Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Wednesday, June 23

The Lebowski Fest Report
Ya Know, Lotta Ins,
Lotta Outs,
Lotta What-Have-Yous

So now its time to shed some light on the weekend that was the 3rd Annual Lebowski Fest. As previously mentioned, many a white russians, bowling pins, and fried chicken were downed in the span of 44 glorious hours. Lettuce get this party started

we had a BALL

Friday, June 18th

Me arrived in the smallest airport for a "major" city me have ever seen: Louisville International Airport (SDF). I bet the only international flights they make are to exotic Canada. Anywho, I grabbed a cab and headed to the waterfront for the first Lebowski event: a performance by My Morning Jacket and later, an outdoor screening of the film itself. The cabbie had no clue how to get there and was forced to use my Yahoo! Maps directions to steer us there. The rest of the Rocktown, MD Crew (Joe E Tartar, The Hof of the Nads, & RayKwan the Chef vs. Meth) were already there, getting more liquored up than Mickey Rourke in Barfly. On the way over, I spotted a beer store and plopped down $1.75 for my first can of Icehouse in about 8+ years.

My Morning Jacket put on a pretty decent show, but me was all revved up for the screening. About 4 beers and 3 white russians later, my head was spinning in circles. The movie was on, but I was too dazed to pay attention. Sure, people were shouting the infamous lines, but no one was performing in front of the screen ala Rocky Horror Picture Show. My man Ray(kwan) was so drunk, hot and botheredsome, that he left the screening an hour early to pass out in the car. Good move, as my swamp a$$ got worserer than it did at the Franz Ferdie show at Webster Hall just the night before. The night ended, and we retired to our quarters, which was this gorgeous country home on a grassy hill owned by Joe E Tartar's pals Pai R Squared and his wife Aim-e (insert picture not taken of amazing house).

Saturday, June 19th

After some restless hours of sleep and puking so hard that I bursted a few capillaries near my eyes, we gots up and gots ready to go. We arrived at Day 2's venue: Executive Strike and Spare bowling alley, parking lot, and mini-carnival grounds. Nothing much was doing, so me and my stomach convinced the gang to eat at one of my personal all-time flavorites, the rich man's Johnny Rockets, Steak 'n Shake. If you ever go, I recommend the Frisco Melt, double order of fries, and a plain vanilla shake.

After that food coma, we headed back to the place where we'd be for the next 11 hours. This "carnival" wasn't as lame as HBO's, but it mos def wasn't all that and an episode of All That. Sure there were some fun games of chance:

The Ringer Toss
the whites
And even the Hof and The E Tartar made
the Lebowski photo gallery

Malibu Sheriff's Mug Toss
I don't like yer jerkoff attidude Lebowski!!

The Marmot Fling and what-have-you, but the prizes were weak, and we went through all of those games in about 10 minutes. Besides the "games", they also had live local musicians jamming all day long. The only one that grabbed our attention was Pocket Foxx and their lead singer, and her thighs.

the Thigh Master abides

Our bowling jonesing got the best of us and we broke down for two afternoon games. This was just a taste of the terror that my wrist would face later this noche.

I heart KY jelly

As we chilled at the "carnival", the costumed Lebowski achievers arrived one by one. All the characters you'd expect were there:

The Dude and Walter
(one with Donnie's ashes in a can not pictured)
the chinamen is not the issue!

and of course Jesus (seen here with Liam)

What's a pederass, Walter?

But some peeps got all super creative on us and took the most obscure parts of the film and turned them into costumes. Check out this dude as the Dude's beloved Creedence tape or the three thousand years of beautiful tradition from Moses to Sandy Koufax, to Walter's worthy adversary, the man in the black pajamas. F-in classic with a K. Don't forget about the Cowboy and the Dude's landlord and his "cycle"...

i look very stoned for not even taking one puff

The time was near for the weekend's marquee event: bowling. People started to line-up for it an hour and 1/2 early as there were only 52 lanes to accommodate the 1k+ people there. Me and the gang were determined to get a lane, and being 10th or so in line didn't hurt our chances. They opened the doors and everyone rushed in. We got to our lane and didn't vacate it until 7 games and 4 1/2 hours later. Shit was crazy. Pretty much just bowling, smoking 2314877234654 cigarettes, drinking $2.50 Miller lite longnecks, and meeting new friends like locals Patrick and Bo, who joined our lane for much of the evening. Raykwan the Chef beat the crap out of us all, posting several 180s. My best was a pathetic 145.

Who the fuck are the Knutsens?

While the balls were rolling, there were trivia and costume contents and opportunities to meet the man behind the Dude, the real Dude, Jeff "the Dude" Dowd. If you don't bee leave me that he's the real dude, just watch the extra feature on the DVD with the Coen bros. The night ended and our wrists were literally about to become detached from our arms.

two real dudes and a lot of sweat

Sunday, June 20th - Father's Day

finger and toe licking good!
No Lebowski Fest related events occurred this day, so we dedicated it to seeing the real KY. First stop was a hangover brunch at The Colonel's wife's smograsboard of food, Claudia Sander's Dinner House in Shelbyville, KY (oddly enuff, near a town called Simpsonville). Sure the fried chicken was killer, but the real stars were the luscious sides. I'm drooling on meself right now thinking about the corn pudding, breaded tomatoes, creamed spinach, buttery biscuits, and 12748624543543 lbs of white gravy I inhaled. My body may not love me for it, but f-it, we only have one life to live and I'm going to eat as I please until a doctor orders me to stop eating fried chicken. Anyhowzit, I hadn't had such umcredible country home cooking' since the last time I visited Miss Mamie's Spoonbread Too.

72 to 1 odds sounds good to me!
After that, we czeched out Churchill Downs, home of the Kentucky Derby and mint juleps. Cause ya see, I'm an addict of anything and everything: eating, bowling, movies, and of course gambling. (Earlier in the weekend I was marveled by the 25 cent lotto cards they sold that were, get this, not scratch off, but PULL TAB!! What the fudge is that all about???) I lost about $25 worth of bones, but that's what happens when you don't know what yer doing and bet on all the horses in the same the race or just on the longshots. The Hof of the Nads hit an Exacta in one of the races and won a whopping 12 or so dollars. Basically that was that, I bid adieu to my hometown cronies, boarded my tiny plane, and finished off my Patty Hearst book (more on that laterz).

It was mad kick-ass and I recommend you all should attend any future Lebowski Fests. The next one is in NY in mid-August. Just want to give some final big ups to A & P for letting us crash at their dope pad and most of all to my Crew for dealing with my appetite for food that induces diarrhea and for being some of the greatest blokes in all the world (my mum agrees).

Love & Bowling