Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Thursday, June 5

From Totally Geek
To Totally Chic

You Don't Mess With The Zohan
You Don't Have To Bother Seeing The Zohan
Trailers & Mo

We've waited a long time for one of those good ole fashioned Adam Sandler comedies to hit theaters, and the wait will have to continue as his latest, You Don't Mess With The Zohan, is juss another waste of time handed in from team Happy Madison. You'd think with a script co-written by Sandler, Robert Smigel and Judd Apatow that they'd come up with something presentable, but 8 minutes of total laughs outta almost 2 hours of eye-rolling nonsense doesn't really add up to much viewing pleasure (besides looking at Emmanuelle Chriqui, a Jewish gal playing Zohan's Palestinian forbidden love interest). To make splatters worse, a film aiming for Arab-Israeli harmony turns out to be highly insensitive and offensive, and reinforces awful Middle Eastern stereotypes one flat joke at a time (although we're guessing Goys will find sum humor in it). It also doesn't help your 'can't we all just get along' cause (or laugh dept) when you have Rob Schneider playing an Arab taxi driver. Bi the gay, without Sandler, would Scheider be able to pay his bills?

Anywho, Sandler plays Zohan, a hummus loving (he even uses it as toothpaste! hardy har har) Israeli super agent (complete with a Moshe Dayan poster hanging in his pad) whose secret desire is to become a hairdresser like Paul Mitchell in America. He fakes his death (don't ask, and you shouldn't care) and heads to New York under a new name, Scrappy Coco (the name alone is a dead giveaway of how lame this film is). Stuff happens, but nothing really happens, as cameo after cameo gets piled inbetwixt. We get to see Chris Rock, Sulu, Michael Buffer, Mariah Carrey, Dave Matthews and even Mrs Garrett, but they do nothing to help this peace of sh%t (car)

The concept of Sandler as a horny foreign hairdresser is one worth running with, but they should left the political and cultural ideas completely out of the picture. He's actually quite good in the role, yet one can't help comparing it to another stranger who came to our strange land with much better results. That stranger is Borat, and you'd be better off rewatching his film (or the bits from Da Ali G Show) that actually has something to say about our society, instead of insulting it. You may also want to czech out the lil Spanish film Only Human (Seres Queridos) [TWS glowing review], which is a much more poignant, and hispecially funnier look at Jews, Muslims and love

Israeli Ido: Sandler's on-screen Israeli-American buddy Ido Mosseri is the Hebrew voice for Israel's Spongebob Squarepants

Jews Or Lose: Donna Feldman and Yamit Sol (aka ימית סול) not only play two Jewish hotties in the film, but they actual are ones in real life!

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Mother of Tears
(La Terza Madre)

Turn This Mother Out
Trailers & Mo

We've never seen a film by Italian (supposed) horror master Dario Argento, but we have ogled for many hours at his daughter Asia, who recently can be seen on one of the bestest and barely SFW movie posters of the year. The two have paired up for the fourth time on Mother of Tears, which is the final film in his 'Three Mothers' trilogy that began with Suspiria and was followed by Inferno. There's not much to say about this final installment other then that it isn't very good or all that scary (besides the thought of Dario filming his daughter showering). However, through all the shock and schlock on display, it is kinda sorta unintentionally (?) hilarious (gawd bless you Udo Kier). Maybe they shoulda hired Dario to direct Zohan instead of Ronald Miller's father from Can't Buy Me Love

Death Race 2008: according to Cinemorgue, Asia Argento and her half-sister Fiore have died in movies a combined 5 times. That's 1 death behind the total amount set by Dario's long term partner and mother of Asia, Daria Nicolodi (who plays Asia's already deceased mom in Tears)

Verdictgo: Very Little Merit But No Stinking Badges

Zohan will be playing at theater near Jews this Friday, while Tears will open in limited release

until next thyme the balcony is clothed...