Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Monday, September 12

Charlotte In Charge

Of our days and our nights
Charlotte in Charge
Of our dongs and our tightie whities
And I bling, I want,
I want Charlotte in Charge of me

HformerRT THE IIIrd
has been exiled to
SIBERIA for good!!!

which means...

Charlotte Maria Church

hath become
Her Royal Thighness The IV

How can she dunn gone from princess to having no porpise in juss after two wee months? Well, no Queen of mine comes to a place called Queens, in my native country, and not win the grandest tennis tournament this side of the HOTlantic. Hispecially to some poo-faced Belgian brute named Kim Clijjcjcjajajcsstersjs. That's a bigger slap in the face than dumping microwaved tuna on yer crotch write before I'm about to feast on yer thighs wide open. I still got mad lub for ya my babushka, but I think it was time to say g-bye. Now'll u'll have plenty of time to shave yer game, set, snatch.

But why Charly Church? First off, it's what my mos trusted confidant/super-genius, Mike Brown, told me to do. And honestly, do u need reely need more harry reasonering than the hotness of the past month? Aiiiight... How bout the fact that she's a pill poppin pop star (who probably loves Pop Tarts), smokes (anything, probably plenty of cak), and supposedly once asked a former lover who was eating strawberry ice cream in bed if he could 'spread it on me and lick it off?' [source] Plus, my plus-size rubenesque bubbly baby cakes won't quit showing off her sassafrassy ASSets until she's turned into Martha 'Dumptruck' Dunnstock [source]. I'll have to cut her some slack for favoring Oasis over Blur, but give her a lil bit o credit for never hearing of Bloc Party... considering they're probably the most overrated band behind STYX [source]. And lettuce be honest, there's more news to ooze over about her than there is about that lost chick in Aruba... who may or may not appear on this season of Lost. Did I mention that she loves it when I call her name?

• Only 15 more to go

• What's a more unlikely move in the world of Sting: reuniting with the Police, replacing tantric with a bunch of quickies, or playing bass on t.A.T.u.'s sure to be a hit single 'Friend or Foe'? Maybe the un-hyperlinked werds can help u out on that last one.

Aint It Drool News give some sirprizing props to HRT the II's acting chops in the upcoming The Quiet, which also co-stars future HRT C Belle. [via Dr Falada]

• Discovery Channel's doc about Flight 93, The Flight That Fought Back, was not as hokey and cheesed out as you would think... considering it's narrated by Kiefer Sutherland and uses Unsolved Mysteries type reenactments. Catch it if u can-i-bus.

How Cosby Got his Flizzle Flazzal Back. Somewhere, he and the Peabs are banging 12-year-old Thai hookers

• Note to self: don't even go away on vacay when phat and rare Cliff Engle sweaters are on the line!!!

• Remember DIC's 1st ever cartoon The Littles? Didn't think u would, but I certainly duche... hispecially since I had a thing for lil Lucy Little, that killer new wave theme song, and that one little dude who looked like the gyro pilot dude from Mad Max.

• Ebert, we need to talk, cause I still don't understand how you could consider Errol Morris' semi-amusing doc about pet cemeteries to be one of the ten best films ever made!?! Why not throw yer adoration towards a movie that was so fargin good that they had to make an urban Nick Cannon version 17 YEARS AFTER THE FACT. The movie in which I spank of is called Can't Buy Me Love. And yes, after all these years, it still holds up as one of the mos perfect teen movies of balls thyme. Every damn re-screenage that I partake in always ends in me gettin played misty on as our unthinkable couple of Ronald 'From Geek to Chic' Miller and Cindy Mancini ride off into the 'Zona sunset on a lawnmower. And the rest of the cast is more memorable than that of Platoon. Snot only was TINY wide-eyed Seth Green thrownin down, but so was an uncredited Paula Abdul as a dancer, and Mr Rico Suave himself, Gerardo, gettin all rich and smoothe with the in crowd. And lest we ferget about the other strong support playas like that huge farting dude who was also in Starship Troopers and Major League III, that dude who had his house 'shit on' ('hit on' in the TV version), that chick that has apparently gone onto some NSFW hotness, that cockmuffin who was such a cockmuffin, that totatlly 80s chick with that hair and things, that chick who was all flexible and stuff (i guess), and of course, that dude, who was that dude (sorry, couldn't find link for all the dudes and chicks that I wanted to highlight). While many may wonder what hath become of deep-voiced hottie and lead actress Amanda Peterson, I six feet wonder more about that one girl who had about 2 lines, juss so happens to be a Monkees heir, and got outta control on Tony Danza's watch: Ami Dolenz. She had such endless hotness potential, and a smile that seemed like it would last a 1,000 years, plus she was so mad SMOKIN hot and so mad into smoking, but alas, and agas-si, her career floundered more than Kent 'Flounder' Dorfman's. If yer reading this, please contact me and we'll finger something out so we can get u back to where you belong: sitting on my face.