Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Friday, May 30

Horseface-Free Movie
Alternatives For The Weakend

we didn't get to see a screening of Sex And The City, and since we weren't really a fan of the series, don't expect a review anytime soon. It looks like a rental anyways, since the only special effects on display was the work done on Kim Cattrall's face. Too bad they didn't hire ILM to make Sarah Jessica Parker look less like a horse or Mitch from Real Genius. If you want a review, czech out Roger Ebert's, who's quite curious about how female dogs masturbate

The Ultimate Car Trouble
Trailers & Mo

Life seems to be going quite well for Brandi (Mena 'Surfin' Suvari, exposing more of her 9-head here sporting cornrows). That is of course until she's driving home late one night, floating on ecstasy, and hits newly homeless schlub Tom (oldy schlub supreme, Stephen Rea) with her car. It's one thing to hit someone with your car, but it's another to have them stuck in your windshield after doing so. Panic sets in, and instead of doing the right thing, by taking an unconscious Tom to the hospital, Brandi decides to park the car in her garage and leave him stuck in her windshield until she can think of something better to do with him. Tom eventually comes to, and pleads with Brandi to help him. She rebuffs his requests and even places the blame on him, by saying over and over, 'Why are you doing this to me?'. Doing this to her? He can't even do anything for himself trapped in cracked glass. She leaves him be in the garage and Tom tries his best to attract outside attention, with little to no results. Brandi, still in a tizzy, enlists the help of her drug peddling boyfriend Rashid (scene stealer Russell Hornsby), who's only real suggestion is to get rid of the body. The back and forth frantic antics between the threesome will keep you on the edge of your seat, and may make you cover your eyes, as it does get a bit gory, but unexpectedly, it's all rather hilarious. We haven't had this much fun at the movies all year. So go head, let Stuck get stuck on you, which shouldn't be confused with the decent Farrelly Bros film

Stranger Than Friction: all of this sounds kinda redonkeylous, but the movie ripped its plot straight from a real-life headline, while tweaking the outcome a bit to make quite a sirprizing little suspense film. The Smoking Gun has got some papers on the actual affair

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

The Foot Fist Way
You're The Semi-Best Around
Trailers & Mo

Ever imagine what it would be like if the Rex Kwon Do bits from Napoleon Dynamite was turned into a full-length feature film? We're sure this thought hasn't crossed many peoples minds, but for those who have or who find the idea worth investigating you'll find much delight in The Foot Fist Way (juss to clarify, this isn't a Rex Kwon Do spin-off movie). While it may be low on plot and budget, it scores mightily high on laughs thanks to its star and co-writer Danny R. McBride (looks like Liev Schreiber with a mustache), who's baby steps away from stardom, turning up elsewhere this summer in Pineapple Express and Tropic Thunder. McBride plays Fred Simmons, the owner and proprietor of a North Carolina strip-mall taekwondo center and self-proclaimed 'King of the Demo' (here he is on Conan demonstrating). Fred's going through a rough patch, after his bimbette wife gave a hand-job to her boss, and he's taking it out on everyone, including his students. Things don't get much better when his hero, a Hollywood action star that looks like a cross between Chuck Norris and Iggy Pop, turns out to be an absolute zero. Foot Fist will probably have a great second life once it hits DVD (boo-ray, downloads, etc), but for those who felt kicked in the groin by Mamet's Redbelt [TWS review], this will be a welcome kick back and enjoy joint

It's Almosy Jhoon Already: if you watch one local ghetto TV commercial today, or any day for that splatter, make it Jhoon Rhee's taekwondo spot

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Strangers
More Goosey Than Bumpy
Trailers & Mo

A pretty young couple (Liv Tyler & Scott Speedman) are spending the evening at a family retreat deep in the woods. Right as they're about to kiss and make-up over some early night rifting, a knock comes on the door. IT'S A STRANGER, looking for someone who doesn't live at that address. The couple close the door and assume that that was that and that nothing else would come of that. TAKE THAT, cause they were damn wrong about that! The stranger and two other stranger friends, all wearing creepy masks (and juss in case you didn't know, masks are always creepy, even the ones in Police Academy 3 - Back in Training were creepy von creepstein), play a snail's pace game of cat and mouse with the couple in and around the house. The early scare build ups are good, but by the film's midpoint, they plateau instead of finishing the job of making us shiz our pants. Think of The Strangers as a Texas Chainsaw Massacre-lite. It attempts to emulate the master of all horror movies, supposedly also being inspired by true events like how Massacre loosely based itself on killer Ed Gein's human flesh loving doings, but it turns out more like Funny Games (which we didn't see) with a lot less talking and action. Nonethebreast, it works decently enuff to watch as a scary movie, as it's more realistic than the slasher porn that keeps filling up theaters in this day and rage

Book Em Dano: the scariest darn books wees read as kids, which weren't by Richard Scarry, were the Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark series. Here's a bunch o scanned images from the books, including our fav, 'The Viper'

Verdictgo: a low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Savage Grace
Mother Dreariest
Trailers & Mo

Waiting 19 years for a new Indiana Jones adventure didn't seem like such a long time compared to waiting 16 for Tom Kalin to follow-up on his brilliant debut Swoon, about the sexually-charged killers Leopold and Loeb. Lucas and Spiels had plenty of other projects that kept them busy in the interim, while Kalin filled his time by directing a bunch of shorts and art installation projects that none of us have seen. Savage Grace FINALLY finds the director back in his chair, barking up the same tree as he did with Swoon, a dramatized real-life (yes, the third film on today's docket) period piece about a famous murder involving cosmopolitan socialites. The style is all there, in crisp color and lucious settings, but the unfolding of the events leading up to Barbara Daly Baekeland(Julianne Moore)'s murder by the son she nurtured in all the wrong ways (including incest!) doesn't really bite as hard as it should of. As is the case with Dr Jones, it was still nice to have Kalin return to the screen even if the results didn't exactly hold up to its promise

Tu Again: Elena Anaya was the only woman we fell for in the Adam Brody poopstain In The Land of Women [TWS review]. And as the saying goes, once bitten forever smitten, especially since she shows up in Grace, thankfully, continuing in her NSFW body of work (pun intended), without clothes!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

Strangers is playing at theater near Jews, while the other three open in limited release today

Rental Round-Up Dawg:

We're currently oversaturated with movies about the war over in Iraq, and not enough about how it effects us back home. While Grace Is Gone may be as basic as any made for TV movie you'd find on basic cable, it's still a touching little story about a husband whose wife is killed in battle and must figure out how to pick up the pieces, and eventually tell their two daughters that mommy aint coming home. The girls are adorable, herspecially the eldest (Shélan O'Keefe, who looks like a female Paul Dano) and it was a pleasure to see John Cusack act in a role that doesn't require him to be an adult Lloyd Dobler. Be sure to check out the bonus feature that shows where the film drew its inspiration from

As for the best doc Oscar winner of '85, The Times of Harvey Milk is REQUIRED viewing before anyone sees the facts and fiction get mixed in van Sant's upcoming biopic, where Sean Penn will play Milk, California's first openly gay elected official, who was assassinated along with San Francisco's mayor George Moscone in 1978

until next thyme the balcony is clothed...