Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Wednesday, August 27

The Outlaws Josie Wales
& The Pussycats

A Momentary Lapse of Treason
Trailers & Mo

A Muslim working undercover to thwart terrorism in the name of US security sounds like a purty nifty concept for a movie, and even more so when the story was drummed up by none other than Steve Martin (yes, THAT wild and crazy guy who isn't so wild and crazy anymo), yet when fleshed out and directed by the dude who wrote The Day After Tomorrow, one doesn't and shouldn't expect much from the finished product. Aiming to be a hot topic suspense thriller, Traitor is juss another one of these run of the mill shoot 'em up flicks with a modern message that will likely leave no impression on yer mind, like last year's Rendition or something as trivial as Vantage Point. Movies like these used to be eggceptable, but with the rise of big explosions and plot lines on television shows like 24 they need even bigger bangs and wordier words in order to leave a mark. Don Cheadle plays the double dealing title turncoat, who is torn between saving our country and listening with an open ear to the righteous ideals of the terrorists he's supposedly aiding (Saïd Taghmaoui is his friend and link into the group that's led by the overly hammy Aly Khan). Guy Pearce is the FBI agent, with a southern uncomforting Sawyer drawl, tasked with bringing him down, although he has no knowledge that Cheadle's actually working for the 'good guys'. Both Don and Guy's performances are solid, but they deserve a better movie. His partner, Neal McDonough, is the bad cop of the duo, and delivers his wooden lines as if he were a slightly more polished Paul Walker. The two criss-cross the globe and start to find more questions than answers. Eventually Cheadle will be forced to show his hand, for the safety of Americans and himself. When it does happen, the result is edward james almos laffable. If yer looking for a movie that takes its moral dilemma a lil more seriously, skip this and Netflix the Palestinian suicide bomber flick Paradise Now instead

Curry In A Hurry: while she may not be as sultry as Aishwarya Rai, we still dig on cutie and quality actress Archie Panjabi and would love to receive some jughead from her

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Death Race
Pit Sh#t Stop
Trailers & Mo

Slain and pimple, this movie sizzzzzUcKsZzzZzZZz. So why on earth did an actress of Joan Allen's caliber agree to appear in it as a prison warden with the personality of Droopy the Dog, who also produces a TV show of deadly car races featuring her prisoners? Maybe she desperately wants to win an MTV Movie Award for Sneeringist Bitch of the Year, or perhaps it was her mos deepest desire to star in one of those 'Jason Statham drives a fast car and looks damn cool whilst doing it' movies. Whatever the case may be, she can't breathe any air into this flat tire. Death Race is sorta a remake of the pretty stoopid to begin with Death Race 2000 flick from '75, which starred David Carradine, Sly Stallone and a host of other eye and thigh candy [NSFW]. The original is beloved in certain circles for its Roger Corman brand o' campiness (watch this guy bullfight a Toreno), and this new one shoulda embraced that spirit in the form of an homage, instead of farting fromage. Gone is the cross-country Cannonball Run fun, and in its place are a bunch of garden-variety races ran within Joan's prison walls, complete with 27446 zillion close-ups of Tyrese Gibson doing that scream-cheering 'aaaaaaaah-yeaaah yo!' thing he does in every movie. The whole flick reeks of an 19th rate Running Man, with Statham as the innocent man playing the game by his own rules so he can avoid becoming one of last season's winners losers. The Ham of Stat's got a pit crew of other squirrelly inmates, including a man who calls himself 'Coach' (Ian McShane, further McShaming his post-Deadwood career) cause Stats need a coach(!), some Hispanic kid, and in one of the worstest screen characters of the year, a Rain Manesque kid who knows a lotta stuff but is retarded but they never say he is but he surely acts like it but isnt cause he's with it but he's not so lets juss say he's socially retarded (Frederick Koehler, aka Chip from Kate & Allie and Jeri Blank's son on Strangers With Candy, who we love to see get work, but takes 381283832 steps backwards here), and they add nothing but more stupidity to this beyond slit yer eyes out poop-a-thon from the opposite of PT Anderson, Paul WS Anderson (we only wish we had more eyes in which to slit). The only positive thang to come out of all of this is...

Makes Our Hearts Race: Cuban-American model/actress/hotness/future Mrs Thigh Master Natalie Martinez

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous to the Crème de Menthe degree

Traitor opens at a theater new Jew today, while we pray that Death leaves them as quickly as possible

until next thyme the balcony is clothed...