Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Wednesday, August 23

Picture As A Pretty

The Quiet
Coming Thru (My Pants) Loud And Clear

There are only two ways I can objectively review this movie: Han Is Lee and Len Biased. And you my lucky (reuben) drones, will be treated to both

Han Is Lee

Sexual abuse within a family never makes for the mos popcorn pleasing cinema, yet The Quiet, director Jamie Babbit's follow up to her quirky But I'm a Cheerleader, is a pleasure to watch. Me not saying that I get my kicks outta watching a father molest her daughter to the point of her wanting to kill him, but what I is saying is that all the players involved are so darn convincing that I could overlook the student-filmish feel and pacing of the entire picture. Hell, this thing had 'straight-to-video' written all over it, but since it stars the hotliest screen duo of the aughts, Cuthbest/Bellebest, and not Justin Timberlake, it has a chance to strike a chord with a wide audience. And I sure hope it does. While there's much to commend about the mannered performances of Martin Donovan, Edie Falco, and of course, one of the brightest and mos eyebrowlicious stars around, Her Eternal Royal Thighness, the real props deleon have gotta go to HRT the II, Elisha Cuthies Cuthsplurt Cuthbert. Best know for being the clueless daughter of Jack Bauer, who has been chased by everything from bears to Johnny Chase, and for her mad blue-balling of audiences everywhere in The Girl Next Door, Ms Cuthbert really hasn't had a chance to show her true talents, outside of those who've seen Lucky Girl/My Daughter's Secret Life (I'm spanking in yer direction BlogFather). As the abused and damaged gooded daughter in The Quiet, Cuthie goes the extra mile here and truly has earned the right to be called something a lil more important than a fine piece of a$$. If I'm not mistaken, I believe the industry calls such a thing an 'actress'.

Len Biased

Dude, Barbara Fiorentino and Rebecca Mangieri should not only receive honorary Oscars, but the key to every Scottish city that has a loch (get it?), a parade across the entire surface of Mars complete with Shriner escorts, and the right to take a dump in any men's bathroom they please. Why? Well, as casting directors for The Quiet, one can only a$$ zoom that these two were responsible for the mos splooge-tastic screen pairing since a bottle of champagne met with Denise Richards' bosoms [NSFW, duhvs]: Cuthlisha Bellmilla. OH MAI FORKING LORD O MIGHTY MOUSE! Even though the two don't lick each other, share a bath, help each other shower, help each other shave, help each other apply lotion, Cool-Whip, or WD-40 to their respective bodies, the screen sizzles whenever the two occupy the same frame. There was one shot in pardickular where the two are lying on a bed together, fully clothed, and I turned to Tom Wellington, the greatest living actor and Pat O'Brien remixer in the world, and said, 'this is what heaven looks like.' Juss think of it as the ultimate tease. While there's so much dark matter being displayed on the screen, the viewer/splooger is left to create his (no 'her' here, unless 'her' licksalottapuss) own light splatter when they get home from the theater. While some may see that as a disappointment, you gotta give these young girls credit for keeping their clothes on. Cause once they head down the nekkid road, there's no mystery left and therefore no man needs to see a movie with them in it ever again. And to make yer splatters wurst, the only yammy yams one gets to see belong to Edie Falco. I haven't seen such sloppy jalopies like dat since Edith Wharton took her top off at that Who concert! Did I mention that when Cuthbust is not being molested by her father (and if you were her father, wouldn't you...) she's probably wearing a cheerleading outfit? You can't spell 'actress' without 'ass', as in piece of. YOWZAAAAAAAA!!!

Recommended for those who like: Bobby Drake, James Bowie High School, and Deepak Chopra Winfrey

Possible Porno Name: Quite The Tit

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Woodsman [Review | Trailer]

Apt MPupil3: 'Quiet' by The Smashing Pumpkins [d]

IMDb Sweeney: I'm all aboard the Babbit train, hispecially if she keeps lining up the hotties. Her next pic, Itty Bitty Titty Committee, stars the Diet Coke-Starry Eyed Sirprize beaut Nicole Vicius (see bottom of posting)

Han Is Lee John Grisham's Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Len Biased John Grisham's Jizzum (aka Verdict): dude, do u even have to ask? Four Breasts In Show

The Quiet opens in NYC/LA this Friday
& st elsewhere st whenever

until next time the balcony is clothed...

..and hopefully next time Camish Cuthbelle will be nekkid