Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Wednesday, October 5


Like Domino's Thin Crust: Hot, Fast, and Overloaded with Yummy Yummynessness
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If yer a regular reader of this site, then you boviously don't have an issue with sensory overload. And for you all, I not only applaud you, and send you monthly checks, but I urge you to fork over the 10 minus bucks and see yerself some Domino. As for the rest of you intersexuals, who read boringness like this, I recommend you stay at home and beat off to the boo-urns-ing sounds of Aaron Brown's voice. So what does one get for their 10 minus bucks? A very rich man's version of Be Cool. But since BC is worth less than a Sacajawea covered in kitty litter, you can interpret that 'rich man' talk any way you likes it. The (pseudo) true story of Manchurian Candidate Laurence Harvey's bounty hunter daughter Domino (DUH) may be a bit over the top and kinda luda-CRIS at times, but the big ole bag of sweet eye candy that comes along with it will keep you entertained from frame 1, til frame end. And there aint be any better eye candy in theaters these days than Keira Knightley, who always looks purty whether she's playing a loverly lass in any generic Richard Curtisish romantic comedy snooze fest, kickin names and taking ass with a sword (Pirates of the Caribbean), bow n' arrow (King Arthur), or an M-16 (here in D), or juss there to be a fake Natalie Portman (even though she's more like Winona Ryder, version 3.7). Helping KK make her voyage udderly funtastic is a 1st rate supporting cast, consisting of such coolness donte stalwarts as Mickey Rourke, Christopher Walken, and Delroy Lindo, a bunch o actors who usually make me want to slit my wrists, but don't here, like Mena 'Surfin' Suvari, Mo'Nique, and the Queen of YUCKsuck, Lucy Liu, and juss some all around awesomness casting choices of peeps long forgot, like the indelible Dabney Coleman, and 90210ers Ian Ziering and Brian Austin Green, who both chip in some grand Curb Your Enthusiasmesque self-mocking extended cameos. Domino was directed with great flair by Tony 'Brother of Ridley' Scott (who is in the middle of a creative career renaissance), in that short-attention spanned music video style also prefectly used in his udder brills Man On Fire (which in retrospect, should have graced my top the list of last year). The intensity, spirit, and compellingnessness on display in D may not be able to measure up to what Denzel and Dakota Fanbestness out-putted below the border, but there aint nuttin wrong Woman On The Verge of Being On Fire. Possibly the 2nd mos entertaining film of the year, behind The Island. Heads you live, tails you die... but the Thigh Master, he NEVER lies.

Recommended for those who like: the DMV, the Zapruder film, and the ex-president hoodlums of Point Break

Possible Porno Name: Domin-HO-atrix

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix other chick with guns hotness like Leon: The Professional

A History of Violence
Almost As Pointless As The History of Icelandic Television
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Indiana man owns diner, has horny wife who occasionally wears cheerleader outfits, and gots em two kids. One is a young girl, and that's purty much all you can say about her. The other is an awkward male teen who has a subplot involving some school bullies who think he's queer (either that, or the biggest D&D player 'round). That man who owns the diner happens to work there too! One night, two shady guys (well, at least the one with the facial hair was truly shady) come into his diner and make mad trouble. Our nice Hoosier man takes matters into his own hands, whacks both the shade-balls, and becomes an instant town hero. But the new attention brought upon our Hoosier daddy lets loose a bunch of skeletons in his closet. Apparently our Mr Nice Guy has a very checkered past that no one in town really knows about, til Cyclops Jackson Pollack arrives. Some stuff happens and it starts to become more apparent to everyone in this small town that he's not juss some average Joe Friday - Monday, but Aragorn, son of Arathorn, heir of Isidur. Aragon, aka Strider, has some unfinished bidness and has to travel to Philly. Plus he was totally jonesing for cheesesteaks. There he meets up with William Hurt, playing his mos mean-spirited character to date (1nce again, the facial hair is the flag for shady-acre-ness). More stuff happens, then man returns home. Wife not happy he lied to her all this time, and that he has friends with such wacky-arsed names like 'Gimli son of Gloin'. Roll credits. So what's it all about, Alfie? For a violent movie that doesn't pack much punch, I don't really know. I think director David Cronenberg was trying to make some sorta lame-brained point about how desenitized our society is to violence, or juss needed an eggscuse to show a dude totally gettin his nose busted the fork up. Either way, I didn't get the point, want it to be pointed out to me, or hear House of Pain's (s)hit song 'On Point' [listen to a clip here]. Come award season, if A History of Violence racks up a bunch of noms, I will have no problem naming it the year's mos overrated flick, ala the Sidelames of '04.

Recommended for those who like: the Double R Diner, "Tom's Diner" by Suzanne Vega [remixes here], and Dinah Shore(?)

Possible Porno Name: A Hysterectomy of Violence

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix a movie where the violence rules and has meaning, like Straw Dogs