Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Monday, July 11

15 Going On 30 Love

Shame, shame, shame on you'alls and Lou Rawls. Did you honestly think for a stankonia moment that I'd let a woman who's hair's gross, Christain Bale Machinist rail thin, and a complete skankbot, rule our kingdumb? I'm even ashamed of the fact that I'm a top search result for ''Lindsays Butt Paste'... although being the #1 result for 'cleveland cleavage' is kinda respectable, right? I picked Lohag when your backs were turned. Ha-ha, you fools! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well known is this: Never go in against a Master of Thighs, when Her Royal Thighness crowning is on the line!! Good thing Snopes and the Museuem of Hoaxes didn't read last week's posts, cause they would’ve easily exposed this rue de ruse in about 5 heartbeats!! The past is the past and the butt paste is a thing of the past... although I have been looking to switch up brands as of late. So lets push thighs forward, whilst you d-lode The Streets' ''Lets Push Things Forward'. And before I officially announce who the heir to the hempire is, I juss wanna note that Cuthbest, unlike Lohag, never did us wrong, cept when she wore that tunafish thong, and will always be welcomed back anythyme to the House of Thighs. Plus we both share joint custody of Jean-Claude Van Dame Dakota Fanbelt, and she even agreed to pay for her dental bills! In choosing a woman worthy of the crownship I didn't want to make any rush decisions... although she ended up being a Russian. Sure, I could have gone with a Albacauseofyou or Pinderlicious, but it was sign from heavens when I thighspotted my lady in waiting rubbing her thighs. And the rest is how I say, Game, Set, Snatch...

I present to you
The REAL Her Royal Thighness the IIIrd
Maria Yuryevna Sharapova
aka Мари я Ю рьевна Шара пова

You may now kiss the Thighs


• Visited the new 7-11 on 23rd and Park Ave. Brief reflections: shiz was the cleanest and smallest Sleven I've ever seen, Big-Bites were effin moneybagsmcgee, but had NO CHERRY SLURPEES on-tap??#!@?@#?#? Their license should be revoked!

• Knocked back a few with The BlogFather, and the rest of the Bloggeratti. Brief reflections: so effin best.

• stalked jinxed for life Cub fan, my Halloween costume of '03, and the all-around mystery that is Steve Bartman. Brief reflections: it was about effin time.

Ricky Gervais chats up about the pressure of topping The Office with his next effort Extras, which airs in the UK on July 21st ('How do you beat six Baftas and two Golden Globes? That's mental. That record's safe.'), his New Romantic band Seona Dancing ('We thought we were Tears for Fears.'), his family ('The whole point of my family was taking the mickey out of the one sitting next to you. It was all a wind up.'), and about dreams come true ('My ambition was always to get a joke on The Simpsons, and here I am at the read-through sitting next to Homer.').

Charlotte Church's mum strikes back and un-classy Shirley Bassey. Don't care? Then at least czech out a whole lotta snap-ples of C Church in a bikini.

• Another pointless Indy IV update

Nancy O'Dell met her husband while waiting in line at an airport. I think I need to fly more often.

• Many a celebs have been deliverin' packages as a part of their 10th annie-verse-airy celebration. Peep Don Cheadle dropping off a box, Howie Mandel taking time off his 'busy schedule', and Kournikova opening a box with a customer (I'd love to open and munch on Kournie's box! [NSFW])

Dustin Hoffman has bigger-man-tees than yours drooly! [sorta NSFW]

The Photos They'd Rather Forget

• I've never been able to describe site in words, but Dawn of Man did a pretty good job by sayings, 'If you're not impartial to a bit of Anthony Burgess-style linguistic butchering combined with Jim Careyesque zany mad adult behaviour, head on over to The Thighmaster.'

• Why didn't get bigger than Jesus?

• (not) My Collection of Vintage Cigarette Lighters

Geek Tattoos [via Dr Falada]

Mildly entertaining '80s print ads [MetaFiler]

• And happy belated 50th b-day to my new dawg, Jimmy Smits/Bail Organa, and to my old dawg, who's love taking bites outta crime, McGruff the Crime Dog, who just turned half of Jimmy's age. Growing up, in an age of hella-lame famous dogs, McGruff was buff and more ruff than then the baddies in Tuff Turf. Ya see, me at McG go way back. One day, while I was a hyperactive student at College Gardens Elementary School, we took a field trip riding the newly extended Red Line on DC's Metro for three whole stops!!! When we demetroed at our final destination, White Flint, McGruff was there to greet us, dole out hugs, and distribute free Redskins trading cards to us all. I'll never forget what you did that day McGruff, for as long as I live. So in his great name why not send him a b-day card, or get yoself a fab tee, or sign up for some free trading cards (sadly not Redskins)?