Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Friday, September 19

Yeast Meets Wes

The Mild Mild West
Trailers & Mo

With 2000's Pollock, Ed Harris found a perfect subject and vehicle that not only displayed his usual wonderful acting skills, but also debuted his talent as a director. 8 years later comes his follow-up, Appaloosa, but this time he doesn't hit the mark in the director's chair or in the acting department. Harris plays Virgil Cole, a no nonsense marshal for hire who makes a decent living traveling with his mustached partner Everett Hitch (and History of Violence co-star Viggo Mortensen, who by far delivers the only commendable performance in the picture) from town to town that are in dire need of justice. They set up shop, with their own set of rules, in the city of... Appaloosa. The baddies they're up against are led by Randall Bragg (Jeremy Irons, whose accent is mos outta place here), a man we're told is an awful human being, but other than shooting 3 guys in the opening scene, he seems like a decent fellow... at least someone who's a lil more colorful than the bland Virgil and Everett. V and T eventually arrest Bragg, then he gets rescued by his bandit buddy yes men, so they have to chase after him again, and after they capture him again, he escapes again, and so on and so forth. This game of cat and mouse is about as thrilling as playing Mouse Trap w/o all those doohickeys on the board. There's really no need to mention Renée Zellweger's character Allison French, a newly arrived widow who wakes up the dead emotions stewing inside Virgil, but her actions and feelings flip-flop back and forth more than John Kerry that it literally drove us insane, even more so than that sour lemon face she makes ,and even more so so than the horrid musical score and the Tom Petty song played in the closing credits

We're not really big fans of westerns, and this slow rolling, virtually actionless talk fest only increases our distaste of the genre. While Appaloosa strives to be a different kind of oater film then the ones of old, it ultimately ends up with nothing new to offer. It's not as long winded (and long running timed) as last year's The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, yet it's not nearly as appealing either. At least Jesse James was based on history instead of fiction. And compared to the overly enjoyable 3:10 To Yuma remake Harris' joint feels like 3:10 To Snoozema. This aint no shoot em up, it's a shoot em downer

Western Union: our mos flavorite western of all time isn't even a movie, it be those Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum ads from the 80s, starring the Gum Fighter

Verdictgo: Viggo keeps this baby alive, so Very Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Duchess
Duking It Out
Trailers & Mo

Imagine if Elizabeth Bennett from Pride and Prejudice went against her heart and better judgment and an ended up marrying the dreadful Mr Collins. Now you have a picture of what The Duchess is all about, and it's not hard to fathom considering Keira Knightley starred in both P&P and as the title character in this new film, based on the bumpy life of Georgiana Cavendish (née Spencer, and yes actually realted to Princess Di) Duchess of Devonshire. Knightley's knight in not so shining armor is the Duke of Devonshire (Ralph Fiennes), a cold man more interested in a male heir than having Georgiana as his wife. He treats her like a dog, although he treats his dogs a lot better than he treats her. She has no choice but to go along with it, for the sake of her own place in society and the 2 daughters she already sired with him. Things get complicated when G (the Duke's nickname for her) befriends Lady Elizabeth 'Bess' Foster (rising star Hayley Atwell) and she moves into their palatial manor. Sparks fly between Bess and the Duke, and once again, G has no choice but to play along. She finds a bit of happiness in the arms of an old admirer, and future Prime Minister Charles Grey (the powerful-eyed, yet dull Dominic Cooper, last seen as the groom in Mama Mia!) and even dares to ask the Duke to set her free to him. He obviously can't be having that, for the sake of his reputation, so the game of Three's A Crowd continues. Poor G, but at least she gets to sport awesome hairdos! If yer a fan of stuffy British costume dramas, you'll be right at home with this decent flick that's excels mainly because it all really happened. As for those who aren't, you may want to stay away and juss rent the one stuffy British costume drama that's required viewing: Barry Lyndon

Gains(borough) and Losses: the history of the endless lost and finding of Gainsborough's painting Georgiana Duchess of Devonshire

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

A Thousand Years of Good Prayers
83 Minutes of Good Stuff
Trailers & Mo

If China had a Lifetime channel A Thousand Years of Good Prayers would be playing repeatedly as a movie of the week. While it's more centered on a father (Henry O, not to be confused with O Henry or the Oh Henry cnady bar), it still has a lot to do with his daughter (Feihong Yu), and the disconnection between the two. The widowed father lives in China and decides to visit his daughter in the dreary Pacific Northwest. Now that mom's passed on, the two have little in common, but daddy tries his best to make up for lost time. This sweet and quiet film by Wayne Wang is a return to form to his earlier films in a similar vein, which focus on keeping up with Chinese culture in America. It's nice to see Wang back in this place again instead of delivering Hollywood drivel, like giving Queen Latifah her Last Holiday or making J-Lo be Maid in Manhattan

Keep A Thigh On: that Russian guy Pavel Lychnikoff (sometimes credited as Pasha D. Lychnikoff, Pasha Lychnikoff, Pavel D. Lychnikoff, Pasha Lynchinkov, Pasha D. Lynchnikoff, Pasha Lynchnikoff, Pavel D. Lynchnikoff and Pasha Lynchnikov). he briefly pops up in Prayers as the daughter's lover, with not much to do cept stand and look Russian. you may have already seen him somewhere before, maybe as a Russian Commie bastard solider in Crystal Skull or perhaps as a Russian guy in Cloverfield or perchance as a Russian guy in Charlie Wilson's War or percapita as a Russian guy on Deadwood

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

all three films open in limited release today

until next thyme the balcony is clothed...