the fact that Radio's mom was played by Reba the Mail Lady from Pee Wee's Playhouse, it wasn't awful.

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