Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Friday, May 13

Reviews That Are No
Longer 4thcummin

David Cronenberg Who?
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We're nearly half way thru the '05 and it's purty safe to say that no movie thus far can compare to the magnificence and brilliance that is Crash... besides the Citizen Kane of Paris Hilton movies: House of Waxin' Cuth'sbutt. Ebert & Dorknutz [audio] were so taken (not the Steve Spielberg presentin kind) by it that they is already making space for it on their year end best of lists, so you know that martin automatica that this is a muss see in a sea of mushy peas. Going into the flick, my eggspectations were about as low as a Cracker song. I mean, how good could this pasta-illy be with such star wattage as the Sandra Bullock (the poor man's Julia Roberts, and that's purty forking poor considering how busted Erin Boobonovich is as an actress), Ludacris, and Mr Reese Witherspoon. Luckily, they, as well as the rest of the mos eggsalad ensemble cast (Matt Dill, Don Cheads, Mike Pena-pasta, Thandie Newtz, Terrence D Howyadoin, and yes, even TONY 'Mario Karts' DANZA) all shined under the watchful eye and deft penmanship of one Paul Haggis, aka the mother brain behind a lil thang called Million Dollar Baby. Had some other director, say PT Andersucks or Ro-boo Altman, helmed this pic, which purrfectly examines the fragile relationships that eggsists between the races in America, it would have been a 3 hour self-indulgent preachy snooze fest. So don't delay, go directly to Crash, do not see Go, and do not collect $200.

Recommended for those who like: O-Dog, Lincoln Navigators, and racist jokes that are funny, but aren't really funny.

Possible Porno Name: Cr-Ass-shhhh

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix To Kill A Mockingbird.

Layer Cake
If Marie Antoinette Were Alive, She Might Say, 'Let Them Watch Layer Cake'
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While Guy Ritchie has been playing Kabba-blah buddy to Madge, his ex-producing pal Matthew Vaughn has been carrying the torch for the neo-British gangster genre. And doin a fine job of it too I might add. Insert viewing of Layer Cake here. Wow, was that forking hella good, like a hot bowl of Chef Boyardee's Beefaroni when u was 7 years old. LC contains a lot of the Snatch and Lock, Stock ingredients for goodness, like: being highly stylized, charming, dialog-licious, filled to the brim wit fantabulous character names, and doves course, a splendid sdtrk (use of Duran squared's 'Ordinary World' was hispecially Guinness BRILLIANT!). The only thing that separates Vaughn's stizz from Richie's is that the cockney humor is kept to a minimum and therefore the flick comes off more like a serious drama rather than a banana daiquiri fun fest. And if yer melon was scratching at news of leading man Daniel Craig (who plays our hero 'XXXX'... who is so much more X-cellent than Vin Diesel OR Ice Cube) possibly being the next Bond, you'd understand why he's being considered if you saw this icy blue-eyed beauty/smoothie work his mojo in LC. The dude is cool. Mad cool. Don't spank me wrong, I think Clive Owen is the only choice for JB, but methinks a grand idea would be to have them both be 007 agents in training in a single movie, and then afterwards have the public vote for which stud gets to order his martinis and bikinis shaken, not stirred. Anywho, seems like I'm not the only one who agrees that MV is the new hotness as he was recently tapped to direct X-Men 3. And what you gots left in yer arse-e-nal Guy Riches? I'm sure Revolver will be watchable, but with enlisting the help of Jason Statham for the umteempth time, are you really branching out or juss making the same thing over and over, red rover? He may have been better off directing The Transporter 2. Btw, the Real Jonah, aka the former Mr Thought, thinks u should run out and see the movie. He's a tougher critic than I, and he's a thinker. This is the statue that Rodin made of him in his honor. And if you don't truss either one of us, I ask you dear sirs or hookers, would Michael Gambon agree to appear in crap on a stick? I mean, the dude is not only the new Dumbbledore, but ran the country in Ali G Indahouse.

Recommended for those who like: the dad from The Commitments, Greenwich Mean Time, and Sienna Miller's side boob.

