Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Monday, June 6

Don't Bee Leave The Tripe

While I could show you some hot pictures of me sweating my balls off at my boy and girl El Hofbergo & Natanay's fantabulo wedding in Raleigh, NC this past weekend, I'd rather talk about something a lil closer to my heart. Or more like, closer to my heart-attack. I give to you...

Confessions of a Fried Chicken Junkie
Final Battle

What's In A Name?: One was not originally named in honor of a spinach addicted sailorman who spawned a killer Nintendo game (although it is the current mascot), but in fact for Popeye Doyle, of The French Connection fame. The other's is a salute to the ditty 'Mr. Bojangles', as popularized by the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. Juss say em both out loud and figure out which one is cooler than William H Macy. Advantage - The gritty Detective, not the Shitty Gritty Crap Band brand.

Who's On First? : Po's officially came into being in '72 in the Big Easy. Bo's brung up the rear five years later in '77, when Star Wars was released and yers drooly was born, in Charlotte, North Carloina. Sure, The Colonel ignited the fried chicken franchising craze back in '52, but the world had to wait 20 more years before actually getting something that was tres tasty. Advantage - to the one a bit older and way more southern, Po's.

Who Is Your Daddy And What Does He Do?: Po's Gran Moff is Al Copeland, a famed Naw Arleans restaurateur who actually has a website of his own. Bo's brainchildren were Jack Faulk and Richard Thomas. Both have boring names and neither have web sites on the internets. Popeyes' first franchise partner was Russell Jones. That was also Ol' Dirty Bastard's real name. Advantage - The Popeyes Clan & the 36 Clogged Arteries

Font & Color Scheming: Both use tacky colors that blind the eyes, like any Sean Connery movie of this decade, and both have a footloose and fancy free arrangement of letters. But Bo's overdoes it a bit too much for me with their decorative star and apostrophe. I'm all for simplicity and similar point sizes between the letters. Advantage - the one who needs no introduction, and apparently an apostrophe!

Web Sights For Sore Thighs: Take a look fo yo selves at hot-arsed and and decide for yourself. Me, I go for the one that offers coupons for yo area and a lil something for the kiddies as well. Advantage - Popeyes, cause they also aint associated directly with NASCAR.

Locations, Locations, Locations: While both cover a large chunk of the country known as Jesusland, Popeyes dominates the rest of the country, from Idaho to Hawaii, to the rest of the globe (what're they Jewish?), from Bahrain to even Bosnia! Sure, Bo's got some international spots, but is Honduras even considered a country anymo? Advantage - In ANY language, it's gotta be Po's. Where else you goin-to-hurtz-your-stomach-a in Herzegovina?

Catchphrase That Pays: Love That Chicken from Popeyes vs. Gotta Wanna Needa Getta Hava Bojangles. Advantage - Who can remember that 2nd one, when yer too busy loving that chicken from Popeyes?

Food Glorious Food Coma: I'll give Bojangles two gold stars, where gold stars are due. One of dem for serving breakfast and one for having biscuit sandwiches (I recommend the Chicken Filet & Country Ham biscuits). BUTTTTTT, all other gold stars and buckeye decals for good performance are reserved for the one and only Popeyes. Their fried chicken is mos spicier, mos crisper, and mos deffier mos eisley eggsalader than Bo's. NO CONTEST is what I plead. Sides? Can't touch red beans and rice! And the biscuits? I could probably eat a baker's dozen without even blinking. Could you all say the same thing about 13 vaginas? Didn't spank so. Plus, no one makes my stomach more upset that Popeyes, and to me, that's a sign of greatness. Advantage - the answer here is more predictable than the ending of Guess Who?!

Overall: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. This is a toughy, but I guess I gotta go with the one that went 8 for 8 in this Final Battle of Fast Food Fried Chicken War. What do you all think? I value your opinion about as much as I love watching Rosie O'Donnell shave her ass. But please, don't even bother commenting about KFC or Church's. You'll just be embarrassing youself in front of zillions. And although Popeyes is the true and only Lord of the Universe, this does not mean it is the greatest fried chicken on planet Earth. Yer best bets are always greasy one-off dives that don't have a url, like the one Rachael Ray recommended to me in Memphis, Gus's. Some say finger-banging good! And don't be eggspectin' a White Castle vs. Krystal thingie any thyme soon cause the now defunct Little Tavern Hamburgers of MoCo was king of mini-crappy hamburgers.