Possible Porno Name: Lay Her Cakes With The Icing From My Hostess' Ding Dongs

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Croupier. [link NSFW]

Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy
Pack Yer Bags, Tis Gonna Be a Funky Ride
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Warning: if you did not read the book, you're probably not going to 'dig' this flick. I read the book not long ago and didn't really enjoy it get it see what the big deal was. To be honest, I was kinda let down by the book cause the mystery of what the HGTTG actually was had stewed in my mind since my pre-pubescent (but not pre-pubic) years. Too bad '42' was the answer I was looking for to this enigma. Anywho, I was scared to even approach anything HGTTG cause I thought it was related to the C. Thomas Howell/Rutger Hauer fright fest known as The Hitcher. And back then I was scared of anything, everything, and even Thing from The Addams Family! PLUS The KKK, Lightning, and Hebrew School! But I really dug the flick (not The Hitcher). I thought it effectively captured the humor and the spirit of the book, and in turn I started to appreciate the book's nuisances and randomness a lil bit more. So I don't know if anything, everything, or John Carpenter's The Thing [beware of audio] what one can learn by reading any of greta garble written above. Should you see it? Should you not? Should you read the book 1st or at all? Should you revisit your C. Thomas Howell DVD box set including Soul Man, Hidalgo, and Red Dawn? I dunno, I can't forking do everything for you stinkin peoples!! Btw, I heart Martin Freeman. I want him to work in my office.

Recommended for those who like: Droids, Pink Floyd, and British humor as dry as an Altoid.

Possible Porno Name: Bitch-Diker's Guide To The Female Anatomy

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Fifth Element.

The Interpreter
Three 'E's, Three 'R's, & A Buttload of Zzzzzzzzzz
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If Sean Penn, Nicole Kidman, and the UN did not star in this movie, you wouldn't even have a movie. You'd probably still have some things, like stuff and maybe some other stuffy things of thingy stuff, sprinkled here and there. This movie is such a pointless, mindless, senseless, purposeless, snoozefestlesses (which actually put my cinema mate to sleep that day!) that I'm juss goin to write a bunch of mind numbing dribble that would make Rob Dibble hit a triple-double whilst playing Double Dribble... This movie is lost in translation cause it's in a dead language that no one in the world speaks anymore, cause that language is the native tongue from the land of boringggggggggggggg. I hear that's where Lois Lame & Orslando Bloo used to vacay. Sprechen sie crap taking a dump on my crap? That's a lil too harsh, but not as harsh as sitting thru this blah that sirpizingly came from the same Mr that brought you Out of Africa & Three Days of the Condor. Dis spiz came out more like Out of YOUR LEAGUE (of nations) and Seems Like Three Days Watching Condorman. Sydney, you were this close to earning the dreaded 'Slit Your Eyes Out' rating, but alas I have faith in you and I happen to be in a good mood today and therefore, we'll call it 'Not Awful'. I've said enuff. I haven't said enough... cause I said 'I've said enuff', not 'I've said enough'.

Recommended for those who like: a SHEETload of walkie talkies, who hate Air's Talkie Walkie [download 'Cherry Blossom Girl' and THEN tell me u hate them!], and a black guy with freakin lookin eyes.

Possible Porno Name: The PeterInToHer-perter

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the movie the UN didn't allow to film inside its hallowed halls, Hitchbest's North By Northwest.

The Amityville Horror
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Maybe this remake would've worked had the name 'National Lampoon's' preceded the title. Why? Cause how is one to bee leave for 4 fargin seconds that Ryan Reynolds is a phantom menacing and imposing father figure in a horror movie? And oh boy how the 'movie' goes to great lengths to show you juss how menacing and imposing he really is, in the form of: his eyes gettin real watery and bloodshot, his love of using his axe and yelling at his step-children simultaneously, and gettin' really into staring at walls and looking at clocks that say 3:15 and not 4:20. All of this 'insanity' only happens when he's inside the house. But when he's out and about, he's juss a great normal guy who loves sesame chicken and turtlenecks. You know, an avg joe like Van Wilder or someone Alanis Morrissette could possibly marry. And the sad part is, even if one shred of this movie was based on actual fact, which they do claim, I'd never bee leave it for a second. The events that occur are so redonkyelous and unrelievable that you feel yer on one of those stupid haunted mansion rides at the beach where you know a skeleton is going to pop out of a treasure chest at any moment. Basically the whole thing is about as scary as a Richard Scarry book in Ukrainian. Break out the razor and say (Joe-E-)ta-ta to yer eyeballs!

Recommended for those who like: cheese puffs covered in poo-poo, asparagus covered in pee-pee that smells like asparagus, and pointless Michael Bay-produced remakes.

Possible Porno Name: The Smelly clAm'N'Tees-ville Whore House

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the original, complete with James Brolin's crazy beard.

Spaz always, until we meat again, the balcony is clothed...